On Turning 39

This past weekend was my 39th birthday. We celebrated with a quick happy hour just the two of us (B and I) and then with a dinner with a few friends. It’s funny — I used to get so anxious about turning another year older, but now it’s more of a ‘looking back’ at each year lived, not quite understanding how linear time inexplicably speeds up by the day. I don’t know how I reached the end of my 30s quite so fast. I swear I was in a red dress just turning 29, anticipatory of what my 30s would bring. I had no idea what I was in for: a few houses to move in and out of, a few shops to open and close and open again, a precious child to love which lead to a new way that I count my days, my months and my years. Old fears conquered, new fears unlocked. I, at once, feel older and wiser and as if I know nothing at all. I will say I am sad at the naïveté I lost along the way in my 30s but comforted by the tools I’ve picked up to learn how to deal with anxiety, conflict, fears. (That beautiful naïveté of my 20s — what a gift I didn’t know I had.)

I’m also amazed at how unaffected I am at being year older, a year closer to 40 — the age we’ve all been told is ‘old.’ I remember my parents throwing ‘over the hill’ parties for their 40s, and here I am waiting at the bottom of that hill, looking up. All that to say, I’m wonderfully underwhelmed with turning one year older. It’s not scary, it’s not sad; it’s a wonderful reminder that I have 365 days to try something new, do something old, re-invent or stay the same but no matter what I do, it will stay alive in my memories when I look back in 10 years and think ‘I wish I could do that all again.’ What’s the opposite of regret — appreciation? I’m not quite sure, but I can’t wait to appreciate these years.

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I have a feeling we are all about the same age, all dealing with turning a year older and what that looks like in our world we built as twenty-somethings. Since I started this blog in my 20s, I figured you were in your 20s too and yet we are all still here in our 30s and hopefully our 40s, that is if you’ll have me. I’m really glad that on my 39th year I get to start it again here and with you. Thank you for always joining along on any of my journeys, the good, the bad, the awkward, the cringe, or perhaps even the inspiring. It’s nice to have a friend.