This is a post I’ve tried to write many times over the last two years. Well, more so in the last year I suppose. It’s a block in my mind, a mountain I can’t get over and so I don’t write it — or rather I write it, delete it and never post it. I talk myself out of it, out of fear of the unknown. But I’ve come to the point where I don’t know if I can move forward with my blog if I don’t climb this proverbial mountain.
Over the last two years, I’ve become quite a different person than you first met. I did something incredible — I opened up a boutique. I started an online shop. I continued to blog 3-4x a week, sometimes 5. (I should note that I did all of this with the help of my husband, the best man I’ve ever met.) I have been a machine of production. I’ve always been someone who has enjoyed work and feared ever being seen as lazy thanks to a sharp-tongued piano teacher in my early years who warned me that smartest kids are the laziest and I was brilliant. (Turns out, by the way, I can’t read sheet music. Years later I would teach myself guitar by ear. Lazy that, music lady.) I slowly allowed my work to take over my identity. If I received positive feedback, I used it as fuel to keep going. If I received negative feedback, I used it as fuel to become better. And slowly but surely with every hour spent, I became less and less of myself and more and more of a machine. My life was statistics, sales, numbers, goals, budgets, deadlines, and taxes due. Which is a garden for feelings of worry, anxiety and stress to grow. And grow they did. I tended to my garden well, constantly finding something else wrong to fix, constantly on the lookout for negative feedback so that I could conquer it, finding something else that wasn’t in my control so that I could take it over. And as any good gardener, I watered the plants daily with fear; I was never at rest in my garden of anxiety.
About 6 months into opening bloom, I started to sleep less and less. I was getting around 4 hours a night. Not because I would go to sleep late, but because I would wake up in cold sweats filled with anxiety, staying up with my thoughts. I would wake my husband up and ask about the simplest of fears: “did we lock the door?” “are you sure?” “did I pay that bill?” “did you email her back?” Soon enough the small things in life, like locking a door, became shadows in my world. And when something as small as locking a door becomes a fear, the rest of life can become debilitating. Because as well as we know day turns to night, shadows turn light into dark.
I had my first panic attack in 2008 when we moved to Kerrville. We had two weeks to move and we couldn’t find anywhere to live in the small, retirement community. I had just put in my two weeks at my job back in Dallas and although happy to move forward, the future was not looking as hopeful as I’d thought. We had another unsuccessful trip to find somewhere to live and on the long 6 hour trip back home, I started to cry. Those tears turned into gasps for air as I felt as though I couldn’t breathe and I felt as if I was having a heart attack. If you’ve had a panic attack before, then you know this feeling. It’s almost comical now to think that at 23 years old I thought this was the end for me — the house search had done me in. We pulled over at a gas station and I raced for a curb — I didn’t care who saw me, I was certain I was either going mad or dying. Turns out, it was a panic attack. A feeling I would come to know well in just a few years.
Side note: this post is hard to write.
Writing a blog is a weird thing. At first, it’s a project — it’s something fun you do, you look forward to creating new content, creating new outfits, meeting new people. And you slowly share bits of your life with people over the course of the years; some people like your life, some people don’t. But I stopped sharing my life a few years ago. At first I didn’t share opening the store because I never wanted to come off as bragging or prideful and I didn’t know if I could handle criticism. (Although now I wish I would have, as I know a lot of you do, too. It’s funny the things I’m most proud of, I rarely share for fear of God knows what.) And then like a song I know all too well, depression started creeping into my light-filled life. And everything in my world was kept on lock from you. It was a slow entrance; polite almost. It knocked on a few of my doors and I ignored it. I kept smiling, kept working, kept moving. I just stopped sharing the other side. As I’m sure a lot of you are thinking — how can someone look so normal and happy in a photo but be depressed? I’m actually scared and impressed of how much I can ignore my own small voice for the sake of saving face. I’d venture to say that employees, friends and family members didn’t know for many months. That is until it slowly welcomed itself into every door of my life.
Depression has looked different in many stages of my life. It first hit me when I was 16 years old. Then again at 20, and now at 28. When I was 16, there were a lot of emo poems written. (I am not kidding you and if I’m correct, I’m pretty sure they are in a closet at my parent’s.) Now I can look back and laugh at the long, saga poems I wrote but at the time, it was a sad existence. I remember sitting in a dark room, not wanting to talk to anyone, see anyone or do anything. For a 16 year old with a new car, that’s not a good feeling.
At 20, I remember ended up in the same dark room, but this time I turned to music and not writings of teen poetry. Thankfully Bright Eyes and other emo musicians were popular at the time so no one suspected anything of me. I’d call my mother crying, she threatened to drive the three hours from home and take me out of school. That’s not what I wanted to hear so I didn’t call for a while.
A few weeks ago, I hit a wall. I couldn’t think straight, I couldn’t concentrate, I didn’t want to do anything. I could no longer hear the voice in my head that sounded familiar, that reminded me of the good things, that helped me create. I figured I was just tired, that I had been working too much again. Usually I would get so stressed that I would end up sick and have to spend a few days in bed and then start over again refreshed, but I wasn’t getting sick so I thought I was okay. (Correction: I thought I’d finally conquered that weak-ass immune system once and for all.) So we took some time off and tried to relax. The next day at work in the shop, I was sorting camisoles to be tagged. A simple task. I kept getting them confused and mixed up. I couldn’t figure it out and ended up having a panic attack. Thankfully I was alone in the shop and no one saw the breakdown. My mom came, picked me up from work and took me home, just like she offered to in college. But this time I let her. I spent the next three days in bed.
Aside from my genetic makeup that gives way to depression, our life has become quite chaotic. We work about 6 and a half days a week. And as it turns out I am a control freak. (Neat!) We have become accustomed to being stressed out. We’ve become accustomed to letting our stress wreck havoc on bad habits that include french fries and wine. We have also realized in all of this, that’s not what life is about. If life is only about sales, then I’m out.
You are probably wondering where all this is coming from, why I’m sharing it now. I’ve known for a while, hence the many times I’ve tried to write this post, that to move forward sometimes you have to have a clean slate. This is me cleaning my slate from the last two years. I regret not sharing more about bloom, but I never wanted it to be tainted by the hardships, my depression and anxiety. That’s why I couldn’t talk about it. And aside from the depression, entrepreneurship is a difficult road to venture down. And entrepreneurship with your husband or a partner is even more so. It’s quite cruel to learn the lessons of life and entrepreneurship all in the same few years.To be honest, it’s hard to put into words; clean, sparkling words that live on blogs. Especially, especially on a style blog. I’ve wanted to share so many times but fear stops me. “Shut up and wear clothes” it says. I’ve wanted to make changes but fear stopped me. But as I’ve taken a step back from things these last few weeks I’ve come to realize something. Maybe it’s not about the clothes that bring you here (meh, or maybe it is) but maybe it’s about life. Everyone has a story and maybe you just want to hear mine.
If that is the case, then thank you for showing up and asking for more. I apologize for having not being able to share this side of my life. I also apologize for thinking that you only want to see the sunshine and not the rain. That is why I take a sillier tone in my posts most days, because it’s comfortable and happy and different than my current train of thought. But it feels dishonest to who I am now and it speaks to perhaps who I was. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m still funny.
That was a joke. Kind of.
All that to say, I need to heal. But as much as my life and identity is wrapped up in my blog, I needed that to heal as well. I need you to be on the same page as me, even if we both hate it. There is something else I’ve realized in my struggle: life is good. I’ve confused ambition with dissatisfaction. Ambition isn’t something that sets out to destroy, it’s something that sets out to create. I’ve confused these things as I’m constantly on the lookout to destroy the bad and preserve the good. But really, I just need to create the good may it be with bloom and the pretty clothes that hang in our windows, may it be with the blog and this post right here, may it be in life and being grateful for the here and the now, even if it involves tears or sad days. I’ve always been told that happiness is a choice. I’ve always hated that statement because it puts the control onto me and not my circumstances. But perhaps it is a choice — a choice to be present and to be thankful.
Thank you for being present and for listening.
***
(I should note I’ve since gone to the doctor for my depression. I am feeling a little bit better every day and finding more light in the shadows. )
1,440 Responses
Beautiful words, Kendi. Thank you for sharing. I pray that you will continue to find the light amongst the shadows! xoxo
Kendi, you’re a serious rockstar for writing that. Thank you for sharing and know that regardless of what you put out, those of us that have been reading you for YEARS will always be coming back. xo
Thank you Kendi. You have no idea how much it means to me to read this post. Your honesty is why I have read you from the beginning to the end. Your realization that you control things and always will is something I am dealing with right now. Please Kendi, You are amazing and your honesty is so appreciated!
http://www.theadoredlife.com
Yeah that’s one thing I wish I didn’t have control over. I wish happiness just happened to me. 🙂 I’m glad we’re in the same boat, it’s nice to know someone else is dealing with a crazy life, too. Thanks for your kind words.
Wow. Just wow. I was teary eyed through the whole thing. Believe it or not, sometimes it makes me feel worse to read shiny, happy blogs where cute girls appear to have life by the balls and there is nary a worry in sight. You just became so much more real to me, and I applaud you a hundred times over for writing this. I already loved your style, your writing voice, and your adorable store. Now I have a new respect for the woman you are. BRAVO.
Thank you for sharing. I know it’s not easy to write, but please know that more people go through this than you can realize. Depression feels very lonely, but its not.
i’m so glad you shared this side of your life and business. i’m sure it was very hard, but i think it must also feel great for you to get it off your chest. i’m glad you’ve been to the doctor since and that things are getting better all the time. i think it’s super brave to be so open and vulnerable here. just wanted to say i’ve always been so so impressed by your blog/store/work ethic.
I’ve never commented on your blog before, but I’ve been reading it for about two years. I’m so glad you wrote about this. I think it’s easy to assume that a bloggers life is perfect, because from all the pretty pictures you post it seems that way. I certainly don’t wish these struggles upon you, but I’m glad that you are being honest about your life. It makes you seem more human, and that can’t be a bad thing, right?
Ive suffered from anxiety attacks for years, they sure aren’t fun! I’m grateful for them, though, because they’ve forced me to reevaluate my life and make some changes so that I wouldn’t feel so stressed all the time.
I hope that things improve for you, I know they will. I think speaking your truth is an important step towards progress, and you’ve certainly done that here. Best of luck to you!!
Angela —
I totally agree on the anxiety attack benefit of forcing you to re-adjust. B and I have had to sit down and say “ok yes we can do that, okay no we can’t do that any longer.” It sucks getting here but I think that it will make for a better life in the end. That’s such a good way to look at it, thanks for saying that.
Kendi
Hi Kendi,
I too have struggled with depression and anxiety in my life. My first bouts with depression were in high school, they flared up again right after graduating college, and the last, and worst, episodes was when I ended an engagement two years ago. After years of suffering in silence, I went and talked to a counselor. I didn’t realize that there could be like without depression, or that the endless pit in my stomach was anxiety. After months of counseling, I am in such a better place. I don’t remember feeling this happy or hopeful since I was in grade school. That is so brave of you to share your history, even if it is just to anonymous readers.
I love your blog, and I’m astonished that there are people in the world that can put together and wear beautifully classic clothes like you every day. You are an inspiration, in your clothing choices and in real life. Keep up the hard work of mending, I am rooting for you!
Thank you for sharing your comment! I’ve wondered about counseling a few times, but I’ve just never been brave enough to make the call. When I was talking to the doctor, she said something to the tune of you know this isn’t normal right? And it struck me as funny because I just learned to accept that I was always on edge. It is nice to see the silver lining again, isn’t it?
Thanks for sharing your thoughts, it’s nice to know I’m not alone. 🙂
Counseling is so worth it. I felt super uncomfortable with the idea initially (burst out crying on the phone to my mom, “I think I need to see someone!”), but now I recommend it to everyone. And you’ll find out quickly that more people see a therapist than you realize.
You have now climbed the mountain…you are very brave. Often, when I climb a mountain (literally – I live in Colorado *wink) and I look down on the beautiful view below, I just feel…better, somehow. take care of yourself and continue to be brave.
This is, hands down, the best thing I’ve ever seen on your blog. Thank you so much for sharing this, for being real. Cheering for YOU and your way back to an authentic sunshiney place.
Thank you for being so brave and sharing this!! You are an inspiration to live a life of honesty. Thank you for this!
Kendi – your blog was the first I started following and since have many favorites, but yours is always what I enjoy reading first each day. While I don’t know you personally, there’s never any need to apologize for true feelings – when you’re ready to share that’s all that matters. I hope you find peace moving forward and can enjoy those moments in life that make you truly happy. All the best!
I’ve never been here for the clothes. I’m here for Kendi. I think I probably speak for a lot of people when I say, we would love to know more about her. Don’t ever feel like you are unable to share in this space. (Hope this isn’t creepy. I promise I am a well-adjusted adult who just really likes your blog.)
Not creepy, actually it’s comforting. Thanks for saying that. Sharing is hard for me, as weird as that is because here I am a girl with a blog and she doesn’t want to share here life. The irony. So thank you for the encouragement, it means a lot.
I can relate big time. I have a blog but there is so much I don’t share. Partly because I’m a therapist and don’t want to much information out about me and partly because…it’s messy and I too find it easier to joke and be silly in my posts. But I will say that I can relate. A lot.
There are a million style blogs. I come back to this one because of your intelligence and humor and that undefine-able thing that makes your voice uniquely yours. Your clothes are really nice, too, don’t get me wrong!!! But its the inner YOU shining through that sets this space apart.
I’m so glad you are taking care of yourself and thank you so much for sharing such a deep and delicate thing. You wrote it out beautifully and eloquently and with that certain wink and sparkle that is so Kendi.
Be good to yourself, girl. We’ll be here for you.
Thank you for sharing, kendi. I do really enjoy your clothes, but like you said, this blog makes me want to know you as a friend. I live in the Dallas area and i joke (kind of) with my hubby that i should totally go meet you and become bffs with you…! Keep chugging along and you’ll be fine… Thanks again for sharing
Sip-n-wear.blogspot.com
Dear Kendi, this blog post makes me want to read your blog MORE, not less. Thank you for your inspiring post!
“Success is liking yourself, liking what you do, and liking how you do it.” – Maya Angelou
Great quote, friend. Thank you.
Kendi, I’ve always been so impressed with you, both from a style stand point and from a personal stand point. You are witty and hilarious, and REAL. This is even greater evidence of that. Thank you for sharing, I’m sure there are SO many people who can benefit from this!
kendi, thanks for sharing this. this is incredibly strong of you and i think very brave. i have been reading your blog for 2 years now ( i am from germany ) and i have been enjoying it a lot. i love your style and your writing and the “silly” stuff you write.
i hope that you will be fine – i´ll stay a happy reader of your blog!
Though I am a longtime reader, I’ve never commented on your blog before. I just wanted to thank you for your courage — it takes a brave heart and a strong soul to write so openly about such a difficult issue. Thank you for sharing. Good luck! So many people are rooting for you! 🙂
I think many of us have traveled down that lane, I’m glad that you’ve come forth and shared. I’m going through something similar so I find it hard to find the right words. I know the lack of concentration rings many bells for me and it’s often frustrating! Hang in there, we will all get through this. As that saying says “If you’re going through a rough time, keep going” you’ll do just fine.
http://www.houseofhemingway.com
Sharing this part of your life is brave, and you probably have no idea how many of your reader’s lives you are touching. Thank you for giving us a glimpse into your life, something beyond your clothes. I admire your honesty (and so much more!).
We are all rooting for you!
~FringeGirl
Although I have probably followed your blog for years now, I don’t think I have ever commented before. Thank you for sharing this with your readers. The stigma of depression is as bad as the depression itself. I find great comfort with my peers and I hope you will as well. Take Care!
Thank you for sharing, and good luck in finding the light.
I will, without doubt, continue to read your blog and cheer you on! I am very impressed with all you do — being entrepreneur AND a public blogger takes a lot of courage and strength.
I love your clothes but love you more. You’re awesome, Kendi. Hang in there.
Thanks for sharing and your honesty…it’s hard to be vulnerable, but I know it will help you heal.
Kendi,
Please keep writing and sharing whatever you want. The good and the bad. We’ll take it all with open arms. Even though I don’t really know you, I always want to check in with your life as if you were a friend, a very stylish one at that. Keep your chin up. We’re proud of you and this brave move to really share your life.
Thanks for sharing this, Kendi. I really appreciate your honesty and acceptance of your true self. Rooting for you! Big hugs and big smiles.
You are so brave to write this. Best of luck!
Thank you for being brave enough to post this. For whatever reason there’s a stigma around being honest about the negative things in life, and I really admire you for sharing this.
I know this probably took a lot, a LOT of guts. Thanks for sharing your story and I know you’ll get the support you need following this. Onwards and upwards!
Thank you for sharing your struggles. My parents opened a store, which they thought would be their dream, and they quickly realized how hard it was. It ate at them, and two years after closing, I fear I lost my parents somewhere in that store. They could never deal with their depression in the way you are. Good job for acknowledging it, for working on it, and for sharing it. And thank you for always bringing a sunshine into my day with your great outfits that are accessible to the normal person. You’re beautiful.
Ayesha:
I completely hear what you mean about your parents. It can eat you alive, if you let it. It’s a lot for one person (or two) In a way, I’m glad that I had a mini-breakdown because it was a stopping point for us. I didn’t have a choice but to stop and say I can’t do this, we have to make changes. But I get it, it’s a hard road to go down for sure.
Thank you for your kind words, friend.
Thanks for being so brave and sharing this with us, Kendi! As someone who has struggled with anxiety and depression most of her life, I know how hard it is to share the truth of those struggles with others- especially in a setting like this! I’ve always been impressed with your honesty and wit as much as your fashion sense, and now even more so. Stay strong, and write what you need to write. We’ll all be here to read and embrace it all!
I loved this post and am proud of your bravery! Because you mentioned happiness is a choice, may I recommend The 4:8 Principle by Tommy Newberry as it explores this concept and offers tools like mental focus and gratitude to use to be more joyful.
Thank you for the recommendation! I’ll check it out.
I like the quote a lot! Thanks for sharing your aches..healing process. we’re all the same…you’re not alone.
http://underthestarsandsun.blogspot.com/
It is such a strange feeling, being ambitious, optimistic, and also depressive. People get fooled and think you’re just being dramatic. Then you think you probably have no right to feel sad, because look at how amazing life is and all you have accomplished. Then you forget that there are other feelings and just accept anxiety of a matter of course. Anyway, getting help is tough because it means thinking about it and giving it shape and admitting that you’ve been doing life wrong somehow and also like you have let your happy, optimistic, ambitious self down. Good for you for being able to write this post.
Yes, exactly. You took the words right out of my head.
Depression is such a weird thing. It’s almost like watching myself in a movie. I can see my life — I see the good parts, I see the bad parts, I see the people in it but I don’t feel any of it. It’s like watching your life but being separated from it and not being able to get back to it.
Thanks for relating those words.
Thank you for sharing this.
Thank you for sharing your story. It can’t be easy. I know how you feel. I have never experienced a panic attack but I do feel like i’m in a deep dark hole lately. Being a wife, mother, nurse, blogger, baker has taken it’s toll. It’s a struggle to find balance. Thank you for your story and for being so candid.
Agi:)
vodkainfusedlemonade.com
I’m not much of a commenter on blogs because I (confession) read a LOT of them. One of the comments below said that this was one of the first ones they’d read – and that stands true for me as well. I’ve even read yours probably 3 different times. As much as I love your style and what you do – it’s the person behind it I adore so much. I look forward to your posts every day because they make me laugh. Your dry humor was (and often still is) the draw. I don’t struggle with the same things but at a point in my life where things looked the bleakest – your blog helped keep me through it, honestly. I probably spent more time reading it than doing anything else.
All this to say is although I (often) envy your stuff and adore your store, the personality behind it is what makes it easy to come back to over and over again. I live in Texas myself and often I want to come up to your neck of the woods just to MEET you. Because I often think you’re even more awesome and cooler in real life than you already are on the internet.
So do what you need to do – I’ll keep coming back. Because honestly I’m not a big fan of blogs who only post pictures of their clothes and nothing more than that – I want to know more about them and what makes them so much more infinitely cooler than me (heh).
Whatever happens for you I’ll keep reading – because this blogsphere is just amazing and the people on it are truly unique as well. Like you.
thank you for being so open. love your honesty.
So proud and so brave! You are so brave Kendi. Not only for sharing this but for knowing when it is time to heal. You are inspiring and helping many by this blog, your story and Bloom 🙂
Now I like you even more than I already did. Thank you 🙂
I never comment on the blogs I read – of which yours was one of the first – but I just wanted to say, well done. Hang in there.
I can imagine how difficult this was to write, but this was so movin, Kendi. In the years I’ve followed your blog, who knew that this photoless post would be my favorite you’ve ever written? Thanks for getting real with us. I’ve admired your style, and now I can honestly say I admire your soul. Depression is not an easy thing to deal with, I will keep you in my thoughts. Best to you. xo.
Kendi. Thank you so much for this post. I can relate. I’ve experienced anxiety and panic attacks my whole life and it’s so easy to let it happen, it continue with your busy and stressful lifestyle and just push these things aside.
I am SO proud of you for writing this post. It’s not easy. Anxiety and depression are little black boxes that we get locked in and it’s hard to find the way out. I’m so happy you have recognized some of your triggers and are working towards healing.
You’re so brave and I know that’s why everyone admires you. It’s your time to heal and find peace.
Thank you.
I love your courage to post this Kendi. I can’t imagine the stress of the shop, the blog and still trying to have a life with your husband and friends and family. Sometimes life can be suffocating. Sometimes I just takes making a change and realizing your triggers to make a big impact in your life. Best of luck to you.
Lindsay
LindsayJEveryday.blogspot.com
Thank you so much! I appreciate you sharing your struggle so much.
Looking forward to the good and the bad days… we’re all only human.
Just wanted to simply say, thank you for being so b r a v e!
Thank you so much for your honesty, this post was so genuine and I know that it couldn’t have been easy to write. While I love your outfit posts (seriously, come dress me, ha!) I really think that you opening up was really brave and I’m so glad you did. Praying for you lady! xo
Thanks for having the courage to share your story–it’s something I know I needed to hear. It’s so easy for me caught up feeling like I’m never enough– so I overcompensate by doing too much and exhausting myself in the process. Have you read any of the books by Brene Brown? Her book “The Gifts of Imperfection” seriously is life-changing!
I haven’t read her books, but thank you for the suggestion! I’m always on the look out for new ones to read.
I second the Brene Brown comment – read her books, watch her TED talk online. What she has to say is so inspired (plus, she’s a good Texas gal). Don’t ever apologize for allowing yourself to be honest and vulnerable for it is also the key to your strength and authenticity, Kendi. Know that you have silent (well, until now) kindred spirits wishing you well on your journey!
This is such a beautiful post. Please know everything you said is correct – we are here to hear your whole story, the ups and downs, not just the sunshine but the rainy days too. 🙂
I am truly grateful for you sharing this and admire you more for it. So true and honest, as bloggers, sometimes we get caught up in this other world and we need to pull ourselves back down to earth just like everyone. Truly fantastic words written and I hope each day it gets a little easier.
Thank you so much for your post about your struggles. I’ve read your blog for over a year and I love it for many reasons. You are funny, gorgeous, have great style, and there is something about you and the way you handle your self that draws people in. And this post is a perfect example of that. I too struggle with depression in ways that is easy to ignore sometimes, and in other ways its embarrassing and makes me feel defeated. The lay in bed all day and do nothing but cry at randoms things, defeated. I am a happy person with an amazing husband, and the job that I’ve always dreamed of, but It has always baffled me how someone so happy can be not so happy at the same time. Luckily for God’s grace, he rights our wrongs and takes away our pain and struggle… if we let him. Whatever your beliefs may be, I pray peace for you. And I pray strength & rejuvenation for you and your husband. Its not an easy journey, and it never will be… but God doesn’t give someone something they can’t handle. He also working in wonderful ways… one of those being allowing you to open your heart to the world and drawing me in to read it. Your courage and strength inspires me to do the same. So, THANK YOU for being you and opening up. I can only imagine how many people are moved by your journey. I know I am! God bless you, girl! You deserve happiness, and you’re are gonna get it, I just know it.
Jillian
This took courage. Thanks for sharing. I will always love to hear the honest side of things. Blessings to you on your journey.
Thank you so much for writing this Kendi. I struggle with Depression too, and it is just so hard sometimes. The last 2 days in fact have been pretty bad, but this post just helped me a lot. I never would have guessed that you struggle with it as well, and I don’t think you know how many people your touching by telling your story. Getting back into the Word and hearing Jesus’ words have been invaluable to me.
When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought joy to my soul. Psalm 94:19 (NIV)
Cast all your anxiety on Him because he cares for you. 1 Peter 5:7 (NIV)
Brave, indeed. Kudos to you for sharing this with us.
Erin
http://www.BrainsOfTheOutfit.com
You my favorite style blogger are a breath of fresh air. Thank you so much for sharing your story. It makes you real. Sending positive thoughts and vibes your way. I know that all will be well.
I hope you understand the permission you just gave to your readers to exhale, pursue their truth, and live it out loud. Thank you Kendi. I wish nothing but for you to be your best self.
Take care of you! I had panic attacks for years and finally went to a therapist, it did wonders. Hang in there.
Blogs are best when they are real – even heartbreaking. Thank you for having the courage. Also, I’ve heard this woman speak on her panic attacks and anxiety, and she is wonderful. You might check it out. http://www.amazon.com/Freefall-Fly-Breathtaking-Journey-Meaning/dp/1414379366/ref=wl_it_dp_o_pC_nS_nC?ie=UTF8&colid=2TF30R0E7N7HT&coliid=I1542K5JNTF6SC
And now all of us come out of the woodwork. The hard thing about depression is that it feels like you’re in a dark place all alone, and more than that, it feels OK. But many of us (myself included) have been there, too. Thank you for sharing your story and for allowing all of us to be helping hands as you move forward. Together, we’ll open the door out.
Dear Kendi,
Thank you for being so brave. Take care of yourself.
XXXXXX
Megan
Thanks for writing this post. I have struggled with depression too and know how difficult it can be to talk about it. I’m glad you are taking care of yourself.
Thank you for sharing. I come from a family which depression runs in, and although I’ve never suffered from it, I’ve dealt with it with many people very close to me. It helps to talk, to admit it, to be open, and so I’m grateful that you’ve been able to do that with us, your readers.
You should be proud of your accomplishments, because I look up to you as a new blogger. You have done so much, so don’t forget that.
Keep looking for the light, keep looking back at your accomplishments. Ambition is nothing if you can’t reflect on the achievements with a smile.
Thanks and best wishes your way,
Lesley
Thank you so much for sharing this with all of your readers Kendi. I have read your blog for a couple of years now and this post has by fat had the biggest impact and made me respect you so much. As someone who has had her own struggles with depression I understand where you are coming from and I appreciate you finally being open about what you have been going through. Thank you!
Thank you for sharing Kendi. This was a tear-filled read. I so much appreciate you taking down the cyber blogging wall and letting us in. Life isn’t filled with lollipops and rainbows everyday but life does go on so long as you push ahead. All of your readers are rooting for you!
Thanks for sharing. As someone who has dealt with depression, too, I find that it is incredibly brave of you to share this. Hang in there, and know that things will slowly get better. And they’ll stay that way. They have for me.
I really hope you are feeling better. While I love and adore your clothes and get so many great wardrobe ideas from you, it’s you and your humor and your writing that keeps me coming back.
I am feeling better, not 100%. Maybe like 65%? But thank you for your encouragement, it means a lot. 🙂
thank you for sharing this kendi~!! thank you soo much!! i think a lot of people go through the same thing as you, but fear sharing in on their blogs, but it makes you more real and makes me love you even more than i already do! 🙂
xo,
Sandy
Sandy a la Mode
Kendi, I’ve been a reader of your blog for years, although I think this is my first time to comment.
Thank you for your honesty and your bravery. I face similar demons in my own life (control freak, anxiety ridden, perfectionist, overachiever). I just finished law school (literally I’m graduating on Saturday) and my first year was almost the end of me. I was in the darkest place I’ve ever been and for the longest time I didn’t even realize how lost I was. The journey back to myself was long and painful and arduous. But I can honestly say that 3 years later I am happy and whole and have far greater respect for just letting myself live and be happy.
Sending you the warmest wishes on your journey. Keep sharing the good with the bad. I, for one, will keep reading.
Thank you for writing this! Take if from someone who has slipped into depression several times, had panic attacks and even some crazy anxiety attacks, I know where you are coming from. Much truth in the line “Happiness is a CHOICE.”
Word to the wise – be careful with depression meds…
Praying for you! =)
your honesty is wonderful. i hope cleaning your slate and talking about the not so pretty things in your life are steps to brighter days ahead 🙂
XOXO
Thank you for sharing such a hard part of your life with us. I much prefer the blogs I read to be real rather than smiley and perfect al the time because that is not real life. I hope that you will be able to find some sort of healthy balance in your life and continue to ask for help from your loved ones and professionals when you need it. Do what you need to do to be healthy and happy!
Thank you for sharing Kendi. Hope you can continue to move forward. ( ( ( hugs ) ) )
You are a profoundly great person for posting this.
I can relate all too well. I am fighting this battle myself. This was very brave of you, and I am so proud of you. You are helping others by sharing. I know it has helped me to hear the feelings put into words so well. Thanks and best wishes.
This is one of the most true, honest and beautiful posts I’ve ever read. I know sharing emotions is hard, but you just did it in so mature and inspiring (!) way. Thank you.And I wish you all the best!
Thank you for your bravery in sharing this. The details of our stories might be different, but you should know that you’re not alone in these feelings and struggles. Here’s to you and me, and to both of us finding the light in the shadows 🙂
Kendi, thank you so much for sharing this. I wish I could hug you right now because last year, I was going through a situation very similar to yours.
“There is something else I’ve realized in my struggle: life is good. I’ve confused ambition with dissatisfaction. Ambition isn’t something that sets out to destroy, it’s something that sets out to create.” That sent chills down my spine because I was in a job for two years that, while it gave me a level of professional status, provided me with wonderful experience, and brought me to meet some of my best friends, it drained me of everything I loved about myself to the point that I did have to do the same thing as you and seek help. It was the best decision I ever made and I’m thrilled you are getting what you need too.
You’re not alone in this at all and if you ever need anything, just let me know =D
You are a brave and beautiful person! (I know you probably can’t see that now, but some day you will.) The sunshine is headed your way.
Dear Kendi,
I empathize with you as I have suffered from severe panic attacks since I was 20 years old. A difficult relationship in my early 20s triggered panic attacks so severe, I would be rushed to the ER out of fear that I was having a seizure or a stroke. Like you, I was always (and have always been) obsessed with ‘what’s next.’ Marriage, professional career, keeping up financially and obsessing over how much I’m saving vs. spending; the inability for me to just be content with the here and now and what I’ve got and not worry so much about the ‘small stuff’…now I am obsessed with the fear of having a baby. (these are personal experiences…not that you have the same worries, but I empathize with the anxiety bit.) The unknown is something that is extremely difficult for me, too. Know that you are not alone. My genetic makeup points to the fact that my parents (mostly dad) and grandparents suffered from the same form of panic and anxiety for most of their lives. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers during this time. Know that what you are going through is very common and you are not alone.
With blessings,
Natalie
Hi, sweetie! I’m an old reader but I’ve never left a message before. I admire not only your incredible sense of fashion but your sense of humor also. So sorry to hear that you’re going through a difficult time in you life. However, as a 29-year-old woman who’s suffered from anxiety, depression and OCD my whole life, I can tell you (for sure) that this is going to get better, I promise you. You are seeing a doctor and seeking help from your loved ones, that’s the beginning of the cure process 🙂 I hope you get better soon! Cheers from Brazil!
Kendi, you are an inspiration. Too many people (women especially) try to project these perfect images of a non-stressful, fun-filled life and although it’s good to see these happy images, it also makes the viewer depressed that their life isn’t as glamourous. Thank you so much for sharing your real life; it’s refreshing to see a real person on the internet, not just someone in cute clothes. Keep doing what you’re doing and the right people will support you no matter what.
<3
Quite simply, thank you for sharing this. It’s so refreshing to hear honesty and true feelings! Thank you again and hang in there, it definitely gets better. 🙂
Thank you so much Kendi for opening up your heart and sharing this story with us. I’m glad you were able to overcome your fear and finally posted this. I believe most of us go through different levels of depression and of course it’s so hard to get out of it and keep going when all you want to do is cry and not be bothered by anyone. What has helped me tremendously is reading specifically Buddhism books two books that I recommend are The Art of Happiness by the Dalai Lama and Howard Cutler and Fear by Thich Nhat Hahn. I wish you the best 🙂
Thank you, Kendi for posting this- beautifully written. Thank you for being brave. I have read your posts daily for years and will continue to do so! xo- Kristine
Know there are others out there that feel that feel the very same way you do. It says a lot for you to be able to share it with us, and know going forward, talking about it will get easier It’s a learning process. xoxoxo Ashley
I don’t often comment on my favorite blogs, even if I read them every day. But I need to comment on this, to say thank you Kendi. For being honest and real. Reading fashion blogs and lifestyle blogs and seeing pretty things every day…it has often made me feel like I need to stop, because my life counldn’t/can’t compare. But reading this reminded me that you are human. That you are all human and that we share many similarities, anxieties, and more.
So thank’s again for being honest and human Kendi. You Rock.
Bravo for opening up. I’ve always wanted to hear more, not less, about your life. I have huge compassion for what you are dealing with and am glad you have a great support system (your family) and have gone to the doctors for help. Best wishes to you… my very favorite blogger 🙂
Vulnerability is always hard to put forth, especially when you judge yourself harshly. And, I’m sure this comment thread will blow up with support for you. Let me just add that I undertand exactly where you’re coming from. I’ve embarked on a new business recently and felt like I’ve lost myself. It’s hard and you always feel like you’re fighting an uphill battle to just get back the smallest of comforts with depression. I sincerely wish you the best figuring out what will bring you into a brighter place.
I started visiting every day to see the clothes and for inspiration in my own wardrobe. I kept coming because I liked YOU, the person and your voice. Now, you’re even more of an inspiration. Hang in there Kendi. hugs and love coming your way.
Thank you for sharing. Depression is a beast I’ve struggled to conquer as well. It’s an uphill battle, but made easier with the help of loved ones – of which I know you have an abundance. Including those who loves your blog. Hang in there, Kendi. Prayers headed your way.
Thank you for sharking this post, Kendi. I can only imagine how difficult it was to hit “publish” but I’m so glad you did. Life isn’t all puppy dogs and rainbows, but sometimes its hard to admit that to yourself (especially if you’re a perfectionist!). And with all of the illusions that bloggers, celebrities, the media, etc, put out there about life being happy and cheerful all the time, it’s nice to see some realness. You’re so brave for opening up, and I hope you continue to do so (although, I love your outfit posts too!!). I also hope we hear more about Bloom and your accomplishments! Glad you’re feeling better 🙂
Kendi, I read this with tears in my eyes. You are so brave so share your life with us. I know how you feel. I have been there.
Hi!
I follow a lot of fashion blogs. I don’t know if I’m fashionable or not, but I sure try. What I do know is that sometimes I think to myself “it can’t all be perfect, these beautiful lives I see on the internet” I look in my own closet and some of my clothes are faded, torn..really cheap. But then I look in my proverbial closet (aka, myself..HA, I’m funny toooo;)) and I think I’m.a.hot.freakin’.mess. And then the dark clouds come for a while, but they always clear. For someone who always wants to be better, who really does thrive when she’s smiling from the inside, the cloud will always lift, I truly believe this. Thanks for sharing your messy closet. I still think it’s nice to know that no matter the mess on the inside, you can do something for yourself, care about yourself and get dressed. I’m happy to hear you’ve visited a Dr. This life we live in is too hard to handle on our own. Embrace sadness and look forward to the clearing!
Kudos to you for sharing. I was visiting my parents last weekend in TX and we finally made it over to Bloom. I was bummed that you weren’t there but your husband and employee were super friendly and helpful! 🙂
Hi Bri!
B told me about you 🙂 I’m sorry I wasn’t there either, but thank you for stoping in. I hope you got some pretty new things.
May your clean slate start today. Thank you for being such a fine example of a BRAVE woman. We all have different battles we are fighting. I love how you said. “It’s a choice to be present and thankful”. Sometimes that is the only choice we have! God Bless!
I think we have all wondered: how does she do it all and still look that good? I always assume that a blog never reveals everything about a person, and that there are some things you deserve to keep to yourself.
That said, thank you for your courageous sharing. I feel like we’re long-time friends because of your presence here and I want to give you a virtual hug of encouragement for doing so much, following your dreams, and working through some difficult struggles in the process.
So brave of you to write this post! I hope you found it reassuring and therapeutic. I have suffered at different times in my life, too, with panic attacks and anxiety. The important thing to know is that those bumps in the road come and go and that there is always way more beautiful times ahead. I hope you feel better each day until this rough road turns into a distant memory.
*Standing ovation*
I was recently told that my longtime readers sometimes feel like they don’t KNOW me, and so today I wrote a post opening up about some of the more serious parts of my life. It was terrifying so I can’t imagine how it must’ve felt for you to write this. But I CAN imagine how many people you’re going to be helping. I tend to fall victim too to letting the blog be a shiny and happy place when we all know that isn’t life all the time. I’m wishing you lots of love and luck in your healing process.
I won’t lie that I started visiting this blog for the outfits/fashion. But what’s kept me coming back is your voice/humor. Noone is perfect and its fine to hit speed bumps. I really hope you get the help you need and feel better. You’re beautiful both inside and out!
Oh Kendi, if I’m being honest I’ve been a little sad over the last few years watching the real you drift away from the blog. And while I LOVE LOVE your humor and think you’re the funniest person ever, I LOVE LOVE LOVE the real you even more. And I think all your readers can attest to that. The real you, good and bad, happy and sad, is what brought your readers here, and what has kept them around for so long. Not the clothes, although they are so very cute.
Welcome back, Kendi, we’re here and ready for whatever you need to say, this is your space, after all.
Thank you for sharing, you da best.
It is sad that you felt you couldnt share your successes for fear of bieng judged. People need to be happy for each other in good times and realize we never know what the bad times may have been. I think you are truly inspiring and thank you for sharing this!
Yeah, you know honestly I think it was more of me being in my way than others. I think it’s just something I had to learn for myself, you know? If I had to do it all over again, I’d shout it from the rooftops but I can’t go back. But hopefully I can move forward without fear of sharing the good and hiding the bad.
Thank you for your sweet comment.
Dearest Kendi, isn’t blogging weird but amazing because you have these “friends” that you’ve never met who want nothing but good things for you and your life. Everyone struggles to balance everything in life and find happiness. Your honesty and sense of humor are always so refreshing and my advice to you (since I’ve been alive 10 years longer- I feel qualified to give you advice:)) is to eliminate (either temporarily or permanently) whatever isn’t contributing to your long-term goals and happiness. Sometimes we feel “trapped” because we started doing something that we once loved and people expect us to keep going, but if we’re honest with ourselves, it’s no longer a source of joy- but one of stress or anxiety. Cut that out. Trim the fat. Don’t worry about disappointing anyone. Those who love you will still love you and be proud of you and be there for you. Take care of your health- physical, mental, emotional, & spiritual- and work outward from a healthy self. Best of luck in everything and I kinda hope I don’t see a post from you in a while so you can relax a little and decompress 🙂
~Karen
As one of my style inspirations, you and your blog brighten my day. But, as I know all too well, there is always two sides to each story. I am right there with you girl – I’ve juggled full time working mother, divorcee, a 2nd marriage, a new home, a small business – and while I can maintain a good “face” 95% of the time, 95% of that time is spent wondering if I will fail. I’ve juggled all that AND depression. And with depression came the panic attacks/anxiety. You should be proud of what you do/have done – and those of us who follow you should be proud you trusted us to know your story’s “other side”. Be well, be strong, be you!
Hugs hugs hugs! Thank you for sharing. Here’s hoping you get in a better state soon. Anyone can look cute in clothes, but it is the personality that keeps us coming back. Lots of love to you!
Thanks for sharing Kendi. I have also suffered from similar bouts of depression, managing to look happy on the outside, but sad on the inside. I think its powerful to let it out, let people support you and realize that there is always going to bad (I am working on accepting this + trying not to make everything perfect), so let’s just try to focus on the good (most of the time). You are lovely and wonderful and here’s to a clean slate! <3<3<3
Take some time. Get well. Wishing you the best.
Thank you for sharing your story. We are all here for YOU, not just your clothes (although those are always fab). Your honesty took a lot of courage, so thank you.
Not to sound super cheesy, but have you heard the song “Who You Are” by Jessie J? In it she says “it’s ok not to be ok”. I think just a few simple words in that sentence speaks volumes. 🙂
xo, Yi-chia
Always Maylee
You are SO BRAVE! Thank you, thank you. I’ve been reading since you started- tracked your move back to North Texas- watched you open a shop- and I had no idea, but as I was navigating depression and anxiety and meds and marriage and panic attacks and blah blah blah- so WAS I! So weird! I must have seen it in your eyes 🙂 I’m so proud of you, Girl. Way to kick ass and carry on. ” Ambition isn’t something that sets out to destroy, it’s something that sets out to create.” — uh hello? Yoda? I’ve been reading all of these years and I didn’t know how well you could write or how wise you are! I’m thanking God for you, your hard-working spirit, your amazing husband, and your COURAGE! So proud of you, Kendi!
Kendi! We love you and your blog!! Hang in there it will get better…we are all here for you to vent to! I am so inspired by what you do daily…opening a shop…maintaining a blog..and a marriage. You are doing so much better than you give yourself credit for. If you are ever in the DC area…stop on over…we’ll have some wine…and vent about life’s ridiculousness
xo
A
I love everything about this post.
I remember being very confused when you didn’t share and celebrate bloom when you opened it and now I can see that I was picking up on little pieces of this slipping in.
I really respect you writing this post and explaining everything to all of us but, really, I respect you most for being honest with yourself.
Good luck.
Thank you, thank you. I have never commented before, but I am a longtime reader. I have generalized anxiety disorder and so many of the feelings you’ve shared resonate with me. I hate that you are dealing with depression and anxiety, but I cannot thank you enough for telling your story. You’re very brave, and you’re not alone.
Kendi, though I only “know” you through this small window in blog land, I’m proud of you! I think your story reflects that of many women and the struggle to balance ambition, pride, perfection and reality. As someone prone to anxiety myself, a huge web-hug and thank you for your honesty and vulnerability. And humor. Most of all the humor 🙂
I also wanted to offer up a book I haven’t yet read, but heard good things about: “Fear and Other Uninvited Guests: Tackling the Anxiety, Fear, and Shame That Keep Us from Optimal Living and Loving” by Harriet Lerner
Other people have said it better already, so I’ll just say you are awesome for writing this.
You are so, so brave for sharing this with us. I pray that you continue healing and seeing the light in the shadows.
Thank you for being so brave such a difficult thing to share. We’re listening, we care… and we support you!
Serious kudos to you for sharing your story. I think people often forget that, behind the pretty clothes and well put together outfits, bloggers are people too. It takes so much strength to realize that something is wrong and you are not where you want to be emotionally…and then do something to fix it. Remember that you have so many people who care about you, and don’t be afraid to lean on them. Getting better is your top priority, and we’ll all still be here when you’re ready.
xo
Sam
Sweet Kendi, you’re already on the mend. This community adores you, all parts of you, and that includes cheering you on when you feel like you’re up to your eyeballs in ick. Fall apart a little, do your best to try again, but don’t lose sight of YOU.
you’re doing the right thing.
Thank you so much for sharing! yours is the first blog I’ve ever followed and (this sounds weird) but you felt distant for a while. Happy to see/hear the real you! I too started seeing a doctor recently and it made me realize that I need to let go and live. And let others live as well, because I found myself so often trying to help everyone else and putting my needs last. Keep true to you and your husband of course. He loves you a whole lot – I bet that’s why he took you on a getaway vacation!
That doesn’t sound weird at all. I always felt a little guilty when I would post a simple post, wondering if people could tell. If I felt or sounded distant, so yeah I gotcha.
I agree on the live and let go. It’s hard to do, but probably one of the best lessons I could ever learn. I’m not there yet, but hopefully will be!
Thank you for the comment, Kara 🙂
Just wanted to say thank you for sharing. This post couldn’t have come at a better time for me. Without getting into too many details, I too struggle with anxiety and over the past few weeks it has come to a head. It has begun to affect my marriage and other aspects of my life and I am now in the process of getting help. Your words have helped to encourage me that there is a light at the end of the tunnel or that there are two sides to every story – because we think we’re the only one struggling with these sorts of things. But it happens to the best of us. I too have realized that happiness is a choice and in the past I have chosen not to live this way. My husband has helped to make me realize that I need to choose the happiness road since I have so much in life to be thankful for. So I just wanted to say thank you for writing this post. Just reading it has helped me even more than you know and in some weird way I feel comforted to know that I am not alone in the things that I feel…so thank you, your words mean a lot to me. 🙂
Megan
budgetfashion101.blogspot.ca
That took so much courage and I hope it aids in your road of healing! Thank you for that as it really spoke to me as well in a place of discontentment and feeling futile.
i know this is from a faceless blogstalker but! kendi, you are loved. you do so much good. keep going. thankful for YOU.
Kendi,
Your blog was the first I ever followed…thanks for being so brave and sharing. We love you, take the time to do what is right for you in your life. Depression is a difficult road to navigate; I hope for only the best for you.
Thank you for sharing this. We all have our own story and way, and I appreciate anything you ever want to share. I can’t believe I’ve been reading this blog for years now! I have always loved getting inspiration from your style, but I have also liked learning about your life when you choose to share. I’m glad you have been getting help and that you’re feeling better. You never have anything for which to be ashamed! I hope you continue to be able to enjoy life! I’ll be here reading and gaining inspiration as long as you choose to give it.
Never be afraid to be honest or to not sugar coat everything! I think we can all safely say that we have had down points or have even been in the same position! In fact when you moved from dallas i completely understand that feeling cause I did it myself and spent months unemployed in a town I didn’t know freaking out! and i have had panic attacks, they are so incredibly horrible!
But I really want you to know how incredibly proud you should be of those good things that you have achieved you have certainly been a huge inspiration to me – you encouraged me to take the leap of getting my partners i.t business of the ground and just going for things. also knowing that there is more to life than a job your not fond of!
You are an incredible person and panic attacks and needing to take a break doesn’t detract from the wonderful person you are and we as your readers have come to know and love. We miss the real and honest kendi! I certainly come here more for your stories, your personality more than anything else. You make kendi everyday/Bloom the success that it is and deserves to be!
You’ve certainly inspired me big time and if that’s just one person and remember your doing great! If there wasn’t hiccups along the way i think I would be more worried!
keep going far more amazing things to come!
Jennx
Kendi,
Thanks so much for sharing and being transparent about what has been going on in your life. I think so many of your readers, myself included, can relate to feelings of depression and anxiety. I read this blog because you have amazing style, wit, but mostly your natural ability to relate others. Very thankful for hearing your story and hoping that you continue to get stronger everyday. Stay real it works for you!
Dear Kendi, I’m proud of you for making a choice to look for the light instead of shadows. Keep making that choice every day!
Good job, girl. So many people struggle with depression and it makes me mad that it is not talked about more. More light needs to be shed on this issue. Your bravery sharing here is a blessing to others going through your same struggle, and those who have people in their lives who are struggling. <3
That was an incredibly inspiring post. As someone who has also struggled with accepting that I deal with the same types of things, your bravery for sharing something that Ive always kept so private is something I stand up and applaud.
I do come to see your pretty outfits, but I would LOVE to hear more about your life. You’re an incredible writer and and I love your words as much as your pictures. Good luck and keep on going!
Hello, Kendi!
Thank you for writing this post.
Everyone needs to cry sometimes, not always laugh. We shouldn’t block our negative emotions. Hope you’ll be o’k 🙂
Thank you for being so brave. Honesty is the most frightening thing one can accomplish. I have not struggled with depression, but I do struggle with anxiety and panic attacks. I am so grateful to have a wonderful therapist and a supportive family, but I’m also grateful for the brave honesty you’ve demonstrated. I’m proud of the work I’ve done to manage and treat my anxiety, but I’m also very proud of your determination and effort to really, truly live and exist as yourself. Thank you. (I’m a very huggy person, so *hug*!)
i don’t ever comment but laugh out loud at every one of your posts! there have been other style blogs i’ve tried to follow but even with perfect clothes, they seem boring or too surface. I’ve always appreciated your personality that comes out in your writing. true, honest, hilarious. Thanks for sharing the hard stuff and being real. praying for you! depression is such a hard thing and only god can truly heal you of it!
I’ve been a long time reader but never commented, until now. I just wanted to say thank you for sharing, it’s so very brave of you!
Thank you for this. Thank you for being so transparent, thank you for including us “readers” in your life. Thank you for the inspiration. Thank you for making life okay. Blogs can feel like lies sometimes, and you just made your the truth. I like truth. Thank you for truthiness.
Thank you so much for writing this post. I have loved your blog for a while and have always wondered why you didn’t share more, why it was so much surface stuff. This may sound corny, but I am excited to see more of your personality on here. And I am really glad you are getting some help – as a panic attack sufferer, those things are no joke!
I’ve always loved your blog and have wished for more ‘you’ posts. Yes, I love the pretty pictures, I just love when people are real. I’m glad you’re feeling better and better and I hope to learn more about the ‘personal side of you.’
I have never met you in real-life, but we have similar souls. I’m actually sitting here in tears because I have been there, I lived there. All I can tell you is it will get better and it takes time. *hugs*
Oh Kendi!! You are amazing. We love you no matter what. Thank you for sharing this. I am sure it was difficult, but it was beautiful. We want to share in your joys and sorrows. I feel like I know you even though we’ve never met, and likely never will. Hang in there, girl. It’s all going to be ok.
My mom, who is in the healthcare profession, has been struggling with depression for years. Some days I can tell she’s wrestling with issues, some days she hides it so well that I think she’s completely better. The one thing she did to help herself was go to a therapist. She refused the pills and she refused going to the doctor, since she’s basically one herself.
She doesn’t like to brag about her accomplishments as a professor, or all the volunteer work she does in the free clinic and a local homeless shelter. But she completely lights up when she talks about it. And she has a reason to! Just like you have a reason to. You’re doing something you completely love; something you can be proud of.
I love, love looking at the pictures of your outfits, but I love reading what you’ve written at the bottom of each post even more. Your personality comes out through your writing- almost like I can hear someone directly saying your sentences to me. I admire so much that you’ve opened up your own store; it’s a far off dream for me, but you’ve actually done it. You’re truly an inspiration. Very truly. Be proud of yourself and know you’ve done things of which others can only dream.
I’ve never commented before, but I’ve read your blog for years, and as a fellow 28-year old who is constantly creatively road-blocked by my own fear, anxiety and depression (I took violin, not piano, haha), I commend you on being so forward and honest. May you find the healthy balance you very clearly deserve. Thank you 🙂
oh gosh, i know you’re probably getting absolutely flooded with comments now (and for good reason!), but i just figured i’d add my two cents as well.
this is my first time ever commenting (i’m sorry! not for lack of interest in your posts; i’m just a passive blog reader). this post really moved me. i find myself often questioning why i religiously pay attention to so many fashion/style-oriented blogs since most are usually so vapid and devoid of real substance (i won’t name names…). this post re-confirmed for me that there actually are some genuinely great bloggers out there who truly respect their followers and want to keep things real. you are without a doubt one of my most favorite bloggers ever.
i applaud you for taking a huge risk by sharing such dark, personal thoughts with complete strangers who look up to you so much (i know i do, anyway). not that i didn’t respect you before this, but i definitely respect you as a blogger and as a person even more now.
as i read this, i found myself relating to a lot of what you said. no, i don’t own a store or run a successful blog, but lately i find myself trying to deny any dark thoughts that come my way for fear of exposing my unhappiness to others. it’s so refreshing that you ignored all the blogger “taboos” and just put it all out there. i sincerely hope you feel comfortable enough to share more about your personal life/bloom/etc. in the future, as i’m sure most (if not all) readers here feel the same way.
thank you again, kendi. be well!
Hugs from your kid who just had a kid. Take many breaks and don’t feel obligated to Anyone but yourself:) I hope you can feel my hugs all the way from Houston:)
I feel them Reiko!! Give that sweet baby a kiss for me 🙂
Kendi-
Thank you for sharing your story! I deal with the anxiety side of the shadows. And goodness, is it not a lonely place to be! I have an amazing husband who, like yours, is so gracious and helpful. He has become the best help, along with prayer! It’s strange how when you read a blog for years, you feel as though you are friends with the writer, which, I think is to your credit. Thanks again for sharing your story! I hope that sharing it helps you to heal and move more toward the light. I do pray that you get there quickly and are able to stay there.
emily
Kendi,
I don’t know what else to say except I love your blog, your style, and your sense of humor. I will be praying for you! And I have been working on the things I am fearful of doing/sharing as well so thank you for being brave and inspiring me to do the same!
Dear Kendi,
I am 27 and have been struggling with depression since I was 12. Thank you for being so brave and sharing this with us. I hope this dark time passes quickly.
Alex
Hi Alex:
That’s a long time to deal with depression, friend. I hope you read through the comments as though they are speaking to you, too. It’s nice to see so many others suffer but also conquer depression.
Thanks for the encouragement.
Kendi
A blog is tricky and something I obviously struggle with as I haven’t posted on mine in months because of my own fear but I’m a huge supporter of bloggers. Yours, my dear, is one of the few I never miss a post. Anxiety & depression are hard struggles; panic attacks are awful. Take some time to find some peace in your mind and your heart. We’re here Kendi! Not just to see your cute face and fearless fashion but to hear your story.
Needed this. Thanks for sharing.
Kendi, this is a beyond amazing post! Giving you a huge virtual hug right now, and mind you I am NOT a hugger.
I love that you can open up and show a raw side of you that makes you human just like the rest of us. We all worry and fret..I know I do at least, I am an over-analyzer at heart. I look forward to more posts from you, whether they are silly or raw.
Best wishes on your journey! I’ll be here right along with you reading every post. 🙂
Thank you for sharing your story.
Hey, girl – thank you for your “clean slate” sharing. I have always been a HIGHLY emotional person, but it wasn’t till two years ago due to incredible family stress that I really broke down and had (it felt like) a two week-long panic attack. I couldn’t sleep and couldn’t eat and couldn’t function, but it wasn’t until a dear friend told me that she herself struggled with anxiety that I was able to go and get help. I still have bad days (today’s actually been a doozy) but I am so much better due to the grace of God, some good therapy, and a prescription from my doctor.
Anytime someone brave like you shares her struggles, you encourage someone else to be brave and get help.
Hang in there.
Bravo, Kendi. I feel like you took the mix of barbed wire out of my head the past 8 months and spit in into this post. 🙂 Thank you for sharing your story. Continue to be strong, but honest and real. Honesty and humility and reality–those are the true pillars of strength (as I am slowly but surely finding out myself). I love your blog, and I would continue to read with or without the style. 😉
Take care.
I know it’s been said several times already, but I have to agree this post was one of my favorites. I can relate and it can be a very dark hole to be in. Thank you for sharing this and letting us all know that we are here to help each other and the only way to do this is to speak out loud what we need. Again thank you so much for all of this.
Thank you. This is why you’re my favorite blogger. xo
Thank you for being so fearless and sharing your story! You are inspiring us all to live our truest selves. Thank you for reminding us that there is beauty in the darkness, and that is it ok to accept both sides of yourself. I hope that this blog will be a safe place for you to share more of who you really are. Love,
Vio
Kendi, you are such an amazing person. Thank you for sharing your story. I believe that a bunch of people feel the same way you do. I know that I do at some points in my life. Remember you only have one life – live it to the happiest! Thinking of you and send warm and fuzzy thoughts your way! Thanks for always being an inspiration!
xoxo,
Laura
In addition to being incredibly creative and passionate, you are also very brave. Thank you for sharing your story and know that all your reader’s thoughts are with you during this process!
Thank you for sharing that with us! So powerful.
What an incredibly brave thing you’ve done by sharing your story. I don’t know you personally, I live hundreds of miles away, yet through your blog I feel like your one of my best friends. I pray you’ll find comfort and can move forward in your incredible journey.
Thank you so much for writing this and sharing your struggles. As someone that also deals with depression and anxiety on a daily basis, I know how crippling and life altering it can be. Thank you for opening up to us and being so honest.
I’m impressed by your courage to write this post. Thank you for your honesty! It feels good to read something about the human behind the blog so you can realize, that the life shown here is realy only a snapshot of the whole person and her life and experiences.
(I had my first panic attack and what I believe is a depression last winter and can only now slowly start to talk about it to my close family and friends, so thank you for making me feel less weird and giving me a tiny bit more courage.)
I can relate! Thank you for sharing, Kendi. I hope that you will be able to find a balance and hopefully prioritize all of your responsibilities. Your health comes first.
{{hugs}} to you. thanks for sharing an often “swept under the carpet” topic. It was beautifully written.
Hi Kendi!
As someone who deals with depression everyday, I completely understand how you feel! But I think you should know, that you are inspiration to not only me, but probably most of your readers. Not because of what you wear, but because of your ability to be humble, funny, and hardworking. And for what you wear, because, well, your style is fantastic!
-Meghan
meghanbanke.com
This is why I’ve been coming to your blog for years. You are the most refreshing blogger out there. Thank you.
You are amongst friends, and I hope you feel our support through the world wide web. Your blog brings a lot of joy to a lot of people, but the most important person you need to be concerned about bringing joy to is yourself. You rule.
I was that kid that wrote emo poems and in my college years had extreme anxiety, and as an adult still struggle with depression and anxiety. Thank you for sharing this part of you with us. There are so many people out there who know how you feel and are supporting you.
I’m glad we have those poems in common. Thank you for the support, friend.
Thank you so much for this. I’ve been a lurker for a little while, but I wanted to express how much I appreciate your honesty, and I’m glad you have made steps to get help. Your bravery really helps others, including myself, feel like they aren’t alone with their own anxieties or struggles.
http://startingwithaspark.com
I was 5 months pregnant with my first and only child when my mom died of breast cancer. My husband and friends used to think I was ok with an occasional ‘bad’ day. In reality, I was depressed EVERY day and occasionally had a ‘good’ day. Not until you have gone through depression can you truly understand what it feels like. How you CAN’T just ‘snap out of it’.
I have been a long time reader of your blog and I have never commented on a blog before, but I wanted to commend you for your post. It’s a very difficult thing to talk/write about for sure! I wish you all the best and thank you for sharing.
(Therapy and Zoloft helped me through that rough period)
I’m so sorry about your mother. That must have been extremely hard to deal with, and while you were pregnant.
I totally agree with you. I’ve felt like I almost have to convince people that no, really I’m depressed not just sad. I’ve had a lot of people mention therapy or counseling, so thank you for suggesting it. It might be something to look into!
Thank you again for your comment and encouragement.
Thank you for sharing that. I don’t find inspiration in just the clothes you wear, or your hard work and dedication to your store – it’s in everything you write (especially the “bad” puns that I love so much). I hope more light streams into the shadows for you.
Lots of love and hugs to you.
Thank you for sharing, Kendi! Your bravery means so much to us. Also I can totally relate, and this post came at a really good time for me. Good luck with finding more balance in your life. You have so many supporters!
Honesty is a beautiful accessory. We don’t just come for the clothes, we come for you & I for one am honored that you opened up and let us in. Makes us all feel more normal & that being real & vulnerable is just as beautiful as the clothes we wear
Last week, for the first time I was able to tell people that despite everything being good in my life (yes, there is stress, but everything is good), the physical pain that depression causes was just too much to bear. All I wanted to do was cry, but I instead reached out and am getting the help I need.
Thank you so very much for your words. I’m so happy you’re getting the help you need.
Here’s to sunshine AND rain.
Behind you all the way, Kendi! I know the feeling of depression and have dealt with it for a long time, but just know you’re supported here on the interwebs! I love the funny stuff but this stuff is important too!
I don’t know you, but I have a strong suspicion that you are absolutely amazing. I completely relate to your mental health history (sad poems in a closet at my parents’ house, check, emo music for my 20s, check) and to your ambition. I recently decided to step away from my PhD program because it was all too much and I decided I’d rather focus on the rest of my life. You have to put yourself first; no one else will.
I love your blog and everything you have to write. I look and dress nothing like you and wouldn’t even be able to fit into anything you sell at Bloom, but I still love looking and admiring the outfits you put together, the combinations you create that I would never think to.
Thank you for sharing more with us. I hope it helps you and I hope you feel freer to share more going forward.
I look up to you so much. You are honest, strong, hardworking, beautiful, funny, and have great style. You inspired me to start my own blog and reach for my dreams. Thank you for sharing.
Depression is a witch to deal with. Take care of yourself. *Hugs*
And on a funnier note…my hubby and I were traveling 6 hours with our 1 year old to see family. I get extremely anxious when things are out of the norm, aka, my whiney son in a car ride. I went to get a drink in a gas station because it was my turn to drive and the attendant told me my total which was $2.05…I sat staring at the change in my wallet and couldn’t think if a nickel was 5 cents! The attendant looked at me, and asked if I was okay. I looked back at him, clicked that a nickel is 5 cents and said, yes, but I am just traveling with a 1 year old. sigh! you are not alone!
Haha I do that with change all the time in the shop! I don’t have a one year old but lots of people stress me out. When someone gives me cash, it takes me a second and I always question what is going on in my head. Should I be worried that as an adult I can’t make out change? But change is hard, okay? 🙂
I LOVE your honesty and your ability to use your blog as a platform to elevate our ‘conversation’ to things that are a bit deeper than pleated skirts. you are truly an inspiration. bravo.
Thank you for sharing your struggles. I also am dealing with depression and anxiety and know how hard it is to talk about. I’ve followed your blog for years and felt like it had changed in the last while – a little more distant. I’m glad to hear that you are getting the help you deserve.
You are truly inspirational! The things that you have struggled with is something that hits very close to home. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings. Being only 16, you have become someone who I look up to! You are such a strong and courageous person. Again, thank you so much for opening up to us!
Wow! Thank you for sharing. I hope that post was cathartic for you. A friend of mine shared this and, since I enjoy her blog, I thought I would check it out. Needless to say, I was on the edge of my seat the entire post. You sound like such a creative and talented young woman and I hope your journey with this disease/condition brings you to a better place. Much luck to you. I am sending prayers your way.
I spend a huge portion of my day reading blogs and writing my own. Yours is hands down my favorite. I can always depend on your blog to make me laugh, and I’ve been almost envious of your never-ceasing humor. But this made you “real,” and I respect and love (in a non-creepy way) that you did this. I’m cheering for you at the top of my lungs!
Kendi, I own a boutique in Myrtle Beach, SC and I have been a dedicated reader for about three years now–I honestly do not know how you do it! I too work seven days a week at the store and I’m lucky if I have enough time to wash my hair in the morning (curling is completely out of the question)–yet, you still manage to look amazing everyday! Being a control freak and being your own boss can create an everyday battle with yourself; never content with what you have and always aiming to improve, it’s stressful and it’s hard to take a step back and look at what you have. You should be incredibly proud of your accomplishment, you own a boutique (an adorable boutique) and that is HUGE!!
Most people don’t realize how much work goes into that, all the stress of having to go to market and pick out clothes months in advance, not knowing how customers will respond to them–or all the bills and stress that go along with the store: insurance, electricity, and paying that horrible sales tax! All they see is how fabulous your store is and how cute you look everyday. It’s okay to be sad and stressed and feel completely overwhelmed with life, especially when you already have the added pressure that you put on yourself by being a perfectionist! I TOTALLY understand. But you should know that while you may have your perfect vision of what you want Bloom to be (it may already be your dream store but if you are the over-achiever I am, I’m sure you have a “goal dream store”) Bloom is fantastic already and I have said to myself a thousand times “maybe one day my store will look like Bloom.” So from one control-freak-boutique-owner to another, you should take a step back and bask in what you’ve already accomplished, because it is absolutely something to be proud of!!
Thank you for sharing this little part of your life with us. You are an inspiration.
Hannah | gallery. Boutique
http://www.facebook.com/galleryboutique
http://www.shopgallerystyle.com
Cheering you on! Sending you light and love. This took courage and your courage rocks! Hang in there, it will get better and better.
Wow, Kendi. I’ve been following your blog for almost four years, and have always appreciated you for being positive and fun, but also for being real. Your posts have always been humorous, but with a bent toward being relatable in your personal fears and self-image. This can only add more depth for me and the rest of your readers. Thanks for being so brave and honest about what you’ve been through. We love the whole you – the style and the girl that wears it. That’s true beauty, cliche as it sounds.
Kendi – You are so brave to share your struggles with depression and anxiety. I’ve dealt with it my entire life, and I really believe that the more we can be open about depression, instead of hiding it, the easier the healing will be. I like to say my depression is in “remission.” In a way, it’s sort of like alcoholism in that it is a disease I will always have, and there’s always the possibility that it will come back. I think finding balance in our lives is key to keeping it in remission. I know that’s hard to do when you’re a smart, ambitious person–I used to be a total workaholic. I hope that you are able to find balance in your life.
I really recommend seeing a therapist in addition to going to your doctor. A therapist can help you work through your control issues and learn some coping techniques for handling your anxiety when you feel it coming on. They say that medication in combination with therapy is the best way to get rid of depression and keep it from coming back. Best of luck!
Oh, and by the way, I totally adore your blog. I haven’t found a single other fashion blog that can even bat an eye at yours.
Oh Kendi, I am so proud of you for sharing this. I rarely comment, but read your blog daily and love it. I too, write a blog (a interior design blog) and also went through a despression for some personal reasons just over a year ago. I had also suffered depression as a young adult, and feared it might come back. I actually stopped blogging for over 6 months, so I could get things back on track, and honestly, it helped. I now love the blog again, am doing much better and with the help of some good friends and family am doing fine. Not everyone understood what I went through (and I did lose a few friends in the process), but what mattered most to me, was my family and my good friends. Do what you need to do for YOU, and those people who matter will understand. The blog will always be here, the store will always be there, whats most important right now is YOU. Behind you all the way, a fan (and always will be!), Melissa 🙂
I’ve been reminded these days too that life isn’t about the perfect. I love following your blog and others about making a “perfect” home, pinning every style, decor, crafty thing I can imagine–but lately I’ve been feeling the overload of the surface things and a need for the deeper things of life to fill my mind. I am 37, a professor for 3 universities, I homeschool my 2 young daughters, and somehow try to keep it all together. I suffer from anxiety and have recently have had some panic attacks too. Not fun.
In the midst of that, I’ve found that I need to lean on what holds me together. To be reminded of the why instead of the what. And to slow down. Thank you for sharing your experience, as it hit me just right today. I’m not sure where you’re at with prayer, but I’ve found a lot of verses in the Bible and prayer in those moments just what I’ve needed to carry me through.
I wish you the very best!
Thank you Kendi. I’m a big fan of your blog, but I’ve always craved more from you. I often read your posts and think “I wish she said more. I wish I knew more about what she’s like.” You see, I read blogs not just to learn new things and get ideas, but to relate to people. I think all of your readers understand there is a real person behind the blog, and that is what we are looking for – REAL. I actually get annoyed when blogs try to present life or circumstances as perfect, because we ALL know it’s NOT. So let it all hang out, because that’s what we’re waiting for!! Very best wishes, and looking forward to knowing and learning more about the real Kendi. 🙂
That was really brave of you to share this piece of your life with us. I thank you for that. Sometimes we look at these blogs and envy what amazing lives you must lead. After awhile bloggers can become almost like idols we place on pedestals. Posts like these remind us that you too are humans and have your down times as well. Stress is never good and sometimes we just need to step back and take a break. Just remember why you’re working so hard and don’t forget to enjoy those small life moments. I gotta say I love your blog. Your sense of humour and sarcasm kills me. Keep up the good work girl!
Wow, you are getting a million comments a minute! 🙂 Thanks so much for your vunerability. You are so lovable! As I read this, the first thing that popped into my mind is this book that I’m reading right now, “One Thousand Gifts” by Ann Voskamp. I’m only a couple chapters into it, but it’s already changing my life. It’s kind of a Christian book, and I don’t know what your beliefs are, but, knowing your writing style and your zest for life, I think I you might love it like I do. And, don’t let the cheesy title/cover fool you 😉
Kendi – Thank you for sharing and being real. 🙂
I was also going to mention “One Thousand Gifts,” as Megan does above. It definitely is a push to pursue and acknowledge all of the GOOD that comes from above.
you. are. AWESOME.
praying for you from a far.
may God’s peace and love reach down into the deep parts of your heart and soul and comfort and repair.
Thank you so very much for speaking on this..I have been up and down since my Mom died in 2007. I have not shared with anyone outside my immediate family because it can be hard to talk about.Thank you again…Many people are cheering you on….
Kendi, I don’t follow you for your style or your clothes. Honestly, I could take ’em or leave ’em. I follow you for your candid, funny and smart self.
You capture what I admire about real life. Almost all other bloggers I follow have this veil through which their genuine nature hides. And the ones that put it at the forefront – well, it just feels feigned and forced. You strike that balance of the ordinary. And I mean that in a good way; normal and steady, ebbing and flowing. Life ebbs and flows.
Anxiety is one of the worst feelings – I had a conversation about it this very morning with my roommate. I would rather feel complete sadness because at least with sadness, there was a resolution. Anxiety doesn’t have any kind of resolution which leaves our minds to fill in the gaps – perpetually shifting scenarios and questioning everything. It’s a trap.
For what it’s worth, I am finding that the more I trim back in my life – in all areas – the less anxious I am. For example, I used to be clothing-obsessed up until a few years ago and I slowly ditched it. It was overwhelming and kept me from enjoying the day-to-day. Now, I follow folks like you and I pin. I thrift/shop every now and then and keep my closet to the essentials with routine purges. My life is fuller. I am not saying this is a one-size-fits-all solution but it’s my experience.
One of my favorite books – “The Road Less Traveled” by M. Scott Peck – opens with the line, “Life is difficult.” Even those that look like they’ve got it all figured out are struggling. It’s the great equalizer (aside from death, of course…and lines for the bathroom).
Kendi, I’m so terribly sorry that this is your struggle and your stretch of bumpy road but I know that you can come through. Lean on others, lean on yourself and keep writing those hard and clear things.
I can only imagine what dealing with something like this is like. I really admire you for sharing your story. I’m sure it’ll help a bunch of people dealing with the same thing, as well as shed light on it for those of us who aren’t. You’ve got so many supporters cheering you on, Kendi! Here’s to a clean slate!
What an inspiring post. I know many who suffer from similar conditions (anxiety, primarily) and have seen just how much it can effect your ability to truly be “you.” I think the wonderful thing about blog communities – at least for most of us – is that we LOVE “you” – whatever that might mean. I love your humor (and even this post had it, so it must be in there still) and your gorgeous expression of fashion. I think it’s wonderful (and refreshing) that you took the time to talk about such a hard time in your life. I’ve been doing a little blog soul-searching lately, also, and need to remember (you just helped!) that it’s not just about sales – or in my case “clicks” or “followers” – but that it’s about having an outlet to express your [beautiful] creativity. So bravo!
xo
seemogo.com
Thank you a million times over for this post. I’ve dealt with anxiety and panic attacks for years and was only recently able to get the courage to ask for help. Knowing that someone I look up to deals with the same problems makes it just a little bit easier. I hope you are surrounded by love right now. You deserve it. Thanks for being brave.
Amazing post!!! I love your blog and have been following it for quite some time. I LOVE your writing, you are quite talented!!! Your writing is a huge part of why I read your post! Your wit, sarcasm, honesty – I love it!!! Ever thought of writing? Check out some of Julia Cameron’s work, super helpful and healing for us creative people. Your healing process has begun!!!
…Trust me when I say I totally understand what you’re saying! I’ve struggled with depression, anxiety and severe hypochondria almost my entire life. Unfortunately, in my country (Romania), people who suffer form depression and seek medical help are often labelled as crazy or weird, so imagine what I’ve gone through as a teenager, not being able to share my problems with anyone my age… Fortunately, my parents have always been there for me (smart people), and took my hand and took me to the doctor’s office to get treated… It took several months of therapy and drugs to get me on my feet! I felt like I would never be able to have a normal life, yet here I am….Funny story, 5 years ago I had a panic attack while at the theater, I literally could’t feel my fingers anymore…so I got up and asked people to let me out of the theater hall, I was crying, felt life I couldn’t breathe …all actors on the stage stopped in the middle of the play. It was a wake up call. I knew I needed help!
Thank you for sharing! You’re a wonderful person and I’m sure you’ll be OK!
Hugs!
Mamalina
http://dresssidestory.blogspot.ro/
Thank you for this post. It’s so nice to know we aren’t alone, even if it doesn’t help much. I completely sympathize and it’s only in the last few weeks that I see myself actually coming out of it. It’s interested… I went to a concert Sunday night and the opener had a song about depression that I really empathized with, until he got to the chorus and began singing about returning to the man he used to be. But it isn’t a return to who I used to be. I think I’m coming out of this a better, stronger person, but it makes me wonder how long I’d been suffering with a milder version of what I went through in the last year.
Good luck and lots of love from a long time follower!
Thank you for sharing this, Kendi! I’ve been following your blog for about 2 years. Yours is the only style blog I follow – ironically, since we don’t have the same style. I think it is as much about the story and the great pictures as it is the clothes. You’re a great writer. This post was helpful for me because I have been dealing with many of the same feelings – throughout my life, but I constantly have that voice that says “get back up and go” – even though half the time I don’t even know where I’m “going” and certainly feel like “going”. Thank you again for all you do. I hope you continue to feel better!
Hang in there! We all love you!
I would first like to say what an inspiration you have been to me. I absolutely love fashion, yours especially, and hope to own my own store one day. But more than that I appreciate the truth you share. Although the cheerful and witty posts are always fun, it takes courage and strength to share with so many people what’s truly behind the funny posts and pretty clothes. While I love fashion, that’s not what life is all about. When you can take the clothes and really touch someone you don’t even know, that’s what liege is about. So I would like to say thank you. Thank you for touching me, someone you don’t even know, and I’m sure the many others who are following your journey as well.
This is powerful. Thank you for sharing and being authentic with your readers.
Thank you for being so brave! <3
Kendi, I’ve just picked up your blog in the last few weeks and here I sit, trying to keep face in this chaotic “perfect” life, red-faced and in tears. Thank you for sharing this, you are not alone. A lot of times I wonder how I can be so down, how I can feel so empty; I’ve got a wonderful life, my own small business, a supportive husband, an amazing family, and great friends. Yet I rarely stop to apperciate any of it, I just hurry around like a zombie. I’m really trying to stop and enjoy the small things; a cup of coffee on the porch in the morning, an evening walk with the hus, dinner with friends. But it is a struggle each and every day.
Depression and anxiety are issues that a lot of over-achievers in our generation deal with privately. We try so hard to juggle it all; when in reality, dropping a ball or two is probably for the best. I’m glad you wrote this, and I feel lucky to have read it.
I can totally relate to what you mean. It is really hard to share, online or with those around you, what you are going through if it isn’t pleasant for fear of judgment or bringing them down. I struggle with this too but my boyfriend has always said “if you can’t let those around you in, then they can’t begin to understand because they don’t know”. It is hard because you feel completely vulnerable to whatever reaction they can have, good or bad. If it’s good, great, but if it’s bad, you have no way to protect yourself. But that’s the risk you take in life, and, love you or hate you, you are you. No one else can do you better than you. Plus, I’ve found that more often than not, the ones around you instantly rally to support you once you let them.
You are incredibly brave for putting yourself out there like this and while I don’t know you, I believe in you. Keep up moving forward and, for the record, this is probably one of my favorite posts to date.
Lots of love from Oklahoma!
Thank you so much for sharing. To be honest, being the same age as you and seeing only the side of you that has it all together – it’s intimidating. I sometimes joke I’m in grad school to avoid making decisions about my future, but sometimes it’s more truth than joke. I can’t speak for anyone else, but I come here because you seem like an awesome, relatable person – and hearing (seeing?) you open up about all of you makes that even more true. Thank you for trusting us.
I feel your pain. Like you, my husband and I run and own a business together. Things can be hard. I’m constantly wondering if we have enough money, if bills have been paid, etc. It’s a constant struggle. I could’ve spent 24 hours a day/7 days a week at work. I finally started to relax when I got pregnant. It took me getting pregnant to realize that I couldn’t do it all and that i had to relinquish control. I think it’s admirable that you wrote this on your blog. You have nothing to be ashamed of. It’s actually refreshing. I read many blogs and constantly compare myself to these individuals that I live vicariously through. In their pictures they are always so happy and their clothes are perfect and their kids are perfect, blah, blah, blah. What I forget is that they are people too and they have problems and bad days too. It may not be apparent in their photo’s but it’s real life! I’m glad you are getting help and wish you nothing but the best!
Reading your story gives me a lot of hope. I suffer from pretty severe anxiety, and I have let it take control of my life. I moved to a new city and, rather than throwing myself into it and meeting new people, I’ve become a shut-in. I go to work (and shopping of course), but that is about it. Seeing how many great things you’ve brought into your life, despite your depression, gives me hope that I can do the same. Thanks for sharing, and I wish you the best.
Mj —
I don’t think we realize how much stress it puts on us to move to a new city and start a new job. That’s a lot of stress, but it’s like we just accept it as life now and keep moving forward. It took me a good 18 months (so like until right now) to get used to our new town and get used to our new schedule and job. For me at least, my anxiety stems from stress and I didn’t let myself deal with stress, so the anxiety grew.
Be patient and stay strong. Enjoy your life, even if it’s just something small at first. You’re in my thoughts.
Thank you for being brave enough to share. And I expect you’ll find a lot of comments like this one, which is that I have also had plenty of hard struggles with anxiety and depression at various points in my life.
Working harder than everyone else is a curse sometimes, because it makes you feel guilty when you need a break, when you can’t keep up that pace any more.
However! Don’t feel guilty. You haven’t failed. Give yourself permission to slow down. It will get better. You’re not alone. Lots of us empathize, we think you’re awesome, and we’re definitely not going away just because the blog isn’t always rainbows and sunshine and pretty clothes:)
Thank you so much for sharing. I read a few fashion blogs and I’ve always thought that the writers seem to have these perfect lives, all wrapped up in a bow, young and beautiful and perfect, and though on one hand it’s inspiring, it often makes me feel like my life isn’t good enough – like I’m not good enough. Sharing something so real and hard makes you so incredibly human to me, and it makes me feel a little bit better about my own anxiety/imperfections as well. I will continue to be a faithful reader – thank you for being so brave, for sharing your heart. I am so glad you are on the road to recovery. Keep looking for the light!
Kendi, so thankful for your honesty. As someone who also struggles with depression and anxiety, I completely relate to your suffering as well as to the difficulty in sharing. Sometimes it seems easier to put on a happy face for everyone else, but ultimately that’s just unfair to yourself. I pray for better days (or even just better moments) ahead.
So I never commented, but since I discovered your blog a year ago, I read it all. Your blog is awesome not just your style, but your comments too. It’s YOU that makes this blog so fun to read. Keep being you! Wish you the best from Argentina.
you sweet brave girl.
so proud of you for being honest. i think deep down that is what we all crave. those honest, true relationships. the good the bad the ugly. praying for you.
xo
I hate that you’re going through that horrible thing so many of us know all too well. But I love that you wrote so honestly about it. Depression is a bitch and one of the worst things about it is the manipulation. It shames you, consumes you, and fills you with doubt. But you’re right, it works in the shadows of the night and in the quiet corners of your heart. Stepping forward and forcing it into the light is the strongest move you can make. I’m proud of you and so grateful.
Sending you love and light…. thanks for being a part of my daily routine that I always look forward to.
Oh goodness. This breaks my heart for you. But can I say BRAVO for getting this out there?! And in such a beautiful way! From the quote to the words you chose to write… it was all very real, raw and so well written. Thank you for sharing and may you continue to heal. And relax. And find your happy place. I pray you will.
So brave in being honest. Good luck and God speed in your journey
Kendi, your post was beautiful…and you are so brave and honest, that I find it really inspiring! I also struggle with balancing ambition with dissatisfaction and finding happiness in satisfaction while still wanting so much more. I have to remind myself every day to step back, breathe, and be thankful. I’m so glad to hear that you are feeling better and hopeful that soon, you won’t see any shadows at all. You are an amazing person and a wonderful writer…and as much as I love your clothes and fashion, I do come to this blog for YOU. Thanks for sharing and wiping the slate clean. Can’t wait to move forward together!
XOXO
http://www.butshoppingmakesmehappy.blogspot.com
thank you for sharing this side of your life. i understand that it definitely wasn’t easy but I’d like you to know that you’ve touched my heart. I rarely ever post comments but I thoroughly enjoy reading your blogs to be honest you’re the only fashion blog who’s writing i bother reading! and Your words today have given me a new purpose I’ve been battling inner demons and struggling with constantly bettering myself and my life with no success! and “your little engine that could” attitude despite of struggling has given me new hope and a new drive. I want you to realize that as a reader I cherish your words and I for one am so incredibly proud of not only what you’ve achieved in the last 5 years but also proud of you for speaking out about your struggle. Its inspiring and I pray for you to not be bogged down with the inner turmoil that resides in each of us. I wish you the best of luck and most importantly I wish you good health, prosperity and buckets of happiness! 🙂 thank you once again for sharing more of your not so perfect life and giving the rest of us some new found hope and a closer look at who you are a person.
Love,
Trishna
I just started to write a whole comment to this post but it was more like rambling than a nicely composed comment. So I’m starting over again 😀
I think you are very very brave to share this with all of your followers! And I would like to thank you for doing so, you were an inspiration to me and you still are. I always have to smile when I read your ironic-not-taking-yourself-all-to-seriously-posts and I had no idea that you have been going through such dark times.
But the fact that you do, and the fact that you are so brave to share it with all of us is really inspiring.
I don’t really know what’s a good thing to say to end this comment so I hope this next line is ok:
I hope you find the strength to get through this. But if you are having a hard time with it, think about all of us, your supporting readers. Think about your husband, your mother and everyone else who loves you. But right now, just think about yourself and what you need. Everyone else can wait.
x Evi
I thank you so much for this post. I appreciate your honesty, putting yourself out there and sharing something so personal. What I love most about blogs are getting to know the people behind all the pretty pictures so thank you for giving us both.
– Jaime
Thank you for being honest, bare, and candid. This post hit so close to home for me. Currently the darkness is taking over for me and last week after crying daily I’ve decided it’s time to seek help.
Anxiety and depression are tough hurdles to jump. Especially when they’re stacked on top of each other. I wish you nothing but the best as you get help.
The only person you have to impress is yourself; you’ve already impressed everyone else.
Thank you for sharing this Kendi. A lot of the blogosphere is all sunshine and glitter and when posts come out on “real” feelings they are often overbearing and exaggerated. You’ve written a beautiful piece and the fact that you did it today meant that you’ve turned a proverbial corner… you still have mountains to climb but that’s life. Take a deep breath and take pride in what you’ve accomplished today. I love Kendi Everyday for the clothes but I admire your life! I’m looking forward to getting to know you better.
Kendi thank you for your tender vulnerability. Your blog is a huge part of my life, and I’m thankful to have met you. It was on my bucket list 😉 You are so warm and inviting, and sharing this on your blog makes you even more so. You’ll be in my thoughts and prayers as you take time to heal.
Kendi thank you so much for writing this. I am a blogger and I too have struggled with depression. I started my blog as a way out of my depression. I had my first bout of it when I was 19 and then again a few years ago at 30. I wish more people talked about depression – since I truly think it is something more people suffer from than is known. There is still a bit of shame and stigma to it that needs to be done away with. Thank you for being so honest and open about it.
Thanks for sharing, Kendi. As much as I come here for your amazing, creative outfits, I do come to hear your voice and little stories. Hang in there. Sounds like you’re headed on the right path.
Kendie, Thank you for sharing your experience with us. As someone who suffers from anxiety and panic attacks, I know how hard it can be to put those feelings into words or share with large groups of people. Despite the pain you have been feeling, your blog has continued to be a fun, happy, light place to visit daily. Sending you smiles!
Thank you for sharing this, Kendi!! Your honesty and vulnerability is encouraging to me and all of the other women out there who have been down the road of depression.
Thankful for your willingness to open up here on the blog. Praying for you as you move forward with the store, with life and with overcoming the darkness that keeps creeping in.
Kendi, your post brought tears to my eyes. I look forward to your posts, saving them for a treat to myself every afternoon when I put my two toddlers down to nap. You are my friend, even though we are strangers. Thank you for your honesty. I hope the sky clears soon, sweet girl. Sending you love…
Thank you. I think so often depression and anxiety are met with eye-rolls and sort of a “just be happy” type response because people don’t often understand how very real it is and how much it can effect your daily life. So much of what you said rang true to my own struggles and I think you should be ridiculously proud of yourself for your honesty and bravery.
You’re absolutely right about dissatification vs. ambition-I’m pretty sure I have been fighting this same battle for the past few months!
I absolutely love your blog-fashion or no fashion. I hope you feel like you can achieve your clean slate (or at least just a little bit) and keep moving forward 🙂
Thank you for sharing your story Kendi, you are an inspirational, talented and strong woman. Sharing your story only make you stronger. Love you and Hugs. Feel better.
There is something profoundly comforting in reading something that I could have written about myself in such a public forum. I am always sad that other people suffer in the same way that I have, but glad when people are willing to be open about it, so that we do not all need to feel quite so alone. Thank you for your honesty, and I hope that you are able to be gentle with yourself in the way that so often eludes us.
Thank you for sharing, you really are amazing and I wish you well xx
Thank you so much for sharing. I know how scary it can be to tell people about the not so shiny things in your life. If something negative happens in my life, I don’t talk about to anyone (excluding my husband.) It’s as though by not sharing, I can pretend it’s not real. I also had my first panic attack this year, on the bus on the way to work, worrying over blood clots (and I am an obscenely healthy, 29 year old.) It was terrifying, I thought I was having a stroke as everything grew hazy and my heart was racing and I felt ice cold. All I could think was I have to get off this bus. There is so much pressure on young women to be successful, beautiful, driven, happy, and uncomplaining. I think we are afraid for others to see us as anything less. We know we are not perfect, but we are all striving for perfection.
Hi Kendi, I always read your blog but hardly ever comment – well I think this time is special… every time I check your pages with my friends it always strucks me how positive and joyful and light your attitude is. I love fashion and I have often held back from the idea of opening/trying a blog at the thought ‘no, I’m not that kind of person, I’m too ‘heavy’, obscure, gloomy.’ Now I ‘see’ this side of you and it makes me think …we are all alike, and we all have to abide with the idea this is a normal part of life, and a part of creative and sensitive people especially. You have these wonderful gifts of creativity and you will find a better balance, in a way that will always help you not destroy, but live with your dark side. Sometimes I think of that great quote by Joni Mitchell “chase away the demons, and they will take the angels with them” and it gives me the strenght to keep going. And don’t you see how many wonderful friends you have around you?
Cheers from Italy
Just wanted to share an e-hug. Thank you for sharing and we’re all thinking of you.
We love you, Kendi.
This took a lot of courage. I’m proud of you! Trust that your story is helping so many others who are in the same boat. Cheers to your bravery, Kendi!
This is a beautiful, authentic post. Thank you for sharing with us and being real. I just read a great quote by a recovering alcoholic that said “the greatest shock of my life was to discover that the exposure of the very secret I thought would kill me brought me the greatest relief. It turns out that when you give up on looking good, no one can make you feel bad.”-Heather Kopp
It takes courage to be honest and real. You and your husband will be in my prayers. Take all the time you need:)
That is an excellent quote. I’m stealing that one from you. Hope you don’t mind!
Thank you for sharing your life. I’m glad you are feeling better and I hope you get to wherever you want to be.
I really, really admire the openness and honesty of this post. Reading it is kind of like being in my own head–I also suffer from depression and panic attacks, though I think I’ve finally gotten both under control. I blog about it sometimes, too–usually just before or just after a little mini-break from my blog.
Happiness may be a choice, but depression tends to take that choice away sometimes. It’s important to remember that, otherwise you’ll just beat yourself up for feeling bad.
I’m glad to hear you’ve gone to the doctor. Medication sucks, I know, but sometimes it’s the best option. Sometimes it’s the only option. Go easy on yourself, even if it means taking a few days off from the blog! We’ll all be here when you get back, I promise.
Thank you for sharing & being honest. I’m sure that was really tough to write! there are a lot of us that relate. and you opening up means a ton to us. so thank you.
very courageous of you to post this Kendi, kudos. thanks for sharing. brighter days ahead!
Thanks for sharing Kendi! Know that you aren’t alone in your struggles and challenges. I’m so glad you are getting help, speaking to a professional will only help and give you insight into coping techniques and new ways of thinking.
I love reading your blog and the quirkiness you provide. This post was especially moving, so know that we readers love all the content you provide. No matter how deep or lighthearted it is.
xoDonna
http://www.soyouagree.com
what a brave, honest, and beautiful post. thank you for sharing! i admire you more than ever.
and you’re still funny:)
sweetheart, i don’t know you personally, but i love you already, and this makes me love you even more.
“I’ve confused ambition with dissatisfaction” – man, if that’s not a mistake i’ve been making too. thanks for putting these thoughts into words.
wishing you a ton of love and support, j
Thank you for sharing. Your story hits close to home. And style blog or not, hearing the real life experiences lying under, over and in between the fab looks, makes you real and even more likeable.
Long time reader, first time commenter – this makes me love you even more, Kendi!
Thanks for sharing the rain. It helps others see the rainbow + the sun and at some point you will again, as well.
As someone who knows what it’s like to hide something dark for most of my life, I am so grateful that you took a chance and shared this with the world. I have been following your blog for a while now because I love your unique voice and style. This reminded me that, in a world where so much can be left virtual and superficial, there is a real person typing those words and posing in those pictures. And look at the response you’ve gotten — currently over 200 comments from so many of your readers who admire your bravery, love what you do, and relate to what you’re going through.
One thing I feel the need to say: You said that you’ve hated the idea that “happiness is a choice” because it means that you are responsible for it rather than your environment. You’re right, that’s scary as all get out. But it also gives you huge power. We can’t always control what happens in our life, including illness both mental and physical. But we CAN control what we do with it. You might find that by taking this leap and others in the future that your happiness is made all the richer by the fact that YOU took control of it. Even if it’s just a “little” thing, like smiling through your tears. That didn’t happen because of the sun or trees or anyone else — YOU did that. YOU smiled. YOU chose joy. Give yourself permission to own that.
Thank you again. I hope you and yours stayed safe during the storms last night. Blessings.
It took a lot of guts to share this. Thank you.
thank you for sharing. I think many of us can commiserate with you. I know you know that stress can be the root of so many physical and emotional turmoils. I am glad that you are seeking help for your depression.
Hi Kendi,
Thank you for being so honest and open with this hard time in your life. I have suffered from depression off and on for the last 10 years and have had to be on medication for most of those years. For the first year and a half I kept my depression to myself as I sunk deeper and deeper into a black hole within myself. Finally realizing to get help was the first step to getting my life and my soul back. While everyone’s experience with depression is different I can say that at least a little bit, I know how you feel, and what you are going through, and please know that you are loved and you have so much support from people you have never met. First be true to yourself, do and say what feels right, when it feels right and everything else will follow. I hope that you feel better soon and that your soul will be smiling in no time. Best wishes. xoxox
Christine
it takes a lot of courage to share what you just shared, in such a public space. so, thank you. i admire you for sharing and taking the steps you need to feel better. good for you. you have a lot of people rooting for you, so just know that.
Wonderfully said. Brave and true. And probably exactly what I needed to read as I face my own health challenge. Good for you for taking care of yourself and know I’m cheering for you my own little corner of the world.
I too have a relationship with anxiety. So much so it became debilitating. Of course I hid it from the world. But once I spoke out I realized that there are so many of us that suffer from depression and anxiety. So many of us that feel shame in what is happening to us. But I realize that I am actually a stronger person for speaking out than staying silent and acting as if my life is perfect. So bravo to you for speaking out on your public forum and sharing your story. Every time I hear someone else’s story I take comfort in knowing I am not the only one who struggles and things do get better.
I genuinely admire your courage and will continue to read your blog…be it about life, style and everything in between. Cheesy, but leaving a quote feels appropriate. Here’s to taking a step forward:
“If you don’t go after what you want, you’ll never have it. If you don’t ask, the answer is always no. If you don’t step forward, you’re always in the same place.”
–Nora Roberts, American author
I really appreciate your honesty in this post and even if you encourage one person who struggles with the same feelings to share with others in their life to get help, it was worth it.
Thank you!
My favourite thing on the internet today. I love your outfits – but I love your authenticity even more.
Oh Kendi… Kudos to you for finally finding the courage to share this. And I’m glad things seem to be on an upswing and hope they continue to be that way. All of my favorite blogs share the sunshine along with the rain, thank you for finally sharing the rain with us again. We’re here for you! (As silly as that sounds 🙂 )
I understand very much what you are going through. As a young person there is a sigma about depression and anxiety. I have been dealing with it for many years. People don’t know I’m on medication for my panic attacks and depression. When they find out they are always so surprised and say “but you seem to have everything so put together” Sometimes how we look on the outside doesn’t reflect us inside at all.
Thank you for sharing your story. I am so glad that you are feeling better. You are a strong a beautiful person. Peace be with you.
Thanks for sharing this stuff with us. I’m ashamed to admit it but I have occasionally used your “perfect” body/life to shame myself for not having it “together” or told myself that if I can manage to lose weight and have cute outfits I will be as happy and cute as you are. It is good to know you are human and to understand why sometimes your posts rang a little hollow and the cheerfulness sounded a little forced. I’m not happy you are sad, I’m happy you are the multidimensional gal I wish I could be friends with in real life after all. Here’s to letting the secrets out and letting the light in. Here’s to you finding out that we are here for YOU. 🙂
Thank you for sharing and opening up – That is what good friends do- thanks for being a good friend to all of us. Its great that you are taking care of you first- the rest just seems to fall into place after that. All the best to you – Know that you are supported and loved!
I repeatedly come back to your blog primarily for your story, because it’s such a treat when you let us in. It seems like you’ve dipped your toes in the water of writing this post a few times over the last year and a half, but I now see that you weren’t ready to reveal all. That’s perfectly okay! This is your journey, and we’re just here to support you. I know exactly what anxiety and panic attacks feel like. Finding coping skills of the non-wine and French fry variety are scary and tough, but will ultimately help you. Thank you for sharing with us, Kendi!
Long time reader but first time commenter. I wanted to say thank you, and I understand. Your struggles are different, yet I can very much relate. I too go through panic attacks and then don’t want to leave the house for awhile. I am so glad you shared this because I believe it will be the first step on the path to healing.
Hey Kendi, long, long time reader here, and I’m so happy that you’ve decided to open up, if it’s what you needed.
I guess it might be because I’m nosy, or curious, or just interested in others (or a loser), but I love hearing about the personal lives of bloggers. When I find a new blog, I scour it for hints on their lives, children, birthdays (not a stalker, I swear, it’s what I like reading about), and you have, as you said, little by little left less and less of theses snippets. All this to say, I’m glad that you could tell us what’s really going on, and that you feel safe enough to do it here.
Also, as a fellow shadow dweller who does her best not to show it most of the time, thank you.
OH GOD YOU BASICALLY JUST OUTLINED SO MUCH OF WHAT IS CURRENTLY IN MY HEAD. I struggle with anxiety and (mostly) seasonal depression and, like you appear to do, I hide that online under a cover of snark and jokes and make sure not to mention my problems (because who would want to hear them?!). I’m so glad you wrote this post – it was so brave of you to do. It’s so encouraging to hear that others whom I admire struggle with the same things I do.
xo
Shay Lianna
myconfidenceandme.com
What a riveting read! You’re right – it’s not always about
the clothes, it’s about the shared experiences; the communion.
Thank you for sharing
Hi Kendi! First time commenter here. You are so brave my dear. I commend you for putting yourself out there (which is not an easy thing to do). Thank you so much for sharing this with us. This right here makes you more human. And you know what….this is life. It’s not always rainbows and sunshine. People struggle. People face hardships. People go through depression, anxiety, panic attacks, phobias, fears, etc. And it’s ok. It’s part of being a human. No one is perfect and everyone faces obstacles in some way and some point in their lives. I’m sure you have touched and inspired so many people with your story. Good for you Kendi! P.S. All I can say is this too shall pass:)! Rita @ http://www.CoastWithMe.com
kendi,
if I replaced kendi in this blog post with jade, I’d be right there with you. i launched a new start-up and got married all in the same month. So many positive things but i was nervous, anxious, terrified about every little thing. it seemed like i wasn’t doing enough even though i was working all the time. slowly it got better- it’s still getting better.
also, my husband calls it a “hoodie day” when I don’t want to get out of bed or feeling depressed. (i’m pretty sure there was an entire year that was hoodie day- but i also watched endless episodes of Law and Order SVU and that might have had something to do with it too) he tries to make it funny to lighten the mood and sometimes it works. i think just acknowledging it out loud makes the road to feeling better easier. I’m sure if you had a hoodie day, it’d be the cutest hoodie available. (mine was a dashboard confessional one.- yeah.) Take care.
That was very courageous Kendi. Thank you for sharing your heart with us.
Thank you for sharing this, Kendi. You may not view it this way, what you just did in this post is called courage. I’m sure it wasn’t easy and might even feel weird for a time after, but you are better for having done it, and you are brave for having done it. Your experience can only shine light on something that is usually kept in the dark, and your readers are all better for it. You must know we are all rooting for you and wish you well.
Awesome post! I can relate to the middle of the night panic attacks. Pretty overwhelming.
Thanks for your insight and clarity.
Thank you, thank you, thank you. Just, thank you. From someone who has suffered with anxiety and bouts of depression for a very long time. Your transparency is a beautiful thing and has made me feel even less alone. I know how suffocating the darkness can be and it’s really hindered my blogging, because it’s so hard to be lighthearted when the darkness feels so thick. I am amazed at how you were able to stay positive on here, but thank you for sharing so much. I know it wasn’t easy, but I hope you feel some sort of relief from sharing this. I’m sticking around no matter what direction the blog takes.
Sorry to hear of your struggles. I call the people on the blogs I read (fitness, style, celebrities) The Shiny People – normally blond, smiling, successful, pretty, etc. I have struggled a lot lately too. Then I stop and think about the people who see my Facebook page and they would call me one of The Shiny People. I was suicial over my teenage son’s problems but thought of the impact it would have on my teenage daughter and started praying instead. I still have bad days but more good ones right now. I am blessed. Good luck.
Wow Kendi, I feel so bad for you going through this. I have pretty much always been a positive person. When Mum died I went into auto pilot, crying on my own or just with my husband. I hated the negativity from work colleagues when all I wanted to scream was ‘I just lost my Mother, get over yourselves’ while all the while smiling. But I have had one major panic attack and once was enough so I feel for you having had more than one. I don’t know if happiness is a choice, but I think you just have to pause, look around and try to remember what is good in your life. There is always something, even if it is small.
I came here for the clothes, I love the way you put things together and you are such an attractive lady, it’s become one of my favourites and I now enjoy reading all your have written alongside the stylish outfits.
I hope and trust that in time you will feel better and happier in your life. Lots of love xxx
Thank you for sharing! I’ve always hated that phrase “happiness is a choice too”…my parents used to drill that into me growing up. But I like your perspective of it being a choice to be present and thankful in whatever our current situation is! I can relate with keeping busy to mask how I’m really feeling and not letting anyone else know what’s up. I recently got married to a man with a 12 yr old daughter (I’m 30) and have been having a reeeeeaalllly hard time with it! Feeling like I should be in the “honeymoon stage”, but somehow feeling like that chapter was skipped?! Keeping busy and acting like nothing has changed has been my hiding place, my car with music blaring, tears streaming down has been my refuge! Your courage is inspiring and your story resonates with all of us! Thank you for sharing! I look forward to your posts daily no matter what they’re about, it’s fun sharing this gift called life with complete strangers and not feeling like a creepy stalker, but a good neighbor! 🙂
SO glad and proud of you for writing this! Being open and honest is so hard and something that I continue to struggle with doing in life. I’ve been following your blog off and on for a long time now (that humor of yours definitely had something to do with it!) and can’t wait to read more now that you’ve posted this post. Not in weird way, but in a I-love-how-real-you-are kind of way.
And it’s kinda funny, I just wrote another post about choosing joy and have read a few other blogger’s thoughts on the same thing this morning. It must be in the blog water or something! 🙂
You are so brave to put this out there. I have struggled with this same issue for years. Sometimes it gets so debilitating it eclipses everything else in life. Thank you for sharing this — it’s something I’ve never personally felt comfortable enough to do. I am so sorry you’re feeling this way. It helped me to just accept it as part of my life, of who I am, and to treat it as best I can with medical help.
Thanks you. I have dealt with depression in some form or another since I was 12. Thank you for giving a face and a voice to this struggle. Please never just “shut up and wear the clothes”. You’re so much more.
Thank you so much for this post and your open honesty!
As a twenty year old who had her first panic attack in December and have struggled so much with embarrassment, fear, loneliness, and the crushing worries of future attacks, it is very calming to read your story. Not that I am at all glad you are struggling with this, but that it’s real life to experience anxiety and depression, and it doesn’t make you less of a person or life any less good.
Not what I would have guessed at all, but can totally imagine. I am more proud to read your blog than ever. Most of the creative and inspiring things in life come from the gray hues. I salute you and the silver lining you have found. Once you open your life up to the possibilities, the more happiness and fulfillment you will find. Lastly, you are so young!! You have done so much, take some time, pat yourself on the back and SMILE! YOU GO GIRL! I will continue to be back everyday, with zero pressure or expectation other than intrigue. Cheers, Dee
Kendi, thanks for sharing all of that! As a fellow blogger, I know how challenging it is to open up to your reader friends (I haven’t really found the balance myself). Please know that opening a store and having a blog and doing everything that you are is such an amazing thing! You are funny, sweet, beautiful, and have great fashion sense and depression doesn’t define any of that. 🙂 You will find your balance in managing it all. I support you and encourage you! Nothing like starting with a clean slate! 🙂
I’m so glad you shared this post. As someone who has also struggled with anxiety, depression and panic attacks, I recognize the courage needed to publish your thoughts to a wide audience. I firmly believe the more open people are about their struggles, the easier it will be for us all to come out of the shadows.
You are never alone in this. We all love you… if you complain while you share your clothes, so be it. 😉 Everyone struggles. I’m going to share one of my favorite pins with you… http://pinterest.com/pin/128071183125930961/ “A smooth sea never made a skilled sailor.”
Thank you for speaking so openly about this topic. It is only taboo because we struggle to have the courage you did today. My parents both struggled with mental illness, and I have always struggled with anxiety– I know the terrain well. I find that hearing someone else’s story acts like a flashlight or a lightening bug on the way. We are better together!
Kendi, thank you for sharing your story. I read a few fashion blogs and your is by far my favorite. Your outfits, style and quirky writing make it a blog I come back to over and over. I also love that you seem real and down to earth, and this post confirms it. I am a 28 year old career girl and I struggle with panic disorder which gave way to depression. My anxiety last year was debilitating and awful…until I saw a counselor and a doctor. I am feeling so much better now and have learned a lot about how to heal and take care of myself. Do what’s best for you, and sending warm thoughts of healing as you start fresh. xo
Aw, Kendi! I’m so sorry for the rough patch you’ve been going through. Thank you for writing this post. It’s so, so hard to write about personal things and put them out there for everyone to see. You’re very brave to be so honest, and I admire that a lot! I have always loved reading your posts, and I think I will love them even more now knowing how real and honest you are. Bravo!
Kendi- As someone who reads your blog everyday, and also as a 24-year old who frequently has panic attacks thinking about the next big steps in my life, I am so grateful for your honesty and opening up to all of us. I don’t just read your blog for the outfits (while they are amazing), I read it because you seem real and genuine. I am sending lots of love to you from Indiana!
-Kate
I appreciate you showing so much of your heart to us – we do want to hear about your life, the good and the bad. My prayers will be with you!
Thank you for sharing
My 21 yr old son came home from college in Feb due to a deep depression. He is getting medical treatment, but it is a long, slow road to recovery
My heart goes out to you and I hope that you find the exact treatment you need.
Brett
Thanks for sharing, Kendi. I have been reading your blog for a couple years and love everything about it. I’m so glad you took some time to tell us about your life because you are right, I do come here for more than just the outfits! Hope you know how much we love you and your blog, you have a huge support system here in this virtual world.
This was lovely, Kendi, and in a way, inspiring. I can only speak for myself but even though I found your blog because of the clothes, I stick around because of the writing. (I’ve actually stopped looking at most of the other style blogs I used to follow. Gets very boring after a while.) This type of community space is so much more fun and life-giving when it feels like you are a person and not a mannequin.
Not sure if you’ve heard of Brene Brown, but I really recommend reading “I thought it was just me (but it isn’t.)” It’s absolutely brilliant and I think it could really speak into what you’re feeling right now.
I believe we were all created by a God who wants our hearts, not our success stories. Bloom and this blog are beautiful and wonderful but as long as you know how to love, you have everything. Hang in there.
Kendi, I hope you feel embraced, encouraged, supported and accepted by this online community you’ve created and that we all enjoy. Life is real and gritty. it’s also beautiful and lovely. it’s everything. it challenges us, our emotions, our relationships, our contentedness daily. what you’ve written about above speaks to the true human condition. one we all deal with, or have dealt with. I for one, love checking in on your blog. smiling at your write-ups and enjoying your beautiful pictures. and I’ll love it just the same (more even!), if I know I can continue to contribute to an honest conversation about where you and all of us are at. panic attacks happen, depression is real, life can be overwhelming. but there are tremendous people in this world, and magnificent relationships to be forged and maintained. relationships we can rely on and confide in to help us navigate the stormier seasons of our life. I applaud you for writing straight from your heart today. you are cherished by this community and I know we all resonate with what you’ve shared. love knowing we’re all here to lift each other up!
Kendi,
I’m so proud and thankful that you shared this with us. I can’t even begin to imagine how difficult it was, realizing and accepting depression for yourself is hard enough, there are many people who struggle with that alone, actually accepting and essentially telling the world that you have this problem is gut-crushing. So for that, I truly do admire you. It takes a strong person to open up about something that is so personal and close to the heart.
Life isn’t always sunshine and butterflies, there are struggles and heartaches, and with a lot of blogs out there today (especially our beloved fashion/style blogs) it’s all about the pretty things – which is great, but sometimes it can ring a little hollow, be redundant, and lose all sense of “real life”.
So again, I say thank you for sharing, as this made you more real and inspiring to me than any pretty picture or amazing outfit you put together.
Though don’t get me wrong, I will still be coming here for some awesome style inspiration and closet envy 😉
Where ever life may take you from here on out I support you 100%.
Ashlei
p.s. sorry to write my own blog post in your comment section 😀
Kendi. You are not alone. I struggle with depression and anxiety. And when I finally asked for help, it felt so good. There is light. I promise. We are with you.
Hi Kendi,
I’ve been reading you for a while now but never commented – just wanted to say it must have been really hard for you to write this, but so brave – thank you.
You aren’t the only one, I’m currently off work with stress and anxiety, and have had panic attacks and taken medication for them before. I felt like I have been going backwards lately, having it all happen again, but I’m working through it, and it helps to hear how other people feel and their similar experiences.
Good luck, and keep going. x
I really admire you for sharing this. Thank you for being so open and honest about something which is obviously difficult for you to share. I, for one, am more than happy to share the good and the bad in your journey.
While I do not [currently] have depression, you have helped me feel less alone in my struggles.
WIshing you the very, very best <3
You are so strong and amazing for sharing this, I know I run into some of the same things and it made me have to stop and find myself. I think I went weeks not blogging and I wish I had just opened up but fear won. So I applaud you for opening it up! You are amazing strong beautiful. Get better, I am here with you like everyone else who have commented on this blog has said they are!
Thank you so much for sharing. I have a small blog and have felt crushed by the pressures of the “perfect blogworld” everyone seems to live in where everything is flowers and cute babes and perfect, easy DIYs. I also suffer from anxiety and after antidepressants didn’t completely alleviate it, The Calm Clinic has changed my life, I highly recommend exploring their website.
Thank you for sharing this side of your life with us! I’ve been a loyal reader for quite a while, and I promise, this just reinforces the idea I already had of you through the blog, a strong, beautiful woman who shares her life with us readers. You haven’t scared me off or alienated me by sharing, instead you’ve bared your soul, and I want to stick by you, keep reading, and show you the support you need. Sending love and prayers your way!
I’ve been following your blog for about 4 years now, as well as several other style blogs, and yours is the only one that I still consistently read instead of just scrolling through the pretty pictures.
There’s so much more to a GOOD style blog than just pretty pictures and facades of a seemingly perfect life. It’s the content of your blog (in addition to the pretty pictures :D) that keeps me coming back to your blog, reading, and engaging in the things you post.
I wish you luck on your journey to rediscovering your happiness. I say “rediscovering” instead of “finding” because I’m willing to bet that you haven’t lost it, but perhaps just can’t see it in all the shadows.
I’ve never come here for the clothes. I come here because I admire the very bold way you’ve chosen to have the life that you want and even though yes, that will always come with its share of good days and bad days and yes, even though nobody’s blog self ever truly matches their inner self….you ARE living boldly and I know (as do you) that there is much to be grateful for. Keep on!
Thank you for your honesty. One thing about social media, is that for the most part everyone seems put on the happy face and all is right with the world. Then when I feel so out of sync I sometimes wonder what’s wrong with me. I’ve had to back off of twitter especially, because those 140 bites are a little too much sweet for normal life most days.
I, too, sometimes struggle with the dark times. Not the anxiety attacks, but depression that seems too elusive to understand or tame.
I will keep you in my prayers.
I’m usually a lurker here, but I wanted to post this time.
You have my total empathy.
I suffer from, at times, debilitating anxiety and panic attacks. The first one I had was so terrible that I ended up in the ER thinking I was having a heart attack. This has unfortunately gotten worse as I’ve gotten older.
I turned to shopping to alleviate my constant anxiety. At first, it worked. Then I started to overspend and it’s become a cycle of buying items to lift anxiety which causes new anxiety which causes me to buy more to lift that, and round and round we go.
I’ve surrendered my credit cards, after I maxed them out, and all money control over to my husband. It cannot go on. I’m jeopardizing our future as a family and more important the future well-being of my toddler for clothing I don’t care about once I obtain it.
I’m currently in therapy exploring the possibility of General Anxiety Disorder as well as Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder (different from OCD). I’m also on a low dose of Paxil everyday as well as Xanax and Valium if/when I need it ( at my request. I don’t view medication as an answer to issues like this, but more as a tool to help healing). I feel better in general, though some days are better than others. A lot of my problems come from the fact that I live a happy life that I love, but I have a need to control everything and there is a simmering pot of panic constantly bubbling under the surface of my life and I simply don’t understand it.
I’m not suggesting that you use medications or that you need therapy. But, talking to somebody that is not really involved in my life, that can step back and look at things objectively when I cannot, has helped me entertain issues from new angles.
I suspect that that is what you meant when you said you’ve been talking to a doctor.
I wish you the best of luck and I help you can get beyond yourself, or at lease be content. Because I think that that is what anxiety is, a general discontent with, well, _something_.
Thank you for posting this, I think you’re brave for doing so. Even in a slowly evolving society, any sort of mental issue is usually viewed as a weakness when it in fact is not.
Hi Kendi,
I have been reading your blog for quite a while also, but this is my first comment. I have had similar spells with anxiety and depression throughout my life and remember being so embarrassed when a few years ago I took a couple of weeks off work so I could see a doctor and get things handled enough so that I could function again. It is so brave of you to write this post and let the rest of us know that we are not alone, so I am telling you, you are NOT alone. Don’t be scared or embarrassed for speaking out – authenticity is important. Be the best version of you, but be YOU. You will get through this. It will get better. And all the people you share you life with will still be there when you do.
kendi, this is beautiful! i’ve been reading your blog for a while now and think you’re funny, gorgeous, fantastically dressed, amazingly styled, and absolutely crazy for venturing into business ownership (but also remarkably brave). i suffer from anxiety attacks and G.A.D. (general anxiety disorder) and it’s threatened to erode everything i care about too. it’s all about being honest, letting your family care for you, and caring for yourself. you’re amazing for writing this and it sounds like you’re already on the fast track to recovering! thanks for letting us in!
Kendi, I have been reading your blog for a couple of years and am always tickled by your wit and inspired by your fashion. But today I was deeply moved by your honesty and vulnerability. This only makes you more lovable and more easy to relate to (and you were already crazy lovable before). Thank you, thank you for saying the things you said–everyone–you and your readers–are better for it.
Thank you for being brave enough to share this Kendi. I admire you so for the courage you had to open your store and your keen eye for fashion; I admire you now for your bravery. I hope that you will continue to strive for the change and balance you are seeking! Much love, Misha
This post is just another reason I love ya!
Kendi, we are here to you. In all your sides, and shades. Some people say that we need dark to see the light, and maybe they’re right. Keep strong, girl! (But not to much.)
This is really brave of you to post. I think that nowadays so many of us struggle with depression and anxiety. I don’t know a single friend who hasn’t experienced it at one point of their lives or another. I’m not sure why it’s so hard to talk about openly. Thanks for sharing the real story. We all really do care.
Oh Kendi, you are so extremely brave for baring your soul.. and I commend you for it… depression and anxiety is sometimes hard to formulate in words… just know that you are not alone and I have extreme faith and hope that you will get through this season.. and the hope of life will be once again shiny and bright… in the meantime I’ll be praying.. because this is something I know for sure.. God is good, He is by our side… He rushes in with light and dispels all fear… He is the calm in the storm and the healing in our hearts… You are amazing…thanks for being real..
Hope
hchdesigns.blogspot.com
Kendi, thank you so much for this post. We all struggle with something and it is so brave of you to share this all with us. You have a huge community behind you 200%. Don’t forget there is always someone to turn to!
You are so courageous. Thank you.
You are so sweet, and brave to share. Good luck – we are rooting for you.
Thank you. Thank you so much for putting into words so well how i’ve been feeling this past year (which I have also finally sought help for). I too never came her exclusively for the clothes, although you have the best style of all the bloggers, but for you!! You are hilarious, and beautiful, and seem so kind. Thanks for being so honest. I wish you the best!!
I’ll keep this short & sweet as I see you’ve got many many kind words to read here in the comments, but I just wanted to let you know that I read every word & applaud you for sharing. In my 3 years of blogging I definitely know what it’s like to be going through something massive and not know how or if to share. It sucks & it’s tough. I’ve been thinking a lot about thankfulness lately and I definitely do think there’s something to that. Thinking of you & sending virtual hugs! xo.
… that really wasn’t short & sweet, was it? oops.
I look at blogs constantly but rarely comment. I just wanted to say a big THANK YOU for sharing your story and for being so real with your readers.
Thanks for sharing Kendi! I think at times we try to be strong in front of other people for fear of judgment or whatever goes through our minds. However I have found when I confide in others it only makes me stronger. Stronger from all the support that is shared and that lifts me up. I have found that there is strength in numbers. You have a lot of support from those around you who have grown to love you IRL or online. I think it is healthy to lean on others versus our natural tendencies of fighting alone.
You are a beautiful woman with great style and class. I love coming to your blog and reading your posts, and it is true, I would love to know more about you and your life but I have so enjoyed what I have been given so far! Thank you THANK YOU for being who you are! Even though I don’t really know you, you have made a difference in my life!
Kendi, I’ve followed your blog for a long time and never commented until now. You’ve shown great strength by posting this and I think making your inner feelings more in line with your external message will be healing for you. Your writing inspired me to start my own blog recently – your sense of humor and fabulous wording are some of my favorite things to read every day. I think keeping it real is the way to go. It’s going to be okay. Treat yourself well.
Life is hard and when things get harder you will notice that people around you are happier and you feel like you’re the only one down with trouble and stuff. and thats when you think ‘why me?’ But what we fail to notice is how hard everyone is trying to smile and make everything seem normal to others. It is true.. that happiness is a choice but one tough choice to make as we let the other fears get better of us. Take care and hope you feel better soon…
As someone who once suffered from depression, I know how hard it is to talk about. I applaud you for having the courage to share your story with us. Thank you.
Take care of yourself, lady.
Kendi, you are awesome. Thank you so much for your vulnerability. We’re here for you.
I’ve been reading your blog for years. Pretty sure I’ve never liked you more 🙂 thank you for letting us know you are real– we all struggle, and it’s nice to know, we’re not alone!
Kendi,
I don’t want to bombard you with advice or tips for dealing with your depression and anxiety, because it sucks when people who aren’t you try to tell you how to “fix it.” Instead, I’d like to leave my hope for you: I hope you find a good therapist, someone you can make jokes and connect with, but who will also push you to work hard to control your negative thoughts.
All the best!
you are completely inspirational. everything you said was amazing, strong, and powerful. I know how you feel sometimes and we are all human. (even the “perfect” bloggers) your post today made you so perfect to so many people. completely inspired!!!
xoxox, Meg
http://www.sealed-with-style.com
Kendi, like so many of the girls replying here, you have my full support and gratitude for posting this. I know it wasn’t easy, but nothing hard should be presented easy.
I will pray for you and Bryan because I know things like this takes it’s toll in all aspects of life. There’s still so much light in all of this and regardless of media (be it blog world, facebook, twitter insta… whatever!) you’re still shining. That’s saying something whether you want it to or not.
As for the style blog, I love it. But I’d never be opposed to just a “lifestyle & style blog.” You’re so freakin’ creative. Plus things change, people change and time goes on. Don’t be afraid to change with it.
respectfully, Heather
Also, I should clarify .. I will support you even in taking time off. I just flat out support you. (I realize the above statement sounded kind of bossy, sorry…) You do what you need to do. I’m here and the other 300+ people are here 😉
Kendi, I wish you lots of good luck on your path to happiness. Your blog is a place of inspiration for others, remember that! Other people want to read what you write/see how you dress, that is a rare gift to posses. You are special.
Don’t think you walk on that path alone lady. Most of us trudge down it together, but we feel alone bc we internalize our negative thoughts/struggles & on cue smile brightly the outside. You and your husband both are absolutely fantastic. Nothing that you mentioned above changes that &I’m extremely glad you are able to bring yourself to finally write this bc when you are internalizing all of this stuff you carry it just HAS to come out somehow – sickness, panic attacks, irritability, depression, tiredness, etc. Writing it out &sharing it with the world is a positive step. Easy to say, but please don’t worry about what “we” all think. Everything I’m telling you, I’m telling myself too.
And are you kidding? Yeah yous funny girl &dress awesome, but I come here because of YOU. And I don’t like roll hella deep with followers on my blog, but when I have my Mariah Carey-like breakdown posts that’s when I get the most supportive & meaningful comments and addition of people following. Not to mention, I somehow feel like I can breathe a little bit easier. The truth is the light, eh? Also, you’re 28, I’m about to be 30 soon – it’s a beautiful time in life. After you begin to get a handle on this, you’re necessary I-don’t-giva-**** evolves further & kicks in even more. Remember when you were 19 & 20 and just accepted everything – you don’t do that anymore! And i totally agree with if it’s all about sales, i’m out! I firmly believe that’s why most old people seem to lack tact &just get away with the things they do when they reach their age – they ain’t got time for all that!
The only thing that would stop me from coming here is like if you passionately hated black people or routinely punched little kids in the stomach after your 6.5 day work week. Yeah. That would make it kinda hard to come back 😉 You are a wonderful writer btw. Take your time, do you &be well! xo
Its so beautiful to see people being honest with the world. Especially with blogs it’s so easy to get caught up in appearing perfect but everyone goes through stuff and we’re stronger together if we share our struggles. I know this was very difficult for you but I have to say a big THANK YOU for sharing it with us. Stay strong and know you have hundred of people out here, and in your immediate life, who love to hear from you and want you to be happy.
this is my favorite of all of your posts. as much as i like the clothes, i read your blog because i like you as a person. thank you for sharing.
♥♥♥
kendi, this is a beautiful and honest post that you should be SO proud of. it’s so hard to be vulnerable, and you’ve done it with grace. i doubt i speak just for myself when i say i love hearing about your life, even though i don’t truly know you. so many of us have struggled with depression, and for you to be open and truthful about it is an incredible thing. i wish you the best of luck in finding the light – but also in realizing that it’s okay to be dark sometimes too.
Good luck Kendi. Thank you for your post and your trust. “Maybe it’s not about the clothes that bring you here (meh, or maybe it is) but maybe it’s about life.” : you are so right. We love you. Take care.
Don’t wory Kendi, all I can say is – ‘All will be well’, ‘Soon”.. Every phase of life passes.. Nothing is here to stay – whether the good or the bad. Try to not think much and enjoy the happy moments in your life!
My heart goes to you..
risingcolors.blogspot.in
such a great post. thanks for much for sharing this. it definitely got wheels turning in my own life….and i’ve just recently started a photography website/blog so…..this is so great to read for me.
I am so excited to see where you go from here. Thanks for your honesty, thanks for your humor and thanks for being real.
Love this post…honest, brave, and beautiful.
this was a beautiful post. thank you so much for being honest and open about your experience. i hope you continue to find the light in the shadows! remember we’re all here for you. and we love you.
Thank you for showing more of yourself. I have depression, too, and don’t share that part of my life with people either. I hope to one day have your bravery.
Thanks for this post!
Due to my own anxiety, I wrote this Bible verse on a wall in my house:
because of the Lord’s great love, WE ARE NOT CONSUMED.
Lamentations 3:22
Good to be reminded of that multiple times a day.
Thank you for sharing <3 Please take time for yourself. We will be here ready and waiting for the bit of sunshine that you bring to our lives when you do.
Kendi. Just wanted to let you know you’re not alone. I think you’re incredibly brave for sharing, and I’m glad you’re finding the light again.. I have no answers to share, just love and support to send you. Wishing you all the very best, from Sussex UK xx
Kendi,
Thank you so much for sharing. You are an excellent writer and this is probably one of your best posts. I admit that at first I came here to see your outfits, but for the last year or so I have come solely to hear about you and to read your silly jokes. I love your posts! I admire you for sharing the other part of your life and I look forward to hearing more about it. I wish that more people had your courage! I will read your blog no matter what you decide to do with it, and I think an important thing for you to remember is that you are not alone – you have a huge community here that supports you no matter what. Keep on truckin’ girl!
Heather
Kendi, thanks for sharing your struggle. It’s always good to find out more about the people whose blogs I read– about their real life, not just the surface things. I feel like one of the pitfalls of social media is that it’s really easy to make your life look perfect when it really isn’t. It is a breath of fresh air to see honesty like this!
I’m glad you’re going to share the bad and the good. And although I don’t know you, you have my support. Panic attacks stink.
Kendi! We are present and we are listening. You’ve got our hearts, girl.
I have so much more respect for you after this post, you have been such a role model in my life and have enjoyed reading your blog for a long time. I hope you feel the light more often I know I wish I could feel the same more. Much love xxxx <3
Kendi, thank you so much for this post, for your honestly, and for your vulnerability. We *do* come here not just for the clothes but also to hear about you–both the good and the hard. We’re here for ya!
This is a very touching post. I have always loved your comical posts and look up to you for that reason. I have only recently started following you so, like you said, i just see the happy face and amazing sarcasm. It’s really awesome of you to open up to all of your followers like this and i wish you all the luck in the world. xoxo
Birdy
http://www.thetwirlteam.blogspot.com
It is a brave thing to put yourself out there like you have. Honesty makes you vulnerable and online that is very scary.
I have often wondered how you manage to keep all the balls in the air.
Take some of the daily pressure that you load onto your shoulders and just let it go. It’ll be the hardest and the best thing you’ll ever do for yourself.
bisous
Suzanne
Thank you for sharing. I live with someone who battles depression and I have been battling it in the last year too. Your words have given me perspective and I pray that you continue to see the light. I loved your blog anyway but this makes me love it more.
Oh, man, already so many comments … but in case you read mine, thank you. I like you (yes, the clothes and yes you are so very funny!). I am glad you shared with us though. You aren’t alone as I am sure you know. Depression is so hard … and I always ask myself why I can’t just CHOOSE happiness? Yeah. Why? Hugs to you and sending prayers and well wishes. And keep wriiting your blog!
awww kendi. pumpkin. im so sorry to hear that you’re in your “dark place”. i hope that things turn around for you. and for pete’s sake, stop thinking that the world rests on your shoulders. it’s ok to have off days, and its ok to have work boundaries. OK? ok.
xoxo.
katie
I stumbled upon your blog a while back and it’s you that I keep coming back to read, not the clothes. Thank you for being honest and well, you. Life is hard and if anyone were to say different, then I would say that have not truly lived then. But in the struggles are glimpses of such beauty that it’s almost hard to believe. Hold on to those moments but let all of your life define who you are, even the tough stuff. Thank you so much for sharing Kendi. Prayers and love coming your way!
Of course we like you. That’s why we keep coming back. You’re witty and sarcastic and goofy and and and. And, sure, you dress pretty well. :o)
Sharing your experience with depression and anxiety must have been extremely difficult. You certainly shouldn’t have to hide this tiny piece of you from anyone. It isn’t who you are, it’s just a bit of you. Proud of you for sharing. Take care of yourself. Keep looking for rainbows.
This post seriously made my eyes water. You are an amazing person. “Every day may not be good, but there is something good in every day.” I pray you always have your good! 🙂
Thank you! In the (often fake) social media space, it’s refreshing to read your honest words. You are a truly beautiful person…inside and out! From someone who met you in person once (at bloom) and stalks your blog daily! 🙂
Thank you so much for sharing with us! I, like you, have struggled with depression off and on since I was 14. Not only is it hard to deal with, it is very hard to share with others how it feels. I always felt that it was a weakness and so I tried to hide it from everyone but that just made it worse. Talking about it with friends and family (and blog followers in your case) helps slowly move you back to normal. I hope that writing this helped you!
I have read your blog for a few years now, and this is my favorite post yet. Not because you are sad – but because you are real. I’ve struggled with depression over the years, but never let myself seek help for it. that always felt too real – like admitting defeat. And I can control my non-action. But hearing your story, and seeing your strength is inspiring to me. Reading this gave me chills. I wish you the very very best. I come here for the pretty clothes, but also for your voice. Please keep being honest with us, as much as you feel comfortable with. We won’t be going anywhere.
So honored and grateful that you shared this with us today, Kendi! Sending lots of love and good vibes your way. Thank you so, so much for having the courage and strength to share that with us. Thank you, thank you!
Thank you for sharing! I hope you continue to find your way back into the light, with the help of your doctor and your loved ones.
Thank you for being brave enough to share what is going on with you. This is my favorite blog of the many that are out there. I’ve been where you are and you will come back into the sunshine again. Your honesty will inspire and help others who are struggling.
You just helped so many people by sharing your story. Thank you for having the courage to do so!
So brave of you to share this and this makes you so much more of a “real” person. I’m glad you’re getting the help you need to move forward with your life. <3
Thank you so much for sharing, Kendi! I think a lot of us are not just here for the clothes. The blog world is a funny thing … we readers come to care about the bloggers that we choose to spend time with. I just want you to know we’re with you .. thick and thin.
Kendi! Your words were beautiful and honest. Thank you so much for that. I really look up to you and LOVE your blog! I’m not much of a blog follower but I was alway drawn to yours and inspired by you! Stay strong and keep searching for the candle in the darkness because it’s always there! Lots of love to you and your family! Your blog is fantastic and you’ve made a big impact and you should be proud of that! Ps. you’ve inspired me to start a blog of my own! Thank you for what you have pushed me to do!
Kendi,
Grateful for your transparency in sharing this post- refreshing in a world full of facades and unattainable expectations. While i LOVE your style and keep coming back to be inspired to try new things with my clothes, there is something about your quirky charm that challenges me. To poke fun of myself. To set big goals/dreams. To enjoy life and seize the day.
Regardless of if it was a front, or truly deep down in your heart- you sharing snippets of life through this blog has helped me grow into my own skin. I started following the blog a couple of years ago, in the season of life right after college. I was still trying to meet standards set by others, trying to gain their approval. I wanted to be wanted. But by seeing your creativity with your own style and confidence in trying new things- I gave up the want to fit in, and began to feel confident in my own style.
I’m thankful to have found the blog when I did, but to also still be a follower and be reminded that those who seem to freakin’ have it all together all the time- don’t.
Praying for days of rest. Praying for time with your husband. Praying for conversations that will be a result of this blog post. I know that you’ve challenged many other women other than myself… Grateful for your pretty clothes, pinterest addictions, and willingness to be open with a community of women whom you may not have ever met.
Thank you for sharing. I love your blog, your humor & fashion sense. It’s comforting to know that others go through the ups and down as well. Keep your head up Kendi!
Thank you for sharing this Kendi! I can’t imagine how hard it was to open up about something to personal and difficult…but those bloggers that are willing to share the good and the bad are my favorite to read. Because we’re all human and not one is beyond struggle.
e-hugs coming your way. I’ve been there. I know what you are saying. that darkness being let in, creeping in, slowly. so slowly, sometimes, you doubt yourself over and over again. We’re all human.
Oh Kendi…I don’t know what to say…only hope that you and your doctor and family and friends will work this out. Best wishes.
BTW- do you exercise? I heard that helps a lot with depression. I feel happier when I am running, just a thought. 🙂
Your loyal reader: The Way We Were
I just want to wish you all the very,very best.
Thank you.
Kendi to read this, after coming to your blog daily for the last few months, refreshes my faith with people and their realization about what is important in life. I love that you had the strength to finally post this and that things are slowly (but surely) getting better. You have fashion, drive, a sense of humor and above all else an understanding that this life is not just about what you wear, buy, drive but about the memories made along the way! Good luck in all you do!
This is so courageous. What a beautiful post and individual! I must quote you on ambition, though, I feel I often get overwhelmed and forget the big picture, too. Thank you for reminding me what ambition is.
thank you! in this virtual world we forget we are real people sometimes and not machines. take the time, breathe, enjoy the little things.
Thank you so much for sharing your life with us Kendi. I’m so grateful for every post, the sad and the silly because you are real and honest. You’re such an inspiration and I hope you take at least a few minutes a day to be still and treat yourself well, you deserve it! I love this little corner of the internet.
xoxo,
Chelsea & The City
Kendi you did a wonderful thing sharing this with all of us. Thank you 🙂
<3
as someone who suffers with bi-polar depression and anxiety issues i can relate to what you’ve said so closely. my heart aches for you and your struggles but you are on the right path. opening up like this is SO healthy and i admire your strength and courage in doing so on your blog. you are an amazing woman. i follow this blog not just for the pretty clothes but for the lovely woman that you are. i’m in your corner all the way.
Thank you for your bravery. This post took real guts. I wish you the best of the best; I hope that sunshine finds you.
So much love to you. And thank you for being so brave to share your story with the world. I’ll be here visiting no matter what – rain, shine, clouds, unicorns, and flowers. 😀
Kendi, thank you for sharing your story and more of yourself with us. We’re all human and sometimes we all need to just let out that sigh or deep breath. Thank you for being real and being you.
Amazing that you shared all of this with us. You are so strong and I feel so much admiration for you.
Just wanted to say–you’re one of my favorites, and I think you should share absolutely what you feel comfortable sharing in this space, your space–no more, no less. Good luck with everything! I’ll still be reading.
Kendi, you are very brave to share all of this here.
I can honestly say one of the reasons I love and have loved your blog is because of the parts of you that are in every paragraph.
You continue to inspire me ladyfriend 🙂
-Krystyn
Thank you for sharing. Your words really help me in this moment of my life (so difficult by the way) Thank you for being silly in all your post.
Thank you for sharing Kendi. I love reading your blog because it always makes me smile- your writing is witty and your style is beautiful. Over 400 people have already sent you kind messages and here’s mine – take care of yourself and I hope that you start to feel better soon. Thank you for bringing a smile to my life with your blog. Depression is so awful but it can and will get better. Sending you lots of love.x
I keep coming back to this blog because I care about you. That sounds crazy coming from someone you’ve never met, but I do. I’ve been reading for two+ years now, every single day. I definitely noticed that you were closed off. It was frustrating because your shop is so interesting (I also own a small business, though it’s a bicycle shop) and there was so much potential content there. You never seemed to give, and it was clear you were acting out of concern for your privacy and keeping this a clear and clean space. But I have to say, I’m so excited to move forward on this journey with you and see more sides to you and the shop. I also have depression and anxiety. I have panic attacks regularly and am considering medicines, even. It’s brave of you to talk about this and I’m just…thank you. I’ve criticized you in the past, yes, but it always ALWAYS came from a place of wanting to see you at your best. I’m so glad you’ve decided to make some changes, and I can promise I’ll still be here every day to look at your outfits and read your posts, silly or not.
Thank you so much for your honesty. As someone who has dealt with anxiety and has supported a loved one with depression I identified with your post and learned from your description of what you were going through. I’ve been following you for two years and I respect you even more than I did before. I bet being true to yourself must be such a relief. Wishing you the best Kendi!
Thank you for sharing your life with us. It is incredibly hard to be honest about depression (I would know) and I’m proud of you for doing what you think is best for you. I’m also glad that it means I get to read your blog and be in your life! 😉 But if you ever feel like the blog is hurting more than it’s helping, I’ll toast you with a glass of pink champagne and wish you the best. Thanks again for sharing. I think you’re pretty great.
loveMercyMe.blogspot.com
Kendi, you are so brave for writing this. Your site is my favorite and I always check your blog everyday. Thank you for sharing your struggles– what a great reminder that life is full of sunshine and rain. Wishing you the best! You have a whole audience cheering you on!
Kendi,
This post was, honestly, the most sincere & beautiful blog post I’ve read in quite some time (if not, ever)…and I read a lot of blogs! I’d like to say thank you for sharing, but that particular sentiment seems to fall a bit short. To me, the more appropriate comment is this: congratulations. This post wasn’t about us (the readers), this post was a personal hurdle and struggle…so congratulations!
Find the light in overcoming this obstacle, and know that you have inspired one more person to stare down & conquer her own personal hurdles. Sending loving joojoo your way!
Come rain or shine – I’ll take any weather that passes over your blog and always be thankful for your courage to share!
Kendi, dear, your readers love you. I totally come here for the clothes, but it’s posts like this (and your keynote at TxSCC) that showcase the way you understand things so very well.
May you know joy again very soon. Not just happiness but joy.
You are so so brave, Kendi! I’ll wholeheartedly admit that I come here to get ideas for cute outfits (of which all of yours are), but of course I want to know who the girl wearing them is! Thank you so much for sharing and I truly hope that starting with a clean slate helps you on your path to healing.
On another note, when you said you didn’t want to talk about opening bloom, it reminded me of
this post on A Practical Wedding that I thought you might be able to relate to.
I know you will conquer the darkness. This is a very courageous post to write. I hope you feel empowered. I hope you feel that the slate is clean.
Those are not easy words to share. I admire you for typing that out and I think you are so brave to be dealing with that. Depression sucks and I am glad you’ve got a system of support and help when you need it. Thank you, Kendi, for your openness. and I hope you find happier days ahead.
Dear Kendi, I’m not much of a replyer on blogs, I’m more the creepy kind of reader that is simply consuming the outfit inspiration you provide. That is, I started coming for the outfits, but I kept coming back regularly for the witty words they came with. Reading your blog kind of felt like having a very well-dressed quirky friend at the other end of the Atlantic. But being a ‘friend’, I really do hope you are okay – and I want to thank you for your open-heartedness. What you are going through is supertough, and though I know sweet replies won’t cure your problems, but I hope you will feel a teeny-tiny bit better after reading this. Know that even your creepy readers will want you to feel okay, not only look it. 😉 Wishing you all the best, Else
Kendi, happy to hear that I’m not alone. So grateful that you have shed just a little bit of light on this topic to make others feel less outcasted. Depression/Anxiety often goes over looked and makes those who suffer from it feel incompetent and weak; when really, that is not the case at all! Life is full of roses and thorns. Thankful for your honest heart!
Kendi, I have been following you for a few years now (I spent many, many hours reading all your old posts, laughing and smiling) and you are my favorite blogger because you are so real. I’ve never commented before but I want to thank you for this post and for being so genuine, difficult as it may be- it is sincerely appreciated. I feel like reading blogs can be hard for us ‘regular people’ because the lives portrayed always seem so glossy and perfect, but in reality, of course they are not. Your bravery and strength in sharing your story is remarkable. So, thank you, thank you and thank you for sharing & don’t be sorry for a second for being a real human, with real emotions- ‘life ain’t always beautiful, but it’s a beautiful ride’ and moms always make everything better 🙂 …I hope you continue to heal and see the light. sending much love…xoxo
Beautiful words, Kendi. Thank you for sharing. I pray that you will continue to find the light amongst the shadows! xoxo
Thank you for sharing your story. I too suffered from panic/anxiety attacks and felt like it was the end for me. What I’ve realized is that YOU are in control of what happens next. Take some deep breaths, close your eyes, and allow yourself to accept that you’re going to be just fine. In truth, I usually just scroll through your pictures and see where I can buy everything (you’ve caused me to spend lots of money–and it’s worth it!!), but now I am going to take a longer look at your story. You’re helping a lot of people, whether you know it or not, Kendi. Thank you again 🙂
Kendi, you're a serious rockstar for writing that. Thank you for sharing and know that regardless of what you put out, those of us that have been reading you for YEARS will always be coming back. xo
Thank you Kendi. You have no idea how much it means to me to read this post. Your honesty is why I have read you from the beginning to the end. Your realization that you control things and always will is something I am dealing with right now. Please Kendi, You are amazing and your honesty is so appreciated!
http://www.theadoredlife.com
Wow. Just wow. I was teary eyed through the whole thing. Believe it or not, sometimes it makes me feel worse to read shiny, happy blogs where cute girls appear to have life by the balls and there is nary a worry in sight. You just became so much more real to me, and I applaud you a hundred times over for writing this. I already loved your style, your writing voice, and your adorable store. Now I have a new respect for the woman you are. BRAVO.
This was very brave. Thank you for sharing. Sending some good thoughts your way!!
Thank you for sharing. I know it's not easy to write, but please know that more people go through this than you can realize. Depression feels very lonely, but its not.
Thank you for your honesty, and don’t ever feel ashamed of saying something that some won’t like, or understand. Depression is a hard thing, and one of the hardest is telling others that you have it. You are very strong!
i'm so glad you shared this side of your life and business. i'm sure it was very hard, but i think it must also feel great for you to get it off your chest. i'm glad you've been to the doctor since and that things are getting better all the time. i think it's super brave to be so open and vulnerable here. just wanted to say i've always been so so impressed by your blog/store/work ethic.
I've never commented on your blog before, but I've been reading it for about two years. I'm so glad you wrote about this. I think it's easy to assume that a bloggers life is perfect, because from all the pretty pictures you post it seems that way. I certainly don't wish these struggles upon you, but I'm glad that you are being honest about your life. It makes you seem more human, and that can't be a bad thing, right?
Ive suffered from anxiety attacks for years, they sure aren't fun! I'm grateful for them, though, because they've forced me to reevaluate my life and make some changes so that I wouldn't feel so stressed all the time.
I hope that things improve for you, I know they will. I think speaking your truth is an important step towards progress, and you've certainly done that here. Best of luck to you!!
Thank you so much for taking the time to share this with all of us. What a brave woman you are! I too have seen more shadows than light lately and I can’t seem to find my way back to the light! I’m trying every day though. I want to be the person I once was. I think she used to be carefree, funny and at times, risky. I don’t know what happened to her, but I will find her. Thanks to you, I know that we aren’t alone in this thing called life. And even though we don’t know each other, I feel like you are a friend. Wishing you much health and happiness to continue your way.
http://akstylemyway.blogspot.com/
Hi Kendi,
I too have struggled with depression and anxiety in my life. My first bouts with depression were in high school, they flared up again right after graduating college, and the last, and worst, episodes was when I ended an engagement two years ago. After years of suffering in silence, I went and talked to a counselor. I didn't realize that there could be like without depression, or that the endless pit in my stomach was anxiety. After months of counseling, I am in such a better place. I don't remember feeling this happy or hopeful since I was in grade school. That is so brave of you to share your history, even if it is just to anonymous readers.
I love your blog, and I'm astonished that there are people in the world that can put together and wear beautifully classic clothes like you every day. You are an inspiration, in your clothing choices and in real life. Keep up the hard work of mending, I am rooting for you!
Thank you for sharing what you’ve been going through. I have struggled with both anxiety and depression at various points in my life as well, so I found your story incredibly relatable. Therapy was really the best thing I ever did, and I still use the techniques I learned there when I feel that twinge of anxiety or sadness creeping back again. There are more people than we think going through similar stuff, being open helps to not feel so alone in the struggle and journey. Hang in there!
You have now climbed the mountain…you are very brave. Often, when I climb a mountain (literally – I live in Colorado *wink) and I look down on the beautiful view below, I just feel…better, somehow. take care of yourself and continue to be brave.
Being in the limelight is unbelievably hard. Being a brand is unbelievably hard. Having to look beautiful and ‘perfect’ all the time is unbelievably hard. Same reason why so many celebrities (and just actors in general) succumb to depression, drugs, and worse. (I feel like I can say this because it’s my industry, and many of my friends, and even myself. Not generalizing.) Good for you for recognizing how you feel and being proactive to change it. I can’t recommend Ziva Meditation or the Paradox Process more. They both saved and changed my life. xo
Hi Kendi, can I give you a hug? The best words that live on blogs (and in life) are the true ones. And indeed, they are the shiny, sparkly ones. I adore your look, your style (and basically pinch many an idea from you… I look good because of you), but the best part about stopping by here is real-person-Kendi. You are so smart, and so witty, and so brave. Thank you x
This is, hands down, the best thing I've ever seen on your blog. Thank you so much for sharing this, for being real. Cheering for YOU and your way back to an authentic sunshiney place.
I normally read this through my RSS feed but I wanted to stop by the actual site to say thank you for writing this. I, at least, come here to hear your story and this part of it is every bit as good as the happy and silly part.
Thank you for being so brave and sharing this!! You are an inspiration to live a life of honesty. Thank you for this!
Kendi – your blog was the first I started following and since have many favorites, but yours is always what I enjoy reading first each day. While I don't know you personally, there's never any need to apologize for true feelings – when you're ready to share that's all that matters. I hope you find peace moving forward and can enjoy those moments in life that make you truly happy. All the best!
I've never been here for the clothes. I'm here for Kendi. I think I probably speak for a lot of people when I say, we would love to know more about her. Don't ever feel like you are unable to share in this space. (Hope this isn't creepy. I promise I am a well-adjusted adult who just really likes your blog.)
Brave post! Thanks so much for sharing. It’s incredibly helpful to hear someone’s story and how they are dealing with it whether or not it mirrors one’s own. Hoping you find more light than shadows going forward!
There are a million style blogs. I come back to this one because of your intelligence and humor and that undefine-able thing that makes your voice uniquely yours. Your clothes are really nice, too, don't get me wrong!!! But its the inner YOU shining through that sets this space apart.
I'm so glad you are taking care of yourself and thank you so much for sharing such a deep and delicate thing. You wrote it out beautifully and eloquently and with that certain wink and sparkle that is so Kendi.
Be good to yourself, girl. We'll be here for you.
Thank you for sharing, kendi. I do really enjoy your clothes, but like you said, this blog makes me want to know you as a friend. I live in the Dallas area and i joke (kind of) with my hubby that i should totally go meet you and become bffs with you…! Keep chugging along and you'll be fine… Thanks again for sharing
Sip-n-wear.blogspot.com
I’m so sorry you’ve had to go through all of this, with a public persona to worry about to boot. I hope there is sunshine ahead for you Kendi 🙂
So hoping things start going the way you deserve and that you get to feeling wonderful soon. Thanks for sharing.
You’re the best Kendi! <3
Dear Kendi, this blog post makes me want to read your blog MORE, not less. Thank you for your inspiring post!
"Success is liking yourself, liking what you do, and liking how you do it.” – Maya Angelou
Kendi, I've always been so impressed with you, both from a style stand point and from a personal stand point. You are witty and hilarious, and REAL. This is even greater evidence of that. Thank you for sharing, I'm sure there are SO many people who can benefit from this!
kendi, thanks for sharing this. this is incredibly strong of you and i think very brave. i have been reading your blog for 2 years now ( i am from germany ) and i have been enjoying it a lot. i love your style and your writing and the "silly" stuff you write.
i hope that you will be fine – i´ll stay a happy reader of your blog!
Though I am a longtime reader, I've never commented on your blog before. I just wanted to thank you for your courage — it takes a brave heart and a strong soul to write so openly about such a difficult issue. Thank you for sharing. Good luck! So many people are rooting for you! 🙂
I think many of us have traveled down that lane, I'm glad that you've come forth and shared. I'm going through something similar so I find it hard to find the right words. I know the lack of concentration rings many bells for me and it's often frustrating! Hang in there, we will all get through this. As that saying says "If you're going through a rough time, keep going" you'll do just fine.
http://www.houseofhemingway.com
Sharing this part of your life is brave, and you probably have no idea how many of your reader's lives you are touching. Thank you for giving us a glimpse into your life, something beyond your clothes. I admire your honesty (and so much more!).
We are all rooting for you!
~FringeGirl
Although I have probably followed your blog for years now, I don't think I have ever commented before. Thank you for sharing this with your readers. The stigma of depression is as bad as the depression itself. I find great comfort with my peers and I hope you will as well. Take Care!
Thank you for sharing, and good luck in finding the light.
I will, without doubt, continue to read your blog and cheer you on! I am very impressed with all you do — being entrepreneur AND a public blogger takes a lot of courage and strength.
I love your clothes but love you more. You're awesome, Kendi. Hang in there.
Love this. And LOVE you (even if that sounds weird and awkward to write to someone on a blog who I’ve never meant). I don’t toss that around though and I mean it. Sending love your way. It’s easy for people to write off “style bloggers” (even though I know you are much more than that), but you are incredibly gifted in so many ways, not the least of which is expressing yourself in writing. I am a writer (though I currently practice another vocation that uses writing in different ways; I used to write for newspapers and magazines), and it’s easy to tell other people’s stories. Much more difficult to tell our own. I hope you feel empowered having written it. I believe through it you have empowered others. I did start reading your blog because I used to wear sweats and T-shirts every day and my friend recommended an upgrade for my new job … and you’ve totally revolutionized my style, seriously … however I think you’re right when you say we all come here for more than the clothes. It is for you. You are a gift. Thank you.
(PS: Can I also say that whenever I feel depressed or need to read something TRUE – I read Hemingway? Cuz his quote is f-ing correct and his writing cuts through all the bs out there. I used to look up Hemingway quotes online when I was frustrated. Good stuff. 🙂 )
Kendi, I know what panic attacks, cold sweats, and chronic depression/anxiety feels like. I’m sure a lot of other people do as well. You are not alone.
You are beautiful, you are healthy, and you are intelligent. It is okay if you just let yourself be if you need to. You’re 28 years old and you won’t be forever…just let yourself enjoy it. You don’t have to please anyone, you will never be able to please everyone. Life is not a competition or a race. It will be okay to just let go. Things could be so much worse…SO SO much worse…Enjoy the fact that they aren’t!. You could have cancer, you could become deformed, have a traumatic brain injury, lose a limb…None of that has happened. Just please look around you and be grateful for what you have…and the time you have here on Earth.
Good luck on your journey. Please don’t waste the beautiful life you’ve been given full of worry.
Thanks for sharing and your honesty…it's hard to be vulnerable, but I know it will help you heal.
Kendi,
Please keep writing and sharing whatever you want. The good and the bad. We'll take it all with open arms. Even though I don't really know you, I always want to check in with your life as if you were a friend, a very stylish one at that. Keep your chin up. We're proud of you and this brave move to really share your life.
Thanks for sharing this, Kendi. I really appreciate your honesty and acceptance of your true self. Rooting for you! Big hugs and big smiles.
This vulnerable post does nothing but prove your strength. Thank you for sharing your story.
I know it must be tricky to decide what to share on here and what to keep private, but at the end of the day just be yourself…the good, bad and everything in between. I love all the style tips but more importantly I find myself rooting for YOU! I love that you’re funny and real. Not everything can be perfect all the time so don’t feel like you have to be either. Please know that while I sit in my cube and read your blog, that you add a bright spot to my day. I hope we can do the same for you!
You are so brave to write this. Best of luck!
Thank you for being brave enough to post this. For whatever reason there's a stigma around being honest about the negative things in life, and I really admire you for sharing this.
Thank you for sharing this. It’s refreshing to see someone be honest about their struggles because it makes everything else they do more beautiful and more important. We can’t fully appreciate the good and beautiful things in life without the bad.
Kendi…Thank you.
I know this probably took a lot, a LOT of guts. Thanks for sharing your story and I know you'll get the support you need following this. Onwards and upwards!
Thank you for sharing your struggles. My parents opened a store, which they thought would be their dream, and they quickly realized how hard it was. It ate at them, and two years after closing, I fear I lost my parents somewhere in that store. They could never deal with their depression in the way you are. Good job for acknowledging it, for working on it, and for sharing it. And thank you for always bringing a sunshine into my day with your great outfits that are accessible to the normal person. You're beautiful.
Kendi, Your blog is one of the select few that I read daily. I adore your style, wit, and perspective. Thank you for sharing your story – your bravery is inspirational.
Thanks for being so brave and sharing this with us, Kendi! As someone who has struggled with anxiety and depression most of her life, I know how hard it is to share the truth of those struggles with others- especially in a setting like this! I've always been impressed with your honesty and wit as much as your fashion sense, and now even more so. Stay strong, and write what you need to write. We'll all be here to read and embrace it all!
I loved this post and am proud of your bravery! Because you mentioned happiness is a choice, may I recommend The 4:8 Principle by Tommy Newberry as it explores this concept and offers tools like mental focus and gratitude to use to be more joyful.
You have written so well of what hurts and what is real. I am grateful that you have been able and are being able to analyze, face and address truth. It hurts to heal but silences lying fears. Praying for you.
I like the quote a lot! Thanks for sharing your aches..healing process. we're all the same…you're not alone.
http://underthestarsandsun.blogspot.com/
It is such a strange feeling, being ambitious, optimistic, and also depressive. People get fooled and think you're just being dramatic. Then you think you probably have no right to feel sad, because look at how amazing life is and all you have accomplished. Then you forget that there are other feelings and just accept anxiety of a matter of course. Anyway, getting help is tough because it means thinking about it and giving it shape and admitting that you've been doing life wrong somehow and also like you have let your happy, optimistic, ambitious self down. Good for you for being able to write this post.
Thank you for sharing this.
You are amazing! Take some time, rest, feel better. We’ll all be here.
Yeah that's one thing I wish I didn't have control over. I wish happiness just happened to me. 🙂 I'm glad we're in the same boat, it's nice to know someone else is dealing with a crazy life, too. Thanks for your kind words.
Thank you for sharing your story. It can't be easy. I know how you feel. I have never experienced a panic attack but I do feel like i'm in a deep dark hole lately. Being a wife, mother, nurse, blogger, baker has taken it's toll. It's a struggle to find balance. Thank you for your story and for being so candid.
Agi:)
vodkainfusedlemonade.com
I'm not much of a commenter on blogs because I (confession) read a LOT of them. One of the comments below said that this was one of the first ones they'd read – and that stands true for me as well. I've even read yours probably 3 different times. As much as I love your style and what you do – it's the person behind it I adore so much. I look forward to your posts every day because they make me laugh. Your dry humor was (and often still is) the draw. I don't struggle with the same things but at a point in my life where things looked the bleakest – your blog helped keep me through it, honestly. I probably spent more time reading it than doing anything else.
All this to say is although I (often) envy your stuff and adore your store, the personality behind it is what makes it easy to come back to over and over again. I live in Texas myself and often I want to come up to your neck of the woods just to MEET you. Because I often think you're even more awesome and cooler in real life than you already are on the internet.
So do what you need to do – I'll keep coming back. Because honestly I'm not a big fan of blogs who only post pictures of their clothes and nothing more than that – I want to know more about them and what makes them so much more infinitely cooler than me (heh).
Whatever happens for you I'll keep reading – because this blogsphere is just amazing and the people on it are truly unique as well. Like you.
Thank you for sharing your story. I too know all to well what it feels like to have a panic attack. Wishing you health and happiness!
Kendi, going to your blog everyday I am reminded of how easy it is to be fashionable and comfortable at the same time. You are beautiful inside and out, I have been through depression before and my advice is one day at a time and cherish those who love you. Don’t be afraid to be yourself, it get’s easier every year! All the best!
thank you for being so open. love your honesty.
So proud and so brave! You are so brave Kendi. Not only for sharing this but for knowing when it is time to heal. You are inspiring and helping many by this blog, your story and Bloom 🙂
Angela —
I totally agree on the anxiety attack benefit of forcing you to re-adjust. B and I have had to sit down and say "ok yes we can do that, okay no we can't do that any longer." It sucks getting here but I think that it will make for a better life in the end. That's such a good way to look at it, thanks for saying that.
Kendi
Now I like you even more than I already did. Thank you 🙂
I never comment on the blogs I read – of which yours was one of the first – but I just wanted to say, well done. Hang in there.
I can imagine how difficult this was to write, but this was so movin, Kendi. In the years I've followed your blog, who knew that this photoless post would be my favorite you've ever written? Thanks for getting real with us. I've admired your style, and now I can honestly say I admire your soul. Depression is not an easy thing to deal with, I will keep you in my thoughts. Best to you. xo.
Kendi. Thank you so much for this post. I can relate. I've experienced anxiety and panic attacks my whole life and it's so easy to let it happen, it continue with your busy and stressful lifestyle and just push these things aside.
I am SO proud of you for writing this post. It's not easy. Anxiety and depression are little black boxes that we get locked in and it's hard to find the way out. I'm so happy you have recognized some of your triggers and are working towards healing.
You're so brave and I know that's why everyone admires you. It's your time to heal and find peace.
Thank you.
I love your courage to post this Kendi. I can't imagine the stress of the shop, the blog and still trying to have a life with your husband and friends and family. Sometimes life can be suffocating. Sometimes I just takes making a change and realizing your triggers to make a big impact in your life. Best of luck to you.
Lindsay
LindsayJEveryday.blogspot.com
long time reader, infrequent commenter….
thanks for sharing. i am sure, as you will see, that many suffer and (unfortunately) in silence. i hope that even in just sharing, you are already finding ways to heal.
Thank you for being brave enough to share this Kendi, a lot of people will be able to relate to this, I know I can.
A couple of years ago I opened a pre-loved clothing boutique and can identify with just how hard that really is, small business is hard work, especially when you’ve put your heart and sole into it.
Thank you for sharing your comment! I've wondered about counseling a few times, but I've just never been brave enough to make the call. When I was talking to the doctor, she said something to the tune of you know this isn't normal right? And it struck me as funny because I just learned to accept that I was always on edge. It is nice to see the silver lining again, isn't it?
Thanks for sharing your thoughts, it's nice to know I'm not alone. 🙂
Thank you so much! I appreciate you sharing your struggle so much.
Looking forward to the good and the bad days… we're all only human.
Just wanted to simply say, thank you for being so b r a v e!
Thank you so much for your honesty, this post was so genuine and I know that it couldn't have been easy to write. While I love your outfit posts (seriously, come dress me, ha!) I really think that you opening up was really brave and I'm so glad you did. Praying for you lady! xo
Hi Kendi
I stumbled across your blog a year ago and love it!! I live in England and log on every night! Your blog this eve has touched me, I too have p/attacks but it’s a sign your cup is overflowing. Rest and be your own best friend. Brave girl for sharing. Big hugs. X x Love Miss UK – not literally!!
Thanks for having the courage to share your story–it's something I know I needed to hear. It's so easy for me caught up feeling like I'm never enough– so I overcompensate by doing too much and exhausting myself in the process. Have you read any of the books by Brene Brown? Her book "The Gifts of Imperfection" seriously is life-changing!
This is such a beautiful post. Please know everything you said is correct – we are here to hear your whole story, the ups and downs, not just the sunshine but the rainy days too. 🙂
I am truly grateful for you sharing this and admire you more for it. So true and honest, as bloggers, sometimes we get caught up in this other world and we need to pull ourselves back down to earth just like everyone. Truly fantastic words written and I hope each day it gets a little easier.
Thank you so much for your post about your struggles. I've read your blog for over a year and I love it for many reasons. You are funny, gorgeous, have great style, and there is something about you and the way you handle your self that draws people in. And this post is a perfect example of that. I too struggle with depression in ways that is easy to ignore sometimes, and in other ways its embarrassing and makes me feel defeated. The lay in bed all day and do nothing but cry at randoms things, defeated. I am a happy person with an amazing husband, and the job that I've always dreamed of, but It has always baffled me how someone so happy can be not so happy at the same time. Luckily for God's grace, he rights our wrongs and takes away our pain and struggle… if we let him. Whatever your beliefs may be, I pray peace for you. And I pray strength & rejuvenation for you and your husband. Its not an easy journey, and it never will be… but God doesn't give someone something they can't handle. He also working in wonderful ways… one of those being allowing you to open your heart to the world and drawing me in to read it. Your courage and strength inspires me to do the same. So, THANK YOU for being you and opening up. I can only imagine how many people are moved by your journey. I know I am! God bless you, girl! You deserve happiness, and you're are gonna get it, I just know it.
Jillian
This took courage. Thanks for sharing. I will always love to hear the honest side of things. Blessings to you on your journey.
Thank you so much for writing this Kendi. I struggle with Depression too, and it is just so hard sometimes. The last 2 days in fact have been pretty bad, but this post just helped me a lot. I never would have guessed that you struggle with it as well, and I don't think you know how many people your touching by telling your story. Getting back into the Word and hearing Jesus' words have been invaluable to me.
When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought joy to my soul. Psalm 94:19 (NIV)
Cast all your anxiety on Him because he cares for you. 1 Peter 5:7 (NIV)
Brave, indeed. Kudos to you for sharing this with us.
Erin
http://www.BrainsOfTheOutfit.com
Not creepy, actually it's comforting. Thanks for saying that. Sharing is hard for me, as weird as that is because here I am a girl with a blog and she doesn't want to share here life. The irony. So thank you for the encouragement, it means a lot.
You my favorite style blogger are a breath of fresh air. Thank you so much for sharing your story. It makes you real. Sending positive thoughts and vibes your way. I know that all will be well.
Great quote, friend. Thank you.
I hope you understand the permission you just gave to your readers to exhale, pursue their truth, and live it out loud. Thank you Kendi. I wish nothing but for you to be your best self.
Take care of you! I had panic attacks for years and finally went to a therapist, it did wonders. Hang in there.
Blogs are best when they are real – even heartbreaking. Thank you for having the courage. Also, I've heard this woman speak on her panic attacks and anxiety, and she is wonderful. You might check it out. http://www.amazon.com/Freefall-Fly-Breathtaking-Journey-Meaning/dp/1414379366/ref=wl_it_dp_o_pC_nS_nC?ie=UTF8&colid=2TF30R0E7N7HT&coliid=I1542K5JNTF6SC
And now all of us come out of the woodwork. The hard thing about depression is that it feels like you're in a dark place all alone, and more than that, it feels OK. But many of us (myself included) have been there, too. Thank you for sharing your story and for allowing all of us to be helping hands as you move forward. Together, we'll open the door out.
Dear Kendi,
Thank you for being so brave. Take care of yourself.
XXXXXX
Megan
Thanks for writing this post. I have struggled with depression too and know how difficult it can be to talk about it. I'm glad you are taking care of yourself.
HUGS, kendi! I’ve loved your blog since the beginning and was sad to see that you had stopped posting about your personal life, but now it all makes sense. Thank you for opening up and sharing about what must be a very difficult time for you.
Kendi: thanks for your post about depression and anxiety, something too many of us feel we have to hide. Your blog has been one of my little daily pleasures that has gotten me through my PhD. Thank you!!!
Thank you for sharing. I come from a family which depression runs in, and although I've never suffered from it, I've dealt with it with many people very close to me. It helps to talk, to admit it, to be open, and so I'm grateful that you've been able to do that with us, your readers.
You should be proud of your accomplishments, because I look up to you as a new blogger. You have done so much, so don't forget that.
Keep looking for the light, keep looking back at your accomplishments. Ambition is nothing if you can't reflect on the achievements with a smile.
Thanks and best wishes your way,
Lesley
Thank you so much for sharing this with all of your readers Kendi. I have read your blog for a couple of years now and this post has by fat had the biggest impact and made me respect you so much. As someone who has had her own struggles with depression I understand where you are coming from and I appreciate you finally being open about what you have been going through. Thank you!
Thank you for sharing Kendi. This was a tear-filled read. I so much appreciate you taking down the cyber blogging wall and letting us in. Life isn't filled with lollipops and rainbows everyday but life does go on so long as you push ahead. All of your readers are rooting for you!
Thanks for sharing. As someone who has dealt with depression, too, I find that it is incredibly brave of you to share this. Hang in there, and know that things will slowly get better. And they'll stay that way. They have for me.
I haven't read her books, but thank you for the suggestion! I'm always on the look out for new ones to read.
Your are beautiful, and I think its so amazing you’ve chosen to share something so private about yourself. I will continue to be a reader, not just because of your great style, but because your a great person. <3
I really hope you are feeling better. While I love and adore your clothes and get so many great wardrobe ideas from you, it's you and your humor and your writing that keeps me coming back.
thank you for sharing this kendi~!! thank you soo much!! i think a lot of people go through the same thing as you, but fear sharing in on their blogs, but it makes you more real and makes me love you even more than i already do! 🙂
xo,
Sandy
Sandy a la Mode
Kendi, I've been a reader of your blog for years, although I think this is my first time to comment.
Thank you for your honesty and your bravery. I face similar demons in my own life (control freak, anxiety ridden, perfectionist, overachiever). I just finished law school (literally I'm graduating on Saturday) and my first year was almost the end of me. I was in the darkest place I've ever been and for the longest time I didn't even realize how lost I was. The journey back to myself was long and painful and arduous. But I can honestly say that 3 years later I am happy and whole and have far greater respect for just letting myself live and be happy.
Sending you the warmest wishes on your journey. Keep sharing the good with the bad. I, for one, will keep reading.
Thank you for sharing. You’re not alone.
Thank you for writing this! Take if from someone who has slipped into depression several times, had panic attacks and even some crazy anxiety attacks, I know where you are coming from. I really needed to read that line "Happiness is a CHOICE."
Word to the wise – be careful with depression meds…
Praying for you! =)
your honesty is wonderful. i hope cleaning your slate and talking about the not so pretty things in your life are steps to brighter days ahead 🙂
XOXO
Thank you for sharing such a hard part of your life with us. I much prefer the blogs I read to be real rather than smiley and perfect al the time because that is not real life. I hope that you will be able to find some sort of healthy balance in your life and continue to ask for help from your loved ones and professionals when you need it. Do what you need to do to be healthy and happy!
Thank you for sharing Kendi. Hope you can continue to move forward. ( ( ( hugs ) ) )
You are a profoundly great person for posting this.
I can relate all too well. I am fighting this battle myself. This was very brave of you, and I am so proud of you. You are helping others by sharing. I know it has helped me to hear the feelings put into words so well. Thanks and best wishes.
This is one of the most true, honest and beautiful posts I've ever read. I know sharing emotions is hard, but you just did it in so mature and inspiring (!) way. Thank you.And I wish you all the best!
Thank you for your bravery in sharing this. The details of our stories might be different, but you should know that you're not alone in these feelings and struggles. Here's to you and me, and to both of us finding the light in the shadows 🙂
Kendi, thank you so much for sharing this. I wish I could hug you right now because last year, I was going through a situation very similar to yours.
"There is something else I've realized in my struggle: life is good. I've confused ambition with dissatisfaction. Ambition isn't something that sets out to destroy, it's something that sets out to create." That sent chills down my spine because I was in a job for two years that, while it gave me a level of professional status, provided me with wonderful experience, and brought me to meet some of my best friends, it drained me of everything I loved about myself to the point that I did have to do the same thing as you and seek help. It was the best decision I ever made and I'm thrilled you are getting what you need too.
You're not alone in this at all and if you ever need anything, just let me know =D
Hey Kendi,
I’ve been following you for about a year now and I absolutely love it. I love who you are and you style. It takes great courage to talk about your struggle with depression, and I admire you so much for doing it. I have been where you are multiple times. Keep on looking for that light girl, and know that you have at least one person behind you.
Amanda N.
You are a brave and beautiful person! (I know you probably can't see that now, but some day you will.) The sunshine is headed your way.
Dear Kendi,
I empathize with you as I have suffered from severe panic attacks since I was 20 years old. A difficult relationship in my early 20s triggered panic attacks so severe, I would be rushed to the ER out of fear that I was having a seizure or a stroke. Like you, I was always (and have always been) obsessed with 'what's next.' Marriage, professional career, keeping up financially and obsessing over how much I'm saving vs. spending; the inability for me to just be content with the here and now and what I've got and not worry so much about the 'small stuff'…now I am obsessed with the fear of having a baby. (these are personal experiences…not that you have the same worries, but I empathize with the anxiety bit.) The unknown is something that is extremely difficult for me, too. Know that you are not alone. My genetic makeup points to the fact that my parents (mostly dad) and grandparents suffered from the same form of panic and anxiety for most of their lives. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers during this time. Know that what you are going through is very common and you are not alone.
With blessings,
Natalie
Yes, exactly. You took the words right out of my head.
Depression is such a weird thing. It's almost like watching myself in a movie. I can see my life — I see the good parts, I see the bad parts, I see the people in it but I don't feel any of it. It's like watching your life but being separated from it and not being able to get back to it.
Thanks for relating those words.
Hi, sweetie! I'm an old reader but I've never left a message before. I admire not only your incredible sense of fashion but your sense of humor also. So sorry to hear that you're going through a difficult time in you life. However, as a 29-year-old woman who's suffered from anxiety, depression and OCD my whole life, I can tell you (for sure) that this is going to get better, I promise you. You are seeing a doctor and seeking help from your loved ones, that's the beginning of the cure process 🙂 I hope you get better soon! Cheers from Brazil!
Kendi, you are an inspiration. Too many people (women especially) try to project these perfect images of a non-stressful, fun-filled life and although it's good to see these happy images, it also makes the viewer depressed that their life isn't as glamourous. Thank you so much for sharing your real life; it's refreshing to see a real person on the internet, not just someone in cute clothes. Keep doing what you're doing and the right people will support you no matter what.
Thank you for sharing. It takes an incredibly strong person to share something so personal on a blog!! We are cheering for u!!
Hang in there, Kendi! I’ve enjoyed reading your blog (yes, even the posts that aren’t ‘shiny, happy, joy, joy, joy!’) for a few years now, and I hope that you will continue to use it to share whatever you want. Being able to open up about something personal like this takes a lot of courage, and I’m even more impressed and inspired by you than I was before. Here’s hoping that things are on the up&up for you soon…
Thank you for the recommendation! I'll check it out.
<3
Quite simply, thank you for sharing this. It's so refreshing to hear honesty and true feelings! Thank you again and hang in there, it definitely gets better. 🙂
Thank you so much Kendi for opening up your heart and sharing this story with us. I'm glad you were able to overcome your fear and finally posted this. I believe most of us go through different levels of depression and of course it's so hard to get out of it and keep going when all you want to do is cry and not be bothered by anyone. What has helped me tremendously is reading specifically Buddhism books two books that I recommend are The Art of Happiness by the Dalai Lama and Howard Cutler and Fear by Thich Nhat Hahn. I wish you the best 🙂
Thank you, Kendi for posting this- beautifully written. Thank you for being brave. I have read your posts daily for years and will continue to do so! xo- Kristine
Know there are others out there that feel that feel the very same way you do. It says a lot for you to be able to share it with us, and know going forward, talking about it will get easier It's a learning process. xoxoxo Ashley
I don't often comment on my favorite blogs, even if I read them every day. But I need to comment on this, to say thank you Kendi. For being honest and real. Reading fashion blogs and lifestyle blogs and seeing pretty things every day…it has often made me feel like I need to stop, because my life counldn't/can't compare. But reading this reminded me that you are human. That you are all human and that we share many similarities, anxieties, and more.
So thank's again for being honest and human Kendi. You Rock.
Bravo for opening up. I've always wanted to hear more, not less, about your life. I have huge compassion for what you are dealing with and am glad you have a great support system (your family) and have gone to the doctors for help. Best wishes to you… my very favorite blogger 🙂
Vulnerability is always hard to put forth, especially when you judge yourself harshly. And, I'm sure this comment thread will blow up with support for you. Let me just add that I undertand exactly where you're coming from. I've embarked on a new business recently and felt like I've lost myself. It's hard and you always feel like you're fighting an uphill battle to just get back the smallest of comforts with depression. I sincerely wish you the best figuring out what will bring you into a brighter place.
I started visiting every day to see the clothes and for inspiration in my own wardrobe. I kept coming because I liked YOU, the person and your voice. Now, you're even more of an inspiration. Hang in there Kendi. hugs and love coming your way.
Thank you for sharing. Depression is a beast I've struggled to conquer as well. It's an uphill battle, but made easier with the help of loved ones – of which I know you have an abundance. Including those who loves your blog. Hang in there, Kendi. Prayers headed your way.
Thank you for sharking this post, Kendi. I can only imagine how difficult it was to hit "publish" but I'm so glad you did. Life isn't all puppies dogs and rainbows, but sometimes its hard to admit that to yourself (especially if you're a perfectionist!). And with all of the illusions that bloggers, celebrities, the media, etc, put out there about life being happy and cheerful all the time, it's nice to see some realness. You're so brave for opening up, and I hope you continue to do so (although, I love your outfit posts too!!). I also hope we hear more about Bloom and your accomplishments! Glad you're feeling better 🙂
Kendi, I read this with tears in my eyes. You are so brave so share your life with us. I know how you feel. I have been there.
Ayesha:
I completely hear what you mean about your parents. It can eat you alive, if you let it. It's a lot for one person (or two) In a way, I'm glad that I had a mini-breakdown because it was a stopping point for us. I didn't have a choice but to stop and say I can't do this, we have to make changes. But I get it, it's a hard road to go down for sure.
Thank you for your kind words, friend.
Hi!
I follow a lot of fashion blogs. I don't know if I'm fashionable or not, but I sure try. What I do know is that sometimes I think to myself "it can't all be perfect, these beautiful lives I see on the internet" I look in my own closet and some of my clothes are faded, torn..really cheap. But then I look in my proverbial closet (aka, myself..HA, I'm funny toooo;)) and I think I'm.a.hot.freakin'.mess. And then the dark clouds come for a while, but they always clear. For someone who always wants to be better, who really does thrive when she's smiling from the inside, the cloud will always lift, I truly believe this. Thanks for sharing your messy closet. I still think it's nice to know that no matter the mess on the inside, you can do something for yourself, care about yourself and get dressed. I'm happy to hear you've visited a Dr. This life we live in is too hard to handle on our own. Embrace sadness and look forward to the clearing!
Kudos to you for sharing. I was visiting my parents last weekend in TX and we finally made it over to Bloom. I was bummed that you weren't there but your husband and employee were super friendly and helpful! 🙂
May your clean slate start today. Thank you for being such a fine example of a BRAVE woman. We all have different battles we are fighting. I love how you said. "It's a choice to be present and thankful". Sometimes that is the only choice we have! God Bless!
I think we have all wondered: how does she do it all and still look that good? I always assume that a blog never reveals everything about a person, and that there are some things you deserve to keep to yourself.
That said, thank you for your courageous sharing. I feel like we're long-time friends because of your presence here and I want to give you a virtual hug of encouragement for doing so much, following your dreams, and working through some difficult struggles in the process.
So brave of you to write this post! I hope you found it reassuring and therapeutic. I have suffered at different times in my life, too, with panic attacks and anxiety. The important thing to know is that those bumps in the road come and go and that there is always way more beautiful times ahead. I hope you feel better each day until this rough road turns into a distant memory.
*Standing ovation*
I was recently told that my longtime readers sometimes feel like they don't KNOW me, and so today I wrote a post opening up about some of the more serious parts of my life. It was terrifying so I can't imagine how it must've felt for you to write this. But I CAN imagine how many people you're going to be helping. I tend to fall victim too to letting the blog be a shiny and happy place when we all know that isn't life all the time. I'm wishing you lots of love and luck in your healing process.
I won't lie that I started visiting this blog for the outfits/fashion. But what's kept me coming back is your voice/humor. Noone is perfect and its fine to hit speed bumps. I really hope you get the help you need and feel better. You're beautiful both inside and out!
Hi kendi!
Thank you so much for sharing your story. You are so beautiful! Wish you all the best. I know that is not easy, but you are not alone.
Kendi, I don’t know you personally, but please know that I am rooting for you. If you have come far enough to speak about your depression as you do here, you’ve come a long way. Hugs from afar.
Oh Kendi, if I'm being honest I've been a little sad over the last few years watching the real you drift away from the blog. And while I LOVE LOVE your humor and think you're the funniest person ever, I LOVE LOVE LOVE the real you even more. And I think all your readers can attest to that. The real you, good and bad, happy and sad, is what brought your readers here, and what has kept them around for so long. Not the clothes, although they are so very cute.
Welcome back, Kendi, we're here and ready for whatever you need to say, this is your space, after all.
Thank you for sharing, you da best.
It is sad that you felt you couldnt share your successes for fear of bieng judged. People need to be happy for each other in good times and realize we never know what the bad times may have been. I think you are truly inspiring and thank you for sharing this!
Dearest Kendi, isn't blogging weird but amazing because you have these "friends" that you've never met who want nothing but good things for you and your life. Everyone struggles to balance everything in life and find happiness. Your honesty and sense of humor are always so refreshing and my advice to you (since I've been alive 10 years longer- I feel qualified to give you advice:)) is to eliminate (either temporarily or permanently) whatever isn't contributing to your long-term goals and happiness. Sometimes we feel "trapped" because we started doing something that we once loved and people expect us to keep going, but if we're honest with ourselves, it's no longer a source of joy- but one of stress or anxiety. Cut that out. Trim the fat. Don't worry about disappointing anyone. Those who love you will still love you and be proud of you and be there for you. Take care of your health- physical, mental, emotional, & spiritual- and work outward from a healthy self. Best of luck in everything and I kinda hope I don't see a post from you in a while so you can relax a little and decompress 🙂
~Karen
As one of my style inspirations, you and your blog brighten my day. But, as I know all too well, there is always two sides to each story. I am right there with you girl – I've juggled full time working mother, divorcee, a 2nd marriage, a new home, a small business – and while I can maintain a good "face" 95% of the time, 95% of that time is spent wondering if I will fail. I've juggled all that AND depression. And with depression came the panic attacks/anxiety. You should be proud of what you do/have done – and those of us who follow you should be proud you trusted us to know your story's "other side". Be well, be strong, be you!
Hugs hugs hugs! Thank you for sharing. Here's hoping you get in a better state soon. Anyone can look cute in clothes, but it is the personality that keeps us coming back. Lots of love to you!
Thanks for sharing Kendi. I have also suffered from similar bouts of depression, managing to look happy on the outside, but sad on the inside. I think its powerful to let it out, let people support you and realize that there is always going to bad (I am working on accepting this + trying not to make everything perfect), so let's just try to focus on the good (most of the time). You are lovely and wonderful and here's to a clean slate! <3<3<3
It takes a lot of strength to share so much with others. You are beautiful and I admire you in so many ways. You have accomplished so much with your blog and business at such a young age, you have a lot to be proud up. I read your blog everyday and always look forward to your posts, even if they are just about fashion. Please take care of yourself.
Hi Bri!
B told me about you 🙂 I'm sorry I wasn't there either, but thank you for stoping in. I hope you got some pretty new things.
Take some time. Get well. Wishing you the best.
Thank you for sharing your story. We are all here for YOU, not just your clothes (although those are always fab). Your honesty took a lot of courage, so thank you.
Not to sound super cheesy, but have you heard the song "Who You Are" by Jessie J? In it she says "it's ok not to be ok". I think just a few simple words in that sentence speaks volumes. 🙂
xo, Yi-chia
Always Maylee
You are SO BRAVE! Thank you, thank you. I've been reading since you started- tracked your move back to North Texas- watched you open a shop- and I had no idea, but as I was navigating depression and anxiety and meds and marriage and panic attacks and blah blah blah- so WAS I! So weird! I must have seen it in your eyes 🙂 I'm so proud of you, Girl. Way to kick ass and carry on. " Ambition isn't something that sets out to destroy, it's something that sets out to create." — uh hello? Yoda? I've been reading all of these years and I didn't know how well you could write or how wise you are! I'm thanking God for you, your hard-working spirit, your amazing husband, and your COURAGE! So proud of you, Kendi!
Kendi! We love you and your blog!! Hang in there it will get better…we are all here for you to vent to! I am so inspired by what you do daily…opening a shop…maintaining a blog..and a marriage. You are doing so much better than you give yourself credit for. If you are ever in the DC area…stop on over…we'll have some wine…and vent about life's ridiculousness
xo
A
I love everything about this post.
I remember being very confused when you didn't share and celebrate bloom when you opened it and now I can see that I was picking up on little pieces of this slipping in.
I really respect you writing this post and explaining everything to all of us but, really, I respect you most for being honest with yourself.
Good luck.
Thank you, thank you. I have never commented before, but I am a longtime reader. I have generalized anxiety disorder and so many of the feelings you've shared resonate with me. I hate that you are dealing with depression and anxiety, but I cannot thank you enough for telling your story. You're very brave, and you're not alone.
Kendi, though I only "know" you through this small window in blog land, I'm proud of you! I think your story reflects that of many women and the struggle to balance ambition, pride, perfection and reality. As someone prone to anxiety myself, a huge web-hug and thank you for your honesty and vulnerability. And humor. Most of all the humor 🙂
Other people have said it better already, so I'll just say you are awesome for writing this.
You are so, so brave for sharing this with us. I pray that you continue healing and seeing the light in the shadows.
Thank you for being so brave such a difficult thing to share. We're listening, we care… and we support you!
Serious kudos to you for sharing your story. I think people often forget that, behind the pretty clothes and well put together outfits, bloggers are people too. It takes so much strength to realize that something is wrong and you are not where you want to be emotionally…and then do something to fix it. Remember that you have so many people who care about you, and don't be afraid to lean on them. Getting better is your top priority, and we'll all still be here when you're ready.
xo
Sam
Sweet Kendi, you're already on the mend. This community adores you, all parts of you, and that includes cheering you on when you feel like you're up to your eyeballs in ick. Fall apart a little, do your best to try again, but don't lose sight of YOU.
you're doing the right thing.
I am feeling better, not 100%. Maybe like 65%? But thank you for your encouragement, it means a lot. 🙂
Thank you so much for sharing! yours is the first blog I've ever followed and (this sounds weird) but you felt distant for a while. Happy to see/hear the real you! I too started seeing a doctor recently and it made me realize that I need to let go and live. And let others live as well, because I found myself so often trying to help everyone else and putting my needs last. Keep true to you and your husband of course. He loves you a whole lot – I bet that's why he took you on a getaway vacation!
Just wanted to say thank you for sharing. This post couldn't have come at a better time for me. Without getting into too many details, I too struggle with anxiety and over the past few weeks it has come to a head. It has begun to affect my marriage and other aspects of my life and I am now in the process of getting help. Your words have helped to encourage me that there is a light at the end of the tunnel or that there are two sides to every story – because we think we're the only one struggling with these sorts of things. But it happens to the best of us. I too have realized that happiness is a choice and in the past I have chosen not to live this way. My husband has helped to make me realize that I need to choose the happiness road since I have so much in life to be thankful for. So I just wanted to say thank you for writing this post. Just reading it has helped me even more than you know and in some weird way I feel comforted to know that I am not alone in the things that I feel…so thank you, your words mean a lot to me. 🙂
Megan
budgetfashion101.blogspot.ca
I’m not typically a person who comments on the blogs of people I don’t personally know but I wanted to say thank you for sharing this. I’m going through something very similar and this post made a difference to me. You’re beautiful, funny and inspiring. Thanks for staying true to who you are. <3
That took so much courage and I hope it aids in your road of healing! Thank you for that as it really spoke to me as well in a place of discontentment and feeling futile.
i know this is from a faceless blogstalker but! kendi, you are loved. you do so much good. keep going. thankful for YOU.
That doesn't sound weird at all. I always felt a little guilty when I would post a simple post, wondering if people could tell. If I felt or sounded distant, so yeah I gotcha.
I agree on the live and let go. It's hard to do, but probably one of the best lessons I could ever learn. I'm not there yet, but hopefully will be!
Thank you for the comment, Kara 🙂
Kendi,
Your blog was the first I ever followed…thanks for being so brave and sharing. We love you, take the time to do what is right for you in your life. Depression is a difficult road to navigate; I hope for only the best for you.
Thank you for sharing this. We all have our own story and way, and I appreciate anything you ever want to share. I can't believe I've been reading this blog for years now! I have always loved getting inspiration from your style, but I have also liked learning about your life when you choose to share. I'm glad you have been getting help and that you're feeling better. You never have anything for which to be ashamed! I hope you continue to be able to enjoy life! I'll be here reading and gaining inspiration as long as you choose to give it.
Never be afraid to be honest or to not sugar coat everything! I think we can all safely say that we have had down points or have even been in the same position! In fact when you moved from dallas i completely understand that feeling cause I did it myself and spent months unemployed in a town I didn't know freaking out! and i have had panic attacks, they are so incredibly horrible!
But I really want you to know how incredibly proud you should be of those good things that you have achieved you have certainly been a huge inspiration to me – you encouraged me to take the leap of getting my partners i.t business of the ground and just going for things. also knowing that there is more to life than a job your not fond of!
You are an incredible person and panic attacks and needing to take a break doesn't detract from the wonderful person you are and we as your readers have come to know and love. We miss the real and honest kendi! I certainly come here more for your stories, your personality more than anything else. You make kendi everyday/Bloom the success that it is and deserves to be!
You've certainly inspired me big time and if that's just one person and remember your doing great! If there wasn't hiccups along the way i think I would be more worried!
keep going far more amazing things to come!
Jennx
I also wanted to offer up a book I haven't yet read, but heard good things about: "Fear and Other Uninvited Guests: Tackling the Anxiety, Fear, and Shame That Keep Us from Optimal Living and Loving" by Harriet Lerner
Kendi,
Thanks so much for sharing and being transparent about what has been going on in your life. I think so many of your readers, myself included, can relate to feelings of depression and anxiety. I read this blog because you have amazing style, wit, but mostly your natural ability to relate others. Very thankful for hearing your story and hoping that you continue to get stronger everyday. Stay real it works for you!
Dear Kendi, I'm proud of you for making a choice to look for the light instead of shadows. Keep making that choice every day!
Good job, girl. So many people struggle with depression and it makes me mad that it is not talked about more. More light needs to be shed on this issue. Your bravery sharing here is a blessing to others going through your same struggle, and those who have people in their lives who are struggling. <3
That was an incredibly inspiring post. As someone who has also struggled with accepting that I deal with the same types of things, your bravery for sharing something that Ive always kept so private is something I stand up and applaud.
I do come to see your pretty outfits, but I would LOVE to hear more about your life. You're an incredible writer and and I love your words as much as your pictures. Good luck and keep on going!
Wow. I’ve been following your blog for about a year now, but never commented. I just loved to get inspired by your pictures. But of course, I had to stop by and offer support. I, too, struggle with this issue. I know exactly what you are talking about. And so I hope you know you have a lot of support out here in the cyber world! 😉 Thanks for the beauty you bring into all our lives and the courage it took to share this!
Hello, Kendi!
Thank you for writing this post.
Everyone needs to cry sometimes, not always laugh. We shouldn't block our negative emotions. Hope you'll be o'k 🙂
Thank you for being so brave. Honesty is the most frightening thing one can accomplish. I have not struggled with depression, but I do struggle with anxiety and panic attacks. I am so grateful to have a wonderful therapist and a supportive family, but I'm also grateful for the brave honesty you've demonstrated. I'm proud of the work I've done to manage and treat my anxiety, but I'm also very proud of your determination and effort to really, truly live and exist as yourself. Thank you. (I'm a very huggy person, so *hug*!)
i don't ever comment but laugh out loud at every one of your posts! there have been other style blogs i've tried to follow but even with perfect clothes, they seem boring or too surface. I've always appreciated your personality that comes out in your writing. true, honest, hilarious. Thanks for sharing the hard stuff and being real. praying for you! depression is such a hard thing and only god can truly heal you of it!
I second the Brene Brown comment – read her books, watch her TED talk online. What she has to say is so inspired (plus, she's a good Texas gal). Don't ever apologize for allowing yourself to be honest and vulnerable for it is also the key to your strength and authenticity, Kendi. Know that you have silent (well, until now) kindred spirits wishing you well on your journey!
I've been a long time reader but never commented, until now. I just wanted to say thank you for sharing, it's so very brave of you!
Thank you for this. Thank you for being so transparent, thank you for including us "readers" in your life. Thank you for the inspiration. Thank you for making life okay. Blogs can feel like lies sometimes, and you just made your the truth. I like truth. Thank you for truthiness.
Thank you so much for writing this post. I have loved your blog for a while and have always wondered why you didn't share more, why it was so much surface stuff. This may sound corny, but I am excited to see more of your personality on here. And I am really glad you are getting some help – as a panic attack sufferer, those things are no joke!
I’ve always loved your blog and have wished for more ‘you’ posts. Yes, I love the pretty pictures, I just love when people are real. I’m glad you’re feeling better and better and I hope to learn more about the ‘personal side of you.’
I have never met you in real-life, but we have similar souls. I'm actually sitting here in tears because I have been there, I lived there. All I can tell you is it will get better and it takes time. *hugs*
Oh Kendi!! You are amazing. We love you no matter what. Thank you for sharing this. I am sure it was difficult, but it was beautiful. We want to share in your joys and sorrows. I feel like I know you even though we've never met, and likely never will. Hang in there, girl. It's all going to be ok.
Yeah, you know honestly I think it was more of me being in my way than others. I think it's just something I had to learn for myself, you know? If I had to do it all over again, I'd shout it from the rooftops but I can't go back. But hopefully I can move forward without fear of sharing the good and hiding the bad.
Thank you for your sweet comment.
My mom, who is in the healthcare profession, has been struggling with depression for years. Some days I can tell she's wrestling with issues, some days she hides it so well that I think she's completely better. The one thing she did to help herself was go to a therapist. She refused the pills and she refused going to the doctor, since she's basically one herself.
She doesn't like to brag about her accomplishments as a professor, or all the volunteer work she does in the free clinic and a local homeless shelter. But she completely lights up when she talks about it. And she has a reason to! Just like you have a reason to. You're doing something you completely love; something you can be proud of.
I love, love looking at the pictures of your outfits, but I love reading what you've written at the bottom of each post even more. Your personality comes out through your writing- almost like I can hear someone directly saying your sentences to me. I admire so much that you've opened up your own store; it's a far off dream for me, but you've actually done it. You're truly an inspiration. Very truly. Be proud of yourself and know you've done things of which others can only dream.
I've never commented before, but I've read your blog for years, and as a fellow 28-year old who is constantly creatively road-blocked by my own fear, anxiety and depression (I took violin, not piano, haha), I commend you on being so forward and honest. May you find the healthy balance you very clearly deserve. Thank you 🙂
Thank you. Thank you. I have been struggling with depression myself since I was teenager and am just starting to fully acknowledge it to my loved ones. 24 and I have days where I literally just want to sit in my closet (why the closet, I have no idea), shut the door, and sit in the dark for hours. I’ve wanted to start a blog for years, and the courage it takes to put my life out there for everyone to see and judge eludes me. You are an inspiration, (personal style included), and I know it must have been so hard for you to share this. I admire you so much and am so glad to have your blog as part of my daily reads.
Stay strong!! You can get through this!!
Sarah
oh gosh, i know you're probably getting absolutely flooded with comments now (and for good reason!), but i just figured i'd add my two cents as well.
this is my first time ever commenting (i'm sorry! not for lack of interest in your posts; i'm just a passive blog reader). this post really moved me. i find myself often questioning why i religiously pay attention to so many fashion/style-oriented blogs since most are usually so vapid and devoid of real substance (i won't name names…). this post re-confirmed for me that there actually are some genuinely great bloggers out there who truly respect their followers and want to keep things real. you are without a doubt one of my most favorite bloggers ever.
i applaud you for taking a huge risk by sharing such dark, personal thoughts with complete strangers who look up to you so much (i know i do, anyway). not that i didn't respect you before this, but i definitely respect you as a blogger and as a person even more now.
as i read this, i found myself relating to a lot of what you said. no, i don't own a store or run a successful blog, but lately i find myself trying to deny any dark thoughts that come my way for fear of exposing my unhappiness to others. it's so refreshing that you ignored all the blogger "taboos" and just put it all out there. i sincerely hope you feel comfortable enough to share more about your personal life/bloom/etc. in the future, as i'm sure most (if not all) readers here feel the same way.
thank you again, kendi. be well!
Hugs from your kid who just had a kid. Take many breaks and don't feel obligated to Anyone but yourself:) I hope you can feel my hugs all the way from Houston:)
Kendi,
I don't know what else to say except I love your blog, your style, and your sense of humor. I will be praying for you! And I have been working on the things I am fearful of doing/sharing as well so thank you for being brave and inspiring me to do the same!
Kendi-
Thank you for sharing your story! I deal with the anxiety side of the shadows. And goodness, is it not a lonely place to be! I have an amazing husband who, like yours, is so gracious and helpful. He has become the best help, along with prayer! It's strange how when you read a blog for years, you feel as though you are friends with the writer, which, I think is to your credit. Thanks again for sharing your story! I hope that sharing it helps you to heal and move more toward the light. I do pray that you get there quickly and are able to stay there.
emily
Dear Kendi,
I am 27 and have been struggling with depression since I was 12. Thank you for being so brave and sharing this with us. I hope this dark time passes quickly.
Alex
A blog is tricky and something I obviously struggle with as I haven't posted on mine in months because of my own fear but I'm a huge supporter of bloggers. Yours, my dear, is one of the few I never miss a post. Anxiety & depression are hard struggles; panic attacks are awful. Take some time to find some peace in your mind and your heart. We're here Kendi! Not just to see your cute face and fearless fashion but to hear your story.
thank you for this post! you are beautiful, talented and funny and you inspire more people than you realize through your daily blog posts on fashion with some life bits thrown in. thank you for expressing that it’s ok to be vulnerable and it’s ok to ask for help. wishing you the best as you move forward!
I love your site. Everyday check it . Today, I thought of commenting on it. You are beautiful inside out. Hugs and best of luck.
I feel them Reiko!! Give that sweet baby a kiss for me 🙂
Needed this. Thanks for sharing.
Kendi, this is a beyond amazing post! Giving you a huge virtual hug right now, and mind you I am NOT a hugger.
I love that you can open up and show a raw side of you that makes you human just like the rest of us. We all worry and fret..I know I do at least, I am an over-analyzer at heart. I look forward to more posts from you, whether they are silly or raw.
Best wishes on your journey! I'll be here right along with you reading every post. 🙂
Thank you for sharing your story.
Hey, girl – thank you for your "clean slate" sharing. I have always been a HIGHLY emotional person, but it wasn't till two years ago due to incredible family stress that I really broke down and had (it felt like) a two week-long panic attack. I couldn't sleep and couldn't eat and couldn't function, but it wasn't until a dear friend told me that she herself struggled with anxiety that I was able to go and get help. I still have bad days (today's actually been a doozy) but I am so much better due to the grace of God, some good therapy, and a prescription from my doctor.
Anytime someone brave like you shares her struggles, you encourage someone else to be brave and get help.
Hang in there.
Bravo, Kendi. I feel like you took the mix of barbed wire out of my head the past 8 months and spit in into this post. 🙂 Thank you for sharing your story. Continue to be strong, but honest and real. Honesty and humility and reality–those are the true pillars of strength (as I am slowly but surely finding out myself). I love your blog, and I would continue to read with or without the style. 😉
Take care.
I know it's been said several times already, but I have to agree this post was one of my favorites. I can relate and it can be a very dark hole to be in. Thank you for sharing this and letting us all know that we are here to help each other and the only way to do this is to speak out loud what we need. Again thank you so much for all of this.
Thank you. This is why you're my favorite blogger. xo
Thank you for being so fearless and sharing your story! You are inspiring us all to live our truest selves. Thank you for reminding us that there is beauty in the darkness, and that is it ok to accept both sides of yourself. I hope that this blog will be a safe place for you to share more of who you really are. Love,
Vio
Kendi, you are such an amazing person. Thank you for sharing your story. I believe that a bunch of people feel the same way you do. I know that I do at some points in my life. Remember you only have one life – live it to the happiest! Thinking of you and send warm and fuzzy thoughts your way! Thanks for always being an inspiration!
xoxo,
Laura
In addition to being incredibly creative and passionate, you are also very brave. Thank you for sharing your story and know that all your reader's thoughts are with you during this process!
Thank you for sharing that with us! So powerful.
What an incredibly brave thing you've done by sharing your story. I don't know you personally, I live hundreds of miles away, yet through your blog I feel like your one of my best friends. I pray you'll find comfort and can move forward in your incredible journey.
Hi Alex:
That's a long time to deal with depression, friend. I hope you read through the comments as though they are speaking to you, too. It's nice to see so many others suffer but also conquer depression.
Thanks for the encouragement.
Kendi
Thank you so much for writing this and sharing your struggles. As someone that also deals with depression and anxiety on a daily basis, I know how crippling and life altering it can be. Thank you for opening up to us and being so honest.
I'm impressed by your courage to write this post. Thank you for your honesty! It feels good to read something about the human behind the blog so you can realize, that the life shown here is realy only a snapshot of the whole person and her life and experiences.
(I had my first panic attack and what I believe is a depression last winter and can only now slowly start to talk about it to my close family and friends, so thank you for making me feel less weird and giving me a tiny bit more courage.)
I can relate! Thank you for sharing, Kendi. I hope that you will be able to find a balance and hopefully prioritize all of your responsibilities. Your health comes first.
{{hugs}} to you. thanks for sharing an often "swept under the carpet" topic. It was beautifully written.
Hi Kendi!
As someone who deals with depression everyday, I completely understand how you feel! But I think you should know, that you are inspiration to not only me, but probably most of your readers. Not because of what you wear, but because of your ability to be humble, funny, and hardworking. And for what you wear, because, well, your style is fantastic!
-Meghan
meghanbanke.com
It’s refreshing to hear the truth. We all know the truth. We live it everyday with our friends, coworkers, family. People get emotional, feel sad, angry, timid, unsure, grumpy.
It passes, but it’s the truth.
zipstyleseattle.com
You are an inspiration, not just for our wardrobes but also for our daily lives. Take whatever path and time you need, and know that whatever you decide to share with us will be a blessing to the blogosphere. I hope your light stays strong!
This is why I've been coming to your blog for years. You are the most refreshing blogger out there. Thank you.
You are amongst friends, and I hope you feel our support through the world wide web. Your blog brings a lot of joy to a lot of people, but the most important person you need to be concerned about bringing joy to is yourself. You rule.
I was that kid that wrote emo poems and in my college years had extreme anxiety, and as an adult still struggle with depression and anxiety. Thank you for sharing this part of you with us. There are so many people out there who know how you feel and are supporting you.
Thank you so much for this. I've been a lurker for a little while, but I wanted to express how much I appreciate your honesty, and I'm glad you have made steps to get help. Your bravery really helps others, including myself, feel like they aren't alone with their own anxieties or struggles.
http://startingwithaspark.com
I was 5 months pregnant with my first and only child when my mom died of breast cancer. My husband and friends used to think I was ok with an occasional 'bad' day. In reality, I was depressed EVERY day and occasionally had a 'good' day. Not until you have gone through depression can you truly understand what it feels like. How you CAN'T just 'snap out of it'.
I have been a long time reader of your blog and I have never commented on a blog before, but I wanted to commend you for your post. It's a very difficult thing to talk/write about for sure! I wish you all the best and thank you for sharing.
(Therapy and Zoloft helped me through that rough period)
This is such a well written post, even though it must have been so hard to write. I’m sorry to hear you have been struggling so much, but mostly I am just happy to read that you are feeling strong enough to share, that is a huge step for you. I hope you continue to see more light in the dark shadows and that you post whatever you want on the blog and whatever makes you happy. There is so much to worry with on the shop, don’t let the blog add to your worry too. But mostly, just continue to get better 🙂
Thank you for sharing that. I don't find inspiration in just the clothes you wear, or your hard work and dedication to your store – it's in everything you write (especially the "bad" puns that I love so much). I hope more light streams into the shadows for you.
Lots of love and hugs to you.
Thank you for sharing, Kendi! Your bravery means so much to us. Also I can totally relate, and this post came at a really good time for me. Good luck with finding more balance in your life. You have so many supporters!
Honesty is a beautiful accessory. We don't just come for the clothes, we come for you & I for one am honored that you opened up and let us in. Makes us all feel more normal & that being real & vulnerable is just as beautiful as the clothes we wear
I'm glad we have those poems in common. Thank you for the support, friend.
Last week, for the first time I was able to tell people that despite everything being good in my life (yes, there is stress, but everything is good), the physical pain that depression causes was just too much to bear. All I wanted to do was cry, but I instead reached out and am getting the help I need.
Thank you so very much for your words. I'm so happy you're getting the help you need.
Here's to sunshine AND rain.
Behind you all the way, Kendi! I know the feeling of depression and have dealt with it for a long time, but just know you're supported here on the interwebs! I love the funny stuff but this stuff is important too!
This message hits home to me. I am grateful for your honest words and I am here because of more than just clothes. You’re an inspiration to me that with hard work, one can achieve great things. I am trying so hard to remember to stay in the moment and it’s really hard! But I’m taking even more inspiration from you for being able to be honest with us because I’m not being so honest in my own life. Trying to juggle career, school, family and it is taking a toll on me. So thank you for reminding me that I’m not on an island. I hope that you find more light in those shadows.
I don't know you, but I have a strong suspicion that you are absolutely amazing. I completely relate to your mental health history (sad poems in a closet at my parents' house, check, emo music for my 20s, check) and to your ambition. I recently decided to step away from my PhD program because it was all too much and I decided I'd rather focus on the rest of my life. You have to put yourself first; no one else will.
I love your blog and everything you have to write. I look and dress nothing like you and wouldn't even be able to fit into anything you sell at Bloom, but I still love looking and admiring the outfits you put together, the combinations you create that I would never think to.
Thank you for sharing more with us. I hope it helps you and I hope you feel freer to share more going forward.
I look up to you so much. You are honest, strong, hardworking, beautiful, funny, and have great style. You inspired me to start my own blog and reach for my dreams. Thank you for sharing.
Depression is a witch to deal with. Take care of yourself. *Hugs*
Sending love + hugs your way, pretty.
You’re not alone.
As someone who has battled depression, I feel you and totally feel for you. I think it takes bravery and courage to share this about your life and I’m so happy you did. You must allow yourself to heal and get better. I’m such a type A personalty and sometimes feel like there’s only way to do things and usually push myself to my limit much too often. I don’t hear the little voices in my head that tell me to slow down instead I go go go until I hit a wall. If you’re not well, nothing else matters. Take care of yourself! Much love!
And on a funnier note…my hubby and I were traveling 6 hours with our 1 year old to see family. I get extremely anxious when things are out of the norm, aka, my whiney son in a car ride. I went to get a drink in a gas station because it was my turn to drive and the attendant told me my total which was $2.05…I sat staring at the change in my wallet and couldn't think if a nickel was 5 cents! The attendant looked at me, and asked if I was okay. I looked back at him, clicked that a nickel is 5 cents and said, yes, but I am just traveling with a 1 year old. sigh! you are not alone!
I LOVE your honesty and your ability to use your blog as a platform to elevate our 'conversation' to things that are a bit deeper than pleated skirts. you are truly an inspiration. bravo.
Thank you for sharing your struggles. I also am dealing with depression and anxiety and know how hard it is to talk about. I've followed your blog for years and felt like it had changed in the last while – a little more distant. I'm glad to hear that you are getting the help you deserve.
You are truly inspirational! The things that you have struggled with is something that hits very close to home. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings. Being only 16, you have become someone who I look up to! You are such a strong and courageous person. Again, thank you so much for opening up to us!
Kendi-
Judging by the number of comments, you are not alone in this. I read this entire post with tears in my eyes. I too have suffered from anxiety and depression since my teens, and the way you explained it is exactly what it feels like. Although I don’t know you personally, I think you are a brave, intelligent, beautiful, and strong person. It takes a lot to share something like this, but please know that you are not alone. I’m so glad that you have people in your life that are there for you because that’s really what is most important. Please take care of yourself, your health and happiness are what matter most!
Ironically I just had a text with my oldest son whose best friend is also living (or not as the case may be) with depression about what a sad and frustrating thing depression is for the person dealing with it and those whose heart it breaks to see them suffer. Thank you for sharing and to keep the dialogue going. I know you helped many people today and that will come back to you in positive and wonderful ways.
Wow! Thank you for sharing. I hope that post was cathartic for you. A friend of mine shared this and, since I enjoy her blog, I thought I would check it out. Needless to say, I was on the edge of my seat the entire post. You sound like such a creative and talented young woman and I hope your journey with this disease/condition brings you to a better place. Much luck to you. I am sending prayers your way.
I spend a huge portion of my day reading blogs and writing my own. Yours is hands down my favorite. I can always depend on your blog to make me laugh, and I've been almost envious of your never-ceasing humor. But this made you "real," and I respect and love (in a non-creepy way) that you did this. I'm cheering for you at the top of my lungs!
Kendi, I own a boutique in Myrtle Beach, SC and I have been a dedicated reader for about three years now–I honestly do not know how you do it! I too work seven days a week at the store and I'm lucky if I have enough time to wash my hair in the morning (curling is completely out of the question)–yet, you still manage to look amazing everyday! Being a control freak and being your own boss can create an everyday battle with yourself; never content with what you have and always aiming to improve, it's stressful and it's hard to take a step back and look at what you have. You should be incredibly proud of your accomplishment, you own a boutique (an adorable boutique) and that is HUGE!!
Most people don't realize how much work goes into that, all the stress of having to go to market and pick out clothes months in advance, not knowing how customers will respond to them–or all the bills and stress that go along with the store: insurance, electricity, and paying that horrible sales tax! All they see is how fabulous your store is and how cute you look everyday. It's okay to be sad and stressed and feel completely overwhelmed with life, especially when you already have the added pressure that you put on yourself by being a perfectionist! I TOTALLY understand. But you should know that while you may have your perfect vision of what you want Bloom to be (it may already be your dream store but if you are the over-achiever I am, I'm sure you have a "goal dream store") Bloom is fantastic already and I have said to myself a thousand times "maybe one day my store will look like Bloom." So from one control-freak-boutique-owner to another, you should take a step back and bask in what you've already accomplished, because it is absolutely something to be proud of!!
Thank you for sharing this little part of your life with us. You are an inspiration.
Hannah | gallery. Boutique
http://www.facebook.com/galleryboutique
http://www.shopgallerystyle.com
Hi Kendi,
Your post struck a cord with me. I visit your blog for your beautiful clothes. The writing was ok, but I always felt that the words were different to that of other blogs. Like there was a lack of feeling to them. Not a criticism, just an observation, and I think this sums up why.
Take care of yourself. We will all still be waiting for you if you return to blogging, and so be it if you don’t!
Whilst some may not connect to the real you, that too is ok. Others will, and more often than not, a step backward will equate to several forward!
I very much respect your honesty. I hope that each day feels better and better and you find peace again.
Much love to you.
Xx
Cheering you on! Sending you light and love. This took courage and your courage rocks! Hang in there, it will get better and better.
Wow, Kendi. I've been following your blog for almost four years, and have always appreciated you for being positive and fun, but also for being real. Your posts have always been humorous, but with a bent toward being relatable in your personal fears and self-image. This can only add more depth for me and the rest of your readers. Thanks for being so brave and honest about what you've been through. We love the whole you – the style and the girl that wears it. That's true beauty, cliche as it sounds.
Kendi – You are so brave to share your struggles with depression and anxiety. I've dealt with it my entire life, and I really believe that the more we can be open about depression, instead of hiding it, the easier the healing will be. I like to say my depression is in "remission." In a way, it's sort of like alcoholism in that it is a disease I will always have, and there's always the possibility that it will come back. I think finding balance in our lives is key to keeping it in remission. I know that's hard to do when you're a smart, ambitious person–I used to be a total workaholic. I hope that you are able to find balance in your life.
I really recommend seeing a therapist in addition to going to your doctor. A therapist can help you work through your control issues and learn some coping techniques for handling your anxiety when you feel it coming on. They say that medication in combination with therapy is the best way to get rid of depression and keep it from coming back. Best of luck!
Oh, and by the way, I totally adore your blog. I haven't found a single other fashion blog that can even bat an eye at yours.
Thank you for sharing this intimate part of your life with the blogging community. I have also struggled with anxiety and panic attacks and am a firm believer that sharing is power! The more we realize there are others who go through similar struggles the better off we will be. The stronger we’ll be. You don’t have to do it alone! So thank you. For showing that someone as beautiful and successful as you has struggles too. I feel empowered.
Oh Kendi, I am so proud of you for sharing this. I rarely comment, but read your blog daily and love it. I too, write a blog (a interior design blog) and also went through a despression for some personal reasons just over a year ago. I had also suffered depression as a young adult, and feared it might come back. I actually stopped blogging for over 6 months, so I could get things back on track, and honestly, it helped. I now love the blog again, am doing much better and with the help of some good friends and family am doing fine. Not everyone understood what I went through (and I did lose a few friends in the process), but what mattered most to me, was my family and my good friends. Do what you need to do for YOU, and those people who matter will understand. The blog will always be here, the store will always be there, whats most important right now is YOU. Behind you all the way, a fan (and always will be!), Melissa 🙂
I've been reminded these days too that life isn't about the perfect. I love following your blog and others about making a "perfect" home, pinning every style, decor, crafty thing I can imagine–but lately I've been feeling the overload of the surface things and a need for the deeper things of life to fill my mind. I am 37, a professor for 3 universities, I homeschool my 2 young daughters, and somehow try to keep it all together. I suffer from anxiety and have recently have had some panic attacks too. Not fun.
In the midst of that, I've found that I need to lean on what holds me together. To be reminded of the why instead of the what. And to slow down. Thank you for sharing your experience, as it hit me just right today. I'm not sure where you're at with prayer, but I've found a lot of verses in the Bible and prayer in those moments just what I've needed to carry me through.
I wish you the very best!
Thank you Kendi. I'm a big fan of your blog, but I've always craved more from you. I often read your posts and think "I wish she said more. I wish I knew more about what she's like." You see, I read blogs not just to learn new things and get ideas, but to relate to people. I think all of your readers understand there is a real person behind the blog, and that is what we are looking for – REAL. I actually get annoyed when blogs try to present life or circumstances as perfect, because we ALL know it's NOT. So let it all hang out, because that's what we're waiting for!! Very best wishes, and looking forward to knowing and learning more about the real Kendi. 🙂
That was really brave of you to share this piece of your life with us. I thank you for that. Sometimes we look at these blogs and envy what amazing lives you must lead. After awhile bloggers can become almost like idols we place on pedestals. Posts like these remind us that you too are humans and have your down times as well. Stress is never good and sometimes we just need to step back and take a break. Just remember why you're working so hard and don't forget to enjoy those small life moments. I gotta say I love your blog. Your sense of humour and sarcasm kills me. Keep up the good work girl!
Wow, you are getting a million comments a minute! 🙂 Thanks so much for your vunerability. You are so lovable! As I read this, the first thing that popped into my mind is this book that I'm reading right now, "One Thousand Gifts" by Ann Voskamp. I'm only a couple chapters into it, but it's already changing my life. It's kind of a Christian book, and I don't know what your beliefs are, but, knowing your writing style and your zest for life, I think I you might love it like I do. And, don't let the cheesy title/cover fool you 😉
you. are. AWESOME.
praying for you from a far.
may God's peace and love reach down into the deep parts of your heart and soul and comfort and repair.
Thank you so very much for speaking on this..I have been up and down since my Mom died in 2007. I have not shared with anyone outside my immediate family because it can be hard to talk about.Thank you again…Many people are cheering you on….
Kendi, I don't follow you for your style or your clothes. Honestly, I could take 'em or leave 'em. I follow you for your candid, funny and smart self.
You capture what I admire about real life. Almost all other bloggers I follow have this veil through which their genuine nature hides. And the ones that put it at the forefront – well, it just feels feigned and forced. You strike that balance of the ordinary. And I mean that in a good way; normal and steady, ebbing and flowing. Life ebbs and flows.
Anxiety is one of the worst feelings – I had a conversation about it this very morning with my roommate. I would rather feel complete sadness because at least with sadness, there was a resolution. Anxiety doesn't have any kind of resolution which leaves our minds to fill in the gaps – perpetually shifting scenarios and questioning everything. It's a trap.
For what it's worth, I am finding that the more I trim back in my life – in all areas – the less anxious I am. For example, I used to be clothing-obsessed up until a few years ago and I slowly ditched it. It was overwhelming and kept me from enjoying the day-to-day. Now, I follow folks like you and I pin. I thrift/shop every now and then and keep my closet to the essentials with routine purges. My life is fuller. I am not saying this is a one-size-fits-all solution but it's my experience.
One of my favorite books – "The Road Less Traveled" by M. Scott Peck – opens with the line, "Life is difficult." Even those that look like they've got it all figured out are struggling. It's the great equalizer (aside from death, of course…and lines for the bathroom).
Kendi, I'm so terribly sorry that this is your struggle and your stretch of bumpy road but I know that you can come through. Lean on others, lean on yourself and keep writing those hard and clear things.
I can only imagine what dealing with something like this is like. I really admire you for sharing your story. I'm sure it'll help a bunch of people dealing with the same thing, as well as shed light on it for those of us who aren't. You've got so many supporters cheering you on, Kendi! Here's to a clean slate!
What an inspiring post. I know many who suffer from similar conditions (anxiety, primarily) and have seen just how much it can effect your ability to truly be "you." I think the wonderful thing about blog communities – at least for most of us – is that we LOVE "you" – whatever that might mean. I love your humor (and even this post had it, so it must be in there still) and your gorgeous expression of fashion. I think it's wonderful (and refreshing) that you took the time to talk about such a hard time in your life. I've been doing a little blog soul-searching lately, also, and need to remember (you just helped!) that it's not just about sales – or in my case "clicks" or "followers" – but that it's about having an outlet to express your [beautiful] creativity. So bravo!
xo
seemogo.com
Thank you a million times over for this post. I've dealt with anxiety and panic attacks for years and was only recently able to get the courage to ask for help. Knowing that someone I look up to deals with the same problems makes it just a little bit easier. I hope you are surrounded by love right now. You deserve it. Thanks for being brave.
Amazing post!!! I love your blog and have been following it for quite some time. I LOVE your writing, you are quite talented!!! Your writing is a huge part of why I read your post! Your wit, sarcasm, honesty – I love it!!! Ever thought of writing? Check out some of Julia Cameron's work, super helpful and healing for us creative people. Your healing process has begun!!!
…Trust me when I say I totally understand what you're saying! I've struggled with depression, anxiety and severe hypochondria almost my entire life. Unfortunately, in my country (Romania), people who suffer form depression and seek medical help are often labelled as crazy or weird, so imagine what I've gone through as a teenager, not being able to share my problems with anyone my age… Fortunately, my parents have always been there for me (smart people), and took my hand and took me to the doctor's office to get treated… It took several months of therapy and drugs to get me on my feet! I felt like I would never be able to have a normal life, yet here I am….Funny story, 5 years ago I had a panic attack while at the theater, I literally could't feel my fingers anymore…so I got up and asked people to let me out of the theater hall, I was crying, felt life I couldn't breathe …all actors on the stage stopped in the middle of the play. It was a wake up call. I knew I needed help!
Thank you for sharing! You're a wonderful person and I'm sure you'll be OK!
Hugs!
Mamalina
http://dresssidestory.blogspot.ro/
I wish I could give you a nice, long hug. Depression and anxiety are no joke. Love you Kendi! You are great – thanks for being so brave and honest.
Thank you for sharing this, Kendi! I've been following your blog for about 2 years. Yours is the only style blog I follow – ironically, since we don't have the same style. I think it is as much about the story and the great pictures as it is the clothes. You're a great writer. This post was helpful for me because I have been dealing with many of the same feelings – throughout my life, but I constantly have that voice that says "get back up and go" – even though half the time I don't even know where I'm "going" and certainly feel like "going". Thank you again for all you do. I hope you continue to feel better!
Hang in there! We all love you!
I would first like to say what an inspiration you have been to me. I absolutely love fashion, yours especially, and hope to own my own store one day. But more than that I appreciate the truth you share. Although the cheerful and witty posts are always fun, it takes courage and strength to share with so many people what's truly behind the funny posts and pretty clothes. While I love fashion, that's not what life is all about. When you can take the clothes and really touch someone you don't even know, that's what liege is about. So I would like to say thank you. Thank you for touching me, someone you don't even know, and I'm sure the many others who are following your journey as well.
This is powerful. Thank you for sharing and being authentic with your readers.
Thank you for being so brave! <3
Kendi, I've just picked up your blog in the last few weeks and here I sit, trying to keep face in this chaotic "perfect" life, red-faced and in tears. Thank you for sharing this, you are not alone. A lot of times I wonder how I can be so down, how I can feel so empty; I've got a wonderful life, my own small business, a supportive husband, an amazing family, and great friends. Yet I rarely stop to apperciate any of it, I just hurry around like a zombie. I'm really trying to stop and enjoy the small things; a cup of coffee on the porch in the morning, an evening walk with the hus, dinner with friends. But it is a struggle each and every day.
Depression and anxiety are issues that a lot of over-achievers in our generation deal with privately. We try so hard to juggle it all; when in reality, dropping a ball or two is probably for the best. I'm glad you wrote this, and I feel lucky to have read it.
I can totally relate to what you mean. It is really hard to share, online or with those around you, what you are going through if it isn't pleasant for fear of judgment or bringing them down. I struggle with this too but my boyfriend has always said "if you can't let those around you in, then they can't begin to understand because they don't know". It is hard because you feel completely vulnerable to whatever reaction they can have, good or bad. If it's good, great, but if it's bad, you have no way to protect yourself. But that's the risk you take in life, and, love you or hate you, you are you. No one else can do you better than you. Plus, I've found that more often than not, the ones around you instantly rally to support you once you let them.
You are incredibly brave for putting yourself out there like this and while I don't know you, I believe in you. Keep up moving forward and, for the record, this is probably one of my favorite posts to date.
Lots of love from Oklahoma!
Life is so hard. I have a completely different life than you and I feel this way many times: house keeping, meals, grocery shopping, house repairs, volunteer work, plus 3 kids. Life really is hard.
I hope my children take a loooong time to grow up.
Thank you so much for sharing. To be honest, being the same age as you and seeing only the side of you that has it all together – it's intimidating. I sometimes joke I'm in grad school to avoid making decisions about my future, but sometimes it's more truth than joke. I can't speak for anyone else, but I come here because you seem like an awesome, relatable person – and hearing (seeing?) you open up about all of you makes that even more true. Thank you for trusting us.
Kendi – Thank you for sharing and being real. 🙂
I was also going to mention "One Thousand Gifts," as Megan does above. It definitely is a push to pursue and acknowledge all of the GOOD that comes from above.
i am so glad you shared this. for several reasons. it feels good to let it go, right? and so many of us can relate to so much of what you have gone/are going through. i’ve really enjoyed reading your blog the last few years, but my favorite moments are where you are yourself: your beautifully imperfect self. we all have those thorns in our side, and knowing we are not alone is so refreshing to see in the blog world. as a 28 year old stay at home mom who deals with small children all day, it’s easy to let my mind to go to dark places. i pray god gives you peace. thank you again, kendi.
I feel your pain. Like you, my husband and I run and own a business together. Things can be hard. I'm constantly wondering if we have enough money, if bills have been paid, etc. It's a constant struggle. I could've spent 24 hours a day/7 days a week at work. I finally started to relax when I got pregnant. It took me getting pregnant to realize that I couldn't do it all and that i had to relinquish control. I think it's admirable that you wrote this on your blog. You have nothing to be ashamed of. It's actually refreshing. I read many blogs and constantly compare myself to these individuals that I live vicariously through. In their pictures they are always so happy and their clothes are perfect and their kids are perfect, blah, blah, blah. What I forget is that they are people too and they have problems and bad days too. It may not be apparent in their photo's but it's real life! I'm glad you are getting help and wish you nothing but the best!
You are inspiring, always. The honesty is refreshing and helps the rest of us who also struggle with similar issues. Thank you for sharing yourself with us. You are amazing!
Reading your story gives me a lot of hope. I suffer from pretty severe anxiety, and I have let it take control of my life. I moved to a new city and, rather than throwing myself into it and meeting new people, I've become a shut-in. I go to work (and shopping of course), but that is about it. Seeing how many great things you've brought into your life, despite your depression, gives me hope that I can do the same. Thanks for sharing, and I wish you the best.
Thank you for being brave enough to share. And I expect you'll find a lot of comments like this one, which is that I have also had plenty of hard struggles with anxiety and depression at various points in my life.
Working harder than everyone else is a curse sometimes, because it makes you feel guilty when you need a break, when you can't keep up that pace any more.
However! Don't feel guilty. You haven't failed. Give yourself permission to slow down. It will get better. You're not alone. Lots of us empathize, we think you're awesome, and we're definitely not going away just because the blog isn't always rainbows and sunshine and pretty clothes:)
Thank you so much for sharing. I read a few fashion blogs and I've always thought that the writers seem to have these perfect lives, all wrapped up in a bow, young and beautiful and perfect, and though on one hand it's inspiring, it often makes me feel like my life isn't good enough – like I'm not good enough. Sharing something so real and hard makes you so incredibly human to me, and it makes me feel a little bit better about my own anxiety/imperfections as well. I will continue to be a faithful reader – thank you for being so brave, for sharing your heart. I am so glad you are on the road to recovery. Keep looking for the light!
Kendi, so thankful for your honesty. As someone who also struggles with depression and anxiety, I completely relate to your suffering as well as to the difficulty in sharing. Sometimes it seems easier to put on a happy face for everyone else, but ultimately that's just unfair to yourself. I pray for better days (or even just better moments) ahead.
So I never commented, but since I discovered your blog a year ago, I read it all. Your blog is awesome not just your style, but your comments too. It's YOU that makes this blog so fun to read. Keep being you! Wish you the best from Argentina.
you sweet brave girl.
so proud of you for being honest. i think deep down that is what we all crave. those honest, true relationships. the good the bad the ugly. praying for you.
xo
I hate that you're going through that horrible thing so many of us know all too well. But I love that you wrote so honestly about it. Depression is a bitch and one of the worst things about it is the manipulation. It shames you, consumes you, and fills you with doubt. But you're right, it works in the shadows of the night and in the quiet corners of your heart. Stepping forward and forcing it into the light is the strongest move you can make. I'm proud of you and so grateful.
Sending you love and light…. thanks for being a part of my daily routine that I always look forward to.
Oh goodness. This breaks my heart for you. But can I say BRAVO for getting this out there?! And in such a beautiful way! From the quote to the words you chose to write… it was all very real, raw and so well written. Thank you for sharing and may you continue to heal. And relax. And find your happy place. I pray you will.
Haha I do that with change all the time in the shop! I don't have a one year old but lots of people stress me out. When someone gives me cash, it takes me a second and I always question what is going on in my head. Should I be worried that as an adult I can't make out change? But change is hard, okay? 🙂
So brave in being honest. Good luck and God speed in your journey
Kendi, your post was beautiful…and you are so brave and honest, that I find it really inspiring! I also struggle with balancing ambition with dissatisfaction and finding happiness in satisfaction while still wanting so much more. I have to remind myself every day to step back, breathe, and be thankful. I'm so glad to hear that you are feeling better and hopeful that soon, you won't see any shadows at all. You are an amazing person and a wonderful writer…and as much as I love your clothes and fashion, I do come to this blog for YOU. Thanks for sharing and wiping the slate clean. Can't wait to move forward together!
XOXO
http://www.butshoppingmakesmehappy.blogspot.com
thank you for sharing this side of your life. i understand that it definitely wasn't easy but I'd like you to know that you've touched my heart. I rarely ever post comments but I thoroughly enjoy reading your blogs to be honest you're the only fashion blog who's writing i bother reading! and Your words today have given me a new purpose I've been battling inner demons and struggling with constantly bettering myself and my life with no success! and "your little engine that could" attitude despite of struggling has given me new hope and a new drive. I want you to realize that as a reader I cherish your words and I for one am so incredibly proud of not only what you've achieved in the last 5 years but also proud of you for speaking out about your struggle. Its inspiring and I pray for you to not be bogged down with the inner turmoil that resides in each of us. I wish you the best of luck and most importantly I wish you good health, prosperity and buckets of happiness! 🙂 thank you once again for sharing more of your not so perfect life and giving the rest of us some new found hope and a closer look at who you are a person.
Love,
Trishna
I just started to write a whole comment to this post but it was more like rambling than a nicely composed comment. So I'm starting over again 😀
I think you are very very brave to share this with all of your followers! And I would like to thank you for doing so, you were an inspiration to me and you still are. I always have to smile when I read your ironic-not-taking-yourself-all-to-seriously-posts and I had no idea that you have been going through such dark times.
But the fact that you do, and the fact that you are so brave to share it with all of us is really inspiring.
I don't really know what's a good thing to say to end this comment so I hope this next line is ok:
I hope you find the strength to get through this. But if you are having a hard time with it, think about all of us, your supporting readers. Think about your husband, your mother and everyone else who loves you. But right now, just think about yourself and what you need. Everyone else can wait.
x Evi
I'm so sorry about your mother. That must have been extremely hard to deal with, and while you were pregnant.
I totally agree with you. I've felt like I almost have to convince people that no, really I'm depressed not just sad. I've had a lot of people mention therapy or counseling, so thank you for suggesting it. It might be something to look into!
Thank you again for your comment and encouragement.
I thank you so much for this post. I appreciate your honesty, putting yourself out there and sharing something so personal. What I love most about blogs are getting to know the people behind all the pretty pictures so thank you for giving us both.
– Jaime
Thank you for being honest, bare, and candid. This post hit so close to home for me. Currently the darkness is taking over for me and last week after crying daily I've decided it's time to seek help.
Anxiety and depression are tough hurdles to jump. Especially when they're stacked on top of each other. I wish you nothing but the best as you get help.
The only person you have to impress is yourself; you've already impressed everyone else.
Thank you for sharing this Kendi. A lot of the blogosphere is all sunshine and glitter and when posts come out on "real" feelings they are often overbearing and exaggerated. You've written a beautiful piece and the fact that you did it today meant that you've turned a proverbial corner… you still have mountains to climb but that's life. Take a deep breath and take pride in what you've accomplished today. I love Kendi Everyday for the clothes but I admire your life! I'm looking forward to getting to know you better.
Thank you for sharing this. It is a brave thing you just did and I respect you so much for it. By openly ackowledging something in your life that so many other women are secretly going through – you make the fight that much easier to handle.
Thank you. From the bottome of my heart.
Kendi thank you for your tender vulnerability. Your blog is a huge part of my life, and I'm thankful to have met you. It was on my bucket list 😉 You are so warm and inviting, and sharing this on your blog makes you even more so. You'll be in my thoughts and prayers as you take time to heal.
oh man, girl. this was great, seriously. and totally unexpected, which makes it even better.
i am a blogger myself – a strictly comedic and irreverent blogger – but suffer from intense anxiety and have since i was a kid. only just recently has it come to a head in the last few months and i decided to take hold of it and see the right people and get on the right medication to help me out of my slump. it’s a scary, shitty thing to talk about, especially to an audience whom you aren’t sure will judge you or not.
but the fact of the matter is that 9 out of 10 people feel all of these things, whether they know it or not. the first step is recognizing what it is you’re dealing with… then DEALING with it.
i’m proud of you and admire you deeply. just do whatever it is you need to do to feel better. you’re #1.
love,
emma
http://www.emmasthing.com
Kendi thank you so much for writing this. I am a blogger and I too have struggled with depression. I started my blog as a way out of my depression. I had my first bout of it when I was 19 and then again a few years ago at 30. I wish more people talked about depression – since I truly think it is something more people suffer from than is known. There is still a bit of shame and stigma to it that needs to be done away with. Thank you for being so honest and open about it.
Thanks for sharing, Kendi. As much as I come here for your amazing, creative outfits, I do come to hear your voice and little stories. Hang in there. Sounds like you're headed on the right path.
Kendie, Thank you for sharing your experience with us. As someone who suffers from anxiety and panic attacks, I know how hard it can be to put those feelings into words or share with large groups of people. Despite the pain you have been feeling, your blog has continued to be a fun, happy, light place to visit daily. Sending you smiles!
Thank you for sharing! Everyone has hardships! I lost my mom earlier this year. This year has been hard. But there’s light at the end of tunnel. I truly believe happiness is a choice. And its up to us to try and stay positive and see the good. Thanks for sharing! Love your blog!
Thank you for sharing this, Kendi!! Your honesty and vulnerability is encouraging to me and all of the other women out there who have been down the road of depression.
Thankful for your willingness to open up here on the blog. Praying for you as you move forward with the store, with life and with overcoming the darkness that keeps creeping in.
Kendi, your post brought tears to my eyes. I look forward to your posts, saving them for a treat to myself every afternoon when I put my two toddlers down to nap. You are my friend, even though we are strangers. Thank you for your honesty. I hope the sky clears soon, sweet girl. Sending you love…
Thank you. I think so often depression and anxiety are met with eye-rolls and sort of a "just be happy" type response because people don't often understand how very real it is and how much it can effect your daily life. So much of what you said rang true to my own struggles and I think you should be ridiculously proud of yourself for your honesty and bravery.
You're absolutely right about dissatification vs. ambition-I'm pretty sure I have been fighting this same battle for the past few months!
I absolutely love your blog-fashion or no fashion. I hope you feel like you can achieve your clean slate (or at least just a little bit) and keep moving forward 🙂
Thank you for sharing your story Kendi, you are an inspirational, talented and strong woman. Sharing your story only make you stronger. Love you and Hugs. Feel better.
My comment is very similar to another in that I can relate to your feelings and yet, I’m NOT a business owner. I’m a former elementary school teacher turned stay at home mom of 3, one of whom is a teenager. I go to sleep and wake up hoping that I don’t mess them up too bad. I’ve never experienced a panic attack (I don’t thing) but the feelings you wrote sound eerily familiar. You’re not alone. And as an older reader/follower (I’m 41), I think you are special and look forward to hearing about YOU in your sweet corner of the internet. Take care of you…
There is something profoundly comforting in reading something that I could have written about myself in such a public forum. I am always sad that other people suffer in the same way that I have, but glad when people are willing to be open about it, so that we do not all need to feel quite so alone. Thank you for your honesty, and I hope that you are able to be gentle with yourself in the way that so often eludes us.
Thank you for sharing, you really are amazing and I wish you well xx
Thank you so much for sharing. I know how scary it can be to tell people about the not so shiny things in your life. If something negative happens in my life, I don't talk about to anyone (excluding my husband.) It's as though by not sharing, I can pretend it's not real. I also had my first panic attack this year, on the bus on the way to work, worrying over blood clots (and I am an obscenely healthy, 29 year old.) It was terrifying, I thought I was having a stroke as everything grew hazy and my heart was racing and I felt ice cold. All I could think was I have to get off this bus. There is so much pressure on young women to be successful, beautiful, driven, happy, and uncomplaining. I think we are afraid for others to see us as anything less. We know we are not perfect, but we are all striving for perfection.
Mj —
I don't think we realize how much stress it puts on us to move to a new city and start a new job. That's a lot of stress, but it's like we just accept it as life now and keep moving forward. It took me a good 18 months (so like until right now) to get used to our new town and get used to our new schedule and job. For me at least, my anxiety stems from stress and I didn't let myself deal with stress, so the anxiety grew.
Be patient and stay strong. Enjoy your life, even if it's just something small at first. You're in my thoughts.
Hi Kendi, I always read your blog but hardly ever comment – well I think this time is special… every time I check your pages with my friends it always strucks me how positive and joyful and light your attitude is. I love fashion and I have often held back from the idea of opening/trying a blog at the thought 'no, I'm not that kind of person, I'm too 'heavy', obscure, gloomy.' Now I 'see' this side of you and it makes me think …we are all alike, and we all have to abide with the idea this is a normal part of life, and a part of creative and sensitive people especially. You have these wonderful gifts of creativity and you will find a better balance, in a way that will always help you not destroy, but live with your dark side. Sometimes I think of that great quote by Joni Mitchell "chase away the demons, and they will take the angels with them" and it gives me the strenght to keep going. And don't you see how many wonderful friends you have around you?
Cheers from Italy
Just wanted to share an e-hug. Thank you for sharing and we're all thinking of you.
We love you, Kendi.
This took a lot of courage. I'm proud of you! Trust that your story is helping so many others who are in the same boat. Cheers to your bravery, Kendi!
This is a beautiful, authentic post. Thank you for sharing with us and being real. I just read a great quote by a recovering alcoholic that said "the greatest shock of my life was to discover that the exposure of the very secret I thought would kill me brought me the greatest relief. It turns out that when you give up on looking good, no one can make you feel bad."-Heather Kopp
It takes courage to be honest and real. You and your husband will be in my prayers. Take all the time you need:)
Thank you for sharing your life. I'm glad you are feeling better and I hope you get to wherever you want to be.
I really, really admire the openness and honesty of this post. Reading it is kind of like being in my own head–I also suffer from depression and panic attacks, though I think I've finally gotten both under control. I blog about it sometimes, too–usually just before or just after a little mini-break from my blog.
Happiness may be a choice, but depression tends to take that choice away sometimes. It's important to remember that, otherwise you'll just beat yourself up for feeling bad.
I'm glad to hear you've gone to the doctor. Medication sucks, I know, but sometimes it's the best option. Sometimes it's the only option. Go easy on yourself, even if it means taking a few days off from the blog! We'll all be here when you get back, I promise.
Thank you for sharing & being honest. I'm sure that was really tough to write! there are a lot of us that relate. and you opening up means a ton to us. so thank you.
I don’t know how you’ll read all the comments. My guess is it will take you quite some time, but I want to say….thank you. Thank you for being a voice that many people can’t choose to be. I found myself in you saying that you laugh and joke to remind yourself of who you use to be but that you can’t really because it’s not you anymore. I do the same thing. I think that this is the world we live in now. I think the majority of people feel the same you do. It’s probably the reason psychology as a profession is exploding. We seek to improve our lives, and to keep up with ‘The Jones’s” to a point that it wreaks havoc on all of our lives. I think our society as a whole needs to hit the reset button and take a step back, evaluate what REALLY matters in life. I love clothes and fashion as much as the next person, but we all know that truly is not the key to happiness. I hope you find some healing over the coming weeks. You’re a beautiful person, Kendi. Huge hugs from Wisconsin.
very courageous of you to post this Kendi, kudos. thanks for sharing. brighter days ahead!
Thanks for sharing Kendi! Know that you aren't alone in your struggles and challenges. I'm so glad you are getting help, speaking to a professional will only help and give you insight into coping techniques and new ways of thinking.
I love reading your blog and the quirkiness you provide. This post was especially moving, so know that we readers love all the content you provide. No matter how deep or lighthearted it is.
xoDonna
http://www.soyouagree.com
what a brave, honest, and beautiful post. thank you for sharing! i admire you more than ever.
and you're still funny:)
sweetheart, i don't know you personally, but i love you already, and this makes me love you even more.
"I've confused ambition with dissatisfaction" – man, if that's not a mistake i've been making too. thanks for putting these thoughts into words.
wishing you a ton of love and support, j
Thank you for sharing. Your story hits close to home. And style blog or not, hearing the real life experiences lying under, over and in between the fab looks, makes you real and even more likeable.
Long time reader, first time commenter – this makes me love you even more, Kendi!
Thanks for sharing the rain. It helps others see the rainbow + the sun and at some point you will again, as well.
As someone who knows what it's like to hide something dark for most of my life, I am so grateful that you took a chance and shared this with the world. I have been following your blog for a while now because I love your unique voice and style. This reminded me that, in a world where so much can be left virtual and superficial, there is a real person typing those words and posing in those pictures. And look at the response you've gotten — currently over 200 comments from so many of your readers who admire your bravery, love what you do, and relate to what you're going through.
One thing I feel the need to say: You said that you've hated the idea that "happiness is a choice" because it means that you are responsible for it rather than your environment. You're right, that's scary as all get out. But it also gives you huge power. We can't always control what happens in our life, including illness both mental and physical. But we CAN control what we do with it. You might find that by taking this leap and others in the future that your happiness is made all the richer by the fact that YOU took control of it. Even if it's just a "little" thing, like smiling through your tears. That didn't happen because of the sun or trees or anyone else — YOU did that. YOU smiled. YOU chose joy. Give yourself permission to own that.
Thank you again. I hope you and yours stayed safe during the storms last night. Blessings.
That is an excellent quote. I'm stealing that one from you. Hope you don't mind!
Just spent a half an hour reading comments people have left for you. There is a ton of love here. You are so inspiring. Your blog puts a smile on my face, and what do you owe me? Nothing. I hope some of these comments are able to put a smile on your face. I hope you continue feeling a little better every day. We all may have came for the cute outfits (which you deliver, every.time) but we stayed for you Kendi! Thank you for sharing.
It took a lot of guts to share this. Thank you.
I am so glad you wrote this. It’s amazing. I read people’s blogs all the time, and I always think “wow, why can’t I be as perfect and amazing as these people? Everyone else is beautiful and intelligent and funny and successful, and I’m such a loser.” It’s so inspiring when you find out that you’re not the only one with life-long anxiety, with depression, with self-doubt or any other problem. I used to feel so guilty about my depression, like I was weak. Having to take medication was my secret shame – why couldn’t I just snap out of it, just look on the bright side, use yoga or some natural remedy or something? But hearing from other people’s experiences really does help – it makes you realize that you’re not weak, you’re not alone, and there’s nothing to be ashamed of. If you need medication, take it. If you need a therapist, go to one. Whatever you need to live your life the way you want to. You deserve to be happy, whatever it takes to get there.
thank you for sharing. I think many of us can commiserate with you. I know you know that stress can be the root of so many physical and emotional turmoils. I am glad that you are seeking help for your depression.
Hi Kendi,
Thank you for being so honest and open with this hard time in your life. I have suffered from depression off and on for the last 10 years and have had to be on medication for most of those years. For the first year and a half I kept my depression to myself as I sunk deeper and deeper into a black hole within myself. Finally realizing to get help was the first step to getting my life and my soul back. While everyone's experience with depression is different I can say that at least a little bit, I know how you feel, and what you are going through, and please know that you are loved and you have so much support from people you have never met. First be true to yourself, do and say what feels right, when it feels right and everything else will follow. I hope that you feel better soon and that your soul will be smiling in no time. Best wishes. xoxox
Christine
it takes a lot of courage to share what you just shared, in such a public space. so, thank you. i admire you for sharing and taking the steps you need to feel better. good for you. you have a lot of people rooting for you, so just know that.
You’re so awesome. really. And I’m so glad to see more of Kendi-ness. I’m one of those that follows the blog not just for the funny words that accompany amazing outfits I could never dream up, but also because you’re so stinkin’ fun! I hope that each day is brighter from here on out. 🙂
Wonderfully said. Brave and true. And probably exactly what I needed to read as I face my own health challenge. Good for you for taking care of yourself and know I'm cheering for you my own little corner of the world.
Hey! I don’t even know how to begin. First, let me introduce myself. I’m Heloisa, 19 years old and I’m from Brazil. A few months ago I ended up here, possibly through another blog I can’t remember. I finished high school in 2010, but I almost didn’t because of depression and anxiety. To shorten it all, lately in 2011 I discovered how a panic attack can be awfull and the worst experience of my life, and it happened again and again… I’m better now, but I’m not studying or working because of my social anxiety. What do I do with all of my free time? Between normal things like going to the dentist twice a month because of my braces, two sessions of therapy a week… I read blogs. A LOT of them. Fashion, cosmetics, everything. Anyway, we never know how much someone is struggling and covering it all with fake smiles. Through the photos, I thought “Damn, this woman has a great style, it’s married, has a great sense of humor and has a store… And I’m here, standing still for two years.” I’m not happy to know about that part of you life, but that doesn’t mean I don’t care. I’m interested and I’m here to say you’re not alone. Unfortunately, a lot of people have depression/anxiety disorder nowadays, even a kid (!). You just become a inspiration to me, to try to do more of my life, to put more effort and have a project. I’m a control freak too, but I need to learn how to deal with it and not stay on my house with the fear of failing at every-damn-thing.
Thanks very much for sharing this side of your life. You have all my respect and admiration. I’m sending lots of love to you and to the other girls who commented here to say they are in this with us. We can fight this, we are more strong than we think and we will win this war. Believe me and belive in yourself, darling. Take care! xoxo
Here I am again just to add a note: I’m sorry if I sounded kind of selfish yesterday with my comment. When I start to talk about myself it takes a lot for me to stop… I forgot to mention the most important part. We need to allow ourselves mentally and physically to feel the good and the bad. Everyone have dark days/dark moments in life, and we need to respect this. Take a break, give your mind and body some rest whenever they ask you to. It’s completely ok to feel down, nobody has the right to judge you for that, not even you. Just don’t give all of yourself to it and don’t give up. The waiting period is REALLY hard, it sucks and you feel like it would never end, but I PROMISE you: it gets better. Hang in there, you took the most precious step (and one of the hardest) and searched for help. I won’t forget about you on my prayers. x
Thank you for this post. It's so nice to know we aren't alone, even if it doesn't help much. I completely sympathize and it's only in the last few weeks that I see myself actually coming out of it. It's interested… I went to a concert Sunday night and the opener had a song about depression that I really empathized with, until he got to the chorus and began singing about returning to the man he used to be. But it isn't a return to who I used to be. I think I'm coming out of this a better, stronger person, but it makes me wonder how long I'd been suffering with a milder version of what I went through in the last year.
Good luck and lots of love from a long time follower!
I too have a relationship with anxiety. So much so it became debilitating. Of course I hid it from the world. But once I spoke out I realized that there are so many of us that suffer from depression and anxiety. So many of us that feel shame in what is happening to us. But I realize that I am actually a stronger person for speaking out than staying silent and acting as if my life is perfect. So bravo to you for speaking out on your public forum and sharing your story. Every time I hear someone else's story I take comfort in knowing I am not the only one who struggles and things do get better.
I genuinely admire your courage and will continue to read your blog…be it about life, style and everything in between. Cheesy, but leaving a quote feels appropriate. Here's to taking a step forward:
"If you don't go after what you want, you'll never have it. If you don't ask, the answer is always no. If you don't step forward, you're always in the same place."
–Nora Roberts, American author
Kendi,
Am in tears. Thank you so much for sharing this, such a courageous & brave thing to do.
I started to come to your blog about two years ago, and first it was to see your outfits (still is), but as time went on, it has been more to read your witty words and to get a little glimpse of your personality in each post. You have a lovely way of expressing yourself and your personality shines through in every post.
Yours is my favourite blog, and now even more so, thank you xx
I really appreciate your honesty in this post and even if you encourage one person who struggles with the same feelings to share with others in their life to get help, it was worth it.
Thank you!
My favourite thing on the internet today. I love your outfits – but I love your authenticity even more.
Oh Kendi… Kudos to you for finally finding the courage to share this. And I'm glad things seem to be on an upswing and hope they continue to be that way. All of my favorite blogs share the sunshine along with the rain, thank you for finally sharing the rain with us again. We're here for you! (As silly as that sounds 🙂 )
I understand very much what you are going through. As a young person there is a sigma about depression and anxiety. I have been dealing with it for many years. People don't know I'm on medication for my panic attacks and depression. When they find out they are always so surprised and say "but you seem to have everything so put together" Sometimes how we look on the outside doesn't reflect us inside at all.
I love the voice of your writing – and have since the first time I visited your site. I always saved it til last of my blog rounds because it was my favorite:) So glad you took the opportunity to be forthcoming with your audience about the stress and struggles. Dedicated readers will empathize and encourage and wish you the very best in everything you do. Thanks for being an entertainment and inspiration! I’m only sorry I never stopped by your store while I still lived in Dallas! Take care!
Thank you for sharing your story. I am so glad that you are feeling better. You are a strong a beautiful person. Peace be with you.
Thanks for sharing this stuff with us. I'm ashamed to admit it but I have occasionally used your "perfect" body/life to shame myself for not having it "together" or told myself that if I can manage to lose weight and have cute outfits I will be as happy and cute as you are. It is good to know you are human and to understand why sometimes your posts rang a little hollow and the cheerfulness sounded a little forced. I'm not happy you are sad, I'm happy you are the multidimensional gal I wish I could be friends with in real life after all. Here's to letting the secrets out and letting the light in. Here's to you finding out that we are here for YOU. 🙂
Thank you for sharing and opening up – That is what good friends do- thanks for being a good friend to all of us. Its great that you are taking care of you first- the rest just seems to fall into place after that. All the best to you – Know that you are supported and loved!
I repeatedly come back to your blog primarily for your story, because it's such a treat when you let us in. It seems like you've dipped your toes in the water of writing this post a few times over the last year and a half, but I now see that you weren't ready to reveal all. That's perfectly okay! This is your journey, and we're just here to support you. I know exactly what anxiety and panic attacks feel like. Finding coping skills of the non-wine and French fry variety are scary and tough, but will ultimately help you. Thank you for sharing with us, Kendi!
Thank you so much for sharing with us. I know that sharing about such things takes a lot of courage! And, as someone who has been there, know that you are not alone. I also have a blog and had been hesitant to share about my own struggles for fear or whatever- I guess just trying to save face. In reality, we’re all human and you’ve accomplished so much at such a young age! That is definitely something to boast about! Hugs to you.
Long time reader but first time commenter. I wanted to say thank you, and I understand. Your struggles are different, yet I can very much relate. I too go through panic attacks and then don't want to leave the house for awhile. I am so glad you shared this because I believe it will be the first step on the path to healing.
Hey Kendi, long, long time reader here, and I'm so happy that you've decided to open up, if it's what you needed.
I guess it might be because I'm nosy, or curious, or just interested in others (or a loser), but I love hearing about the personal lives of bloggers. When I find a new blog, I scour it for hints on their lives, children, birthdays (not a stalker, I swear, it's what I like reading about), and you have, as you said, little by little left less and less of theses snippets. All this to say, I'm glad that you could tell us what's really going on, and that you feel safe enough to do it here.
Also, as a fellow shadow dweller who does her best not to show it most of the time, thank you.
OH GOD YOU BASICALLY JUST OUTLINED SO MUCH OF WHAT IS CURRENTLY IN MY HEAD. I struggle with anxiety and (mostly) seasonal depression and, like you appear to do, I hide that online under a cover of snark and jokes and make sure not to mention my problems (because who would want to hear them?!). I'm so glad you wrote this post – it was so brave of you to do. It's so encouraging to hear that others whom I admire struggle with the same things I do.
xo
Shay Lianna
myconfidenceandme.com
What a riveting read! You’re right – it’s not always about
the clothes, it’s about the shared experiences; the communion.
Thank you for sharing
Hi Kendi! First time commenter here. You are so brave my dear. I commend you for putting yourself out there (which is not an easy thing to do). Thank you so much for sharing this with us. This right here makes you more human. And you know what….this is life. It's not always rainbows and sunshine. People struggle. People face hardships. People go through depression, anxiety, panic attacks, phobias, fears, etc. And it's ok. It's part of being a human. No one is perfect and everyone faces obstacles in some way and some point in their lives. I'm sure you have touched and inspired so many people with your story. Good for you Kendi! P.S. All I can say is this too shall pass:)! Rita @ http://www.CoastWithMe.com
kendi,
if I replaced kendi in this blog post with jade, I'd be right there with you. i launched a new start-up and got married all in the same month. So many positive things but i was nervous, anxious, terrified about every little thing. it seemed like i wasn't doing enough even though i was working all the time. slowly it got better- it's still getting better.
also, my husband calls it a "hoodie day" when I don't want to get out of bed or feeling depressed. (i'm pretty sure there was an entire year that was hoodie day- but i also watched endless episodes of Law and Order SVU and that might have had something to do with it too) he tries to make it funny to lighten the mood and sometimes it works. i think just acknowledging it out loud makes the road to feeling better easier. I'm sure if you had a hoodie day, it'd be the cutest hoodie available. (mine was a dashboard confessional one.- yeah.) Take care.
That was very courageous Kendi. Thank you for sharing your heart with us.
Thank you for sharing this, Kendi. You may not view it this way, what you just did in this post is called courage. I'm sure it wasn't easy and might even feel weird for a time after, but you are better for having done it, and you are brave for having done it. Your experience can only shine light on something that is usually kept in the dark, and your readers are all better for it. You must know we are all rooting for you and wish you well.
Awesome post! I can relate to the middle of the night panic attacks. Pretty overwhelming.
Thanks for your insight and clarity.
Thank you, thank you, thank you. Just, thank you. From someone who has suffered with anxiety and bouts of depression for a very long time. Your transparency is a beautiful thing and has made me feel even less alone. I know how suffocating the darkness can be and it's really hindered my blogging, because it's so hard to be lighthearted when the darkness feels so thick. I am amazed at how you were able to stay positive on here, but thank you for sharing so much. I know it wasn't easy, but I hope you feel some sort of relief from sharing this. I'm sticking around no matter what direction the blog takes.
Sorry to hear of your struggles. I call the people on the blogs I read (fitness, style, celebrities) The Shiny People – normally blond, smiling, successful, pretty, etc. I have struggled a lot lately too. Then I stop and think about the people who see my Facebook page and they would call me one of The Shiny People. I was suicial over my teenage son's problems but thought of the impact it would have on my teenage daughter and started praying instead. I still have bad days but more good ones right now. I am blessed. Good luck.
Wow Kendi, I feel so bad for you going through this. I have pretty much always been a positive person. When Mum died I went into auto pilot, crying on my own or just with my husband. I hated the negativity from work colleagues when all I wanted to scream was 'I just lost my Mother, get over yourselves' while all the while smiling. But I have had one major panic attack and once was enough so I feel for you having had more than one. I don't know if happiness is a choice, but I think you just have to pause, look around and try to remember what is good in your life. There is always something, even if it is small.
I came here for the clothes, I love the way you put things together and you are such an attractive lady, it's become one of my favourites and I now enjoy reading all your have written alongside the stylish outfits.
I hope and trust that in time you will feel better and happier in your life. Lots of love xxx
Thank you for sharing! I've always hated that phrase "happiness is a choice too"…my parents used to drill that into me growing up. But I like your perspective of it being a choice to be present and thankful in whatever our current situation is! I can relate with keeping busy to mask how I'm really feeling and not letting anyone else know what's up. I recently got married to a man with a 12 yr old daughter (I'm 30) and have been having a reeeeeaalllly hard time with it! Feeling like I should be in the "honeymoon stage", but somehow feeling like that chapter was skipped?! Keeping busy and acting like nothing has changed has been my hiding place, my car with music blaring, tears streaming down has been my refuge! Your courage is inspiring and your story resonates with all of us! Thank you for sharing! I look forward to your posts daily no matter what they're about, it's fun sharing this gift called life with complete strangers and not feeling like a creepy stalker, but a good neighbor! 🙂
SO glad and proud of you for writing this! Being open and honest is so hard and something that I continue to struggle with doing in life. I've been following your blog off and on for a long time now (that humor of yours definitely had something to do with it!) and can't wait to read more now that you've posted this post. Not in weird way, but in a I-love-how-real-you-are kind of way.
And it's kinda funny, I just wrote another post about choosing joy and have read a few other blogger's thoughts on the same thing this morning. It must be in the blog water or something! 🙂
You are so brave to put this out there. I have struggled with this same issue for years. Sometimes it gets so debilitating it eclipses everything else in life. Thank you for sharing this — it's something I've never personally felt comfortable enough to do. I am so sorry you're feeling this way. It helped me to just accept it as part of my life, of who I am, and to treat it as best I can with medical help.
Thanks you. I have dealt with depression in some form or another since I was 12. Thank you for giving a face and a voice to this struggle. Please never just "shut up and wear the clothes". You're so much more.
Thank you so much for sharing your truth and letting us (your unwavering audience) in. It can be hard to find the timing to say how you really feel especially in a forum like a fashion blog that tends to focus on the pretty and the light in life. That being said, you are so brave for sharing this side of yourself and adding more depth to your excellent written voice. Looking forward to learning more about you and reminding myself to be present too! You go girl
So honored you shared this with all of us! I bet you feel good right now! So funny, but I always look at your blog and you seem to have it ALL. So effortlessly stylish. Well, even with a little depression, you are still that! I think you will find your following grow, grow from this and I wish you happiness. I hope that this releases something that brings more sunshine into your life. You deserve it!
Vikki
Ha! I do feel good right now. I am in a bit of astonishment actually at the feedback but it’s nice to read so much love. So much love, who knew??
Thank you for the sweet words.
This is the bravest thing I have read in so long. I’ve been reading your blog forever but I think this is the first time I’ve ever left a comment (reader fail – sorry about that!). I’ve been battling depression since my teens as well and I know how debilitating it can be. I just want to tell you that you’re doing all the right things by admitting your problem (out loud) and seeking help. I wish I had been as strong. You’re not alone in your struggle – but I’m sure you know that, as well as that it doesn’t make it any easier – and you deserve the time to figure out how to manage your illness and learn to breathe. Thank you for writing this, and for being exactly who you are.
Kendi, you are not alone. We all love you. I love your style, but I don’t follow style blogs (love clothes but don’t always love reading about them). I’ve always read your blog, though, because of you – I love the way you write and what you say and how your posts can always make me laugh. I had a job I left a while back because I had those dark corners creep into my life – I spent days in bed because of it. It’s a horrible feeling. I’m sorry you’ve felt that and that it’s crept into your life again. You’ve got a lot of people who, after reading this post, are going to send a lot of heartfelt well wishes, thoughts, and prayers your way. I hope you feel a bit of that buoy you up over the next few days.
Much love, Rachel.
Thank you so much for this post and your open honesty!
As a twenty year old who had her first panic attack in December and have struggled so much with embarrassment, fear, loneliness, and the crushing worries of future attacks, it is very calming to read your story. Not that I am at all glad you are struggling with this, but that it's real life to experience anxiety and depression, and it doesn't make you less of a person or life any less good.
Not what I would have guessed at all, but can totally imagine. I am more proud to read your blog than ever. Most of the creative and inspiring things in life come from the gray hues. I salute you and the silver lining you have found. Once you open your life up to the possibilities, the more happiness and fulfillment you will find. Lastly, you are so young!! You have done so much, take some time, pat yourself on the back and SMILE! YOU GO GIRL! I will continue to be back everyday, with zero pressure or expectation other than intrigue. Cheers, Dee
Kendi, thanks for sharing all of that! As a fellow blogger, I know how challenging it is to open up to your reader friends (I haven't really found the balance myself). Please know that opening a store and having a blog and doing everything that you are is such an amazing thing! You are funny, sweet, beautiful, and have great fashion sense and depression doesn't define any of that. 🙂 You will find your balance in managing it all. I support you and encourage you! Nothing like starting with a clean slate! 🙂
do you know how many bajillion blogs of pretty clothes there are on the web??? i come back to yours day after day because of your voice, your witty snippets and unintimidating affability (alright… and i like your clothes). i keep reading because of you, not the clothes.
i too am guilty of not sharing much in order to save myself from criticism. that post could not have been easy but, like you said, it’s nice to see a little of the “rain” in your life. i like your blog even better knowing you have some imperfections. best of luck to you, lots of hugs, and keep sharing! 🙂
Kendi, thank you for sharing this post. I am a dedicated reader and feel as though I’ve missed something if I haven’t read your blog daily. Your story of starting your own business and opening your own store amazes me, as my dream is to one day open up my own store also. You deserve a break and time to relax and reflect on your life…everyone does. What you do for yourself and for readers is amazing (as you will see in the many comments below). You are beautiful and talented and I wish you and your husband all the best!
I'm so glad you shared this post. As someone who has also struggled with anxiety, depression and panic attacks, I recognize the courage needed to publish your thoughts to a wide audience. I firmly believe the more open people are about their struggles, the easier it will be for us all to come out of the shadows.
You are never alone in this. We all love you… if you complain while you share your clothes, so be it. 😉 Everyone struggles. I'm going to share one of my favorite pins with you… http://pinterest.com/pin/128071183125930961/ "A smooth sea never made a skilled sailor."
Thank you for speaking so openly about this topic. It is only taboo because we struggle to have the courage you did today. My parents both struggled with mental illness, and I have always struggled with anxiety– I know the terrain well. I find that hearing someone else's story acts like a flashlight or a lightening bug on the way. We are better together!
Kendi, thank you for sharing your story. I read a few fashion blogs and your is by far my favorite. Your outfits, style and quirky writing make it a blog I come back to over and over. I also love that you seem real and down to earth, and this post confirms it. I am a 28 year old career girl and I struggle with panic disorder which gave way to depression. My anxiety last year was debilitating and awful…until I saw a counselor and a doctor. I am feeling so much better now and have learned a lot about how to heal and take care of myself. Do what's best for you, and sending warm thoughts of healing as you start fresh. xo
Aw, Kendi! I'm so sorry for the rough patch you've been going through. Thank you for writing this post. It's so, so hard to write about personal things and put them out there for everyone to see. You're very brave to be so honest, and I admire that a lot! I have always loved reading your posts, and I think I will love them even more now knowing how real and honest you are. Bravo!
Kendi- As someone who reads your blog everyday, and also as a 24-year old who frequently has panic attacks thinking about the next big steps in my life, I am so grateful for your honesty and opening up to all of us. I don't just read your blog for the outfits (while they are amazing), I read it because you seem real and genuine. I am sending lots of love to you from Indiana!
-Kate
I appreciate you showing so much of your heart to us – we do want to hear about your life, the good and the bad. My prayers will be with you!
Thank you for sharing
My 21 yr old son came home from college in Feb due to a deep depression. He is getting medical treatment, but it is a long, slow road to recovery
My heart goes out to you and I hope that you find the exact treatment you need.
Brett
Thanks for sharing, Kendi. I have been reading your blog for a couple years and love everything about it. I'm so glad you took some time to tell us about your life because you are right, I do come here for more than just the outfits! Hope you know how much we love you and your blog, you have a huge support system here in this virtual world.
This was lovely, Kendi, and in a way, inspiring. I can only speak for myself but even though I found your blog because of the clothes, I stick around because of the writing. (I've actually stopped looking at most of the other style blogs I used to follow. Gets very boring after a while.) This type of community space is so much more fun and life-giving when it feels like you are a person and not a mannequin.
Not sure if you've heard of Brene Brown, but I really recommend reading "I thought it was just me (but it isn't.)" It's absolutely brilliant and I think it could really speak into what you're feeling right now.
I believe we were all created by a God who wants our hearts, not our success stories. Bloom and this blog are beautiful and wonderful but as long as you know how to love, you have everything. Hang in there.
Kendi, I hope you feel embraced, encouraged, supported and accepted by this online community you've created and that we all enjoy. Life is real and gritty. it's also beautiful and lovely. it's everything. it challenges us, our emotions, our relationships, our contentedness daily. what you've written about above speaks to the true human condition. one we all deal with, or have dealt with. I for one, love checking in on your blog. smiling at your write-ups and enjoying your beautiful pictures. and I'll love it just the same (more even!), if I know I can continue to contribute to an honest conversation about where you and all of us are at. panic attacks happen, depression is real, life can be overwhelming. but there are tremendous people in this world, and magnificent relationships to be forged and maintained. relationships we can rely on and confide in to help us navigate the stormier seasons of our life. I applaud you for writing straight from your heart today. you are cherished by this community and I know we all resonate with what you've shared. love knowing we're all here to lift each other up!
Kendi,
I'm so proud and thankful that you shared this with us. I can't even begin to imagine how difficult it was, realizing and accepting depression for yourself is hard enough, there are many people who struggle with that alone, actually accepting and essentially telling the world that you have this problem is gut-crushing. So for that, I truly do admire you. It takes a strong person to open up about something that is so personal and close to the heart.
Life isn't always sunshine and butterflies, there are struggles and heartaches, and with a lot of blogs out there today (especially our beloved fashion/style blogs) it's all about the pretty things – which is great, but sometimes it can ring a little hollow, be redundant, and lose all sense of "real life".
So again, I say thank you for sharing, as this made you more real and inspiring to me than any pretty picture or amazing outfit you put together.
Though don't get me wrong, I will still be coming here for some awesome style inspiration and closet envy 😉
Where ever life may take you from here on out I support you 100%.
Ashlei
p.s. sorry to write my own blog post in your comment section 😀
You are lovely and I am so thankful for both your light and your shadow, which has a beauty all her own! Take care of yourself and we’ll look forward to however your story continues
Thank you for sharing this with us – I certainly believe you when you say it was difficult to write! I was starting to feel that your heart wasn’t in the blog quite as much as in the earlier posts, and this would completely explain that. Having said that, I didn’t want to go away and stop following either! I wish you the best in your recovery and whatever you choose to do next.
Kendi. You are not alone. I struggle with depression and anxiety. And when I finally asked for help, it felt so good. There is light. I promise. We are with you.
I’ve been a fan of your blog for quite a while now, and I can’t even imagine how difficult it was for you to write this post. Kudos to you for being brave enough to share this with us! I absolutely adore you and hope you heal very soon and get back to that happy self!
xx
Paige
It is so incredibly brave for you to come out with all of this. I look forward to reading your blog every single day, but today was so special! I have recently been dealing with anxiety and depression as well, and its nice to know that we are not alone, and also that it can get better.
It is so inspiring to know that other strong women are dealing with the same problems that I am, and that it is alright to just let it out.
I’ve never commented on your blog before, but I just wanted to say thank you for letting that out because I am quite sure that you inspired a lot of women to do the same thing for themselves.
Hi Kendi,
I've been reading you for a while now but never commented – just wanted to say it must have been really hard for you to write this, but so brave – thank you.
You aren't the only one, I'm currently off work with stress and anxiety, and have had panic attacks and taken medication for them before. I felt like I have been going backwards lately, having it all happen again, but I'm working through it, and it helps to hear how other people feel and their similar experiences.
Good luck, and keep going. x
I really admire you for sharing this. Thank you for being so open and honest about something which is obviously difficult for you to share. I, for one, am more than happy to share the good and the bad in your journey.
While I do not [currently] have depression, you have helped me feel less alone in my struggles.
WIshing you the very, very best <3
You are so strong and amazing for sharing this, I know I run into some of the same things and it made me have to stop and find myself. I think I went weeks not blogging and I wish I had just opened up but fear won. So I applaud you for opening it up! You are amazing strong beautiful. Get better, I am here with you like everyone else who have commented on this blog has said they are!
Thank you so much for sharing. I have a small blog and have felt crushed by the pressures of the "perfect blogworld" everyone seems to live in where everything is flowers and cute babes and perfect, easy DIYs. I also suffer from anxiety and after antidepressants didn't completely alleviate it, The Calm Clinic has changed my life, I highly recommend exploring their website.
thank you for sharing the sunshine AND the rain. every time you are honest and vulnerable, it allows others the opportunity and the sacred space to do the same. and i truly believe that’s what life is all about. keep an eye out…i trust there will be many rainbows to come. sending you love.
Thank you for sharing this side of your life with us! I've been a loyal reader for quite a while, and I promise, this just reinforces the idea I already had of you through the blog, a strong, beautiful woman who shares her life with us readers. You haven't scared me off or alienated me by sharing, instead you've bared your soul, and I want to stick by you, keep reading, and show you the support you need. Sending love and prayers your way!
I've been following your blog for about 4 years now, as well as several other style blogs, and yours is the only one that I still consistently read instead of just scrolling through the pretty pictures.
There's so much more to a GOOD style blog than just pretty pictures and facades of a seemingly perfect life. It's the content of your blog (in addition to the pretty pictures :D) that keeps me coming back to your blog, reading, and engaging in the things you post.
I wish you luck on your journey to rediscovering your happiness. I say "rediscovering" instead of "finding" because I'm willing to bet that you haven't lost it, but perhaps just can't see it in all the shadows.
I've never come here for the clothes. I come here because I admire the very bold way you've chosen to have the life that you want and even though yes, that will always come with its share of good days and bad days and yes, even though nobody's blog self ever truly matches their inner self….you ARE living boldly and I know (as do you) that there is much to be grateful for. Keep on!
Thank you for your honesty. One thing about social media, is that for the most part everyone seems put on the happy face and all is right with the world. Then when I feel so out of sync I sometimes wonder what's wrong with me. I've had to back off of twitter especially, because those 140 bites are a little too much sweet for normal life most days.
I, too, sometimes struggle with the dark times. Not the anxiety attacks, but depression that seems too elusive to understand or tame.
I will keep you in my prayers.
I'm usually a lurker here, but I wanted to post this time.
You have my total empathy.
I suffer from, at times, debilitating anxiety and panic attacks. The first one I had was so terrible that I ended up in the ER thinking I was having a heart attack. This has unfortunately gotten worse as I've gotten older.
I turned to shopping to alleviate my constant anxiety. At first, it worked. Then I started to overspend and it's become a cycle of buying items to lift anxiety which causes new anxiety which causes me to buy more to lift that, and round and round we go.
I've surrendered my credit cards, after I maxed them out, and all money control over to my husband. It cannot go on. I'm jeopardizing our future as a family and more important the future well-being of my toddler for clothing I don't care about once I obtain it.
I'm currently in therapy exploring the possibility of General Anxiety Disorder as well as Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder (different from OCD). I'm also on a low dose of Paxil everyday as well as Xanax and Valium if/when I need it ( at my request. I don't view medication as an answer to issues like this, but more as a tool to help healing). I feel better in general, though some days are better than others. A lot of my problems come from the fact that I live a happy life that I love, but I have a need to control everything and there is a simmering pot of panic constantly bubbling under the surface of my life and I simply don't understand it.
I'm not suggesting that you use medications or that you need therapy. But, talking to somebody that is not really involved in my life, that can step back and look at things objectively when I cannot, has helped me entertain issues from new angles.
I suspect that that is what you meant when you said you've been talking to a doctor.
I wish you the best of luck and I help you can get beyond yourself, or at lease be content. Because I think that that is what anxiety is, a general discontent with, well, _something_.
Thank you for posting this, I think you're brave for doing so. Even in a slowly evolving society, any sort of mental issue is usually viewed as a weakness when it in fact is not.
Hi Kendi,
I have been reading your blog for quite a while also, but this is my first comment. I have had similar spells with anxiety and depression throughout my life and remember being so embarrassed when a few years ago I took a couple of weeks off work so I could see a doctor and get things handled enough so that I could function again. It is so brave of you to write this post and let the rest of us know that we are not alone, so I am telling you, you are NOT alone. Don't be scared or embarrassed for speaking out – authenticity is important. Be the best version of you, but be YOU. You will get through this. It will get better. And all the people you share you life with will still be there when you do.
Dear Kendi,
You are swamped with comments, I know, but I feel compelled to thank you for such an honest and heart-felt post that I can totally relate to.
I have also battled (work-induced) depression. Unlike you, though, my depression manifested itself in a complete lack of self care: terrible outfits, acne, weight gain and bad hair. Also – I completely stopped caring about my work and lost my self-confidence and happy spark.
Thankfully, I too have a wonderful husband who supported me through the darkness, and who continues to support me today as I wear those scars.
I just want to tell you that you are beautiful, clever, witty, an amazing writer and you have the most enviable wardrobe! Most importantly, you have achieved so much in your 28 years. Despite your struggle, you have continued to bring a smile to my face (and I’m sure to many other faces!) through your blog. Actually, your blog really helped me to start caring about my appearance again! I read many blogs – but truly, yours is my favorite!
Like all your readers, I totally encourage you to take a well-earned break. Rest and recover! And most importantly, please know that you are strong, brave and just wonderful! Sending you virtual hugs and all my very best wishes!!
Also want to send hugs to your husband for standing by you. You’re very lucky to have each other!
Oh sister, let’s talk about the acne and weight gain shall we? I work my angles and my makeup magic but there has been some sort of explosion on my face. One leaves, another moves in. Yayyyy. And through all of this, I’ve learned I take comfort in the arms of food. (Kind of like this: http://www.hulu.com/watch/141546)
Thank you for sharing your story with me. I hope you, too, are better and okay. I’m glad you have a sweet husband to help you as well. It’s nice to have a support system through all of this. best of luck, friend.
Thanks Kendi! I’m from Australia and can’t watch the link – but I’m sure I’m on the same page!!
Thanks for taking the time to reply 🙂
kendi, this is beautiful! i've been reading your blog for a while now and think you're funny, gorgeous, fantastically dressed, amazingly styled, and absolutely crazy for venturing into business ownership (but also remarkably brave). i suffer from anxiety attacks and G.A.D. (general anxiety disorder) and it's threatened to erode everything i care about too. it's all about being honest, letting your family care for you, and caring for yourself. you're amazing for writing this and it sounds like you're already on the fast track to recovering! thanks for letting us in!
Kendi, I have been reading your blog for a couple of years and am always tickled by your wit and inspired by your fashion. But today I was deeply moved by your honesty and vulnerability. This only makes you more lovable and more easy to relate to (and you were already crazy lovable before). Thank you, thank you for saying the things you said–everyone–you and your readers–are better for it.
Thank you for being brave enough to share this Kendi. I admire you so for the courage you had to open your store and your keen eye for fashion; I admire you now for your bravery. I hope that you will continue to strive for the change and balance you are seeking! Much love, Misha
This post is just another reason I love ya!
Kendi, we are here to you. In all your sides, and shades. Some people say that we need dark to see the light, and maybe they're right. Keep strong, girl! (But not to much.)
This is really brave of you to post. I think that nowadays so many of us struggle with depression and anxiety. I don't know a single friend who hasn't experienced it at one point of their lives or another. I'm not sure why it's so hard to talk about openly. Thanks for sharing the real story. We all really do care.
Oh Kendi, you are so extremely brave for baring your soul.. and I commend you for it… depression and anxiety is sometimes hard to formulate in words… just know that you are not alone and I have extreme faith and hope that you will get through this season.. and the hope of life will be once again shiny and bright… in the meantime I'll be praying.. because this is something I know for sure.. God is good, He is by our side… He rushes in with light and dispels all fear… He is the calm in the storm and the healing in our hearts… You are amazing…thanks for being real..
Hope
hchdesigns.blogspot.com
Kendi, thank you so much for this post. We all struggle with something and it is so brave of you to share this all with us. You have a huge community behind you 200%. Don't forget there is always someone to turn to!
You are so courageous. Thank you.
You are so sweet, and brave to share. Good luck – we are rooting for you.
Kendi,
The sheer number of comments here is proof that you are appreciated and valued by fashion blog readers all over the world. Thank you for being honest and open. These sort of posts are always what makes me like the blog writer more. You’re great, and we support you!
I also have a tendency towards depression–we need to know we’re not alone in our feelings and there is a way out.
Best wishes to, and prayers for, you, Kendi.
Thank you. Thank you so much for putting into words so well how i've been feeling this past year (which I have also finally sought help for). I too never came her exclusively for the clothes, although you have the best style of all the bloggers, but for you!! You are hilarious, and beautiful, and seem so kind. Thanks for being so honest. I wish you the best!!
I'll keep this short & sweet as I see you've got many many kind words to read here in the comments, but I just wanted to let you know that I read every word & applaud you for sharing. In my 3 years of blogging I definitely know what it's like to be going through something massive and not know how or if to share. It sucks & it's tough. I've been thinking a lot about thankfulness lately and I definitely do think there's something to that. Thinking of you & sending virtual hugs! xo.
… that really wasn't short & sweet, was it? oops.
Your honesty is beautiful. Thank you for sharing this with us – you are not alone and I am positive that you have hundreds of readers that can relate to what you’re going through (myself included). We are here for you – rain or shine!! 🙂
Kendi,
You are wonderful.
I look at blogs constantly but rarely comment. I just wanted to say a big THANK YOU for sharing your story and for being so real with your readers.
Thanks for sharing Kendi! I think at times we try to be strong in front of other people for fear of judgment or whatever goes through our minds. However I have found when I confide in others it only makes me stronger. Stronger from all the support that is shared and that lifts me up. I have found that there is strength in numbers. You have a lot of support from those around you who have grown to love you IRL or online. I think it is healthy to lean on others versus our natural tendencies of fighting alone.
You are a beautiful woman with great style and class. I love coming to your blog and reading your posts, and it is true, I would love to know more about you and your life but I have so enjoyed what I have been given so far! Thank you THANK YOU for being who you are! Even though I don't really know you, you have made a difference in my life!
Kendi, I've followed your blog for a long time and never commented until now. You've shown great strength by posting this and I think making your inner feelings more in line with your external message will be healing for you. Your writing inspired me to start my own blog recently – your sense of humor and fabulous wording are some of my favorite things to read every day. I think keeping it real is the way to go. It's going to be okay. Treat yourself well.
Life is hard and when things get harder you will notice that people around you are happier and you feel like you're the only one down with trouble and stuff. and thats when you think 'why me?' But what we fail to notice is how hard everyone is trying to smile and make everything seem normal to others. It is true.. that happiness is a choice but one tough choice to make as we let the other fears get better of us. Take care and hope you feel better soon…
As someone who once suffered from depression, I know how hard it is to talk about. I applaud you for having the courage to share your story with us. Thank you.
Take care of yourself, lady.
Kendi, you are awesome. Thank you so much for your vulnerability. We're here for you.
I've been reading your blog for years. Pretty sure I've never liked you more 🙂 thank you for letting us know you are real– we all struggle, and it's nice to know, we're not alone!
Kendi,
I don't want to bombard you with advice or tips for dealing with your depression and anxiety, because it sucks when people who aren't you try to tell you how to "fix it." Instead, I'd like to leave my hope for you: I hope you find a good therapist, someone you can make jokes and connect with, but who will also push you to work hard to control your negative thoughts.
All the best!
you are completely inspirational. everything you said was amazing, strong, and powerful. I know how you feel sometimes and we are all human. (even the "perfect" bloggers) your post today made you so perfect to so many people. completely inspired!!!
xoxox, Meg
http://www.sealed-with-style.com
Kendi, like so many of the girls replying here, you have my full support and gratitude for posting this. I know it wasn't easy, but nothing hard should be presented easy.
I will pray for you and Bryan because I know things like this takes it's toll in all aspects of life. There's still so much light in all of this and regardless of media (be it blog world, facebook, twitter insta… whatever!) you're still shining. That's saying something whether you want it to or not.
As for the style blog, I love it. But I'd never be opposed to just a "lifestyle & style blog." You're so freakin' creative. Plus things change, people change and time goes on. Don't be afraid to change with it.
respectfully, Heather
Kendi, I wish you lots of good luck on your path to happiness. Your blog is a place of inspiration for others, remember that! Other people want to read what you write/see how you dress, that is a rare gift to posses. You are special.
Don't think you walk on that path alone lady. Most of us trudge down it together, but we feel alone bc we internalize our negative thoughts/struggles & on cue smile brightly the outside. You and your husband both are absolutely fantastic. Nothing that you mentioned above changes that &I'm extremely glad you are able to bring yourself to finally write this bc when you are internalizing all of this stuff you carry it just HAS to come out somehow – sickness, panic attacks, irritability, depression, tiredness, etc. Writing it out &sharing it with the world is a positive step. Easy to say, but please don't worry about what "we" all think. Everything I'm telling you, I'm telling myself too.
And are you kidding? Yeah yous funny girl &dress awesome, but I come here because of YOU. And I don't like roll hella deep with followers on my blog, but when I have my Mariah Carey-like breakdown posts that's when I get the most supportive & meaningful comments and addition of people following. Not to mention, I somehow feel like I can breathe a little bit easier. The truth is the light, eh? Also, you're 28, I'm about to be 30 soon – it's a beautiful time in life. After you begin to get a handle on this, you're necessary I-don't-giva-**** evolves further & kicks in even more. Remember when you were 19 & 20 and just accepted everything – you don't do that anymore! And i totally agree with if it's all about sales, i'm out! I firmly believe that's why most old people seem to lack tact &just get away with the things they do when they reach their age – they ain't got time for all that!
The only thing that would stop me from coming here is like if you passionately hated black people or routinely punched little kids in the stomach after your 6.5 day work week. Yeah. That would make it kinda hard to come back 😉 You are a wonderful writer btw. Take your time, do you &be well! xo
Also, I should clarify .. I will support you even in taking time off. I just flat out support you. (I realize the above statement sounded kind of bossy, sorry…) You do what you need to do. I'm here and the other 300+ people are here 😉
Its so beautiful to see people being honest with the world. Especially with blogs it's so easy to get caught up in appearing perfect but everyone goes through stuff and we're stronger together if we share our struggles. I know this was very difficult for you but I have to say a big THANK YOU for sharing it with us. Stay strong and know you have hundred of people out here, and in your immediate life, who love to hear from you and want you to be happy.
this is my favorite of all of your posts. as much as i like the clothes, i read your blog because i like you as a person. thank you for sharing.
♥♥♥
kendi, this is a beautiful and honest post that you should be SO proud of. it's so hard to be vulnerable, and you've done it with grace. i doubt i speak just for myself when i say i love hearing about your life, even though i don't truly know you. so many of us have struggled with depression, and for you to be open and truthful about it is an incredible thing. i wish you the best of luck in finding the light – but also in realizing that it's okay to be dark sometimes too.
Good luck Kendi. Thank you for your post and your trust. "Maybe it's not about the clothes that bring you here (meh, or maybe it is) but maybe it's about life." : you are so right. We love you. Take care.
What an honest account Kendi. I am so appreciative that you managed to get down all the emotions that you have been grappling with. It is never easy to admit that you’re human on a medium that at times feels as though it only focuses on the superficial.
I too, am a business owner in New Zealand, and am 25 and struggle with the fact that my life has come down to the dollar. I battle with sleepless nights, stress, and the health complications that come with it. It can be so difficult to separate oneself from their business life and in some ways it completely defines them. I know at times that I am excited to share that I own my own business, but other times I want to shout: “Do you understand how tough it is on this lonely road?!” Being in business is a constant state of being, dealing with customers, clients, tax, emails, being everything to everyone is so mentally, physically, and emotionally draining. I commend you on letting people know the reality of how you spend your days.
Just know that the people who keep coming back to read your blog value you and the content you wish to express. We are, and always will be very supportive of anything you wish to achieve in life and will always want to come along for the ride if you so wish.
Many positive thoughts, Harriet xo
I do understand how tough it is on that lonely road. Absolutely. It’s nice to know that even half way across the world, there is someone who is dealing with the same things as you. Business is overwhelming most days, but for some reason I wouldn’t trade it for anything. Aren’t you the same?
Thank you for the encouragement and support. (Also, I really like your name.)
Don't wory Kendi, all I can say is – 'All will be well', 'Soon".. Every phase of life passes.. Nothing is here to stay – whether the good or the bad. Try to not think much and enjoy the happy moments in your life!
My heart goes to you..
risingcolors.blogspot.in
such a great post. thanks for much for sharing this. it definitely got wheels turning in my own life….and i've just recently started a photography website/blog so…..this is so great to read for me.
I have loved reading your posts and following your life since the first day I happened upon your space here. I just wanted to say, I second all the comments of “you’re wonderful, you’re beautiful, you’re courageous” because you truly are.
I am so excited to see where you go from here. Thanks for your honesty, thanks for your humor and thanks for being real.
Love this post…honest, brave, and beautiful.
this was a beautiful post. thank you so much for being honest and open about your experience. i hope you continue to find the light in the shadows! remember we're all here for you. and we love you.
Thank you for showing more of yourself. I have depression, too, and don't share that part of my life with people either. I hope to one day have your bravery.
I read somewhere that you should never compare someone’s highlight reel to your behind-the-scenes. I feel that it is important to share the whole movie. With today’s internet, it’s so easy to only show (and see) the bright, sparkly moments (instagram, facebook, blogs), but it is not fair to yourself nor is it fair to others. It’s not REAL. Thank you for being real with us. It’s making me evaluate my filter as well.
That is perfectly stated, thank you for sharing. My behind the scenes is pretty boring or messy most days, as I assume everyone’s is, but man is it hard to share about the mess. Thanks for remembering that quote, I’m putting that one to memory.
Thank you so much for sharing. You are definitely not alone in your struggles (although it often feels like it.) You already inspire us with your blog and outfits but this post is truly an inspiration.
Honestly Kendi, there isn’t a single thing I was going to say that hasn’t already been said (extensively!), and I think that in itself, says so much. You are obviously very loved, so go forward doing what makes you happy, as you obviously will be supported. I hope you feel better soon. Warm wishes from Toronto. xo
Thanks for this post!
Due to my own anxiety, I wrote this Bible verse on a wall in my house:
because of the Lord's great love, WE ARE NOT CONSUMED.
Lamentations 3:22
Good to be reminded of that multiple times a day.
Thank you for sharing <3 Please take time for yourself. We will be here ready and waiting for the bit of sunshine that you bring to our lives when you do.
Kendi. Just wanted to let you know you're not alone. I think you're incredibly brave for sharing, and I'm glad you're finding the light again.. I have no answers to share, just love and support to send you. Wishing you all the very best, from Sussex UK xx
Dear Kendi,
I hope that as time passes by you find the light that is currently being out shadowed by the complexity of life and that you get back on your happy feet soon enough.
You are one of my style heroes because of how cheerful you approach fashion and I wish I could live close to your store to shop there because I truly admire the way you handle that brand so just take it one thing at a time and feel better.
I send you all my positive energy and best wishes, all the way from Mexico 🙂
Kendi,
Thank you so much for sharing. You are an excellent writer and this is probably one of your best posts. I admit that at first I came here to see your outfits, but for the last year or so I have come solely to hear about you and to read your silly jokes. I love your posts! I admire you for sharing the other part of your life and I look forward to hearing more about it. I wish that more people had your courage! I will read your blog no matter what you decide to do with it, and I think an important thing for you to remember is that you are not alone – you have a huge community here that supports you no matter what. Keep on truckin' girl!
Heather
Brave, brave girl. You are not alone, but loved by many. Lots of love to you and your honey.
Kendi, thanks for sharing your struggle. It's always good to find out more about the people whose blogs I read– about their real life, not just the surface things. I feel like one of the pitfalls of social media is that it's really easy to make your life look perfect when it really isn't. It is a breath of fresh air to see honesty like this!
I'm glad you're going to share the bad and the good. And although I don't know you, you have my support. Panic attacks stink.
Kendi! We are present and we are listening. You've got our hearts, girl.
I am a faithful lurker of your blog but I seldom post any comment, maybe even never. Nothing personal, I do that with all the blogs I visit. I don’t have much to say. But admire all the bloggers like yourself who are willing to share glimpses of your world and reality. I am still trying to work up the nerve to start one myself. But what would I talk about? Like you, the fear of turning readers off or sharing too much and become too vulnerable, often stops me on the track in starting a blog. But I do want to say now that I appreciate your sharing your experience with depression and struggle to accept this reality completely. Blogging about it in the open seems like a natural path and part of the remedy or maybe recovery? While reading through your words, many things about myself come to mind. I have been suffering from depression due to events that are going on in my life. It certainly isn’t anywhere near the level that you and others are dealing with on a daily, minute by minute basis. I just want to say, you inspired me to embrace my reality and accept it for what it really is and move on with it. Instead of fighting it, welcoming it and turn it into something positive. Keep on keeping on Kendi!! You are doing great.
xoxoxo
Kendi – I probably can’t say anything different than anyone else. I’ve also suffered with depression of and off for years, and it is hard. But, knowing that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, knowing who is there with you, knowing that it’s going to be okay – it gets us through! I hope your days get better bit by bit. *hugs* from SC! 🙂
You are not alone. 🙂
You are the bravest and we love you!
Oh, man, already so many comments … but in case you read mine, thank you. I like you (yes, the clothes and yes you are so very funny!). I am glad you shared with us though. You aren't alone as I am sure you know. Depression is so hard … and I always ask myself why I can't just CHOOSE happiness? Yeah. Why? Hugs to you and sending prayers and well wishes. And keep wriiting your blog!
awww kendi. pumpkin. im so sorry to hear that you're in your "dark place". i hope that things turn around for you. and for pete's sake, stop thinking that the world rests on your shoulders. it's ok to have off days, and its ok to have work boundaries. OK? ok.
xoxo.
katie
I guess you won’t be able to read all the comments (or maybe you will), but anyway I wanna say that I (and I’m pretty sure everyone here) really hope you make it through the rain: remember all you need is an umbrella (this is me making bad jokes too).
But seriously, think about all the people who are supporting and cheering for you (even those you don’t know – like me) when things get too tough: they are your umbrella.
You are a awesome person and even if you can’t see it every time, it’s true. You see, even people who you have never seen (or will ever see) admire you and stopped to show their support to you – this has to mean something, right?
This post required a lot of courage. As well as looking for help – many people don’t have this bravery and are suffering from it. You are in the right way. And maybe others in the same situation will get the nerve to follow your example.
All the best wishes from someone who doesn’t even care for fashion/style but couldn’t help coming to your blog (almost) everyday.
Depression is tuff and panic attacks are paralyzing. A smile can hide so much. As my doctor told me, at least you recognized that there was a problem and are seeking help. I LOVE your blog. The outfits are great but I especially love to read your posts. Hang in there! ~Joanne
Oh my goodness, thank you! Everything you said was so, so nice and encouraging. And now I have the Rihanna ‘Umbrella’ song in my head, so thank you 🙂
What a brave post! So many people will be inspired by your bravery in speaking out about this. Kudos to you. Hope you feel better soon and know that a lot of people in blog-land are also cheering for you.
I stumbled upon your blog a while back and it's you that I keep coming back to read, not the clothes. Thank you for being honest and well, you. Life is hard and if anyone were to say different, then I would say that have not truly lived then. But in the struggles are glimpses of such beauty that it's almost hard to believe. Hold on to those moments but let all of your life define who you are, even the tough stuff. Thank you so much for sharing Kendi. Prayers and love coming your way!
Of course we like you. That's why we keep coming back. You're witty and sarcastic and goofy and and and. And, sure, you dress pretty well. :o)
Sharing your experience with depression and anxiety must have been extremely difficult. You certainly shouldn't have to hide this tiny piece of you from anyone. It isn't who you are, it's just a bit of you. Proud of you for sharing. Take care of yourself. Keep looking for rainbows.
This post seriously made my eyes water. You are an amazing person. "Every day may not be good, but there is something good in every day." I pray you always have your good! 🙂
Kendi, you are a beautiful person inside and out and I wish you strength and all of the courage in the world in your battle against depression. I know how hard it can be to fend off, but keep fighting the good fight. You are loved.
Thank you! In the (often fake) social media space, it's refreshing to read your honest words. You are a truly beautiful person…inside and out! From someone who met you in person once (at bloom) and stalks your blog daily! 🙂
Thank you so much for sharing with us! I, like you, have struggled with depression off and on since I was 14. Not only is it hard to deal with, it is very hard to share with others how it feels. I always felt that it was a weakness and so I tried to hide it from everyone but that just made it worse. Talking about it with friends and family (and blog followers in your case) helps slowly move you back to normal. I hope that writing this helped you!
Hi Kendi, Thanks for sharing your struggles, you are not alone. It makes me think of the documentary MISS Representation about the pressures on women to be perfect and how many are so successful but end up with these struggles.
Thank you for your openness around this you have taken the weight off so many with similar experience. Thanks for sharing.
I have read your blog for a few years now, and this is my favorite post yet. Not because you are sad – but because you are real. I've struggled with depression over the years, but never let myself seek help for it. that always felt too real – like admitting defeat. And I can control my non-action. But hearing your story, and seeing your strength is inspiring to me. Reading this gave me chills. I wish you the very very best. I come here for the pretty clothes, but also for your voice. Please keep being honest with us, as much as you feel comfortable with. We won't be going anywhere.
So honored and grateful that you shared this with us today, Kendi! Sending lots of love and good vibes your way. Thank you so, so much for having the courage and strength to share that with us. Thank you, thank you!
I love your blog, for the clothes yes, but mostly for what you share of yourself. Thank you.
Thank you for sharing! I hope you continue to find your way back into the light, with the help of your doctor and your loved ones.
Thank you for being brave enough to share what is going on with you. This is my favorite blog of the many that are out there. I've been where you are and you will come back into the sunshine again. Your honesty will inspire and help others who are struggling.
Love this post… Depression hits so many, including me and it is not fun. Glad to see you are getting help. Life is hard. I have been coming to your blog for a while and it is nice to see you are a normal person with normal (yet serious) struggles. Good luck with all and remember to smile 🙂
You just helped so many people by sharing your story. Thank you for having the courage to do so!
So brave of you to share this and this makes you so much more of a "real" person. I'm glad you're getting the help you need to move forward with your life. <3
Thank you so much for sharing, Kendi! I think a lot of us are not just here for the clothes. The blog world is a funny thing … we readers come to care about the bloggers that we choose to spend time with. I just want you to know we're with you .. thick and thin.
Kendi! Your words were beautiful and honest. Thank you so much for that. I really look up to you and LOVE your blog! I'm not much of a blog follower but I was alway drawn to yours and inspired by you! Stay strong and keep searching for the candle in the darkness because it's always there! Lots of love to you and your family! Your blog is fantastic and you've made a big impact and you should be proud of that! Ps. you've inspired me to start a blog of my own! Thank you for what you have pushed me to do!
This was really brave of you to write, and I’m so sorry to hear that you have been hurting like this. I am sending a lot of love and positivity your way.
I can relate big time. I have a blog but there is so much I don't share. Partly because I'm a therapist and don't want to much information out about me and partly because…it's messy and I too find it easier to joke and be silly in my posts. But I will say that I can relate. A lot.
Light shines that much more brilliantly when contrasted with the darkness. Thank you for sharing your humanity; thank you for letting people know that they are not alone. You reached a hand out into the world, and I hope you are met with nothing but love and kindness. Please know your worth lies in your humanity and in your astonishing ability to persevere. I am sending my best your way with endless love, hope, and compassion.
Thank you for sharing this. I can see how hard it was for. I’ve never been depressed, but I’ve see what it can do to people and families and it was very brave of you to put this out into the world. Thank you for letting us, your readers, see a little bit behind the curtain of the real Kendi. Thank you so much!
Kendi,
Grateful for your transparency in sharing this post- refreshing in a world full of facades and unattainable expectations. While i LOVE your style and keep coming back to be inspired to try new things with my clothes, there is something about your quirky charm that challenges me. To poke fun of myself. To set big goals/dreams. To enjoy life and seize the day.
Regardless of if it was a front, or truly deep down in your heart- you sharing snippets of life through this blog has helped me grow into my own skin. I started following the blog a couple of years ago, in the season of life right after college. I was still trying to meet standards set by others, trying to gain their approval. I wanted to be wanted. But by seeing your creativity with your own style and confidence in trying new things- I gave up the want to fit in, and began to feel confident in my own style.
I'm thankful to have found the blog when I did, but to also still be a follower and be reminded that those who seem to freakin' have it all together all the time- don't.
Praying for days of rest. Praying for time with your husband. Praying for conversations that will be a result of this blog post. I know that you've challenged many other women other than myself… Grateful for your pretty clothes, pinterest addictions, and willingness to be open with a community of women whom you may not have ever met.
Oh Kendi…I love coming to this blog, and love seeing what you wear, and I was so happy for you opening Bloom. I’ve always thought of a blog as a place where you can let people see your journal and I think it’s great that you feel you can share the hardest things here in this space. You are NOT alone in what you are dealing with, and over the last couple of years, several bloggers I follow have shared their struggles with panic attacks and depression. That is not an easy thing to share, and not an easy thing to deal with, so good for you being brave and putting it out there.
Best of luck with recalibrating your life, and thanks for being willing to share it with us. =)
Thank you for sharing. I love your blog, your humor & fashion sense. It's comforting to know that others go through the ups and down as well. Keep your head up Kendi!
Thank you for this inspiring post! You wrote what I’ve been thinking for years, but couldn’t find the words to say. You are very brave and inspirational to share this side of you with the blog community. I, of course love your outfits, but I always come back to your blog for your humor and incredibly sincere personality. I hope you start to feel happier and better each day 🙂
I wanted to write a comment to you and I keep backspacing, trying to find the best thing to say. As someone that is also suffering from depression, I guess I just want to say thank you.
You are an inspiration, thank you for sharing.
Thank you for sharing this Kendi! I can't imagine how hard it was to open up about something to personal and difficult…but those bloggers that are willing to share the good and the bad are my favorite to read. Because we're all human and not one is beyond struggle.
Depression is tough and panic attacks are paralyzing. A smile can hide so much. As my doctor once told me, at least you recognized that there was a problem and are seeking help. I LOVE your blog. The outfits are great but I especially love to read your posts. Hang in there!
e-hugs coming your way. I've been there. I know what you are saying. that darkness being let in, creeping in, slowly. so slowly, sometimes, you doubt yourself over and over again. We're all human.
Oh Kendi…I don't know what to say…only hope that you and your doctor and family and friends will work this out. Best wishes.
BTW- do you exercise? I heard that helps a lot with depression. I feel happier when I am running, just a thought. 🙂
Your loyal reader: The Way We Were
I just want to wish you all the very,very best.
Thank you.
Kendi, it is insanely brave and humble of you to share all of this about yourself with your followers. You’re an incredibly good person, and I know you will find the light. It’s already in there, because you bring it to your readers everyday! God Bless.
Kendi to read this, after coming to your blog daily for the last few months, refreshes my faith with people and their realization about what is important in life. I love that you had the strength to finally post this and that things are slowly (but surely) getting better. You have fashion, drive, a sense of humor and above all else an understanding that this life is not just about what you wear, buy, drive but about the memories made along the way! Good luck in all you do!
This is so courageous. What a beautiful post and individual! I must quote you on ambition, though, I feel I often get overwhelmed and forget the big picture, too. Thank you for reminding me what ambition is.
thank you! in this virtual world we forget we are real people sometimes and not machines. take the time, breathe, enjoy the little things.
Thank you so much for sharing your life with us Kendi. I'm so grateful for every post, the sad and the silly because you are real and honest. You're such an inspiration and I hope you take at least a few minutes a day to be still and treat yourself well, you deserve it! I love this little corner of the internet.
xoxo,
Chelsea & The City
I always enjoy what you write. I hope you keep it coming, whenever you like, whatever you like, the light and the dark. I will be following along. I’m glad you’re feeling better and I hope all of this support from your readers helps a little more. Keep being kind and gentle with yourself.
Kendi you did a wonderful thing sharing this with all of us. Thank you 🙂
I have never commented-well ok, for a contest/giveaway i do:) but no, I felt compelled today. You are so courageous. Wow. I myself haven’t dealt with depression, but I can only imagine the darkness and heart ache. I love your blog. I know that you’ve just helped so many who are in a similar situation. You are so brave. I wish you all the best.
I honestly would have never known – like you said, because of the smile and humour you place in your posts everyday. I personally suffered from depression just last year and it was horrible. I actually don’t remember much of last year because I constantly felt like I had a dark cloud surrounding me… as silly as that sounds.
I do understand how easy it is to fake everything. I used to blame my depression on a friend situation that left me with no friends for a whole year, where I was eating lunch by myself and while my so called ‘friends’ should never have done what they did to me – I realized it really wasn’t their fault as depression runs in the family.
Thank you for speaking about your depression as it makes me feel less alone. x
Kendi – I found your blog while on a leave of absence from my career due to a medical issue and have kept coming back in part for the adorable outfits, but moreso because of your quick wit and reflective thoughts. You were an escape for me during my own rough times. You are able to articulate what so many of us think about ourselves and our lives. You have built a community of remote friends who may or may not ever meet you, but are cheering for you from every corner. I hope that helps a bit during any other dark times. Best to you (from the crazy girl at the NY Gap event who babbled about running into her ex-boyfriend =)
Atta girl. You got this. One foot in front of the other and don’t forget to breathe. Brave, brave woman. Take care of yourself and for heavens’s sake, forgive yourself.
Just what I needed to hear. Thank you 🙂
<3
as someone who suffers with bi-polar depression and anxiety issues i can relate to what you've said so closely. my heart aches for you and your struggles but you are on the right path. opening up like this is SO healthy and i admire your strength and courage in doing so on your blog. you are an amazing woman. i follow this blog not just for the pretty clothes but for the lovely woman that you are. i'm in your corner all the way.
Thanks for sharing ! I know how stress and anxiety can lead to scary things, I’ve experienced it myself.Talking about it is the way to help others who suffers, and help yourself at the same time ! Take care !
Beautifully written. Honest and raw. This couldn’t have come at a better time for me to read. I think we all experience what you’ve written about to varying degrees. Thank you for your honesty and transparency. You are inspiring. Be well!
I could have written this post. I had my attack 6 weeks ago and everyday is better than the day before. My prayers are with you. Life is hard. Control makes it harder. Let it all go.
In sharing this, you give permission to all of those people out there who thought that they were the only ones. I wish you much peace and joy. To quote a very wise friend “Grant tender compassion to this fragile mortal mechanism”
Thank you for your bravery. This post took real guts. I wish you the best of the best; I hope that sunshine finds you.
So much love to you. And thank you for being so brave to share your story with the world. I'll be here visiting no matter what – rain, shine, clouds, unicorns, and flowers. 😀
Kendi, thank you for sharing your story and more of yourself with us. We're all human and sometimes we all need to just let out that sigh or deep breath. Thank you for being real and being you.
Thanks for sharing your story. I also suffer from anxiety and depression and like u my symptoms started in my teens (I wrote poems during that time too), popped up again in my early twenties and now in my early thirties. I deal with panic attacks as well. I know the feeling of thinking ur going mad or going to die. Panic attacks suck lol but we don’t die and they always go away. People think when u are depressed u walk around looking like it but its pretty easy to put on a front. Seriously thanks for sharing. When I’m feeling good I enjoy it. When depression hits I work thru it because I know its temporary.
Many wonderful women have already written all there is to say in support of what you have done here for yourself and for us. So I’ll simply just say thank you.
Kendi, we love you and no we don’t come here only for the clothes. Thanks for opening your heart to us. I know how you feel as an entrepreneur, woman, wife and blogger. I feel for you and I can tell you one thing: you’ll be okay. I promise, it gets better with age. Hang in there! 🙂
By the time I read your post, there are over 550 comments left for you. My first thought was it will surely take hours for you to read all the comments (you seem like the personality type who would need to read them all) and I hope it won’t add to your stress level!
All kidding aside (not that funny, huh?), I think one of the hardest things for anyone to do is to look deep deep into oneself and try to “understand” why and how. Not sure if that makes sense to anyone but I feel that that’s exactly what you did and you are so brave. 🙂
Amazing that you shared all of this with us. You are so strong and I feel so much admiration for you.
Just wanted to say–you're one of my favorites, and I think you should share absolutely what you feel comfortable sharing in this space, your space–no more, no less. Good luck with everything! I'll still be reading.
Been reading your blog for a long time now, but never commented but I’ve been inspired by your outfits and funny words. But today you inspired me in a different way. I went on facebook to distract myself after one of the biggest panic attacks I’ve ever had and saw your post. Thank you for being so honest and open. And for helping me get through one of the hardest days I’ve had in the last 3 years.
I just read your post and want to tell you how much I identified with it and how much I admire you for talking about it. Last summer, I was going through the same things — panic attacks, crippling fear and anxiety, the works. There were days where I couldn’t leave my house or make it to work, let alone do an outfit post. I had countless attacks and even an emergency room stay before I found what worked for me – a combination of therapy and medication. Reading your story helps remind me that I am not alone and that the same thing has happened to others. Blogging isn’t about being perfect 24/7, it’s about being real. And I so admire that you are willing to share a big part of the real you with your readers 🙂
Kendi, you are very brave to share all of this here.
I can honestly say one of the reasons I love and have loved your blog is because of the parts of you that are in every paragraph.
You continue to inspire me ladyfriend 🙂
-Krystyn
I just want to give you a hug. I can only imagine how difficult this post was to write. I’m proud of you. .
Thank you for sharing. Your words really help me in this moment of my life (so difficult by the way) Thank you for being silly in all your post.
Thank you for sharing Kendi. I love reading your blog because it always makes me smile- your writing is witty and your style is beautiful. Over 400 people have already sent you kind messages and here's mine – take care of yourself and I hope that you start to feel better soon. Thank you for bringing a smile to my life with your blog. Depression is so awful but it can and will get better. Sending you lots of love.x
I keep coming back to this blog because I care about you. That sounds crazy coming from someone you've never met, but I do. I've been reading for two+ years now, every single day. I definitely noticed that you were closed off. It was frustrating because your shop is so interesting (I also own a small business, though it's a bicycle shop) and there was so much potential content there. You never seemed to give, and it was clear you were acting out of concern for your privacy and keeping this a clear and clean space. But I have to say, I'm so excited to move forward on this journey with you and see more sides to you and the shop. I also have depression and anxiety. I have panic attacks regularly and am considering medicines, even. It's brave of you to talk about this and I'm just…thank you. I've criticized you in the past, yes, but it always ALWAYS came from a place of wanting to see you at your best. I'm so glad you've decided to make some changes, and I can promise I'll still be here every day to look at your outfits and read your posts, silly or not.
I love that you’ve opened up this way. So many times our online persona is what we want to be, but not what we actually are. I too, am dealing with depression for the first time in my life. It started with stress, then turned to anxiety, and now depression. All in the course of a year.
Thank you for sharing your story. It’s never easy to admit our lives aren’t perfect. But when we are really, REAL about our lives, we can begin to connect and help one another.
Keep your head high, and know that others are going through the same thing you are. You aren’t alone. We are in this together.
Kendi, you are very brave for sharing your story with us. I know things will get better because they always do. It may be a slow journey but I am sure you will get there.
Your blog is the first blog that I ever started reading. You are funny and witty and reading your blog post is one of the highlights of my day. Thank you for being an inspiration even when you didn’t feel so good!
Thank you for sharing Kendi. I can imagine that this was tough for you to write and share. I think it’s always difficult to write about depression but I am sure there’s a lot of readers out there that are experiencing this and is happy to know they are not alone.
Do what you need to make you feel better. We will be here for you!
Alice
http://www.happinessatmidlife.com
I just wanted to say thanks for sharing and you are not alone.
Thank you so much for your honesty. As someone who has dealt with anxiety and has supported a loved one with depression I identified with your post and learned from your description of what you were going through. I've been following you for two years and I respect you even more than I did before. I bet being true to yourself must be such a relief. Wishing you the best Kendi!
Thank you for sharing your life with us. It is incredibly hard to be honest about depression (I would know) and I'm proud of you for doing what you think is best for you. I'm also glad that it means I get to read your blog and be in your life! 😉 But if you ever feel like the blog is hurting more than it's helping, I'll toast you with a glass of pink champagne and wish you the best. Thanks again for sharing. I think you're pretty great.
loveMercyMe.blogspot.com
Thank you. From someone going thru some very similar feelings. A yoga teacher recently said “tell the truth about yourself and your experiences and see the golden road appear before you connecting you to others on the path”
I applaud you for your honesty. You are not alone. Love from Boston, MA.
Well this is embarrassing. You’re quite possibly the first style blogger to make me get all teary-eyed! No no but really. What is life if not a constant struggle for happiness? So many of us have battled with personal demons but it’s those moments of sincerity and vulnerability that show you you’re not alone and the world is not judging you nearly as harshly as you judge yourself. Let the outpouring of love you see here keep your spirits lifted and help you through the shadows. You’re so brave, Kendi. Your loyal followers only love you more today! xo, Risa
Kendi, this is beautiful, and it made me cry. As someone who has struggled with depression and anxiety for years, I know how hard it was for you to write this post. I honestly hope it was therapeutic and allowed you to lift some of the burden off your shoulders. I’m hopeful that things will get better for you – and please share the bits of your life filled with darkness. We will love you no matter what!
Querida Kendi,
Pensei em escrever em inglês, mas tive medo de cometer erros de ortografia!
Então, achei melhor me expressar em português mesmo!!
Entendo o que você está passando e fiquei emocionada com a sua linda e corajosa atitude.
Continue compartilhando a sua vida com a gente!
Além de roupas (sim, eu comecei a ler por conta das roupas!) eu quero fazer parte desse mundo que é seu é um pouquinho nosso!
Todo dia!
Muitos beijos de longe (I’m from Rio – Brazil)
Tatiana
I was just thinking last week that there was sadness in your smile. Praying for you Kendi, as odd as that may seem coming from a stranger on the interwebs.
Kendi, you are so brave for writing this. Your site is my favorite and I always check your blog everyday. Thank you for sharing your struggles– what a great reminder that life is full of sunshine and rain. Wishing you the best! You have a whole audience cheering you on!
Kendi,
This post was, honestly, the most sincere & beautiful blog post I've read in quite some time (if not, ever)…and I read a lot of blogs! I'd like to say thank you for sharing, but that particular sentiment seems to fall a bit short. To me, the more appropriate comment is this: congratulations. This post wasn't about us (the readers), this post was a personal hurdle and struggle…so congratulations!
Find the light in overcoming this obstacle, and know that you have inspired one more person to stare down & conquer her own personal hurdles. Sending loving joojoo your way!
Kendi – although we don’t know each other, thank you for sharing this. Thank you for putting so eloquently what so many people struggle with – myself included. Being a Type A personality is a curse in itself but I want you to know that you aren’t ever alone. You are right in what you said – I come to your blog because I wish I knew you in every day life and I feel like your blog helps to make us virtual friends. So from this virtual friend, I send a hug and remind you that you can dance in the rain and I hope that you will share that story with us too. Thinking of you!
Come rain or shine – I'll take any weather that passes over your blog and always be thankful for your courage to share!
Kendi, dear, your readers love you. I totally come here for the clothes, but it's posts like this (and your keynote at TxSCC) that showcase the way you understand things so very well.
May you know joy again very soon. Not just happiness but joy.
You are so so brave, Kendi! I'll wholeheartedly admit that I come here to get ideas for cute outfits (of which all of yours are), but of course I want to know who the girl wearing them is! Thank you so much for sharing and I truly hope that starting with a clean slate helps you on your path to healing.
On another note, when you said you didn't want to talk about opening bloom, it reminded me of
this post on A Practical Wedding that I thought you might be able to relate to.
Kendi, I too deal with depression and anxiety and have had many panic attacks, thanks for being so honest. I hope you feel better soon.
I know you will conquer the darkness. This is a very courageous post to write. I hope you feel empowered. I hope you feel that the slate is clean.
Thanks so much for writing this, Kendi. I have been reading your blog for years. I recently struggled with some difficult life changes and I just want you to know things will get better! I know it is hard when you feel like your life is spiraling out of control, but know that you are loved and supported, and some time (maybe not soon), things will feel okay. Thinking of your and sending you hugs!
Those are not easy words to share. I admire you for typing that out and I think you are so brave to be dealing with that. Depression sucks and I am glad you've got a system of support and help when you need it. Thank you, Kendi, for your openness. and I hope you find happier days ahead.
Dear Kendi, I'm not much of a replyer on blogs, I'm more the creepy kind of reader that is simply consuming the outfit inspiration you provide. That is, I started coming for the outfits, but I kept coming back regularly for the witty words they came with. Reading your blog kind of felt like having a very well-dressed quirky friend at the other end of the Atlantic. But being a 'friend', I really do hope you are okay – and I want to thank you for your open-heartedness. What you are going through is supertough, and though I know sweet replies won't cure your problems, but I hope you will feel a teeny-tiny bit better after reading this. Know that even your creepy readers will want you to feel okay, not only look it. 😉 Wishing you all the best, Else
Kendi, happy to hear that I'm not alone. So grateful that you have shed just a little bit of light on this topic to make others feel less outcasted. Depression/Anxiety often goes over looked and makes those who suffer from it feel incompetent and weak; when really, that is not the case at all! Life is full of roses and thorns. Thankful for your honest heart!
A brave post. I have been down this road several times in my life, each time is painful. Just try to remember there is light at the end of all that darkness. I so enjoy reading your blog, both the fashion and the feelings. Xx
Kendi, I have been following you for a few years now (I spent many, many hours reading all your old posts, laughing and smiling) and you are my favorite blogger because you are so real. I've never commented before but I want to thank you for this post and for being so genuine, difficult as it may be- it is sincerely appreciated. I feel like reading blogs can be hard for us 'regular people' because the lives portrayed always seem so glossy and perfect, but in reality, of course they are not. Your bravery and strength in sharing your story is remarkable. So, thank you, thank you and thank you for sharing & don't be sorry for a second for being a real human, with real emotions- 'life ain't always beautiful, but it's a beautiful ride' and moms always make everything better 🙂 …I hope you continue to heal and see the light. sending much love…xoxo
Thank you for sharing your story. I too suffered from panic/anxiety attacks and felt like it was the end for me. What I've realized is that YOU are in control of what happens next. Take some deep breaths, close your eyes, and allow yourself to accept that you're going to be just fine. In truth, I usually just scroll through your pictures and see where I can buy everything (you've caused me to spend lots of money–and it's worth it!!), but now I am going to take a longer look at your story. You're helping a lot of people, whether you know it or not, Kendi. Thank you again 🙂
This was very brave. Thank you for sharing. Sending some good thoughts your way!!
Thank you for your honesty, and don't ever feel ashamed of saying something that some won't like, or understand. Depression is a hard thing, and one of the hardest is telling others that you have it. You are very strong!
Thank you so much for taking the time to share this with all of us. What a brave woman you are! I too have seen more shadows than light lately and I can't seem to find my way back to the light! I'm trying every day though. I want to be the person I once was. I think she used to be carefree, funny and at times, risky. I don't know what happened to her, but I will find her. Thanks to you, I know that we aren't alone in this thing called life. And even though we don't know each other, I feel like you are a friend. Wishing you much health and happiness to continue your way.
http://akstylemyway.blogspot.com/
Thank you for sharing what you've been going through. I have struggled with both anxiety and depression at various points in my life as well, so I found your story incredibly relatable. Therapy was really the best thing I ever did, and I still use the techniques I learned there when I feel that twinge of anxiety or sadness creeping back again. There are more people than we think going through similar stuff, being open helps to not feel so alone in the struggle and journey. Hang in there!
Being in the limelight is unbelievably hard. Being a brand is unbelievably hard. Having to look beautiful and 'perfect' all the time is unbelievably hard. Same reason why so many celebrities (and just actors in general) succumb to depression, drugs, and worse. Good for you for recognizing how you feel and being proactive to change it. I can't recommend Ziva Meditation or the Paradox Process more. They both saved and changed my life. xo
Hi Kendi, can I give you a hug? The best words that live on blogs (and in life) are the true ones. And indeed, they are the shiny, sparkly ones. I adore your look, your style (and basically pinch many an idea from you… I look good because of you), but the best part about stopping by here is real-person-Kendi. You are so smart, and so witty, and so brave. Thank you x
I normally read this through my RSS feed but I wanted to stop by the actual site to say thank you for writing this. I, at least, come here to hear your story and this part of it is every bit as good as the happy and silly part.
Brave post! Thanks so much for sharing. It's incredibly helpful to hear someone's story and how they are dealing with it whether or not it mirrors one's own. Hoping you find more light than shadows going forward!
I'm so sorry you've had to go through all of this, with a public persona to worry about to boot. I hope there is sunshine ahead for you Kendi 🙂
So hoping things start going the way you deserve and that you get to feeling wonderful soon. Thanks for sharing.
You're the best Kendi! <3
Love this. And LOVE you (even if that sounds weird and awkward to write to someone on a blog who I've never meant). I don't toss that around though and I mean it. Sending love your way. It's easy for people to write off "style bloggers" (even though I know you are much more than that), but you are incredibly gifted in so many ways, not the least of which is expressing yourself in writing. I am a writer (though I currently practice another vocation that uses writing in different ways; I used to write for newspapers and magazines), and it's easy to tell other people's stories. Much more difficult to tell our own. I hope you feel empowered having written it. I believe through it you have empowered others. I did start reading your blog because I used to wear sweats and T-shirts every day and my friend recommended an upgrade for my new job … and you've totally revolutionized my style, seriously … however I think you're right when you say we all come here for more than the clothes. It is for you. You are a gift. Thank you.
(PS: Can I also say that whenever I feel depressed or need to read something TRUE – I read Hemingway? Cuz his quote is f-ing correct and his writing cuts through all the bs out there. I used to look up Hemingway quotes online when I was frustrated. Good stuff. 🙂 )
Kendi, I know what panic attacks, cold sweats, and chronic depression/anxiety feels like. I'm sure a lot of other people do as well. You are not alone.
You are beautiful, you are healthy, and you are intelligent. It is okay if you just let yourself be if you need to. You're 28 years old and you won't be forever…just let yourself enjoy it. You don't have to please anyone, you will never be able to please everyone. Life is not a competition or a race. It will be okay to just let go. Things could be so much worse…SO SO much worse…Enjoy the fact that they aren't!. You could have cancer, you could become deformed, have a traumatic brain injury, lose a limb…None of that has happened. Just please look around you and be grateful for what you have…and the time you have here on Earth.
Good luck on your journey. Please don't waste the beautiful life you've been given full of worry.
This vulnerable post does nothing but prove your strength. Thank you for sharing your story.
I know it must be tricky to decide what to share on here and what to keep private, but at the end of the day just be yourself…the good, bad and everything in between. I love all the style tips but more importantly I find myself rooting for YOU! I love that you're funny and real. Not everything can be perfect all the time so don't feel like you have to be either. Please know that while I sit in my cube and read your blog, that you add a bright spot to my day. I hope we can do the same for you!
Hi Kendi,
I’ve been reading your blogs for years and I am always inspired by your style and your sense of humour. Thank you for sharing your life with us, the good parts and the not-so-good. Sending you warm thoughts to help you through this difficult time, and thank you for being so brave and writing so honestly about your struggles.
Kendi, you have done a very brave thing and should be really proud. Your voice reaches SO many people through this blog. I guarantee that by writing and publishing this post you have helped someone, probably a good handful of someones. I have been working on managing my anxiety and depression for about 2 years now. It’s hard. Some days suck but the more I work at it, work with a fantastic psychologist, the more those sucky days get shorter, the faster I can pull myself up again. I appreciate so so so much you sharing your truth. I hope that it was even a little bit healing for you. My psychologist always tells me to “go gently through this world and do things from a place of self love”.
I hope that you feel better soon and that your sucky days get shorter and further apart. Sending you positive thoughts. 🙂
Thank you for sharing this. It's refreshing to see someone be honest about their struggles because it makes everything else they do more beautiful and more important. We can't fully appreciate the good and beautiful things in life without the bad.
Kendi…Thank you.
Thank you SO much for sharing. Your bravery inspires courage in me and in all of your readers.
“Perhaps all the dragons in our lives are princesses who are only waiting to see us act, just once, with beauty and courage. Perhaps everything that frightens us is, in its deepest essence, something helpless that wants our love.” – Rilke
Thank you for so bravely and eloquently expressing such familiar circumstances (at least, familiar to me).
Kendi, Your blog is one of the select few that I read daily. I adore your style, wit, and perspective. Thank you for sharing your story – your bravery is inspirational.
so brave! thanks for sharing, Kendi. I enjoy reading your blog and watching what you create. I myself have struggled with depression and anxiety for a while, and wrote a honest post too a couple of weeks ago. I hope that you receive 100-fold the positive response and reception I did when I shared my story. it feels like a gigantic, really scary, terrifying thing to be honest like that on in the internet. but it helps set others free. thanks for being brave to share your story.
http://carolinemccain.com/can-we-start-talking-about-this-really/
You have written so well of what hurts and what is real. I am grateful that you have been able and are being able to analyze, face and address truth. It hurts to heal but silences lying fears. Praying for you.
You are amazing! Take some time, rest, feel better. We'll all be here.
Wow. Just wow. So impressed with your openness and eloquence. Thank you.
Jen @ Librarian for Life & Style
Thank you for sharing your story. I too know all to well what it feels like to have a panic attack. Wishing you health and happiness!
Kendi, going to your blog everyday I am reminded of how easy it is to be fashionable and comfortable at the same time. You are beautiful inside and out, I have been through depression before and my advice is one day at a time and cherish those who love you. Don't be afraid to be yourself, it get's easier every year! All the best!
Counseling is so worth it. I felt super uncomfortable with the idea initially (burst out crying on the phone to my mom, "I think I need to see someone!"), but now I recommend it to everyone. And you'll find out quickly that more people see a therapist than you realize.
long time reader, infrequent commenter….
thanks for sharing. i am sure, as you will see, that many suffer and (unfortunately) in silence. i hope that even in just sharing, you are already finding ways to heal.
Thank you so much for sharing your struggles with us. What you wrote was raw and filled with emotion…beautiful in a way… In my struggles, I have found it to be the most therapeutic when I share what I have been through (or am going through) to gain the support from those around me. It can be difficult, scary, embarrassing…but in the end, it is what I need. I am happy to hear you are turning a corner and beginning to see the light again. I hope that you can continue to take the time you need (and deserve!) to recuperate and start smiling that beautiful smile again.
Thank you for being brave enough to share this Kendi, a lot of people will be able to relate to this, I know I can.
A couple of years ago I opened a pre-loved clothing boutique and can identify with just how hard that really is, small business is hard work, especially when you've put your heart and sole into it.
Hi Kendi
I stumbled across your blog a year ago and love it!! I live in England and log on every night! Your blog this eve has touched me, I too have p/attacks but it's a sign your cup is overflowing. Rest and be your own best friend. Brave girl for sharing. Big hugs. X x Love Miss UK – not literally!!
Thank you for being real. And thanks for being you.
I think you’re pretty cool (actually, you’re kind of my favorite).
Sending you much love (and if you’ll be in the shop on Sunday I’ll be there to give you a big hug).
🙂
I really admire the courage it took to write this post and share this with everyone. I’ve battled depression in the past and I know I wanted to keep it hidden from the world. It’s a lot easier to pretend you’re ok than to let people in to your hurting. But you inspired a lot of people with this post and by all the comments, it’s clear to see how many people care about you just from reading your blog.
Everyone is going through their own personal battle. The bravest thing in the world is to tell someone {or the world} about it. I adore you and your hubby so much and if it’s possible adore and look up to you even more after reading this. Stay strong! You’re one of the most amazing people I’ve met!
HUGS, kendi! I've loved your blog since the beginning and was sad to see that you had stopped posting about your personal life, but now it all makes sense. Thank you for opening up and sharing about what must be a very difficult time for you.
Kendi: thanks for your post about depression and anxiety, something too many of us feel we have to hide. Your blog has been one of my little daily pleasures that has gotten me through my PhD. Thank you!!!
Your are beautiful, and I think its so amazing you've chosen to share something so private about yourself. I will continue to be a reader, not just because of your great style, but because your a great person. <3
Thank you for sharing. You're not alone.
Do you believe in things happening for a reason? I really needed to read that tonight; thank you so much for telling your story. As a 20 year old constantly worrying about money, my future, life, getting a car, etc., I am no stranger to the wonderful world of anxiety. Depression runs in my family as well. I think you’re right, that “life” brings us to your blog (and your sense of humor). The pretty clothes don’t hurt, but honest posts like this are why we come back. Also, I don’t believe I’ve ever commented on your blog (which I love!) before, but I needed to say that :).
Hey Kendi,
I've been following you for about a year now and I absolutely love it. I love who you are and you style. It takes great courage to talk about your struggle with depression, and I admire you so much for doing it. I have been where you are multiple times. Keep on looking for that light girl, and know that you have at least one person behind you.
Amanda N.
Ok, Kendi. Thanks so much for sharing.
I hope you know that we all love you and want the best for you! You are such a hardworking, sweet girl! I hope you enjoy life 🙂
xo
Christina
So impressed by your bravery.
Have no other words than thank you for your openness in sharing this with us, and that I hope that you continue to feel better.
Like many have said below, thank you for having the guts to write this very personal post. There’s so much stigma around mental health issues, but they impact so many of us in our daily lives! .
Thank you for sharing. It takes an incredibly strong person to share something so personal on a blog!! We are cheering for u!!
Hang in there, Kendi! I've enjoyed reading your blog (yes, even the posts that aren't 'shiny, happy, joy, joy, joy!') for a few years now, and I hope that you will continue to use it to share whatever you want. Being able to open up about something personal like this takes a lot of courage, and I'm even more impressed and inspired by you than I was before. Here's hoping that things are on the up&up for you soon…
<3
Hi kendi!
Thank you so much for sharing your story. You are so beautiful! Wish you all the best. I know that is not easy, but you are not alone.
Kendi, I don't know you personally, but please know that I am rooting for you. If you have come far enough to speak about your depression as you do here, you've come a long way. Hugs from afar.
It takes a lot of strength to share so much with others. You are beautiful and I admire you in so many ways. You have accomplished so much with your blog and business at such a young age, you have a lot to be proud up. I read your blog everyday and always look forward to your posts, even if they are just about fashion. Please take care of yourself.
You’re not alone- and thanks for making women like me feel not alone either. How serendipitous that you write this when just this morning, I caught myself in a happy moment and thought, “Weird, I haven’t had a panic attack in a while.” Then subsequently spent the day looking for one around every corner. Really, just today! And then you post this. The power of the internets, to reach hearts and minds you never knew existed.
Thank you for trusting us… It will get better…If you need meds, take them… Think of it as being like insulin for diabetics… Sometimes your body needs what it can’t make itself… There’s no shame or blame in that… I know there’s nothing that anyone can say that will make you feel better, so I won’t try… But I do wish you well… Hope it’s soon! xxxooo
I adore you (and your blog) and have always followed despite the gorg clothes because your witty, sarcastic, and humor-induced posts made me feel there was a “real” person behind the perfection. Thank you all the more for sharing! I know so many (including myself) can relate in some way or another to what you said. I truly believe more bloggers should have that kind of courage to be honest – life is more than surface level or an Instagram moment.
This post means so much to me. It’s good to see that you are a real person and that life gives you ups and downs as well. I know things are about to start looking up for you!! Just know that things do get better! Thanks for sharing this.. now, to show the world the real me!
I'm not typically a person who comments on the blogs of people I don't personally know but I wanted to say thank you for sharing this. I'm going through something very similar and this post made a difference to me. You're beautiful, funny and inspiring. Thanks for staying true to who you are. <3
Thank you, thank you, thank you! What a courageous and honorable post to write. I am a senior in high school and have admired you for quite some time now. Moments ago I had a mental breakdown and completely lost sight of reality, doubting my self worth and ability to love and be loved. Reading this post reminded me we are all humans and are struggling, no matter how put together and happy we may appear. You are such an inspiration and I cannot thank you enough for your transparency with this post. Again, thank you!!
Wow. I've been following your blog for about a year now, but never commented. I just loved to get inspired by your pictures. But of course, I had to stop by and offer support. I, too, struggle with this issue. I know exactly what you are talking about. And so I hope you know you have a lot of support out here in the cyber world! 😉 Thanks for the beauty you bring into all our lives and the courage it took to share this!
Thank you. Thank you. I have been struggling with depression myself since I was teenager and am just starting to fully acknowledge it to my loved ones. 24 and I have days where I literally just want to sit in my closet (why the closet, I have no idea), shut the door, and sit in the dark for hours. I've wanted to start a blog for years, and the courage it takes to put my life out there for everyone to see and judge eludes me. You are an inspiration, (personal style included), and I know it must have been so hard for you to share this. I admire you so much and am so glad to have your blog as part of my daily reads.
Stay strong!! You can get through this!!
Sarah
thank you for this post! you are beautiful, talented and funny and you inspire more people than you realize through your daily blog posts on fashion with some life bits thrown in. thank you for expressing that it's ok to be vulnerable and it's ok to ask for help. wishing you the best as you move forward!
I love your site. Everyday check it . Today, I thought of commenting on it. You are beautiful inside out. Hugs and best of luck.
Kendi, I know how hard this post must have been for you to write + I admire you SO much for taking such a huge leap. I felt the same after my divorce, and writing about it gave me relief, support from readers and friends and a serious light at the end of a super dark tunnel. I had my first (and only so far) panic attack last summer and it was the worst feeling of my life. I felt like I was going to die in the next few minutes. I had to walk around the block, in tears, convincing myself I wasn’t going to. But it was one of the worst moments I can ever remember. So I know how horrible that is. Especially to keep a happy face and try to blog through everything. But, we all love you, and your blog, and will support you through everything – the funny and the sad, the good and the bad. Thank you for being so honest + amazing. You are a truly wonderful person who deserves the best. xo
So articulate, so stylish, so “Kendi!” I can totally relate, but this is just another facet of you and you wouldn’t be the same without this aspect. You don’t have to be perfect…..just be you.
Kendi, you darling, sweet, funny, beautiful, dear girl. I have been coming to your blog for a while now- by far you are my mostest favoritest style blogger in the world. I also struggled with panic attacks and bouts of depression for many years – starting about age 22. With a lot of therapy, processing, tears, etc, I haven’t had a panic attack in 2 years (thank you God/Goddess/Universe/Doctor/friends/family/medication/science). There was a time I feared I would never go 2 years without a panic attack. I know how frightening and painful they are and I guess I just wanted to say that you are not alone and you will get through this. I think your post is brave and courageous. I hope you feel all the love that is felt for you – look at all these warm, caring comments – we come because you are charming and funny and ridiculously stylish, but it’s more than that too – you are a beautiful soul, Miss Kendi. Just know I’m sending you tons of hugs and love (and that you’re bringing out my maternal side you young whipper snapper you). 😉 Be gentle with yourself and take good care – I actually think the fact you wrote this blog post shows that you ARE starting to take good care of yourself.
It's refreshing to hear the truth. We all know the truth. We live it everyday with our friends, coworkers, family. People get emotional, feel sad, angry, timid, unsure, grumpy.
It passes, but it's the truth.
zipstyleseattle.com
You are an inspiration, not just for our wardrobes but also for our daily lives. Take whatever path and time you need, and know that whatever you decide to share with us will be a blessing to the blogosphere. I hope your light stays strong!
This is such a well written post, even though it must have been so hard to write. I'm sorry to hear you have been struggling so much, but mostly I am just happy to read that you are feeling strong enough to share, that is a huge step for you. I hope you continue to see more light in the dark shadows and that you post whatever you want on the blog and whatever makes you happy. There is so much to worry with on the shop, don't let the blog add to your worry too. But mostly, just continue to get better 🙂
This is so brave. Thank you so much for sharing.
This message hits home to me. I am grateful for your honest words and I am here because of more than just clothes. You're an inspiration to me that with hard work, one can achieve great things. I am trying so hard to remember to stay in the moment and it's really hard! But I'm taking even more inspiration from you for being able to be honest with us because I'm not being so honest in my own life. Trying to juggle career, school, family and it is taking a toll on me. So thank you for reminding me that I'm not on an island. I hope that you find more light in those shadows.
Sending love + hugs your way, pretty.
You're not alone.
As someone who has battled depression, I feel you and totally feel for you. I think it takes bravery and courage to share this about your life and I'm so happy you did. You must allow yourself to heal and get better. I'm such a type A personalty and sometimes feel like there's only way to do things and usually push myself to my limit much too often. I don't hear the little voices in my head that tell me to slow down instead I go go go until I hit a wall. If you're not well, nothing else matters. Take care of yourself! Much love!
Ok, you’ve done it. You pulled me from my blog-stalker safe haven and now I am writing a comment. Maybe you won’t even see it in the midst of all these fabulous people, but I just wanted to say THANK YOU. Thank you, from the 27 year old girl who deals with anxiety (and it’s nasty sidekick depression) on a daily basis and who honestly counts yours as my fav blog ever. And it’s not just because of the clothes 🙂 I’m a stubborn fighter who refused doctors, treatments, drugs, etc for years, insisting that I can just work my way through it, but PLEASE know that I have seen the other side and you truly can never help others be happy until you help yourself. Learn that it is ok to be a little crazy (aren’t we all?) and it’s ok to be selfish when you need it. You are amazing, and inspirational, and thank you for sharing. Good luck on your journey, my friend. You still have at least one excited reader 🙂 Much love and prayers. <3
You sweet girl. I’m still learning that my crazy is okay, which I don’t know if anyone out there is really ready for this crazy. I, too, refused doctors or medicine for a while, but the minute I went I actually started to feel better. My pride took a hit though. It wasn’t fun to see my husband look at me and say “it’s bigger than you”. Makes you feel pretty small, doesn’t it?
Thank you for sharing your story with me. Gives me a little bit more hope that all will be okay soon 🙂 much love — k
I can identify with this. When I was in college, I started having horrible panic attacks (are there any that are non-horrible? probably not), because I put so much pressure on myself to be perfect in every aspect of my life. I’m still a perfectionist, but I’ve learned to take the messy with the perfect. It’s definitely a learning process and something I have to keep a check on, lest I slip back into that downward spiral of anxiety and stress. This will definitely get better! I love reading your blog and come back every day because you’re real and honest, and this post just confirms that. 🙂
Kendi-
Judging by the number of comments, you are not alone in this. I read this entire post with tears in my eyes. I too have suffered from anxiety and depression since my teens, and the way you explained it is exactly what it feels like. Although I don't know you personally, I think you are a brave, intelligent, beautiful, and strong person. It takes a lot to share something like this, but please know that you are not alone. I'm so glad that you have people in your life that are there for you because that's really what is most important. Please take care of yourself, your health and happiness are what matter most!
Ironically I just had a text with my oldest son whose best friend is also living (or not as the case may be) with depression about what a sad and frustrating thing depression is for the person dealing with it and those whose heart it breaks to see them suffer. Thank you for sharing and to keep the dialogue going. I know you helped many people today and that will come back to you in positive and wonderful ways.
Hi Kendi,
Your post struck a cord with me. I visit your blog for your beautiful clothes. The writing was ok, but I always felt that the words were different to that of other blogs. Like there was a lack of feeling to them. Not a criticism, just an observation, and I think this sums up why.
Take care of yourself. We will all still be waiting for you if you return to blogging, and so be it if you don't!
Whilst some may not connect to the real you, that too is ok. Others will, and more often than not, a step backward will equate to several forward!
I very much respect your honesty. I hope that each day feels better and better and you find peace again.
Much love to you.
Xx
Thank you for sharing this intimate part of your life with the blogging community. I have also struggled with anxiety and panic attacks and am a firm believer that sharing is power! The more we realize there are others who go through similar struggles the better off we will be. The stronger we'll be. You don't have to do it alone! So thank you. For showing that someone as beautiful and successful as you has struggles too. I feel empowered.
Thank you for sharing. I can identify with your story.
I wish I could give you a nice, long hug. Depression and anxiety are no joke. Love you Kendi! You are great – thanks for being so brave and honest.
Life is so hard. I have a completely different life than you and I feel this way many times: house keeping, meals, grocery shopping, house repairs, volunteer work, plus 3 kids. Life really is hard.
I hope my children take a loooong time to grow up.
i am so glad you shared this. for several reasons. it feels good to let it go, right? and so many of us can relate to so much of what you have gone/are going through. i've really enjoyed reading your blog the last few years, but my favorite moments are where you are yourself: your beautifully imperfect self. we all have those thorns in our side, and knowing we are not alone is so refreshing to see in the blog world. as a 28 year old stay at home mom who deals with small children all day, it's easy to let my mind to go to dark places. i pray god gives you peace. thank you again, kendi.
You are inspiring, always. The honesty is refreshing and helps the rest of us who also struggle with similar issues. Thank you for sharing yourself with us. You are amazing!
I know this exact feeling RIGHT NOW. it’s so incredibly comforting to know you’re not going crazy and that it’s not something you can control. society tends to think it’s something you can “work through” which is BULLSHIT, but talking candidly about it is the best way to explain and get more people to understand.
Ah yes, it is bullshit. I tried the better part of a year to make myself better. I stopped eating refined sugar and caffeine (I read that it alleviates symptoms. It kind of does but I started to miss ice cream.) I exercised more, I told myself I wasn’t as stressed, I felt more zen. But really I was bottling everything up that would come out eventually. Like it always does.
I’m sorry you are going through this, as well. I know it gets better, the waiting period just sucks sometimes. Best of luck to you, friend.
Thank you so much for this honest post, makes me feel like I’m not alone in the world, I can totally relate to feeling like a machine, and with overdosing yourself with work, still putting a happy face and pose to the camera. I can only imagine how hard it’s been to you, but I’m glad you are getting better, my recommendation? just go with the flow, if you feel like posting do it, if you don’t then take a break, that will help you breath and rest, don’t forget your priorities in life and don’t let the blog and the store be bigger thank Kendi, Kendi as a person with her own needs ands demands, take care of yourself and send you a huuuuuge hug!
Cee. ♥
Code Overdressed
I love you whether you’re using clothes, photographs, or words to express yourself.
Thank you for sharing this. It is a brave thing you just did and I respect you so much for it. By openly ackowledging something in your life that so many other women are secretly going through – you make the fight that much easier to handle.
Thank you. From the bottome of my heart.
oh man, girl. this was great, seriously. and totally unexpected, which makes it even better.
i am a blogger myself – a strictly comedic and irreverent blogger – but suffer from intense anxiety and have since i was a kid. only just recently has it come to a head in the last few months and i decided to take hold of it and see the right people and get on the right medication to help me out of my slump. it's a scary, shitty thing to talk about, especially to an audience whom you aren't sure will judge you or not.
but the fact of the matter is that 9 out of 10 people feel all of these things, whether they know it or not. the first step is recognizing what it is you're dealing with… then DEALING with it.
i'm proud of you and admire you deeply. just do whatever it is you need to do to feel better. you're #1.
love,
emma
http://www.emmasthing.com
Thank you for sharing! Everyone has hardships! I lost my mom earlier this year. This year has been hard. But there's light at the end of tunnel. I truly believe happiness is a choice. And its up to us to try and stay positive and see the good. Thanks for sharing! Love your blog!
My comment is very similar to another in that I can relate to your feelings and yet, I'm NOT a business owner. I'm a former elementary school teacher turned stay at home mom of 3, one of whom is a teenager. I go to sleep and wake up hoping that I don't mess them up too bad. I've never experienced a panic attack (I don't thing) but the feelings you wrote sound eerily familiar. You're not alone. And as an older reader/follower (I'm 41), I think you are special and look forward to hearing about YOU in your sweet corner of the internet. Take care of you…
I have panic attacks as a stay at home Mom of twins and also suffer from depression. Some days are better than others, but we trudge through the trenches and carry on. You can do it!
Kendi- I feel compelled to say thank you from the bottom of my heart for sharing. I have struggled with depression at about the same ages and it is extremely difficult to share. You are so brave, and I love reading your blog for you. Hang in there. Wishing you more light in the shadows and peace in your heart.
xoxo Natalie
Wow, you’ve been so brave and strong this whole time; not giving it away at all. Unfortunately, many of us struggle like this everyday and we hide our real selves. In writing this, you’ve given us a little more courage and strength to carry on and try to improve our situations as well. I’m glad you were finally able to share this, and I hope that you find a release with this post, and some peace in the coming days…
I don't know how you'll read all the comments. My guess is it will take you quite some time, but I want to say….thank you. Thank you for being a voice that many people can't choose to be. I found myself in you saying that you laugh and joke to remind yourself of who you use to be but that you can't really because it's not you anymore. I do the same thing. I think that this is the world we live in now. I think the majority of people feel the same you do. It's probably the reason psychology as a profession is exploding. We seek to improve our lives, and to keep up with 'The Jones's" to a point that it wreaks havoc on all of our lives. I think our society as a whole needs to hit the reset button and take a step back, evaluate what REALLY matters in life. I love clothes and fashion as much as the next person, but we all know that truly is not the key to happiness. I hope you find some healing over the coming weeks. You're a beautiful person, Kendi. Huge hugs from Wisconsin.
Just spent a half an hour reading comments people have left for you. There is a ton of love here. You are so inspiring. Your blog puts a smile on my face, and what do you owe me? Nothing. I hope some of these comments are able to put a smile on your face. I hope you continue feeling a little better every day. We all may have came for the cute outfits (which you deliver, every.time) but we stayed for you Kendi! Thank you for sharing.
Thanks for being transparent, honest, and awesome. In the wise words of Kevin Hart “You do you boo-boo”. 😉 Don’t worry about us. Take care of Kendi. <3
Bahaha that made me laugh. Thank you. I will do me. 😉
I am so glad you wrote this. It's amazing. I read people's blogs all the time, and I always think "wow, why can't I be as perfect and amazing as these people? Everyone else is beautiful and intelligent and funny and successful, and I'm such a loser." It's so inspiring when you find out that you're not the only one with life-long anxiety, with depression, with self-doubt or any other problem. I used to feel so guilty about my depression, like I was weak. Having to take medication was my secret shame – why couldn't I just snap out of it, just look on the bright side, use yoga or some natural remedy or something? But hearing from other people's experiences really does help – it makes you realize that you're not weak, you're not alone, and there's nothing to be ashamed of. If you need medication, take it. If you need a therapist, go to one. Whatever you need to live your life the way you want to. You deserve to be happy, whatever it takes to get there.
You're so awesome. really. And I'm so glad to see more of Kendi-ness. I'm one of those that follows the blog not just for the funny words that accompany amazing outfits I could never dream up, but also because you're so stinkin' fun! I hope that each day is brighter from here on out. 🙂
Hey! I don't even know how to begin. First, let me introduce myself. I'm Heloisa, 19 years old and I'm from Brazil. A few months ago I ended up here, possibly through another blog I can't remember. I finished high school in 2010, but I almost didn't because of depression and anxiety. To shorten it all, lately in 2011 I discovered how a panic attack can be awfull and the worst experience of my life, and it happened again and again… I'm better now, but I'm not studying or working because of my social anxiety. What do I do with all of my free time? Between normal things like going to the dentist twice a month because of my braces, two sessions of therapy a week… I read blogs. A LOT of them. Fashion, cosmetics, everything. Anyway, we never know how much someone is struggling and covering it all with fake smiles. Through the photos, I thought "Damn, this woman has a great style, it's married, has a great sense of humor and has a store… And I'm here, standing still for two years." I'm not happy to know about that part of you life, but that doesn't mean I don't care. I'm interested and I'm here to say you're not alone. Unfortunately, a lot of people have depression/anxiety disorder nowadays, even a kid (!). You just become a inspiration to me, to try to do more of my life, to put more effort and have a project. I'm a control freak too, but I need to learn how to deal with it and not stay on my house with the fear of failing at every-damn-thing.
Thanks very much for sharing this side of your life. You have all my respect and admiration. I'm sending lots of love to you and to the other girls who commented here to say they are in this with us. We can fight this, we are more strong than we think and we will win this war. Believe me and belive in yourself, darling. Take care! xoxo
Kendi,
Am in tears. Thank you so much for sharing this, such a courageous & brave thing to do.
I started to come to your blog about two years ago, and first it was to see your outfits (still is), but as time went on, it has been more to read your witty words and to get a little glimpse of your personality in each post. You have a lovely way of expressing yourself and your personality shines through in every post.
Yours is my favourite blog, and now even more so, thank you xx
Kendi, as someone who struggles with the confusion between ambition and dissatisfaction and severe panic attacks brought on by stress…I understand what you’re going through. Thank you for sharing. Your blog (even this one) is always a bright light in my day. Thank you for always being there at a click of a button.
I love the voice of your writing – and have since the first time I visited your site. I always saved it til last of my blog rounds because it was my favorite:) So glad you took the opportunity to be forthcoming with your audience about the stress and struggles. Dedicated readers will empathize and encourage and wish you the very best in everything you do. Thanks for being an entertainment and inspiration! I'm only sorry I never stopped by your store while I still lived in Dallas! Take care!
Thank you so much for sharing with us. I know that sharing about such things takes a lot of courage! And, as someone who has been there, know that you are not alone. I also have a blog and had been hesitant to share about my own struggles for fear or whatever- I guess just trying to save face. In reality, we're all human and you've accomplished so much at such a young age! That is definitely something to boast about! Hugs to you.
Kendi thank thank you thank you for sharing a bit of your life and struggles. As someone who has had panic disorder for most of her teen and adult life, my heart goes out to you in this time. Take it easy, give yourself grace and know that tomorrow is another day.
Kendi, it takes guts and courage to share something like this. You go, girl!! I’ve been there before, too. Your transparency and genuine, honest heart are encouraging.
Thanks so much for sharing. I suffer from depression and anxiety as well. I hope it helped to clean your slate and I hope things get better.
So honored you shared this with all of us! I bet you feel good right now! So funny, but I always look at your blog and you seem to have it ALL. So effortlessly stylish. Well, even with a little depression, you are still that! I think you will find your following grow, grow from this and I wish you happiness. I hope that this releases something that brings more sunshine into your life. You deserve it!
Vikki
This is the bravest thing I have read in so long. I've been reading your blog forever but I think this is the first time I've ever left a comment (reader fail – sorry about that!). I've been battling depression since my teens as well and I know how debilitating it can be. I just want to tell you that you're doing all the right things by admitting your problem (out loud) and seeking help. I wish I had been as strong. You're not alone in your struggle – but I'm sure you know that, as well as that it doesn't make it any easier – and you deserve the time to figure out how to manage your illness and learn to breathe. Thank you for writing this, and for being exactly who you are.
Kendi this post brought tears to my eyes. When I first found your blog almost exactly two years ago I was at the lowest point of my life battling severe anxiety and depression. I may have come for the outfits but I stayed for you, your personality and humor. When you told us about the store I was so happy and proud for you, and I have always thought how hard it must be for you. I admire you for confronting this situation and for being brave enough to be honest about things with both yourself and us. Please do whatever you need to do. We will all be here for you.
Kendi, real is always better, even if the real really sucks. Be brave, carry on, rest and heal. I’ve been there (I might still be, life is rough sometimes). Take care of you.
Your post touched me. All women wage an internal public relations war when it comes to ourselves, how we look and the feelings we share. You are brave, strong, beautiful and I’ll be sending love and prayers your way.
I just wanted to say that your clothes are amazing, but you’re in my all-time-favorite-blogs-list because of you and your personality. Which might seem a little crazy since I not even know you at all. Keep strong, Kendi, you’ll be happy again.
My first bout of depression was when I was 13, and I’ve experienced it on and off, along with anxiety, for 30 years (I’m 43 now). Just know you are not alone. I get it, and clearly many of your readers do, too. Recently, I read a blog about depression that was so good, because it was so dead on that I have to share it. It made me laugh despite the reality of it. I suppose after 30 years, I’ve become more comfortable with my depression, and I know it will pass. Take care of yourself and know that you are enough.
http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2013/05/depression-part-two.html
I have been lurking here for a long time, looking forward to seeing your posts, thinking what a lovely, cool chick you are…. you are a million times cooler to me today. Someone recently told me, “everyone has something they need to work on”, and it reminds me no one is perfect, we all have our struggles. Thank you for sharing your story.
Kendi ,I love you. no one who has met you , doesn’t love you .believe me … to hell with being strong… sometimes you just have to let go..remember when my mom died.. it was so hard and I was gonna be so strong.. I was gonna work.. I was gonna keep moving on, but all of you were there for me and gave e the chance to break… you and bryan and others gave me the time to come to grips with it.. and I thank you.. If I can help let me KNOW !! LOVE you Donna
Donna — I hope you get this reply. I love and miss you guys more than you will ever know! Your message means the world to me, I might have even cried a little. Thank you, friend. I hope you are doing well. Hopefully we can come see you this summer!
That was really brave. And judging from the rest of the comments this post elicited, most of us can relate.
I follow about 30 different style blogs (I’m a super-freak, I know, and not the cool Rick James kind) but yours is one of maybe 5 that I actually read. You never fail to make me laugh. If I have my laptop out and am giggling my husband says “Are you reading Kendi?”.
You’re a dope dresser and your posts brighten my day. Thanks for that.
Thank you for sharing your life – not just photos of your life – but who you really are.
Those fears that make you feel that pressure, like your problem is sitting on your chest and you can’t move – so many other people, including myself, have read this and can relate.
As much as this is a style blog, we all have been checking up on your blog every day to see what’s new with you. It’s like you are more of a friend more so than a blogger from the other side of the world. Thank you for being a true friend, and trusting us all with how you have been feeling.
You’re not alone.
Thank you for sharing that. I am sure that you helped more than one person by opening up.
I may be biased because I’m a therapist but GOOD FOR YOU. I kinda feel like printing this out and giving it to some of my teen girls…that’s not weird, right…?
At any rate, you hit the nail on the head. We come here for clothes but we also come because you are a person and in some strange internetty way, we really care about your life and all its parts. Sometimes it’s okay to be not okay. Hang in there!
So much love to you, Kendi. I hope that you are feeling better soon. It’s okay to share this side of yourself, as many (if not most) of your readers can probably relate 🙂 You are brave.
Thank you for sharing something so difficult. Your choice of words expressed it so well. I am sorry that you are feeling like this but I hope you are having more brighter moments than dark ones now. Don’t be hard on yourself….you don’t need to apologise to “us” for your feelings, your blog is fantastic and I am sure everyone follows you for that reason. Try not to feel that you are letting people down by sharing this about yourself….you are not. You are human. If you had a physical illness, I imagine it would be easier to share and explain.. Sadly the stigma of depression still lingers but by sharing your brave experiences Kendi, this goes a long way towards changing that. Be gentle on yourself. Everyday write down 3 things that you are grateful for or that makes you happy! Use this to remind yourself during the dark times. Thanks again for being so brave xxx
Hi Kendi. Thanks for having a blog. Thanks for sharing. I’m praying for you. Life’s already getting better because you’ve conquered another fear!
You must be one of the bravest people I ‘know’!!! May God bless you as you press on. Just through you writing (very eloquently, I might add), I KNOW that you’ve helped and encouraged women who read your posts. How cool is that?!? You’re on my prayer list. Blessings to you and your hubby!
Kendi, you are a wonderful person. I like you, just you! Of course you wear clothes so well but it was your spirit and honesty that made your blog so special. I support whatever you do in life, blog, no blog..bloom no bloom..It is you that shines..
Thank you for sharing this. I’ve loved your blog for a long time, and now I love it even more. Honesty is golden.
Kendi, you are in my prayers. I come to your blog for more than just the clothes and the humor. So brave of you to share this.. Thank you for being real.. xo
Kendi,
I have read every one of your posts. Thank you for sharing this part of you. I needed it today. You’re so stron and you’re not alone… And now I know I’m not alone either.
Thank you, Halley
Thank you so much for sharing, Kendi! Your honesty and transparency is incredibly refreshing and encouraging. I highly recommend a book I just finished reading called, Free fall to fly by Rebekah Lyons. Again, thank you so much for sharing…
Kendi, you have always been and inspiration to me and I want to thank you for sharing this. I recently started my own fashion line and I also work with my fiancé on his love music video business. I understand the stress of working for yourself and with your partner, worrying about bills, finances, your relationship, what to do next, and how to keep going. I didn’t get a chance to read this post until now because I spent most of my day crying and worrying about how I’m going to pay my rent and stock my online shop. Thank you for making me feel like it is okay to need a break, and that it is best to be honest with myself and others. I have been denying it for a long time, but I am struggling with many of the same things that you are. I’m having a hard time coping with the little things, and it helps so much to know that I’m not alone. Thank you thank you thank you for sharing this. I feel stronger just from reading it. Hopefully you and I can find some peace and satisfaction soon.
Oh Kendi, you are amazing and inspiring! Thank you for sharing this part of your life with us!
~Jessica
Kendi, there are a lot of style blogs out there with cute outfits, but I don’t read the words on many of them. When I visit Kendi Everyday, even if I’m not loving your look that day, I still scroll to the end of the post to read whatever witty comment I know you have waiting for me. I love that you keep it real and try to be honest. That’s what keeps me coming back.
Couldn’t have said it better.
Thank you for sharing with us Kendi. It’s one of the many reasons I love your blog. Your honesty here is a powerful thing, and I feel as though I have learned a lot just from reading this post in particular. You are remarkable.
Kendi, I’ve been reading your blog for quite a while, but I never commented. However, reading this, I have to say, that you are incredible for sharing this. I’m so sorry for all you have to go through, but carry on. I hope you find your peace.
So brave & so moving! Thank you for sharing. Your writing style & wit have always kept me coming back – AND to be inspired by the bravery you’ve always shown (opening a store is pretty damn brave you know 😉
I also loved that you shared this particular part of your life with us, because it makes us (aka: me) feel less alone. I haven’t struggled with panic attacks but I’ve been overstuffing my plate with things to do – something that have brought a constant feeling of stress in my body, I can’t plan for longer than a day ahead, I’m always worrying about everything and I get snappy for nothing. Not things I’m enjoying nor does my family 😉
I’ve decided to scale back and rest more – even when I feel like I can’t. And it’s comforting to know that whatever you’re feeling in this world – someone else feels it too. We’re really never alone.
So again, Thank you for sharing and I’m cheering you on, feeling better and better, day by day!
Kendi, yours is the only fashion blog I read. Why? Because you’re real, you’re brave (opening a store is so brave in my books, if only I had the guts), you’re funny, you’re honest.
Thank you for sharing!
Hope you conquer this mountain! You can do it!
I cant begin to tell you how much this post means to me. I have struggled with depression and still worry and fight with it everyday, its so refreshing to read something that sounds like it could have been written by me. thank you so much for sharing, i feel like you gave me the words that i cant quite figure out how to share with others.
Stay Strong, and thank you
Kendi – I know it makes no difference whether I comment here and acknowledge what you’ve written but it feels wrong for you to share so much, such raw emotion that clearly took a long time to pen, only for me to shut down the page and move on to the next. I truly hope this was cathartic for you and that you are now receiving the help you need. The very best of luck with everything and when you are ready, I too would love to hear more about Bloom and what it’s like working with Bryan. Virtual hugs from the UK x
this is such a brave post – I hope your days continue to get brighter 🙂
How incredibly brave of you! Be kind and gentle with yourself, you deserve the best!!
You are lovely and a ray of hope. Please take good care of yourself. There is only one you!
I’ve been reading your blog for a long time, and it did seem like lately something had changed, but I just put it off as you being more consumed with the daily grind of running a store.
I just want to say that you have legions of fans who are rooting for you and that you are not alone in this. I’ve had panic attacks before and they are so awful that it’s hard to keep moving on with your life afterwards. I hope being able to write this post was at least a little bit cathartic and that no having to hide this part of you helps lift your burden.
Eres muy valiente. Yo también estoy recuperándome de una depresión. Estoy de baja. Nos pondremos bien. Pero necesitamos tiempo. También ir más despacio. Un beso muy fuerte
That was so brave of you. Thank you so much for sharing! I hope that your days continue to get brighter 🙂 and it’s such an inspiration that you opened up and shared this aspect of your life with us.
Thank you Kendi for being so brave and honest. Yesterday I had a really bad, depressed day and ended up crying hysterically, about nothing in particular. Reading your post this morning it felt like you were reading my mind! It’s so important to tell others what we’re going through, if we can – it’s surprising how many others know *exactly* what you mean, and we can take comfort and reassurance in one another. Wishing you lots of strength and thank you again.
You’re still funny and still gorgeous – now you’re just free in your heart because you have a weight lifted off of you since you have shared. All is good, or is on it’s way to being good, in your world, and in ours who support you. 🙂
thank you for being brave enough to share this <3
Hi Kendi,
I have been reading your blog for last 2 years and have enjoyed it so much. I too live in a remote destination and I wud get inspired on how you started something new and not got into depressions etc. i was so surprised to read this today and I must say you are brave to write this and share with us. I think all of us have our ups and downs and we get over them, so will you. I wish you so much of happiness, keep smiling……it is beautiful.
As someone who had the pressure on her to be the pianist, the humorist, the fashionista of her friends, the social arranger, the A+ student, and the one who puts more pressure on herself than any of her loved ones…I can totally relate. The last four years of my life have been the beginnings signs of anxiety and depression. Having had grown watching my mom battle depression, I was bound and determined to “control” that from happening to me. What I’ve learned in the pain of this horrible, uncomfortable state of uncontrollable anxiety and depression is when we allow others in, allow ourselves grace and acceptance for what we can and can’t change, and love each moment…there is freedom. It is important that we speak out and I’m proud of you for doing so pretty fashionista sista.
Kendi, thank you for being brave enough to share this. We are the same age and I am constantly amazed at how many friends have struggled through mental health issues alone – I think everyone knows someone who has experienced this. Firstly, I am glad you are speaking about it and getting lots of support from family and doctors. Secondly, as a first-time commenter, I’m sorry I haven’t let you know before how much I enjoy your writing and pictures – I am full of admiration for the way in which you have established your business and kept your blog current and interesting (and all the more so now I know what you have been dealing with). I wish you all the very best now and in the future weeks and months, i’m sure you’ll be back to yourself in no time but in the meantime know that I (and countless others) am thinking of you and sending love and prayers to you x
Beautifully and honestly written. God Bless!
You are a brave woman. I always admired your beauty, style, the funny way you wrote your posts, your hardwork, and now I have something bigger to admire. Your courage. I have been struggling with this situation myself and how hard it is to admit it to your self, you husband, family and close friends. Let alone to millions of readers. You are helping so much people with your “confession”, I hope you know that! This is something to be really proud of! take your time to recover. We will all be here waiting for you. THANK YOU! Cecilia S.
After seeing all the comments others have written, I hope it is clear that sharing the truth was a brave and remarkable choice. You are such a beautiful writer and person. I hope, in time, you achieve the same happiness that you give to others every day.
Thank you so much for sharing this…
Hi, You already know it by the hundreds comments to your post, but as a long reader of the blog (comment for the first time) I also want to say that you’re beautiful, amazing, brave, charming, interesting and sparkling… whatever you decide to write, dress or do.
A person even on a style blog is never only clothes and accessories. A person is everything that is inside the head and the beautifully dressed body and that everything makes the outside appearance interesting and magnetic or not. So I personally will continue to come here and will be glad to read whatever you decide to write for us, will continue to wait for your outfits and to collect the favorites and will wish for you to feel all your power and health again. The dark room is dark but it has a door. The good thing is that this door is always there, we just have to reach for it.
Thank you for being so brave in sharing this. Wishing you brighter days ahead.
Thank you for sharing this brave, beautiful, honest post. I also grapple with anxiety and depression (and try to hide it from friends and family). Knowing that a writer/blogger/person I admire so much shares some of the same struggles, yet still manages to live a full, successful life is so heartening and inspiring. Thank you again for sharing. I know it wasn’t easy.
Kendi – I’ve been a blog lurker for a few months, and while I always enjoy your posts, this moved me to comment. I have nothing to add to the love and support from the many comments before mine, but do want to echo the sentiments – you deserve happiness, no matter the struggle to create it, and “bravo” to you for not only recognizing this, but sharing it. It takes a lot of courage to voice your struggles, and I’m certain it resonates with many of your readers. Best wishes moving ahead – this post just shows you’re strong enough to keep getting better!
Thank you for sharing this Kendi. Its been very brave of you to open publicly your feelings. I’ve been in your shoes in the past but always fear to write a post like that! You give me strenght to do it now 🙂 So thank you and I hope that you will feel better and stronger soon enough! Life is beautiful and simple, never forget that!
x
You’re very brave, you will handle it and find your own way. I think there is always a way. Good luck Kendi ! Take care 🙂
Kendi, I hope you find your happiness and light again. You truly deserve it. Keep your chin up, the sun shine will feel good again. Take care. xo
Thank you. This helped me more than you’ll ever understand.
Thank you for sharing. Please quit apologizing. You haven’t done anything wrong and quite frankly you’re a delight. Stay strong beautiful.
Thank you for writing such a beautiful and open post. I am a long time reader (but first time commenter) and I keep coming back because in some strange, internet way you seem like a friend and someone I would like in person. All the best on recovering and healing. Thank you again
Kendi,
You have so much to be proud of. Your words are thoughtful and brave and they inspire others to be as fearless as you are. You have touched on a struggle that is personal for you, but is clearly shared by so many of your readers, myself included. It is remarkable how much weight can be lifted by simply knowing that others share your pain. Thank you for sharing this.
-E
Dear Kendi,
This blog had me in tears by the end, not tears of sadness but ones of joy because I too have suffered and off with depression since I was a teen. I know all too well what you are talking about and even more how important it is to confront your depression head on and that part of that confrontation as difficult as it is to tell people that you are depressed. I am so happy to hear that you have gone to a doctor, my last serious bout of depression was in 2010 and luckily I found an amazing therapist who I saw weekly for over 6 months and it did wonders for me.
I am so happy that you chose to share this and I look forward to you sharing more about bloom and your life, the good, the bad and the ugly. It has been a real pleasure following your blog over the years and I think I understand now why I felt a depth to you even though as you say you didn’t share much beyond the surface on here.
I wish we could meet for a cup of coffee because I know for me when I was healing talking to others who actually understood how I felt and what I had been going through inside was tremendously helpful. And no it’s not weird at all to me that you have been so depressed but so smiley and sunshiney in your photos, that’s quite normal actually. That’s how it is with depression, you push through, you put on the happy face, you keep putting one step in front of the other until you realize one day that you just can’t anymore.
Anyway, this comment is long enough I think, so in closing I’ll just say THANK YOU for being you. Since you’ve been through this before you know that this too shall pass but you probably also know that the only way out is through; so as much as you can (since being a control freak tends to go hand in hand with depression) try to let go and let God.
Much Love!
Shayla
Thank you so much for sharing this tough time with all of us. I’m so sorry you’ve been dealing with this. I hope you start to feel much more like yourself really soon. I wish you lots of sunshine and happiness.
Hi Kendi, this is my first time commenting on a post of yours, although I love pretty much every outfit you have ever worn! Thank you for sharing this with your readers. As someone who would struggle with similar experiences I often find myself feeling inadequate, and my life boring, when I read blogs/twitter/facebook and compare my life to others. Hearing that behind your very beautiful photographs you are dealing with such problems reminds me once more that comparing myself to others is futile as I never know what goes on “behind the scenes”. I hope that you found sharing your story as cathartic as I found reading it. I hope you find your inner peace in time.
Kendi- Thanks so much for sharing your story. Know that your honesty will make a difference for someone!
I found myself nodding while reading the “maybe it’s not the clothes that bring you here” part! Blogs are such a cool thing because we (readers) feel like we know someone even when we don’t. Keep telling your story….and keep wearing clothes! 🙂 We love it all- even the real, honest, not-so-pretty stuff.
Take pride in your ability to come clean and start over. That’s a great thing!
Take care of yourself.
My Mum álways says ”put your own oxygen maks on first”. It’s a good one!
…should read mask!
praying for you kendi, you are an inspiration
thank you for sharing your struggles. love and prayers!
The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity and an understanding of life that fills them with compassions, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen.
-Elisabeth Kubler-Ross
i’ve read your blog for year(s?) and i’ve never felt moved to comment until today. as a person living with bipolar II and anxiety, i’m always so glad when others are brave enough to talk about their struggles with their brain and emotions out loud. it makes it easier for all of us. and goodness knows it’s not easy to live through, much less talk about – but i always knew i liked you for a reason: your quick wit, your smarty sarcasm, your adorableness – all pointed to a deeper understand of the human spirit. take care of yourself. and the tears you’ve moved me to this morning are as much tears of joy for knowing a kindred spirit, as tears mourning your own passage through the darkness. bless you.
Thank you so much for sharing your struggles. I know it couldn’t have been an easy thing, but I know many of your readers can identify with the emotion, depression, and feelings you are dealing with. Wishing you all the best. I sincerely hope you continue to share your life with us. I’ve always wanted to know more about the girl behind the beautiful clothes!
I have followed your blog for several years now and felt compelled to comment. Know that we all have similar struggles and that this took the most courage. Good for you for understanding what you need and going after it. Sending you a virtual hug 🙂
You are brave and strong. As someone who has lived with depression for years, I’m cheering you on.
I remember emailing you when you were first planning on opening Bloom — I shared my book that was so many years in the making — and you were kind enough to respond.
Do what’s best for you in the time and manner you need to. All else will follow. xo
Thank you for being so honest. I have been to those shady places myself and I don’t wish it on any one. You have a host of people cheering you on and I an one of them.
Your blog brings me so much joy into my life. All your outfits are so bright and fun! Thanks for blogging.
As someone who has suffered with anxiety and depression for 20 years, thank you so much for telling your story. I too am someone who always seemed so happy and well-adjusted to everyone while inside, I was a mess. Congratulations on seeking and accepting help! Hopefully your story will help others who need it!
Thank you for sharing and for being honest. I definately love your blog for your wit, for the clothes and for the life stories. We’re not all perfect and it’s OK to be vulnerable
You are incredibly strong for sharing your struggle with us. I come to your blog almost everyday to see your outfit and have often wondered what the rest of your world looked like. I am an (ahem) older reader. Over forty, we’ll leave it at that. haha. I have GAD, generalized anxiety disorder and I know all too well what the panic feels like, and the depression too. Please know that you are not alone. I am so glad you went to the Dr. I will pray for you because that is where my help comes from. You are truly beautiful and it is certainly not just your cute clothes. Take all the time you need to heal. Know that so many people love your through your blog.
thank you so much for your authenticity!!!!!! big hugs from austin, texas!!
I love reading your blog and what you share through your blog. You are so brave to post your struggles, as we all have struggles in life and often times we are afraid to share…sometimes sharing is a path to feeling better and stronger! I am sending lots of strong and positive energy your way. Take time to take care of yourself.
So, what you’re saying is….you’re normal. Whew!
This post brought me to tears! Thank you for sharing this Kendi. It’s so funny how us bloggers are quick to share the good parts of our lives, but hide the bad parts – and isn’t real life a big mix of good AND bad? I admire your strength and your courage in sharing this part of your life with us. You are a wonderful role model and you should be so proud.
xo
CK
http://loveyourclothesloveyourself.com
I am so happy you shared this side of you. More often than not, people hide this side of themselves. Thank you for putting this out into the world and making depression less of a stigma and more of a relate-able struggle. You don’t know how much of a positive impact just writing this can do for so many people. Thank you!
Kendi, thank you thank you for sharing. My thoughts are with you. I think you’re brave to speak up about how you’re truly feeling. You made my day. Megan
I look forward to your blog everyday and believe you are a very talented person. I’ve learned a lot in the past two years about myself and life. Finding the positives in every single day is a very important thing and knowing that you are enough is another. Thank you for sharing your story, as hard as it was to write and to put yourself out there, how amazing could it be that you helped someone in a similar situation! You were changing lives hiding but even more awesome is that you are now changing lives by NOT hiding!
I’ve read your blog for a while but this may only be my second or third comment. I think people are drawn to blogs for the purpose of kinship. I read your blog and chuckle to myself because we have similar senses of humor and similar closets. But it’s posts like these that help everyone to feel a little less alone. I’ve only had a small taste as to what that anxiety feels like and I know that it’s crippling. It’s clear by the 700+ comments that everyone is proud of you and thankful for your vulnerability on this strange public platform. This is what your 17,000 followers are after – community, not just clothes. Be encouraged, friend 🙂
So glad you are getting help and discussing your depression. I love your honesty and that you are showing us both sides of you. Keep rocking those great looks and sharing whatever you want with us. We are here for you.
Thank you for writing this post. I read your blog everyday (my mom does too) and my boyfriend also suffers from a very, very similiar situation of depresson and anxiety. once we think we’ve gotten past it – a year later it can bubble up and he ends up in bed for up to a week. important to know that YOU ARE NOT ALONE. i find that sharing and talking about the situation, helps. its comforting. its comforting to open up to someone and hear them say “i deal with the same issue”. I hope you find peace and are able to enjoy the successes you have created!
Like many other readers, I have followed your blog for some time but have never commented. I enjoy fashion blogs and the bloggers usually seem to live these charmed lives filled with perks. I cannot thank you enough for being open and real with all of us.
I too have experienced anxiety and depression in addition to losing my mother. It’s beyond difficult to carry the weight of the world in your twenties, in a time when we’re supposed to be carefree and fun. I often keep my pain to myself, pretending to be happy when I’m not. Your post has clearly initiated an outpouring of empathy and understanding, something that people suffering from anxiety and depression often need the most. Your post serves as a reminder that SO many people can relate and are hurting too. I hope that your courage inspires others to also share their experiences and find that invaluable empathy and understanding we could all use a little more of. Thank you.
Thank you so much for sharing, Kendi. It’s hard to hear about your very human struggles, but you’re right that we follow your blog to hear about YOU, not just your fashion sense. 🙂 thank you for being brave. xoxo
Kendi, this is exactly why I read your blog. Thanks for being real. I have felt that about you since I started reading your blog. I know you say you sugar coat things but we can see real life peek through too. Thank you. I too break down crying in public because sometimes life is just too much. but more often than not my perspective shifts. perspective can be a powerful thing indeed.
Thank you so much for sharing this! Your bravery, honesty, and (as always) writing talent made this an absolutely beautiful read. All the best. xo
You are not alone 🙂 Never look so dark, before sunrise.
Thanks so much for your honesty and vulnerability. Love, love, love your blog and love the ‘you’ that you have so bravely shared with us.
Kendi, thank you for sharing this, it’s exactly what I needed to hear! I am in the process of starting a fashion blog, but am having a really hard time of posting pics of myself. I’m realizing I’m a VERY private person, but I love fashion and finding deals, so I want to share! Anyways, I love your blog and style, and hearing how real you are makes me want to go for it! Thank you!!
I’ve been there before and I am there now. You are not alone.
~Allison
Kendi, you are so brave to share this! And you have so many followers and fans, and I KNOW this touched a lot of people and many can relate who have also been afraid to admit. I know the feeling of not wanting to “put it out there” when there are negative thoughts…I admit, I haven’t reached this level of bravery yet myself to do so, but thank YOU for your honesty. I love following your posts, your sense of humor, and your candidness.
Never quite knew why I followed your blog (besides for your being funny & cute) but now I do. Thanks for sharing and being real.
You’re not alone: I am also a small-business owner of 2 years or less, and have struggled my whole adult life with panic attacks and the dread of waking up every day, during my more stressful periods. Lean on your husband, your parents, your friends – this what what they’re there for.
You’ll be fine!
Kendi, I hope that saying it out loud on your blog will make you feel lighter – and the outpouring of support you’re receiving will make you feel loved!
I was going to say that I so hope you’ve been to a doctor – and I’m glad you have! Thank you, thank you for sharing this. You ARE so brave. I’m working through some depression and anxiety myself, so I know this road – I’m traveling it, too. I put on a good game face.
I love whatever you post – be it clothes, or a glimpse into your life! Thank you for all of it!
I have hidden my lifelong struggle with depression from family, friends and even my husband and kids now. I never want to been as weak. Thank you for sharing your experience, maybe I will start talking to someone about this too…
A very brave and beautiful post. I think people can feel more identified with you with this kind of post, because they can see all of you. Not just come here to your page because your “sunny days” or cool posts but because of the harmony in which you can share both sides of your life, the good things and the bad ones, your “good hair days” and your “bad hair days” (:
It would be such an honor to hear both sides of you. That makes you not weaker but stronger, unbreakable because of your vulnerability.
I wish you have a great day! I didn’t followed you before but you gained one follower today!. I would like to follow the life of such a transparent and genuine person, which accepts both sides of herself.
You’ll do great in anything you do.
Kisses from Mexico,
CL
oops, I meant, I never wanted to be seen as weak..
You are so brave. Thank you for sharing!
No hay nada mas sano que afrontar nuestros propios miedos. No hay nada mas sanos que sacarle la sabana a nuestros fantasmas.
Gracias por todo lo que nos das. Gracias por darnos esta verdadera clase de estilo. Por que el verdadero estilo empieza con ser autenticos y fieles a nosotros mismos. Te felicito por tu coraje..
Thank you for writing this 🙂 I love your blog and your honesty here.
Hi Kendi-
Thank you for being so brave and sharing your story! I too, have suffered from depression after my son was born. I am a positive, happy, upbeat person by nature so when depression hit me, I was in major denial. The only person who knew something was wrong was my husband. I was much too scared to admit how I was truly feeling. After about 5 months, I finally got help from an amazing therapist and medication. I know some of what you wrote about, but you will get through this! I absolutely adore you and your blog. Mostly, because of you share you super funny sense of humor. I love reading what you post and then looking at your outfit! I know if we met we would be friends in real life! So, I sincerely hope you find some comfort during this time of suffering. Be kind and loving to yourself. Don’t have such high expectations for yourself. These are things my therapist has been teaching me 🙂 A mantra that I repeat to myself on a regular basis is, “It’s OK, I’m not perfect.” This actually brings me peaces and helps me to remember to accept myself for who I am. Praying for you and sending lots of positive thoughts!
I’ve read your blog for a long time now. You are so wonderful and I hope you know that. Take care!
Kendi, it’s so awesome and brave that you posted this. I can totally empathize with you on the depression and the panic attacks. So I also know just how hard it must have been to acknowledge it publicly. I don’t know you, but I’ve followed your blog for awhile, and I’m proud of you, girl! This is only going to help. Thanks and keep us posted cause we care. *hugs*
Kendi – I was so deeply touched. You are mature beyond your years and you and Bryan took on so much. That is the problem with being talented, capable and creative. So easy to take on so much.
All your friends at Laity are here for you. Maybe time for you and Bryan to come to the canyon. We’d love to see you, dear friend.
Kendi,
I know I am one of many to say this, but you are not alone. I too, have been through depression and only a select few in my life knew about it (my own family still doesn’t know). We all know what you described and each of us experience it in different ways and I’m here to tell you that it’s okay to share how you feel. Don’t be afraid to share with your fans/readers/customers how you feel because chances are, there are many who are going through the same thing as you are. There are also people who need to hear your story because it helps them with their struggles. Always find comfort that your story, what you’re going through, is helping someone else. 🙂
I came across your blog last year and was so inspired to see how you took the risk to be your own boss and thought, “Dang, she has a boutique AND blogs! She’s Wonder Woman!” I’m just getting started with blogging myself and realized that in order to help myself through situations, I have to talk about it. I take this post as a sign that it’s okay to express how I feel and not just through clothes either.
There are so many people you do not know who loves you. Your readers and customers love you. God loves you. I will definitely be praying for you.
Remember that the moon and stars light up the night and that the sun will always rise. 🙂
I normally don’t comment a lot, but do know that I read your blog daily. Thank you for sharing your style, your thoughts, honesty and most of all, your dang funny humor!
Love,
Huong
I wish you great strength. It’s hard to see the beauty in life, but I hope you do (soon)
I found this post by accident, but I wanted to comment.
This was an absolutely brave post. As I tell my daughter, it’s not brave to do scary things, it’s brave to do things that YOU find scary. I was touched by your honesty. And, I’m a man! 🙂
Please, if you haven’t already done so, find a good therapist too. It sounds like your depression has a genetic component (although I’m lucky and it missed me, my father and both brothers deal with it), life stresses are the other factor in making it happen. Medication can help deal with the physical/neurological part, but medication and therapy together allow you to deal with both parts (I am a psychologist).
Good luck.
I did notice you shared less about your everyday life than you used to. I miss the sharing. I like the outfits but I go to blogs for the people. I can imagine this post being almost impossible to write. I had a post I shared in September about being depressed. Then GOMI forums went and talked about it. UGH.
I think many people have some form of depression and anxiety at some point and since people don’t share it everyone feels like they are abnormal when they have it.
Thank you for sharing this.
(This is Colleen from Scrap and Run. I had issues logging in with google so I used twitter.)
You are brave to share your heart here. Thank you so much for being honest! Sending up a prayer right now that God gives you the space you need to heal and the grace to make the changes you need to make so that you don’t keep wearing yourself down. Life is too short to kill yourself slowly with work and anxiety! Bless you, sweet Kendi, for being a breath of fresh air and for all the times you’ve brought a smile to my life since I started following your blog. I think your influence is going to grow in sync with your level of authenticity.
I love your honesty! I have been reading your blog for a few months, for your adorable outfits, but love the bits and pieces of your life that you have been able to share with your readers.
Anxiety and depression can be a scary thing. So absolutely overwhelming… I have anxiety, not severe by any means but it affects day to day life, sometimes drastically. Never feeling like you can quit catch your breath, then I was tested for a genetic mutation… It’s called mthfr and it has changed my life for the better!!! Amazing how one gene passed down from generation to generation, affecting each person differently can make such a difference! Apparently it is something 40-60% of the population has and has no idea!!!!
Good luck with everything I hope things turn around quickly!
like those lined by Ernest Hemingway. You are really a mature person compared to your years. nice post really. xo
– Vinnie
stone range hood
I have owned a small boutique in Portland, OR now for 7 years and I found your post comforting in that everyone thinks this is the easiest and most fun job around. And I agree, it’s awesome and I wouldn’t want to do anything else, but it’s also very, very hard and very, very stressful. Hang in there, it does get easier! You will develop times to handle stuff…like I only open the mail and pay bills on Tuesdays so that I don’t stress about them all week. And more and more of these things will start to fall into place over the years and make the stress of it all more manageable.
Thank you for sharing, it is the hardest thing to do, but we all love you and your blog and want the best for you and by sharing, you are helping all of us, too. Much love and prayers for you, Tiffany.
I’ve never commented on a style blog, but I just wanted to let you know how much I admire you for writing this post. I’ve been fighting depression with varying degrees of success for the past six years, and although I “know” that many people struggle with depression, it’s easy to feel isolated, like I’m the only one, like I’ve failed in an area where everyone else is so easily successful. It means a lot to know that someone I’ve long admired (that’s you!) is dealing with a lot of the same things that I am. I wish you the best of luck on your path to wellness, and I hope you know that this post means so much to me. I’ve always loved Kendi Everyday for its humor and beauty, but I love it even more now for its authenticity and openness.
As someone diagnosed with manic depression during the tumultuous teen years (8th grade specifically), please know I completely understand what you are going through. I look forward to hearing how you heal and what makes all of your days bright!
XO
I have been reading your blog for a couple years now and have always wondered what’s behind the comedic tone and the outfits and I really appreciate your honesty in this post, I am very sorry you’ve had to deal with depression but just want you to know that this reader doesn’t just read your blog to see your outfits, you are a real person with feelings and issues just like everyone else, and it’s up to you want you want to write about but I hope you feel freedom in writing honestly and knowing that your readers care about you as a person
Dostoyevsky writes, “Pain and suffering are always inevitable for a
large intelligence and a deep heart. The really great men must, I think,
have great sadness on Earth.”
Kendi, I stumbled upon your blog today because I’ve heard about it ’round the blogosphere and wanted to check it out. I am so glad that this is the first post of yours that I read. Thank you for sharing your innermost struggles, because I know your readers & strangers are grateful to hear and can relate. I, too, struggle with negativity/anxiety/depression, but had not really admitted it to myself or anyone other than my boyfriend until recently. Someone reminded me yesterday that Happiness is a Choice and I am finally coming around to that profound idea. Like any problem, the first step to conquering it is awareness. Here’s to being aware and taking the steps towards a brighter life. You are loved :] God Bless <3
Thankyou for sharing. My sister suffers from panic attacks and depression and your eloquent and honest post has helped me understand more about what she is going through. You are very brave and I hope you feel better soon.x
You are so brave.
I’ve battled depression over the past 3 years off and on. I found so much help in getting a therapist and being able to talk to someone (not a friend) about my issues. As I’m sure you know, it gets better. Good luck!
Been reading your blog for a while and each time I do, I feel like I know you better. *Crazy right? But true*
Reading this, just makes me realize that you’re not only beautiful on the outside, you truly are beautiful on the inside too. Warts and all. IF having panic attacks and depression could be categorized as warts….in a totally non-negative way.
Augh, I hope you get what I mean here. I think you rock and it took a lot of cajones to put this on your blog. Major props, Kendi.
Glad to hear that you are taking care of yourself. Sharing this on your blog is definitely an important step in healing. As a lifelong depression and anxiety sufferer, I can really relate to this. Sometimes just day to day life is hard. I have learned though, that it is ok to ask for help, even for little things, and it is ok to give yourself permission to just deal with things in your own way. Sometimes we raise our expectations of ourselves too high and it sets us up to feel like failures when in fact we are really succeeding. Many people come to your blog every day for inspiration and an escape and you should feel very proud.
Good luck to you, and I hope you will continue to feel that you can share more on your blog and connect to others.
You are brave and definitely not alone!
Kendi,
I too am an entrepreneur. I own a salon, and want everything to be just perfect. So perfect that I forget to breathe sometimes. In the blog world it is so easy to think that everyones lives are so perfect and happy all the time. Thank you for having the courage to share your struggles. You are not alone my dear. I hope that a weight is lifted off your shoulders and you can find peace. You deserve it.
Much love,
Kari
Thank you so much for sharing this. Depression is a very real and dangerous illness, and unfortunately admitting to and talking about it often brings up feelings of shame. I’m going through a similar rough patch, and admitting my own depression to myself and loved ones has been extremely difficult. Thank you for being real.
I know that was hard to share. I had my first panic attack in 2009, and I’m still sometimes surprised by the things that trigger my anxiety disorder. For a long time I hid my problems until I absolutely can’t (i.e. I had a breakdown in front of someone), but as I’ve learned more about my disorder, I’ve found that the pressure of keeping it secret only makes it worse. There’s a freedom in knowing that you’re allowed to be imperfect. I’ve been reading the blog for a while, and I will definitely continue to do so. I admire you for sharing your story, and I hope doing so helped in some way.
Blogs (and for sure, ventures) can be such funny beasts – they seem to come with such an inherent expectation of perfection, which is quite unrealistic but at the same time also almost self-perpetuating. I wish you well for your healing time moving forwards, and balance in the times ahead. Much love.
Wish for your healing, for you to see – one step a time – all the little things to make your heart burst with love, to hear your honest laugh again for the very first time.
These difficult stages of healing you are going through now help you to find what is really important to YOU, for your heart.
The joy of finding yourself again will feel almost as flying, hundred times more intense than finding it without any hurdles.
Hope to see you sparkle again soon, you can do it girl 🙂
I have been reading your blog for maybe two years now and I always wondered how you do it, now I know that it is not as easy as it looks. You have always given me courage, motivation, and a smile on my face when I needed it (the outfits were just an extra for me to show me that there are other clothes than those that come in grey, black and navy…) When I had my panic attacks and bad days I often thought of you and how hard you work to achieve all these things you have. I admired you and I am not gonna lie a was i bit (a lot) jealous of how pretty, funny, talented, successful, happy (etc etc) you are. Now I feel even closer to you and by writing this you have helped me very much, I know that even people like you feel the same things as I do.
Kendi, please make sure you keep going to the doctors and get a bit more rest, all of you readers (including myself) can survive one or two posts a week but we would feel terrible to know that we are the cause of your anxiety.
I saw on instagram you will be moving again, congrats! make sure you take care of yourself and your family and have fun during this exciting time in your life.
Thanks again for sharing with us! We love you
It’s good to hear you’ve taken action to getting help with your depression. I’m sure you will heal and soon look back on this as a conquered obstacle in your life.
Thank you so much for sharing – I’ve struggled with depression most of my life as well. It’s a really hard thing to deal with (trust me I’ve been down the road many a time) and even harder to share with people, so high five girlfriend! Just the fact that you wrote this post means you’re on your way to feeling better. And also, you already have over 750 comments which means you need to share more of your life with us more often!!!
Love & luck to you,
Amy
Thanks for sharing this. I just want to thank you for that.
I’m happy you wrote last half year I felt something wrong about Kendie everyday but told myself : shut up and look at clothes. So I guess we are all part of this game
I know how hard this was to write, and especially to publish. I’m a blogger too and have struggled in the past with how much to share in regards to my own struggle with PTSD and anxiety. I actually work for a mental health provider, so I’m well aware that May is Mental Health Awareness month. A few bloggers I follow have come forward with their personal stories this month and I’m grateful for it. We, women especially, do a disservice to each other by pretending that everything is great all of the time. Thank you for writing this and for helping break the stigma attached to mental illness.
Thank you for the brave act of sharing. I have struggled with depression for 25 years; it sucks. And it’s okay that it sucks.
But what you did here is not just good for you and for those of us who understand what it means to not feel like it’s as easy as “choosing” to be happy. (If only!)
What you did here is offer someone who hasn’t been there the chance to understand. The more each of us can share, the less depression will be dismissed or ignored.
Peace and comfort to you, dear Kendi!
you have inspired me so much since I started reading your blog over a year ago and todays post has added to that list. Thank you Kendi for sharing your closet and your struggle.
Thank you for sharing; that was very brave of you. I hope you get to a “Happy” place soon. Take care of yourself and we’ll be waiting for your return, if you choose to.
Kendi, thanks for writing this. You’re funny, you’re smart, you’re a million positive things and it’s nice to hear that you struggle with the same negatives I do, too. (Now if only I could be as funny and smart and prettily dressed as well!) I hope you feel better soon. xo
I read your blog everyday, but I normally don’t comment. Just wanted to say thank you for sharing your life with me, the good and the bad. I love when you post a little about your life because that is what makes it interesting, your style is amazing too, but your personality is what sets your blog apart from all of the other fashion blogs out there. So I say speak your mind, its great!
Hi Kendi – I’ve been following your blog for about a year and a half, really proud of you for this post! Thank you for being honest and open with your depression. I’ve recently gotten involved with an awesome organization for mental health called PeaceLove Studios, take a look and if you’d ever be interested in getting connected just shoot me an email at alli@peacelovestudios.com 🙂
Thank you for opening up and sharing your struggle Kendi. I’ve read through quite a few of the comments people have already left and noticed one commonality I thought I’d point out. While everyone enjoys your outfits and sense of humor we all just like YOU. I think you are one of those rare people that just about everyone can picture as their best friend. Know that you have a gazillion people thinking and rooting for you because we all think you’re just awesome! Do whatever you need to do to find happiness and don’t feel bad for a second about it.
PS I think you’re so awesome I convinced my husband and sister to drive over an hour each way while I was {kind of} in your neck of the woods over Christmas so I could shop at Bloom just because I wanted to support you and your store. And you know what? I’ll do it again next time 🙂
You are a beautiful person.
I don’t care what that feeling inside you may tell you — You make the sun shine a bit brighter for all those you touch. Know that. Be kind to yourself. Take your time off when you need it, and do not feel guilty about it. God bless you.
You are so brave Kendi and this post is an inspiration for me and surely for many other people. I congratulate you for being so brave as to write about your life and the struggles you are going through. I can only imagine how hard it must be to put yourself out there like that. You are such a wonderful person, hang in there.
I love your outfits Kendi, but I come back for more every day because I love the personality of your blog. Yes, usually you are funny and sarcastic, but I would still come back for more even if you told us “you know what. Today sucks for me, but I managed to get dressed and look cute.” I know that when you’re in the middle of depression there is not one thing anyone can say to pull you out of it, but know that we are here. We care. We adore you. You are great!! Thank you for keeping it real, even though I know it was hard.
Good to know I’m not the only one 😉 I had my first panic attack planning my wedding, and my second on my honeymoon. Who’d of thunk? I saw a doctor shortly after, and have never looked back. I know my triggers, and have tricks to calm down now. Keep smiling and enjoy the weekend!!!
Of course you do not have to be sunny happy cute clothes Kendi all the time! That would not only be fake but unrealistic of us to expect of you. We love you for who you are and I hope you can find some comfort in knowing that you are loved by so many. All my best, Jen
People want to hear from you. I want to hear from you. Thank you for sharing your experiences, both good and bad. That’s what blogging and — more importantly — life is all about.
Dear Kendi,
As someone else who has struggled with depression and anxiety (especially in my 20s), I really feel you. It is such a hard thing to talk about, and yet impossible to get through without others supporting you. Obviously you have a lot of that. 🙂 I went through it in silence for a long time – not even admitting to myself, let alone anyone around me – what was going on. I truly admire your courage in sharing this with us. I know that once I did start talking to people, nothing helped more than hearing other people say yes, I’ve been there too, I understand, and you’re not alone. Even now when I struggle with it, I honestly find reading the “Anxiety” column on the NY Times to be a relief and a comfort – so weird that to read about others’ anxiety wouldn’t increase my own, but it actually just reminds me that I’m far more normal than I might feel, and that we each have our version of “crazy” that isn’t bad, it’s just us. You are obviously loved dearly by those who know you (I met your mom in your shop a couple years ago, and that was obvious :)), and you are cared about by so many who don’t *actually* know you, but we’ve had a glimpse into part of your life. Thank you for trusting us with this part of it too. Going forward, I hope you’ll know that we’re all here for you, even if it’s virtual. 🙂 I wish you all the best.
Summer
As a new follower of your blog, I’m hooked because you are so real compared to the other “fashion” blogs that I’ve followed for years, which have become nothing more than rich/wealthy girls wearing designer labels. I like that you wear everyday brands and don’t seem like the girl that’s been handed everything in life. I’d love to see more personal posts like this, no matter what it is – travel, outfits, etc. Like many said, you are brave for sharing!
My dear Kendi, I have been following your blog for last 3 years and really enjoying it. However, this is the first time that I leave your a comment. I am the same age as you and have gone through many hardships in my life so far. The recent one was two years ago, I lost one of my eye sights. I just want to say to you, God will never place a burden on you so heavy that you cannot carry it!
April from Toronto, Canada
sorry Barbara, I didn’t mean to reply to you, first time send a comment….
Thank you for sharing. I’ve been reading your blog for two years now and I am such a fan. You inspire me in so many ways. I can’t wait to hear more, Kendi.
It takes a brave person to write a post like this Kendi.
I, too, struggle with depression and anxiety. I thought I was “sick” as well. I told my husband I was “sick” because that’s how I felt. It’s an awful feeling to not be able to feel what you’re supposed to be feeling in the world.
I would literally sleep for DAYS on end and not want to leave the house, not even to walk the dog. I’m finally doing better, my doctor has changed my meds so many times I can’t even count! I’m finally FEELING again and it’s amazing.
I definitely know what you’re going through and I love knowing that I’m not the only one who suffers from this awful disease.
Keep your head up!! <3 xoxoxoxo
I’ll be honest- I started writing a comment yesterday and I had to delete it and walk away because even after a decade of dealing with depression, anxiety, and an aggressive eating disorder after being assaulted by a family member and reaching a place in life where I’m (usually) comfortable with the life I have and where I am, it’s hard to go there again. And you know how uncomfortable talking about this makes others. You open up- and they can’t deal, and walk away, so you hide it and pretend that you’re ok. Because interestingly, society has a propensity to blame the victims of crimes, of diseases, of circumstances.
And I can’t relate to what you’ve been dealing with, because everyone’s story is different. But I can empathize and thank you for sharing, because reading your story and recognizing the strength it took to put it out there and share it with the world helped me to feel a little less alone, as selfish as that may sound. Never apologize though, for who you are or the decisions you made- that’s how we grow and learn and touch other people’s lives
#1) I think you are amazing. Always have. My Pinterest fashion boards are basically a shrine to you. Not in a creeper way… just “I love her style & want to own everything she wears” kind of way. 🙂
#2) I now think you are amazing-er for being brave enough to share what you are going through. You are SO not alone. We are all human… we all have things we go through / have to deal with. Thank you for being real. Keep being yourself. You’re pretty awesome at it.
Hannah @ Lovely Little Life
http://lovelylittlelife-hannah.blogspot.com/
Kendi,
I went through depression and panic attacks myself last year. I didn’t know what it was and once I did know, I felt completely alienated and alone by it, even though I was surrounded by amazing friends and family. Medication has definitely helped but also just going through something like that made me stronger in my faith in God. I pray that for you or anyone else going though this too.
I love your blog, fashion and realism posts – doesn’t matter to me. I’ve blogged about depression, too. It’s painful doing it, but very therapeutic and freeing once it’s published. Bravo for you!
Hang in there…I have suffered from depression since my first bout at 22 and am now 45. It comes and goes, but is always there, lurking. My first appointment with a therapist is coming up (yep, always used my PCP for pharmacological help, or as my husband calls it, my “be nice to hubby” help) and I am both nervous and excited. Thank you for sharing and letting everyone know depression can hit anyone and look many different ways.
Thank you so much for sharing this with the world. It’s a brave thing to come out and talk about these things. I hope the honesty helps you 🙂
My husband and I moved to NYC in Feb and I just experienced my first panic attack last night. This post describes so much of what I am currently feeling and I think you are so brave to share.
I already admired you, but this just makes you all the more beautiful to me.
xoxo
Wow – what an inspiration. Your words are beautiful and speak the truth for so many people. Thank you for sharing your story – It is so refreshing to read real life and feelings on a fashion blog – one of my favorites I should say..
All the best to you – you are doing an amazing job.
xoxo
This is a truly beautiful post and I am thankful that you wrote it. So many people read blogs thinking, wow, she has the perfect life. But we are all human. And considering I struggle with anxiety and depression, and take medication to help, it is always so nice to remember I’m not alone, and, even more, that dreams can still come true in the face of the fears. You have almost been one of my favorite bloggers and will continue to be.
Kendi, you are truly an inspiration. Thank you for being so open and sharing so much of yourself with us. I have been dealing with depression for years and everything that you wrote resonates so much with me. You are so brave to face it head on. I know how hard it is to talk about it and to let people in so thank you for trusting us (your fans). I hope things start to look brighter for you soon. Take care of yourself! xo
You beautiful girl, your bravery to talk about it is wonderful because so many of us hide behind our smiles while suffering in private. xxx
Kendi, thank you for sharing with us. You are so strong and brave.
this is the best comment i’ve read in any blog. You’re so strong andeven though I don’t knoe you im so proud that you were able to conquer your fear of writing this post. don’t EVER let fear get in your way. To be able to admit this, and especially on the internet, makes you more than a respectful person, but a person to look up to. you’ll get better!!!!!!! i know you will 🙂
-Melissa
I just clicked on your blog for the first time today and man it was like it was meant to be. I struggle with the same things you do and I understand how rough it is. But you have so much courage to speak out for what you are going through. That makes you a really strong woman. I could relate to the dark rooms, and crying to my mom. But whereas it looks you are doing well in life, I am stuck and struggling. I know I will get out of it it’s just difficult. Thank you for sharing about your life.
Kendi,
You are truly a brave, strong woman. You are such an inspiration. It was truly the best blog post I have ever read, and I really admire how you courageous you were to write it on your blog. Thank you for sharing about this, and I hope you feel better! 🙂
-Nicole
you are brave….and BTW it’s not about the clothes…well, not solely 😉 Chin up!!
You are a very strong, smart, and beautiful person. Normally I do not comment on blogs, but I just want you to know that you are an amazing person.
Kendi
I’ve been following your blog for about 2 years now. This is my 1st comment. Ironically, we have totally different styles.. I’m more of a retro/hipster/emo/japanese-eurofashion kind of gal. But I always come back for more, because your posts are so witty and your photos/personality so endearing. You’re a bright spot and a brilliant girl. Love your blog and thank you for being real. I too have struggled with depression–it’s just the old, trusty companion that I have to boot out consciously. Jesus is my strength and keeps me going. I hope you know Him too–He loves you.
Genevieve
I cried reading this. I am a doctor of biology, not even 30 and about to take over a tenure track job. I had a severe depression last year, after the sudden loss of my parent. I never thought it would happen to me, because I was always the brilliant, shiny, steady as rock, go-getter you know? I am coming out of it, yes I do (and yes, listening to Kelly Clarkson does wonders! who’d know?!) I feel much lighter, as if something left me, more and more I turn to who I am, I feel lighter. It is hard to like who you are, but let alone have the “ovaries” to ask yourself who you are. And Kendi, you do have lots of ovaries! Hang on to them. Thanks for opening yourself up, and letting yourself be.
Haha I do have a lot of ovaries, don’t I? That made me giggle. Thank you, friend.
Also, I like Kelly Clarkson, too. Ain’t no shame in it.
Dear Kendi,
I’ve been a fan for about a year – I instantly admired your style, but have come to adore how funny and genuine you are..now I admire you even more for sharing this very real and vulnerable side. My heart is heavy for you – hoping for significantly better days ahead. x
I have followed your blog for a couple years now and I just want to say thank you for posting this!
Love your blog. Take care!
Dear Kendi,
I’m not accustomed to commenting on blogs, but after reading this one I was so moved that felt like I had to. You are such an inspiration, thank you for writing this and being so brave. It’s incredibly touching to read such real comments, I love your funny posts and jokes, but it’s amazing to hear about you and your life. I’m sorry you are feeling this way, but you are so strong. I wish you all the best in getting better and getting out of the dark place soon. Remember, one day at a time…You can do it 🙂
Inspired by you. It takes great courage to admit our demons, especially depression because we’re told to cover it up and put on a smile. Not only did you admit it and own it; you shared it with thousands and may have helped others who feel the same exact way and completely alone. It’s refreshing and comforting to hear other women like yourself; who seem to have it all together, admit that they are only human. As someone who has dealt with depression in the past, I know how dark it can be. Just know you are so loved and an amazing woman.
Prayers, thoughts and cheering coming at ya from college station.
Kendi – I’ve only been following your blog for about 4 months now, but I will say that it makes my day when there is an update on bloglovin’. Your outfits are always amazing (I consistently pin to my fashion board on pinterest) and your write up is so funny. Your sense of humour is perfection. I know what you mean about making light when things are dark, I do that with my life because sometimes it’s just easier to make a joke.
Your heartfelt blog about your depression is greatly appreciated. You are a strong, fantastic woman.
Please keep going, push through….you really do make my day when you post.
Thank you for sharing.
Love your outfits, but it’s always been your sweet spirit, your personality that seems so approachable and unpretentious that has made me a fan. I appreciate how brave you were to share on this topic. I pray you find a place of rest for your mind. I suffered a period of deep depression when I faced breast cancer in my thirties. I was terrified 24 hours a day for months, afraid to ask for help because I thought it meant I didn’t have enough faith not to be scared. I am thankful someone finally insisted I get help before continuing with my treatment. Going on an antidepressant was such a huge help. I wished I done it sooner. It’s been years since I was sick, since I was depressed, since I took antidepressants. There is help, and I’m glad to know you have sought some. Life gets much better! xx
Kendi, this post was so incredibly inspiring. You are so courageous and strong to share your darkest moments. I completely understand what you are going through. I too have suffered panic attacks and get depressed over things in my life. Everyone tells me that I should be happy to have health a loving boyfriend and family but its hard. Happiness is a choice it truly is. I moved across the country from a large city with family and friends around the corner to middle of nowhere me it’s so difficult to have no friends, a job you’re extremely over qualified for and unhappy with to be with the person you love. It will all be worth it in the end though since this is only temporary! Thanks once again for your honesty! Glad you’re feeling a bit better!
I know that this comment is rather late, but I hope it finds you well.
For the longest time I suffered from panic attacks and kept a prevailing smile through them. I would randomly break down and go on destructive rants of ruining friendships, binge eating, and sleeping for days at a time.
I was a pre-vet major with a roommate that I didn’t get along with, my parents were going through a divorce, and my long distance boyfriend felt like he had drifted much further than just a thousand miles.
I ended up transferring schools with a completely different major, got my high school job back, broke up with my boyfriend, and went through a very, very dark time.
And then suddenly I just stopped worrying. I told myself that everything was going to be ok, but I needed to start doing less, not more.
I ended up meeting a guy shortly after that who I know now to be someone I am head over heels in love with. One night he reached out and asked me what was wrong. That it was OK to not be perfect at everything and not be able to handle all that was going on. He assured me that my little 3.0 (I’m a 4.0 student) wasn’t the end of the world because I had been working overtime and been upset over family drama. Within five minutes he made those panic attacks go away, and didn’t judge me one ounce for them.
It makes me think of that song Crazy Girl by Eli Young Band.
After all of this I ended up with good grades, a new job that I love so much, and a future to look forward to. Not that I didn’t always look forward to the future, but now I wake up excited and eager for each day.
And now to hear that someone as amazing as you has gone through the same thing…it weeds out those last dingle worries that were hanging on by a thread.
Thank you so much for sharing.
Not too late at all. Thank you for sharing your story.
Kendi, thanks for being so honest. It makes you even more fashionable! 😉
it’s ok to put yourself and your marriage first! Take care!
Oh dear Kendi!! You are a beautiful person, inside and out. I don’t mean to write this comment as some kind of pity-thing. I just really can connect with you right now. I’m VERY glad you did end up writing this down, and hitting the “publish” button to make this post go live. You had to. Especially for someone like you. When we write for our blogs, we often learn to push down the lonely, sad, depressed bits deep into our souls and begin to crush them to dust. Why? Because now that people read our writings regularly, love us, hate us, whatever have come to appreciate a certain something… I think, sometimes, we just think horribly of ourselves, that nobody would understand or care and why would you want to channel sadness on your happy space. Um… we don’t know each other but like I mentioned in my comments before, I really do like you, and your writing is amazing. It always brings life to who you might be, or are. You’re funny, warm and down-to-earth. What’s more, everything here is honest. Maybe this is virtual and blah blah blah, but for whatever it is, you’re doing it. Doing it right! And you’re pretty amazing (enough with the adjectives right? Sorry)… I love you, and your blog! Stay happy. 😀 { http://www.jupiterskye.com }
Wow Kendi. I knew that had to be hard to write and publish. Thank you for sharing. You were just a fashion inspiration to me, but now you are so much more. I love your honesty and how truly genuine you are. Thank you for being an inspiration in so many ways.
Kendi,
I hope that writing this has been cathartic for you. Life is a series of ups and downs and for some the highs are much higher and the lows, much lower. And sometimes all you can do is take one day at a time. Thank you for having the courage to share this aspect of your life with all of us. It was a brave thing to do. I smile when I read your blog and THAT is why I always come back 🙂
xoxoxo
Debbie
Kendi, thank you so much for being so honest and allowing us to see your vulnerable yet courageous side. I too have been hit by depression, when I was a teen. I’m now 27 and the past few months I’ve been terrified that it’s coming back. I have to fight that voice almost everyday but now that things are better in my life, it’s not as often yet it’s still there. I can never figure out why I can’t be completely happy and satisfied with my accomplishments.
You said something that has given me an aha moment: “I’ve confused ambition with dissatisfaction” and for me I really believe it’s the other way around. I’ve been dissatisifed with things others think I’m happy about but I think that’s my way of telling me I can do more, push more and finally (hopefully) achieve what I want. The only problem is if I’ll ever get there. There are great things happening to me in my life right now yet I’ve been so worried about the future to fully experience them and appreciate them for what they are. And it’s terrifying to say such thoughts aloud, and I applaud (and send you a bog hug) for doing so.
Thank you, Kendi. This is one of those posts that I’ll go back to read again because so much of what you shared is how I feel (and obviously it is for so many others, too!). I appreciate your honesty. That’s why I read your blog. Yes, the clothes are pretty, but it’s also to hear what you have to say. I hope you continue to feel better. Take care of yourself.
*bog = big Sorry for the typo. Having said all of that, life really is a day at a time and there’s only one direction when you hit bottom…up! I wish you strength in your struggle and I second that “life is good”. Yes, it is 🙂
I have read your blog for a few years, but do not comment. However, this is different.
I just want to say thank you for being you, for being honest, for being human.
I too am someone who has read your blog for years and never commented. But I want you to know that I read more for you and your voice than the fashion in many ways. You are fun and funny and real. I’m glad you are bringing this topic to light. You are inspiring other women out there to get help. And to realize th at having it “all” doesn’t mean having it ALL AND PERFECT. Good luck on your journey.
beautiful post. thank you for sharing.
Kendi, I check you blog almost everyday. Yes, the clothes are cool, but truth be told, I LOVE your writing. I even read them to my husband and say “Listen to this, isn’t this funny? Isn’t she a great writer?” You have a gift. Your post is one that will stick with me. It was meaningful, insightful, and it spoke volumes about your character. I always say I don’t pick fake friends. I like people who have messy houses, disobedient children, and get depressed sometimes. I like people who are real. You, my friend. Are real. We could be friends. 🙂
Keep ’em coming!
Great post. You really are an amazing writer. I have followed your journey for a couple years (but have never commented before) and it’s you & your journey that keep me coming back. Congrats on making it over another hurdle.
thank you so much for sharing this. i am a blogger also, and this post inspires me to open up to my readers a little bit more. so thank you for having cute clothes, thank you for making me laugh, and thank you mostly for be honest– because that in itself is what inspires me most. (;
You have given me the gift of feeling beautiful…I cannot express how grateful I am for that. I hope you can start to feel free now that you’ve expressed your struggle. How brave you are miss Kendi! Thank you for all that you write, and please don’t stop. There are far too few genuine expressions shared with the world today. I believe what you write and I believe in you!
You have given me the gift of feeling beautiful…I cannot express how grateful I am for that. I hope you can start to feel free now that you’ve expressed your struggle. How brave you are miss Kendi! Thank you for all that you write, and please don’t stop. There are far too few genuine expressions shared with the world today. I believe what you write and I believe in you!!
Thank you for sharing your story with us, Kendi! I imagine it must have been very difficult. I’m sure I can speak for many when I say we’re all behind you and with you. I think cathartic posts like this are helpful to both the writer and readers; we know we’re not alone. We all go through shit, no matter how things look from the outside. I’ve had panic attacks, too- I can empathize. Please take care of yourself, and keep sharing. <3
Thank you for sharing this post and your experience. I too have been struggling with anxiety, panic attacks, and situational depression. It’s especially difficult because I am a cheery, colorful, productive person, and, like you, it’s hard for the world to believe someone so bright and busy could feel so down. I cannot tell you how much I appreciate you sharing this post, and how much I identified with it. I’ve struggled to admit to myself and to others how difficult at times the last few years have been for me, in part because there is such a stigma associated with anxiety or depression in our society. Thank you for opening up to your vast readership and helping to remove some of that stigma – I hope that it will show others, as it has shown me, that they are not alone, and that they should not be ashamed of their strengths or weaknesses in life.
First of all, thanks. Thanks for showing more of you. We know we only see a small glimpse of who you are, but every bit you share helps us get to know you more. We think you’re awesome. That’s why your blog has so many followers.
Also, I find it so interesting that you post this the night I had a panic attack myself. I don’t have them as often, but they’re definitely real and definitely there. It’s definitely a problem I’d like to find a solution for. That being said, it still makes me feel weak. It helps to know someone I admire struggles with them, too. It makes me feel like I’m not alone. Thanks.
As someone who has lived with an anxiety disorder for years, thank you so, so much for writing this. It is so refreshing to see the humanity behind the glossy (and impeccably styled!) photos. Glad to hear you are seeing a doctor now. Keep doing what you’re doing. 🙂
That was probably the most beautiful post you have written in your colossal library of posts. Realize one thing, there isn’t anything good or bad. The “panic attacks” are nothing but your core trying to shake you to realize your truth. Your truth being that you are loved beyond measure by the universe and each act of kindness, each feeling of distraught, each tiny moment of hopelessness and every step you think you have misjudged is a domino effect of the universe letting you know YOU. You’re a brilliant human being, a singular element of the bigger consciousness, and you need not plan any single moment of it. Just be a witness to this life you have been given to experience, listen, really listen in your own silences, and what you hear resonates as your truth. Rejoice in it, let it fill you with utmost sincerity and true honesty, and you’ll then see it’s not you, but the flow that is pushing you, making you malleable to the plethora of emotions that you need to experience. You are at the helms of your realization, you are creating your own realities with your thought, and it’s you who will choose what you intend on experiencing during this absolutely tiny yet magnanimous journey. Finish what your purpose is, and only then will you lead yourself to what your soul yearns for. I know it’s hard, I know you feel like you’ve been plucked from somewhere you belonged, somewhere you fit perfectly, but trust me, what awaits you is far more glorious than any scriptures can present. Live, love and laugh, as cliched it sounds, that’s your only purpose here.
Love and light fellow traveller, till we submit ourselves to the resonance, to what flows through every entity, every particle and every beam of light, to pure absolute love.
Thank you for this. I’ve read it at least three times, over and over. Thank you, it’s perfect.
🙂 I’m just a vessel, these words were meant for you, and I don’t know where they came from but I’m glad they reached where they were intended to.
Thanks for sharing. I started reading your blog about 3 years ago, and remember thinking your silence on the opening of Bloom seemed odd. And, over time, I’ve found myself less eager to read your posts, although they have always been light and fun. Reading this post puts all the pieces together. I wish you a speedy, thorough recovery.
I saved this post, knowing it was going to be worth spending time over and not just reading it on the fly on my phone. I’m one of those readers who comes here to read what you have to say more than to ever look at the photos (which are beautiful, btw, and such a cool thing that you and your husband do together). I love your voice and am so glad you’ve chosen to clean your slate… I can’t wait to read more of your words. And I’m so glad you are seeing the lighter side of things. Depression is indiscriminate and quite frankly, such a b!cth but it doesn’t get the last word.
I’m usually a lurker, but I need to comment now. From a fellow depression/anxiety struggler… thank you for being brave! Thank you for sharing and giving a voice and picture to depression/anxiety.
Fashion blogs have come and go on my feed reader, but yours has stayed. I’ve never once considered thinking what you put here is all you and yet you still shine through your blog as very, honestly, real. You are right… one of the reasons that I always read your blog is not just for the awesome outfits, but because of your story. You.
God bless you and heal you, as only He can.
Hi Kendi!
I just want you to know that every morning when a have my coffee and get prepare for the new day I open your blog and even if it’s just something virtual and that takes few minutes… you are “part” of my daily life.
You seem to me a very brilliant and beautiful person… a super strong girl. I wish you all the best 🙂
A very big hug from an Italian reader 🙂
Wow! What a post girl! Good for you for sharing. That is so brave to be so vulnerable with the world wide web. You are so brave! I hope that you will continue to heal, and take a day off once in awhile :), and I will pray for you, for your husband too because good support will get you through this. You are a beautiful, creative, person and with your will and drive you will overcome this but let yourself heal too. Give yourself grace and remember to BREATHE. Just breathe. You know, like the song! 🙂
Love the quote
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Kendi, my dear Kendi… I send you a big hug full of love and hope. I know soon this will be better and you’ll be able to keep going. I undestand the feeling, totally. I’m trying to find my center again and it’s very hard… not being sure what you want to do with your career, it’s hard at 28, it’s a bit scary. But I’m trying to see the answer. I admire you, you’re a great woman and read this makes me admire you more. Kisses from Chile and much love, you deserve the best 🙂
You are a brave woman and I admire you deeply. Thank you for sharing, best wishes to you xo
Kendi,
Thank you so much for sharing! Your blog is something I look forward to reading everyday, your sense of humor and posts are always hilarious and witty, and of course your beauty shines not only in your pictures, but through what you write as well, including this last post.
Thank you for being a bright few minutes in my daily routine, and for being so very brave to share your story and put it online, for many people to read, understand, and relate with.
Thank you for being an inspiration to us all!
Take care,
Emily
Ditto everyone else. If you don’t already read these blogs, I highly recommend thebloggess.com and hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com. Both are hilarious, and both are written by women who talk openly about the battle with depression and perfectionism.
Try the free videos at http://www.yogijim.com, yoga helps with depression. Good luck 🙂
Hey Kendi…
My name is Prerana and im from india….one of my friends in New york met you once and i believe you had a chat with him about how ur a banker but have a fashion blog…he old me bou tur blog not long back…maybe 15-20 days ago and since then ive been almost visiting your blog everyday…. whatever there is to see on your blog is just lovely…and i wanted to tel you that it is an inspirational blog atleast for me….please continue with your beautiful work….
Kendi,
I just discovered your blog by searching for fashion blogs (or something like that. Who really knows because the online world can take you a million places these days). I wanted to write a comment because I have been dealing with anxiety and depression for 2 years now. Ever since I’ve been married (terrible, isn’t it? It really has nothing to do with my husband either). It started as physically throwing up when I got stressed out. After 6 months of that, my husband made me go see a doctor, and I’ve been seeing a therapist ever since. Last August (of 2012), I had a really bad anxiety attack and stayed in bed for 3 days. I didn’t think I was ever going to continue on. I didn’t eat and didn’t see daylight. It was bad. But somehow, I made it through, with the help of my amazing husband. Let me just note that I am 25. I used to think I am way too young to deal with this, but not anymore. I started going through another anxiety/depressive state this last April, but so far, I’m doing good and moving on. I kept telling my therapist I was afraid to go back to last August (which I’m now looking at as a “black out period”) but she keeps reminding me I have learned and will never be the same as I was last August.
Anyway, I announced on my blog at the end of April that I was taking a month off. I am a paper crafter and have always struggled to share strictly paper crafts on my blog. My blog is entitled “Things About Stuff” because I want it to share all of my life. All kinds of things felt like they were falling down. Admitting online about my stress was probably one of the best things I have ever done. I’ve met some good friends that I didn’t even know where going through the same thing as me. At all different ages! It’s amazing.
So, the point of this long comment, is to say thank you for making your fears and struggles public. No one is perfect and anxiety affects millions of people. But the online world can also be a beautiful thing and its amazing to see the amount of support you get when you admit something about yourself that you’ve kept hidden away for years. Thank you again and I hope that you continue to find ways to deal, as I have been.
xoxo,
Kelly Jean
Please know that you are not alone in your struggle. I, too, as well as a LOT of other people I’m sure, suffer from bouts of depression and anxiety. I’ve been going through the motions for nearly 10 years now actually. Struggling with different stages of depression, and more recently, serious life-altering anxiety, I know exactly where you’re coming from and how hard it is, especially to share like this! I can relate on such a personal level and am so inspired by you, and the light that shines from you, even now, in the deep “shadows” of your life that you’re sharing here. Just know that I believe in you and in any way you need, am here for you. Even if it’s just reading your blog every day. You are truly beautiful inside and out and SO, so brave.
xo Ashley
thetiniestfirecracker.com
I spent years fighting it. My mom would play a big part in my story too. I never told her anything until I had an overwhelming panic attack about 8 months ago at age 29. She drove three hours to sit with me and then told me she had struggled with it her whole life as had my grandmother. She revealed that she had been on antidepressants most of her life and she was sorry she never told me. I got help and meds and have now gone 7 months without any attacks. I still have hard days but honestly being open with her and my friends and my boyfriend made it a lot better. I always thought they would run but they didn’t. They stayed and loved me regardless which gave me the strength I needed to fight. It scares me to know this is part of me. That it will probably always be a battle but instead of running or hiding from it, or pretending it wasn’t happening, I am just aware of it. I remember the feeling of running every day errands… of thinking I am screaming in the middle of the produce section and no one could hear me… I felt so isolated but I don’t anymore. It sometimes sneaks up on me but it doesn’t control me anymore. I am proud of you for speaking up. I promise it gets better!
Hi, Kendi. I’m sorry to hear you’re struggling. It sounds like you’ve been dealing with this for a long time, and I suspect blogging compounds the issue. Living one’s life in public, so to speak, is something rather new in the long history of the world, and I’m not sure we totally understand what sort of longterm psychological shifts such public performances might be giving rise to in the performer (and the audience member, who naturally comes to expect entertainment from everyday life, from the workaday people who surround them). Because technology permits more and more of my life to be distributed, recorded, and archived for future call-up by strangers, I am much more anxious about that life, and feel the need to take excessive care manufacturing it for public consumption (vs personal satisfaction). And when one’s life becomes a product to be sold to and consumed by others, it’s only natural to begin to feel a certain loss–a certain sense that the audience is taking from you little pieces of yourself that you can never recover. Be well, and be greedy with your life, my friend. xo, Gina (huzzah)
Kendi, you have always been one of my favorite bloggers and after reading this post, you will still continue to be. I personally appreciate you sharing with us, your readers, something so personal because when it comes down to it, you don’t have to but to be able to open up to thousands of strangers on the internet, I find that insanely brave. Keep up the good work the best that you can and know that I, and the rest of the people who read your blog are only hoping you succeed in what you do! You have wonderful people both in real life and here on the internet rooting for you 🙂
Thank you so much for sharing this Kendi. By doing so, you are using your platform well. I’ve recently become aware of my own depression. It creeped up on me. Just like in any other aspect of life, it is nice to know you are not alone. Thank you for your boldness and transparency.
Thank you so much for sharing this. I myself am feeling these same feelings about you, but not over something ambitious as opening a store. I’m feeling these feelings over something horrible I had done, and am now suffering the consequences of it. I feel as if this anxiety and depression is something that has always been there, but this situation is what truly brought it to life. No one knows my situation that brought on the a&d (hey, maybe I’ll always refer to it as that, doesn’t sound as daunting), and that just intensifies the feelings. I love being able to see someone I admire (and totally fangirl) go through the same things and pass with flying colors. It’s good to know that you can have these issues, and deal with them in the way that you would if you had a disorder with your health, it is all the same. If you had an uncontrollable problem with, say, your heart; you wouldn’t wait a second before going to the doctor – it should be no different with mental paradoxes. Thanks for anyone who read this, feels great to know exactly how I feel through reading this post and putting my feelings into words.
Be strong, girl. I’ll try to do the same 🙂
Kendi, you are a phenomenal woman! I know that it must have taken all of you to write and, most importantly, share this post with the world. But, thank you for sharing! You’ve become the one of my favorite bloggers to follow and one of the only blogs that I wanted to start browsing from the very beginning! (Haha, I started but there were too many posts. Love them all still!) I’ll pray for your journey to healing! My love and support always.
Hi Kendi,
I don’t follow any fashion blogs at all but when I came across your blog just a few weeks ago I felt I could relate to your style (in the sense that if I could ever afford to buy amazing clothes I would surely love to dress like you.) I remember I calling my sister right away and telling her that she needed to check out this blog and that I didn’t think I had seen a better dressed girl before. And I couldn’t have imagined sharing anything in common with someone like you. But I was deeply moved reading this post cos I share the depression, anxiety and panic attacks too. I started when I was about 15 yrs old and have dealt with it ever since. I don’t have any support as I come from a culture where u are either normal or crazy. So this is my secret and no one outside the near family knows this about me. So I am alone in this and have dealt with it the way life has allowed me to. But I truly admire your story that inspite of this you are so accomplished and hard working. I don’t how to make you feel better other than to just let you know that you inspired me to think I could do something with life even knowing that there will darkness every now and then.
Actually crying because I can’t believe someone I admire so much goes through almost the same issues as I do…
I just wanted to thank you for posting this. As much as I love your style and your outfit posts, the thing that keeps me coming back to blogs is getting to see the real side of people. I hope that you start to make your way out of the darkness that is depression/anxiety soon. Sometimes I just stop and feel blessed that although there were many months of feeling as if I would never feel happy again, somehow I do. Not all the time -let’s be honest here- but I have hope. And even though I don’t know you and you don’t know me, I hope that you’ll have that too.
Thank you for having the courage to share your struggles with all of us. As someone who has experienced anxiety and panic attacks, I know how debilitating it can be and how hard it is to talk about it. Just this past week, I have been feeling an overwhelming sense of anxiety. After reading your post, I realized that I wasn’t alone. I know that lots of people have feelings of anxiety, but to actually read what you wrote really put it right in front of me. What I’ve realized is that I need to be kinder to myself. I hope that you can do the same for yourself, too. You are a beautiful, talented, smart lady. Nobody and nothing is perfect. Don’t be so hard on yourself. You have a lot of folks in your corner who have experienced anxiety and depression and made it through their darkest hours to see the light again. You are an inspiration to us all and I appreciate all of your positive and negative qualities because both make you who you are. Wishing you all the happiness in the universe.
http://www.sincerelysammie.com/
I struggle with depression and anxiety and I can completely relate to where you’re coming from – in life and as a blogger. You are inspiring me to share more about myself with this post, so thank you for that. I think it’s great that you’re starting to feel better, too. 🙂
There’s no shame in admitting that you struggle. All of us do. Cheers to you for being courageous enough to share. Keep it coming!
GK Chesterton said “We are all in the same boat in a stormy sea and we owe each other a terrible loyalty”. Thank you for letting me in your boat. You are truly a brave beauty!
Thank you for writing this very brave post, Kendi. I, like so many other commenters, struggle with depression and anxiety as well. I understand where you are coming from and am inspired by your hard work and dedication even through this hard time! Feel better! I will be thinking of you. Thank you again 🙂
Kendi, thanks so much for sharing your thoughts with your blogging community! This might have been the bravest thing you could have done and it will only make you stronger. I wish you luck in finding peace in the present <3
Thank you for this honest post, Kendi. Matthew 11:28–“‘Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.'” Praying you find peace and rest over the next few months, dear!
Since I read the blogs I follow at work, I sometimes don’t make my way over to them until I get my email or bloglovin notice that a new post is up. Then Thursday I saw your tweet saying “thanks for your positive comments” and I slipped over to find out what was up. Reading the first few lines made me slow down because I knew it was going to be important to understand everything you were saying.
I’m so glad you found the resolve to reach out for help, Kendi, and as you learned, many of your followers battle issues of their own, whether it be depression, stress or addiction. Knowing that you aren’t alone, and whatever issue you may be facing, that people (even us nearly complete strangers) care for you can make all the difference. I hope and pray that you find the peace you need and deserve!
You are not alone.
Stay strong.
Dear Kendi, after reading this post over the weekend I felt I had to take a step and breathe myself and let your words sit a while on my heart, because your story resonated to strongly with me. I admire your wit and iconic style – and since I found and started following your blog almost 2 years ago I’ve felt a strong connection to your writing which has always been happy and carefree on the surface, but I truly felt like there has been a puzzle piece missing. Thank you for being so brave to share your struggle.
Like you, I have struggled with un-diagnosed depression for several years. Somehow I always manage to come back out of the dark holes I seem to tumble into, but it was last year that I experienced my first panic attack: Life had extended me a shining hand of hope with a glorious pregnancy (after two miscarriages), and then suddenly dealt me a heavy blow. Suddenly losing that pregnancy after 20 weeks rendered both me and my darling rock of a husband complete and utter messes; and the simple act of putting on my brave face to see close friends and family for the first time in a while was my undoing.
I never knew that depression could hurt so much.
With the gracious support and love of family and friends, the panic attacks have subsided. Time seems to heal most wounds, but I still struggle with my own darkness. Thank you for the reminder that I am not alone. As the saying goes, admitting to your own issues is the first step in recovery. I truly wish you all the best Kendi.
Love and light,
Rochelle
Ah, here I am at a public coffee shop and I am in tears. People must think I’m a weirdo… but honestly, I just really connect with what you written. I, too, have been struggling with anxiety, depression and even panic attacks for the past ten years. Thankfully, it’s not as bad as it use to be — but I noticed, every few years it creeps its way back into my life… yet you never really get use to it.
I, too, am a perfectionist and a workaholic. My mind is always going — so fast and the anxiety and depression only makes that worse. I sometimes feel like a complete mess… and crazy, even. When you spoke of that moment at work, that you struggled even doing the simplest task… something you were so use to doing. I have had that happen to me, so many times, and it’s the most frightening thing.
I am so sorry to hear all of this — but you are definitely not alone. and sometimes, knowing that, can make it seem a little better. And by the comments here, you have a lot of support and I am just so happy that you decided to share this story with us. 🙂 Thank you, so much.
Dear Kendi,
I started reading your blog because I really loved your style, and your concept for the 30 by 30 remix. It was also a great way for me to practice reading in English.
But I think I also kept on reading you because of your stories, your humor, the small pieces of your life that you shared, along with your outfits.
I too have experienced panick attacks, and anxiety, and it amazes me that you, a source of admiration and inspiration, are going through the same things I am. It makes me feel less alone, and for that I thank you. Thank you so much for sharing this with us, and for revealing how many of us are living the same things.
Thank you for being true, and giving me hope again.
Good luck with everything, but I’m confident that you will come out of it stronger than you already are.
And please, keep on writing, you’re amazing.
Thank you so much for sharing this. As a 24 year old with a dream of entrepreneurship and a fighting case of anxiety, I now look up to you in so many more ways. It’s such a relief to know I am not alone during those restless nights of nagging questions about the least important things. You are an inspiration and with this new knowledge about you, I will look forward to reading even more each day. Thank you. <3
The greatest gift you have given to us (your readers) is your honesty. Speaking from personal experience, Depression, Anxiety and other mental illness can feel like a prison that no one else can understand. It can even feel like the world is just built to work against us and all we can ever be is a shameful burden to others because of our illness. But hearing stories like yours–your brutal honesty and sublime hope–reminds me that I am not alone. YOUR STORY SETS PEOPLE FREE to no longer feel ashamed of Depression and Anxiety. Thank you. God bless you.
Thx for sharing! Life is way more important than style,and ultimately what has drawn your readers.
You are amazing. Seriously, amazing. I read your blog b/c I like to hear about YOU, your thoughts, your quips, your ambition and your road to create a business. The clothes are a bonus :). Sharing who you really are helps the rest of us readers, know that like us, you aren’t perfect, and like us, you are human, and you know what? It’s hard – but it’s ok – I I like getting to know the real you, not the shiny happy you. Thank you for sharing :).
This is so brave, Kendi. Thank you for sharing. Wishing you love, light, and happiness for the rest of your days. oxo
You are amazing. Thank you for sharing and for being so brave. I also have anxiety issues and completely understand what you’re going through. This was a beautifully-written post, and a definite eye-opener for me. Thank you so much and best of luck in your recovery. Since I am now the 873rd comment, I hope you know that we’re all pulling for you and think the highest of you and your wonderful blog. 🙂
Thank you for this post. It’s a reminder that everyone, no matter how fabulous and together they seem to be has their own shit they are dealing with, and it’s a good reason to be kinder to everyone and to ourselves. I wish you peace and health.
I´ve been reading your blog for almost 2 years and sometimes wishing from my office to have this always fun life (and the beautiful clothes) that you portray everyday, little we know that everyone of us is going trough so much. My girlfriend suffer depression and sometimes have panic attacks and I can only imagine your strenght to keep showing the world the face everyone expects. Thank you for sharing this and be sure that everyone of us is sending you the light to brighten even the sad days, a lot of love from Mexico.
Thank you for this, I’ve been waiting to hear it for so long.
I have read your blog for a long time. I’m not much of a commenter on any blogs though. I just want to say that last Friday when I read this, it really hit home. Very close. I had never had anything close to a panic attack until literally about an hour and a half before I read this post. I found out my Aunt (younger than my Mom!) was having emergency surgery, and it hit me so hard that I almost couldn’t breathe. Her prognosis was very bad at the time. It scared the shit out of me.
She doesn’t live very close so while my parents made the drive to see her, I stayed in town with wide eyes and confusion. I can’t say they were definitely panic attacks, but I had three episodes within about 6-8 hours. I was so worried and just couldn’t be alone. After the first one, I tried hard to put my mind into something simple and easy to distract myself (did not work, however….). I didn’t know I would stumble across a blog post like this! It honestly helped me realize what had just happened. At first I didn’t know what to think about it. After it happening again, coupled with reading about your struggles, I realized that it must have been either a panic attack or something very similar. It feels almost odd to say this across the internet to someone I don’t know– but Thank You! It didn’t make the earth shake and sky rumble, but this post did reassure me that I wasn’t losing it. You mentioned different scenarios where this happened to you, but it had never happened to me before. It at least gave me a direction to look in. Perfect timing!
I am sure something like this will always be a struggle, but I hope that you will always find your way through anything that gets in your way! Thanks.
kendi, thank you so much for being brave enough to open up in public. i admire you so much!
Thanks for sharing your innermost thoughts and struggles Kendi… I know it’s tough, but know that you’re not alone in these struggles and especially your anxiety. If any woman ever says she doesn’t struggle with stuff like this is either lying or delusional!
Love, one of your cheer leaders!
Katelyn
p.s. You’re awesome! 🙂
I’ve read your blog for a real long time. And your awesome style is only half of the reason I continue to read it. The other half is your words and the way you write and share about your life and your honesty.
Thank you for your honesty…this post took so much courage!! You are amazing.
This is amazing, thank you so much
oh you brave beautiful girl! I love love your blog – I pop by at least 4 times a week and just wanted to say thanks for sharing your story, your honesty , such a beautiful post that has touched me and so many others… may your journey ahead be full of sunshine
Wonderfully written, Kendi! I, like others, stop by each day to see what you’re wearing. But that’s just a glimpse at the “outside” of you, and it’s so refreshing and honest that you’ve shared some of the “inside” you as well. I’m sure other’s have recommended it, but Allie Brosh just wrote a magnificent post about her battle with depression at http://www.hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com and I really think you would enjoy it. You both share a wonderfully insightful sense of humor and you both clearly bring humor and laughter to the lives of others. I’ve cried multiple times from laughing so hard at her posts. Highly recommend it. Thanks for sharing your life with us, whether it’s happy and shiny, or not.
This was such a brave post, Kendi! I may have originally stopped by the blog for the clothes, but I (and I’m sure everyone else) come back because of the person wearing the clothes – you. You are such an amazing woman and your writing style makes me feel like I’m catching up with an old friend. We’re all rooting for you. Wishing you great health and sending you hugs, and if I could cast a patronus (dork reference!) to chase away your shadows, I most definitely would.
“I once had a garden filled with flowers that grew only
on dark thoughts but they need constant attention & one day I
decided I had better things to do. ” Brian Andreas. I hope this is in your future
bravo! you are officially the most bravest person i know. well not “know” but you know LOL!
Thank you for writing this. I really think I needed to read this at this moment in time… =)
We should both keep our heads up and choose happiness above all.
This was amazing. I have so much respect for you for sharing all of those thoughts and emotions with your (very large) audience, and I hope I can be that brave one day. I struggle with the same things, anxiety and depression, and it has been such a journey. There have been so many ups and downs. It’s so comforting to know that there are other people experiencing the same thing you are going through. What’s helped me the most is just trusting that God has a plan for me, and He will protect me no matter what happens. Whenever I’m feeling down or helpless, I just remember, “I can do all things through Christ, who gives me strength.” (Philippians 4:13) I look forward to you continue to bring us along your journey, and just know that we are all here for you and we love you!
xo Katie
Thank you so much for sharing this. I’m an entrepreneur too who started a business with my long-term boyfriend three years ago – and it is so refreshing to hear some of the same things that I’m going through in your post. It helps so much to read your story – You are brave and so generous. Thank you!
(And by the way, I come for your unique voice. The cute clothes are always just a bonus.)
Understanding mental health is important. Especially understanding that it’s not just them being ‘crazy’ and that it is a debilitating chemical imbalance. Working out helps. Enjoying the sunshine helps. Keeping smiling helps, but can’t be your everything. Also, just sharing with one person (your husband) can be hard on him and your relationship. Opening this up to your friends, family, and readers will hopefully help them to find a way to support you. Encourage them to read up on it, finding resources such as Mental Health First Aid (http://www.mentalhealthfirstaid.org and http://www.mhfa.com.au/cms/wp-content/uploads/2011/02/whatworks_depression.pdf and http://www.mhfa.com.au/cms/wp-content/uploads/2012/11/MHFA_depression_guidelines_A4_2012.pdf)
and even the National Suicide Hotline 1-800-273-8255 (WHICH IS NOT JUST FOR SUICIDE! – they can help direct you to local support systems, psychologists, and also give advice, especially if you are having a crisis or panic attack)
Remember to breathe, think about good things and all you have accomplished, working out and eating healthy are helpful, and remember what worked to pull YOU out of deppresive and anxiety filled times of your life. It doesn’t work the same in everyone and you know you can’t just ‘snap out of it’ because someone tells you to. That’s okay/
Blessings to you and your family and thank you for sharing.
Thank you for being brave enough to fight through your depression. And thank you for being brave enough to share it with us! I’m truly glad that you’re taking the necessary steps to keep yourself healthy and happy.
(As an aside, someone a few comments down mentioned your ‘unique voice’, and I second that. I love your writing, and look forward to reading what you have to say in each post. Knowing that you’ve been battling inner demons only makes me admire your writing all that much more.)
Finally getting caught up on reading blogs, and I came across this. Kendi, thank you for finding courage to share this! We women especially need to band together to fight through the dark days. I’ve often wondered about how entrepreneurship affects women who tend toward perfectionism and depression. I do hope you will continue to share the light and the dark as you move forward and start looking for and sharing that balance. I admire your drive, but I admire your creativity and your honesty even more. Thank you for sharing, and I look forward to learning with you and supporting you.
I didn’t get to comment the other day on this but I wanted you to know how thankful I am for you vulnerability. Shedding light on the dark corners of our lives is one of the bravest things we can do and these comments are a testament to the impact it has. I’ve been a mess an awful lot this year (why don’t they tell you that your mid-twenties are so…emotional?!) – but I’ve needed those clean slate moments too. You’re a hero for sharing about depression and anxiety. And you’re still funny – and even more radiant because of your honesty:)
You are one VERY brave woman and I admire you for writing this post. It’s difficult to admit things that are most sacred and make yourself vulnerable to a very large audience. You are amazing woman and may God bless you in your healing!
Anna
happymedley.blogspot.com
I know I am a little late responding to this post, but I just wanted to give you a virtual hug, and tell you that IT WILL BE OK! I have shared little bits of my struggle with depression on my blog, and know the fear that comes with being honest about this aspect of life. Seeing your Dr. is a great step to a healthier life. It was one of the hardest things for me to actually admit that I needed the help, but now 4 months later I wish I had done it sooner. Life gets easier, more enjoyable, and just being able to breathe again is such a relief. I have only had one major panic attack but I know what you mean when you say you thought you were dying. It’s such a scary feeling and I hope that you can feel the love and support from your readers to help you through whatever struggles life brings your way.
I wish you all the best for you and your husband! Take time to enjoy him again. All my love, Leah
Thank you for your honesty, Kendi! My husband and I have worked together as a self-employed team for the last 6 years and as someone who has struggled with depression throughout my life, my heart goes out to you!
The roller coaster ride of starting a business and being self-employed takes SO MUCH strength, and to add mental health issues on top of that indeed makes for a very difficult road. We sometimes regret that we chose such a difficult path because of the hardship it has caused our relationship. It also hurts me to think that 10 years I lost to my depression- how it kept me from pursuing many of my dreams and becoming the fullest version of myself.
However, I can tell you that it does get better… Depression is a hard road and a bumpy one. I don’t know for everyone, but I don’t think I will ever be completely “cured” of depression, it has been a part of my life for as long as I can remember. But I think I am better at managing it now, and hopefully better at weathering it when it flares up. It is about finding the tools that help you to manage it, and the tools and skills that build your resilience.
Depression and hardship have taught me good things: that what matters to me in life is not money, not success, not recognition, but simply happiness and peace. I learned that my ambition was sabotaging my struggle to be happy- letting go of my high ambitions for myself has been hard but it has also helped me to set the right path for my life, and to build my life, my relationships, and my work around health, happiness and balance.
I wish you courage and strength on your path, and I wish you brighter days, Kendi. You will find them, but in the meantime please remember to be gentle and kind to yourself.
“Promise me you’ll always remember: You’re braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.”– Christopher Robin to Winnie the Pooh
I commend you for all the hard work you do and hope that you find a balance to focus on yourself.
Kendi- your post moved me. I just turned 40 (5/1) and my first bout of depression started at 14. Back then it wasn’t something that was talked about, and my mom being southern I guess didn’t know what to say, or do. Fast forward to my 20s. it hit me like a ton of bricks. I was depressed for 3 years I couldn’t work, didn’t eat, no one in my family knew what to do. Still in the 90s it wasn’t much talk on depression. It was untill 1999 when we had our first child did I seek help. At first the meds were ok, but then after a while I didn’t like the way they made me feel. Now with diet and exercise I am much better. I do get the blues but I know it will pass. I said all that to say. You are not alone and you are on the right path by talking about it, seeking help and continue to do what you are doing. Thank you for posting and I love your blog. Hugs from Bronx, NY
Thank you for sharing your story.
Hang in there girl! Depression is an illness that
Can be treated and you took the first and hardest step in asking for help. You are a brave soul who is loved!
Ive been so busy that I haven’t visited your blog in a while but I came back to see how you were. Thought I’d check on the older posts since Im overdue for them and stumbled upon this one =). And after reading it, I felt the need to write a msg. I think it’s great that you have shared your hardships with your readers. Often times we get so caught up with the everyday tasks that we forget to share our hearts and those are the best moments in life. When we can share what is in our hearts (both the good and bad) we allow other people to be moved. Kendi, enjoy life! Take it one day at a time and enjoy it cause we may not see tomorrow. Like you said, happiness is a choice and don’t let your circumstances sway you. Let our minds lead us since our emotions/feelings changes frequently. This takes practice as well. First time you fall, it’s hard to get up but the more you do it, it gets easier. YOU’LL BE JUST FINE! Jesus loves you
Thanks for sharing this amazing post, I can imagine it took a lot of courage to write. I think depression and anxiety are something so many people experience but don’t talk about. I have struggled with anxiety and panic attacks and I totally know what you are talking about. For me I just need to catch them as they start to bubble up and take a meditation time out until I feel grounded and calm. Sometimes 5 minutes is all I need and sometimes I’m just laying on the floor breathing for an hour.
I just want to thank you for being real and sharing your story – I admire your bravery and courage. I too have struggled with anxiety for the past few years, so my heart goes out to you… I know how awful those moments are; like you, I’m starting to find more light again and it feels wonderful. Just wanted to say hang in there, and hugs to you!
I stumbled upon your blog with a recommendation from a friend after I told her that I have these moments of sudden sadness and crying spells out of no where. She said I just read her blog and your story sounds similar. It really brought to light something I was probably mentally and sub consciously pushing to the back of my mind. I don’t believe I have a reason to feel sad but somehow those feelings creep up like a shadow. Every night before I go to bed I make sure my bf locks all the doors. Its like a paranoia you can’t control. I want to thank you for being open about this. I have only told 2 friends but you have give me the courage to seek help. I thought it was something I could fix but its started to take over my life and its pretty obvious I can’t control it. Thank you and I wish you the best. I’m a follower now. 🙂
My sister in laws and I found ourselves sitting around a campfire this weekend talking about, “kendi” as if you were one of our good friends and how we just wanted to give you a hug and make you feel better. Wishing you all the best!
love your bravery and openness. hope you know that sharing this part of yourself will help countless others who struggle too with anxiety & depressing. and I love that you’re using your blog for something like this, as you clearly have a large audience!
wishing you the best!
Thank you for sharing your story and struggles.
We’re actually all more alike than we originally believe.
Oh Kendi, thank you so much for baring your soul to us. Such honesty is so brave! You’re smart, beautiful and simply amazing – thank you for allowing us to share a little part of your life. Know that we’re all thinking of you: you’ll get that sunshine back.
I wish I could email this post to myself. This is very similar to how I’ve been feeling for the past year and I thought I was alone, and silly to be feeling the way I do, because like you said: life is GOOD. I am blessed. I’m just so completely overwhelmed with work, work, work – my career, my freelancing, my blog, creative projects, always projects swimming around in my mind, worries making me lose sleep. I told my husband that I look like I’ve aged 5 years in the past year from all the stress. These feelings have taken me away from what really makes me happy, what really matters. Concentrating too much on business while my life passes me by.
You have so gracefully put into words how I’ve been feeling. Thank you so much for sharing this! You are amazing, don’t ever forget it.
what an inspiration you are! i have anxiety attacks and i always felt so alone in them – like i was the only weird one having them. it’s good to know you’re not alone in things. thanks for sharing.
Beautifully refreshing and honest. You’ve done more than you know.
There are many of us that share all of these feelings that you describe – and while I won’t say it will all magically go away with a magic fairy wand or anything, working on it in little-bitty-steps each day and each year will help you focus on the gratitude and “the light” and make each day, week, month, and eventually, year better.
It really is too easy to put a nice face on anxiety and depression (I know this from personal experience too) intead of working on it. I have been following your blog for almost a year and I appreciate the guts it took to write all of this down – keep at it and you will make it to where you need to be eventually.
I know I am not the only one sending Good Thoughts your way!
Thank you for opening up and sharing such personal things with us. I love you for your honesty and bravery. As a teenager who’s battled depression, anxiety, and self harm for years now, I can relate. I’m falling back in the old rut myself, and it’s not easy. It’s not simple to pull yourself back up again. But what you’re doing–SHARING your experiences, talking about how you feel–is the first step. Thank you for being honest and courageous. <3
i know what you’re going through. you are strong and brave and so right for opening up and sharing. Life is about sharing – both the good AND the bad. Because it’s all life. I know you will find YOUR balance. Just make sure you listen to whats inside you. And self care often and always. and know that you have many supporters. and that you are awesome. 🙂
Hi Kendi!
Thanks so much for sharing – i know how hard it can be. I’ve gone through a VERY similar experience myself, and just sent you an email with some info if you’re interested. Hoping to help you get the help/solution/direction you need and deserve – you don’t have to just ‘deal’ with any of this. Please reach out if you have any questions.
Thank you for this.
Kendi,
I know I’m a little behind here, but I just wanted to say thank you for being open and honest about what you’re going through! I follow the blogs I do because the people behind them are real, and genuine. Real isn’t always perfect, or what we think it will be. I find strength in your courage to put your feeling out there, it is not easy. Thank you.
-Kim
Hi lovely, thanks for sharing. Everyone always tries to put their best foot forward on the public profiles, but we are all human, everyone has their own struggles that we are not proud of. Keep your head up, it sounds like you are one strong woman.
I absolutely love the sunshine side of you and that think you called “a sillier tone” in your post. I mean, I enjoy the clothes (I really really do), but most of all, I come here for your words. And let me tell you this: I read a lot of blogs (A LOT!), but in most cases (especially if the blogs are not written in portuguese) I tend to watch the photos and just read the headline and maybe a sentence or two (in the portuguese blogs, because is more natural for me, I go crazy and ready 3 sentences!).
Having said that, I will also tell you this: from all the foreign blogs I follow, yours is the single one I can’t click the “mark as read” button, no matter how many texts I have on hold to read. And i’m not saying this to be nice (you don’t know me, I live on the other side of the planet, let’s face it: I don’t have to be nice), I’m saying it because it is true (and also because I’m a nice person ah ah! but seriously, it is true).
But this doesn’t mean I don’t want the rain. I want whatever if feel like giving me (us). I would prefer if there was no rain but that is only because that would mean the sun was always shining. But let’s face it: we all have our moments. And if you want or feel like you have to share it, I will be here for you. If you don’t, well, I’m not going anywhere!
I really hope you’re feeling better now (I’m a few days behind which proves I wasn’t lying when I said I couldn’t mark you posts as read!) and thank you for your honesty and courage.
love
RIta
I was diagnosed with clinical depression and anxiety two years ago–and I’ve since realized that I’ve suffered from insomnia and anxiety since I was about 4 years old. Whenever somebody tells their truth about depression, I feel so much better…not because I am glad that they have it (of course not!), but because I know that I am not alone, and at least someone out there doesn’t think me weird for feeling down “for no reason” or “lazy” for my sleeping habits. I feel like I struggle with depression and anxiety almost daily, and it’s really hard for me to sleep every night, so I understand your pain. Unfortunately, depression and all of these things seem to be a life-struggle for many of us, but at least we can learn to focus on the good for moments of enjoyment.
I’m glad you’re brave enough to share this. It is so real to see the sun and the rain in the same person. Thank you! We all have our rainy days.
Wonderful article. I am literally going through the same thing right now. I haven’t posted in 2 weeks because I have been so down. It’s a really weird position to be in. Thank you for writing this. And of course, feel better. You are a great writer, and a stylish, thoughtful woman. Keep on being yourself. Be true. xo
I read this article of Stephen Fry and thought of your post.. http://www.stephenfry.com/2013/06/24/only-the-lonely/
Hi Kendi, Thank you for posting this article. I had several panic attacks before and never know it has a name… I just thought I was going mad =.=…. No one around me has experienced anything like this. Thank you for sharing it with us. Hope “you are not alone” would make it a little better :p
I saw this today and thought of this post. He mentions that we don’t see people talk about sad things on social media so we think its not out there, we think we’re alone. He’s brave and so are you. Take a look: http://www.upworthy.com/this-kid-thinks-we-could-save-so-many-lives-if-only-it-was-okay-to-say-4-words?g=3&c=ufb1
also this is probably the single best piece of literature i have ever read on the subject:
http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2013/05/depression-part-two.html
the kernel.
Kendi,
I commend you for your candidness and bravery in writing this post. As a mom of a 19-yr-old daughter who suffers with depression, you helped me to catch a glimpse into how she thinks and what her world looks like on a daily basis, which is a very difficult to imagine if you yourself have never experienced clinical depression. As a parent, you want to help your children solve the problems that arise in their life. But in this case there was nothing I could do but be there and listen and encourage her to see a doctor/counselor/take medication, which she did not want to do and didn’t for some time. So when she would have an episode, it was like the blind leading the blind. It’s such a helpless feeling, on both ends. But hearing your story gives me hope for her and a better understanding of her illness. There is such a stigma with depression and other mental illnesses, and I think that is what kept her from taking her prescribed medication. She thought that others would think she was crazy. I think more people should speak out about this illness and I applaud you for doing so. Thank you for sharing your experience. I love your blog and your courage!
Cayce
There are a lot of comments and I don’t know if someone already mentioned this, but I’ve dealt with similar things. Anxiety medication made me feel sick in a different way, and I’ve since started taking vitamin d (I started it while i was pregnant bc my dietician friend recommended it) and it’s a total mood booster. I will take it for the rest of my life- about 1,000 iu every day. The days I don’t take it I notice a difference for the worst.
I read this, and I thought “Wow, are we the same person?” We’re the same age, and I too experienced major bouts of depression/anxiety at 16 and 19/20, though my third bout came when I began teaching when I was 24 (similarly overwhelming and stressful, leading me to a career shift).
I just wanted to write and say that I hope you see how similar your story is to so many people. So many would-be best friends of yours out there. Because I benefited from reading this. I felt a little less alone in life, and little more normal as result of our shared experience. We all get to benefit from your writing, and I hope that you gain something from our comments. We’re all a little crazy together. 🙂
I have my list of bookmarked style blogs. I really enjoy quickly thumbing through them, picking up style ideas and inspiration. But tonight, I received an unexpected breath of fresh air. Instead of a photo, I stumbled upon the quote from Ernest Hemingway (great quote), and the next single word that caught my eye was “anxiety” a paragraph down. Immediately, your words struck a chord. I’m 25 and for the past year I have struggled with an overwhelming amount of anxiety. The beginning of it was probably the darkest time in my life and I have since learned a great deal about myself and letting go (and I am still learning). I just wanted to simply say Thank You for sharing your story. It’s never easy, but it’s self healing, it’s relatable, and it’s appreciated.
Kendi, thank you for writing this! I love reading your blog and have tried to catch up on it and I love your fashion choices. I was always interested in your life and in your light. I loved reading everything you wrote. You are an inspiration.
I sometimes deal with bouts of depression and now am 21 and graduating and looking toward my future and trying not to worry so much and this really helps, you are not alone and thank you for helping others not feel alone.
Keep finding more light and thank you!!
Thank you for sharing your story. You are brave and blooming in the best ways and are much more than your blog and its stats. You are kind and good and selfless for being honest, as painful as it might be somtimes. You are helping people, and I hope that makes you happy to be you. All the aloha in the world to you, friend!
You are beautiful, inside and out. Thank you for sharing – I know it must have been hard. You are such a gifted writer, you brought me to tears. You are such an inspiration! Keep doing what you are doing – I love the fact that you are you.
my sister just told me about this post – love you for sharing kendi! you are an inspiration being honest is so brave. i am bipolar and can so very relate to so much of what you wrote. thank you.
Hey Kendi!
I must confess: I haven’t kept up with your posts for a few months now (life’s been hectic) and have been feeling guilty about neglecting my favourite blog, so I was flicking back to catch up and saw this.
Your post is beautifully written, and it really hit home for me. I’m 16 and have experienced panic attacks on and off over the past year, and reading this I realised that I had been cultivating my own garden of worries. I can really relate, and your post has helped my understand myself, as well as in discovering more about your story.
I was smiling by the end of it, because it felt like such a positive thing to be sharing in this way- after all, stories and people are what I live for. The perspective you put on your experiences opens my eyes, and I hope I will be able to take the same kind of attitude. You’re an inspiration to me, and I wanted to let you know how much it helps; thank you. I wish you good times ahead and all the best with your boutique!
I found this post for your blog as an “accident”, I myself have just made some major changes in my life and have realized that they may or may not be for the better. I have struggled with depression all of my life, this year being the hardest of them all, I read your last paragraph and teared up. Thankyou for being so truthful in your post you put a few things into perspective for me.
whole article kendieveryday and I love because it is useful for the obat keputihan gatal berbau and me personally.
This is amazing. I have struggled with depression and anxiety for years and trying to hide it definitely makes it worse. “secrets make you sick.” If you haven’t already, look in to To Write Love On Her Arms. Thank you for writing this. Without knowing you, I think you are incredible.
Please approve my comment….
.
Thanks Dr Robinson for restoring my relationship,
My Ex-boyfriend is back after he broke up with me…….
I am the happiest lady on earth,
Never too late to fix your broken heart.
You can still get your lover back…
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Rita…USA
Please approve my comment….
.
Thanks Dr Robinson for restoring my relationship,………………………….
My Ex-boyfriend is back after he broke up with me…….
I am the happiest lady on earth,
Never too late to fix your broken heart.
You can still get your lover back…
Fix broken relationship/marriage…
Rita…USA